Aibu to leave and give the kids to husband as I’m clearly not a good mum

Fere · 03/04/2022 15:15

How can he be a better one parent family if he has no life skills?

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2022 15:18

I think you would be a better mum without him - here it sounds as if joint custody is what is needed for both of you. Because fun all the time isnt what is needed either

What are finances like

Wartywart · 03/04/2022 15:18

But would they have a better life with just him? If he can't organise the proverbial, then that's going to be a disaster for your children. At least go for 50:50 residency so they have a chance at living within some kind of structure 50% of the time. They need to get through GCSE's etc...

HollowTalk · 03/04/2022 15:20

Don't be daft. You can't think of leaving your kids like that. You'd seriously damage their happiness and mental health.

ChiselandBits · 03/04/2022 15:21

You absolutely know he is not a better parent than you, you each bring different aspects to the table that are vital. If he really has no life skills he'd soon stop being the fun dad cos he'd be unable to provide them with nice food, clean clothes, a good amount of sleep etc. You don't seem to care about your own fulfillment or happiness here, you're not suggesting leaving to find a partner you love. Not sure how you leaving in this scenario would be helping them.

Fere · 03/04/2022 15:21

Whose oppion of your parental skills are you quoting?

Unsureaboutit9 · 03/04/2022 15:22

If he’s so great have you tried asking him to support you more so that you can have more fun with the kids too?

Quitelikeit · 03/04/2022 15:24

People bring different skills to a relationship. I’m sure he does have life skills. You say he’s a great dad? Wealthy too?

But he can’t organise things? If you are great at that then surely it’s a good compromise?

Fairislefandango · 03/04/2022 15:28

Why do you think your children wouod be better off with a manchild with no life skills than with a competent parent? Do you really think you're 'not nice' or is it just that you've been forced into the 'boring, mean parent' role by your husband's incompetence? If the latter, then definitely leave him, but give up your role as permanently mean parent, rather than 'giving him' the children.

Walktwomoons · 03/04/2022 15:29

You sound very unhappy. I feel like you must have had a hard and difficult life. Maybe your being "not nice" is a way of being tough because life has taught you that you need to be this way.
Even if you leave, you won't be happy. The only thing you can do to improve your life is to go to therapy. You will be able to afford this if you stay with your husband a little longer. After the therapy you can leave or not as you feel is right, but the whole process will be 100 times better for your children if you work on yourself first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2022 15:34

I agree with Walktwomoons. You seem desperately sad. Get some decent therapy. See where you go from there.

Gowithme · 03/04/2022 15:44

You can't just dump your kids on your DH and pretend they don't exist because it's hard work being nice to them. If he's so awful at organising anything how are they going to have a better life? You do sound awful though tbf - who marries someone just for money? You need to do him a favour and leave him so he can find someone that genuinely likes him but you can't just abandon your kids because they're not convenient. That really would make you a shit mother.

You've made your bed by marrying someone for completely the wrong reasons and having children with them and now you need to sort yourself out. Get some therapy to understand why you make these sorts of awful decisions without thinking how they impact others.

Gowithme · 03/04/2022 15:45

You don't sound desperately sad to me, you sound desperately selfish.

Original poster

Doneinwiththis · 03/04/2022 15:46

Thanks everyone for your comments - weirdly feel like you all know me as all the comments were very supportive and constructive. We have attended marriage counselling in the past which was helpful. I will try therapy for myself. I just want the best for my children and I feel sorry for my husband that I married him.

OP posts:

hulahoopqueen · 03/04/2022 15:47

Does he know how you feel? In terms of the no-sex issue, is this mutual, or does he keep trying? And does he ever suggest taking on more responsibility to take any of the load off your shoulders?

No matter the reasons behind your marriage, part of being a good father is to provide children with stability and boundaries, as PPs have said. If he wants the marriage to continue, he should show effort and willingness to take on this responsibility and be a more equal parent.

If he did do this, would you still want the divorce?

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2022 15:50

I think you need to go back to therapy. You feel like you're a bad mum, you are sorry for your husband that you married him - what is really going on? Why do you feel that you're a horrible person? Are you violent, threatening, an alcoholic? Are you just depressed and perhaps a bit unfulfilled? I wonder if finding some activities outside the home might help you ground yourself a bit more?

kavalkada · 03/04/2022 15:55

Ok, now I have seen everything here. So, OP married for money and easy future and she should get a therapy? I think it is her husband who probablay needs one, or every person who answered OP on this thread would have no trouble being married to a man who who is with them for their money?
Did he know your reasons for marrying him or did you lie? Well, if he knew and was ok I apologize.
Do you work OP? Does he work or lives from inheritance? If he works, you do not, and your children are in school, you should do a makority of organizing.
It must be hell to live in a marriage where you married somebody just for money. I’d hate my husband if I were you, hate to share bed with him, table with him, just to see him in my home would be hell.
I feel sorry for your husband and children and wish them all the best.

ldontWanna · 03/04/2022 15:59

Do you get any free time to yourself,hobbies etc? You say your husband is wealthy.. can you outsource and have him pay for some of the jobs?

