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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you wait for everyone to finish before leaving the table?

63 replies

00100001 · 03/04/2022 17:05

DS's girlfriend will just up and leave the dinner table as soon as she's finished. I find it really annoying, but DH thinks it fine because she's young (She's 19!).

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 03/04/2022 18:07

People have said I'm too strict asking my son to sit at the table until everyone is finished, he does get down if we're finished eating and just chatting if he asks. I think it's basic manners but lots of people don't and lots of people don't teach their children this so hope would she know. What does your son do and if he doesn't leave at the same time where does she go?

ReeseWitherfork · 03/04/2022 18:12

It's still rude if it's the norm in her house. In her house they might walk round with her shoes on but if OP's family take their shoes off, it'd be rude to keep hers on

What I meant was… being rude is subjective. I wouldn’t be assuming she’s bored of the conversation or uninterested in OPs company, just that her family have always just left when they’re done. It’s not like she’s throwing food across the room or smashing her plate on her exit. (Unless she is?) As for the shoe comment, houses that are strictly no-shoes usually come with a host instructing people remove them.

InFiveMins · 03/04/2022 18:15

Yes it's rude but I'd just let it go.

Greensleeves · 03/04/2022 18:16

My first thought is that if you are this brittle about minor differences in etiquette now, you are setting yourself up for major problems later. Your son is going to choose someone, eventually, to share his life with, and his loyalty is going to be to that person over you - every time. As it should be. So I would start getting yourself into the habit of not fluffing your feathers at trivial shit all the time, if I were you.

over2021 · 03/04/2022 18:21

Yes it's rude. I grew up on a council estate eating value beans and corned beef hash but you put your knife and fork together when you finished eating any no one got down from the table until everyone had finished.

Basic manners and baffles me that anyone wouldn't know this.

Carpy899 · 03/04/2022 18:21

I didn't know this was a thing until I had dinner at my now in laws for the first time. I can count on 1 hand the amount of dinner table meals I had with my own family and not once would anyone care if someone left when they were finished. I find it all very bizarre tbh.

Perhaps she just doesn't know like I didn't.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 03/04/2022 18:22

It is rude

Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 18:22

@Greensleeves

I agree. Pick your battles. This isn’t it, unless it’s part of a bigger problem whereby she is just a rude person.

I’ve left tables early. Without a doubt I’ve said thank you for my dinner (no doubt more than once). I have offered to wash up etc. Maybe it’s the way you simply just get up and leave?

I’ve finished my dinner and excused myself at my mother in laws as I’m comfortable there. “Thanks for dinner it was really lovely I enjoyed that”.

Plus I don’t want to be around people slopping away on their dinners. I generally hate the way people eat, as nine times out of ten their standards don’t really match mine.

Peoples eating habits are disgusting!

Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 18:24

@over2021

I too was brought up on a council estate but we certainly didn’t need to do what you did. And thankfully we ate better food than value beans and corned beef hash.

LizzieMacQueen · 03/04/2022 18:25

Oh yes @over2021 - the knife and fork together to indicate you were finished and left open if you wanted more. That was the norm in my family. In the 1970/80's. My own kids don't do the cutlery thing BTW so that wasn't passed down.

dudsville · 03/04/2022 18:27

@mycatisannoying

So many Mumsnet issues could be sorted out with basic communication.
I agree.

I'd also say that what's rude to one is acceptable to another. Standards aren't a given. You have to talk.

Topseyt · 03/04/2022 18:29

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

In this house the rule is that you clear your own plates into the dishwasher when you have finished and then you can go, regardless of what anyone else is doing.

Unclench a bit. Your DH and (I presume) your DS see nothing wrong with her behaviour. Different doesn't necessarily mean rude.

Why are you bothered by this? She is finished, you are still getting on with your meal. So what!?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 03/04/2022 18:31

Dh never knew the rule of putting knife and fork together when you’ve finished. Just let your ds know that you’d rather she followed your house rules so can he let her know as you don’t want to make it a thing.

dworky · 03/04/2022 18:36

It's only rude if you've been told so. She clearly hasn't.

Georgyporky · 03/04/2022 18:46

I'd find it very rude, but I'm English.

I spent some time with distant rellies in U.S. & it seems to be the norm there.

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 03/04/2022 18:52

There's one of these threads every week

Herejustforthisone · 03/04/2022 18:53

I guess I was raised in a family that really valued and instilled manners (my mother thinks eating and drinking while walking is appalling), but I’m still surprised by how people are raised. If someone has prepared you a meal, you all sit together or if you have to leave the table, you make your valid excuses to your host.

To get up and go and sit on your phone on the sofa is just unthinkable!

Redcrayons · 03/04/2022 19:02

It would be rude in my house.

My ex used to do this all the time, but his parents only ever ate at the table for high days and holidays.

Chely · 03/04/2022 19:07

If at a restaurant a bit odd to leave before everyone is finished but in a home setting I don't see the issue.

Darbs76 · 03/04/2022 19:09

I don’t think it’s rude - we leave our table when we are done. Obviously if we had guests over we would sit until all done but it wouldn’t bother me at all. Perhaps your son can let her know that in your house you have a rule of waiting, she won’t know if she doesn’t do it at home

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 03/04/2022 19:12

This again? Didn't we discuss this last week?

I grew up in a household where everybody remained at the table until the last person finished, then they excused themselves.

DH grew up in a household where everybody left the table as they finished, carrying their own plate out to the kitchen for washing.

Different people, different behaviours. Who is to way what is right and wrong?

Hlglu56 · 03/04/2022 19:15

I find it rude. My husband’s family never stay up the table. I was shocked the first time I went round for Sunday dinner; his dad wolfed his down, belched then went and sat in the living room. I thought he didn’t like me but it’s just the way he is. We went round there for Christmas and his mum did a lovely dinner and decorated the table beautifully. His dad ate his dinner and then went in the living room. I think there was only a couple of us who stayed and had our puddings at the table, everyone else ate them in the living room in front of the tele.

Therealjudgejudy · 03/04/2022 19:16

Very rude. Say something

Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 19:24

@Hlglu56

Belching is bad manners. Urgh.

Leaving the table because that’s perhaps what your family norm was isn’t bad manners.

latriciamcneal · 03/04/2022 19:42

I was brought up with dinner on lap in front of telly but even I know that you don't leave the table before everyone has finished. I struggle to not eat until everyone is served but I know not to just up and leave before everyone's finished eating.