Does your husband know how you feel? Do you honestly believe he would cope with raising two kids on his own and do a decent job of it?

You are obviously unhappy, but running away isn't a solution. So you need to have a look at what exactly is making you so unhappy,what is missing ,what you actually want and what can be done to fix/ameliorate the situation. Possibly with the help of a professional,like in therapy. Divorce might actually be the only solution, but it will be a lot better for everyone if you reach that conclusion after some exploration rather than a knee jerk reaction.

DarkShade · 03/04/2022 16:21

Why not do 50/50? I don't think being abandoned is what's best for your kids.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 03/04/2022 16:32

@Doneinwiththis

I’ve asked my husband for a divorce. I married him for money and an easy future. It was a big mistake. He’s an excellent father to our kids (12) and (9). He’s fun Dad! I do everything - he has no life skills whatsoever. I have to organise everything. I suppose this is the trade off to being ok financially. We have no sex live as I would be quicker and easier organising that myself. I feel the kids are recognising my exasperation at being the only adult in the relationship. I think they would be better off with him as he’s nice and kind and I’m not. Has anyone left their family before to enable the kids and husband to have a better life?

Your children would miss you terribly. I can say this as a stepmom to a wonderful teenage girl. Leaving your kids with dad would really hurt them. The "fun one" part is not relevant.

DSD's own mum was also the one who called time on the marriage to my DH (I met him long after they'd separated... seems to be a need to make that clear on MN). They had joint 50:50 custody for years, but DSD's mum has had bad luck with partners since then. DSD has trust issues with the men in her mum's life because of that, and she hates her mum's current partner. Her mum's response was to send her to live with us. At first, it was for safety reasons at the start of the pandemic, because DSD's mum was still using public transport to get to work. But it's now become permanent.

DH's ex goes months at a time before contacting DSD, and she's only fifteen minutes down the road from us. The lack of contact really hurts and confuses DSD. She feels like she isn't good enough for her mum somehow, and it's really fucked with her self-esteem.

I have wondered if her mum got it into her head that DSD was better off with us somehow. I promise you, she isn't. She loves us, but I am not a replacement. She needs, and wants, her mum.

Your children will need, and want, you too.

Have you talked to anyone about how you've felt? It may well be that you do need to leave the marriage and move on from that, but thinking your children would be better off without you sounds like a deep depression. And it's okay if that's what your feeling; it's depressing being in a bad marriage. But please don't keep muddling along through it. There is help out there, and you deserve to feel at peace.

Mangogogogo · 03/04/2022 16:37

I’m with PP I too have a child who’s birth mum fucked off. Disgusting, I’ll never understand. The poor lad is still so confused and he’s a teenager now.
I have a feeling though you aren’t even considering it you are just having a strop but I’m struggling to feel sympathy for you to be honest. You married for his money and now you’re seeing the consequences of your actions. Meh

iCouldSleepForAYear · 03/04/2022 16:44

People get married, and then divorced, for all sorts of reasons. And if the OP is indeed deeply depressed and feeling horrific, it could be that depression is distorting her perception of how things are. I don't think piling on and calling her names is going to help her, or her children. Parents who die of suicide of follow the same train of thought. Please don't be mean.

kavalkada · 03/04/2022 16:56

If my husband married me for money and easy I’d be the one who would be depressed and suicidal, and not very impressed if he started talking how miserable is he, all the while he is planning to leave children. Mabye I should also support him after that, you know, because I have money.
If OP were a man, she’d be destroyed on this thread.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 17:01

Tbh I think your dcs wouod find it quite hard if they were left with him.
Because, if he has no life skills at all and you do all the emotional works etc…, when you are gone, there will be a heck of a lot of things that will not go well.
All good for him to be a fun dad etc… but if the dcs have the same meal day in and ay out because he can’t cook, the school clothes are not clean for school and he doesn’t send all the paperwork in time (eg for school trips etc…) they are nit going to be happy!!

And that’s before the fact they will be missing you as a parent.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 17:05

As for you being the only adult in the relationship…

Maybe you could go away in your own for two weeks during term time and leave their dad in charge. Would he realise the amount if work you do everyday?
You could tell him that from now on is now is responsibility and leave him to it.

And more importantly, you need to decide if staying in that relationship is or isn’t a good idea.
When people say they kinky got married for the money, I’m always wondering if they really truly were. Or if they have been told again and again that this was their only reason. Or that’s what they told themselves because they had doubts when they got married but didn’t want to acknowledge that for themselves.