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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to leave and give the kids to husband as I’m clearly not a good mum

55 replies

Doneinwiththis · 03/04/2022 15:13

I’ve asked my husband for a divorce. I married him for money and an easy future. It was a big mistake. He’s an excellent father to our kids (12) and (9). He’s fun Dad! I do everything - he has no life skills whatsoever. I have to organise everything. I suppose this is the trade off to being ok financially. We have no sex live as I would be quicker and easier organising that myself. I feel the kids are recognising my exasperation at being the only adult in the relationship. I think they would be better off with him as he’s nice and kind and I’m not. Has anyone left their family before to enable the kids and husband to have a better life?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 03/04/2022 17:09

OP, was there anything there to start with? Presumably you liked him when you married him, even if you weren't head over heels in love with him?

There are lots of women who enter into marriage with much stronger feelings than you apparently had who end up where you are, feelings-wise - with a husband they resent and can't stand. Likewise, I'm sure there are some who "settle", as you appear to have done, but whose marriages go from strength to strength because both partners respect each other and are able to compromise and grow together.

In your shoes, the questions I'd be asking would be:

  • Do you and your husband respect each other? Share the load, do your bit of the boring, drudgey stuff? Because you recognise that it is unfair to load all of thing onto one partner.
  • Are you able to listen to each other and see each other's viewpoints?

It's hard for any affection to remain if someone abdicates all responsibility for being an adult to you and just does the Disney parent stuff, so you're always the boring parent and the villain. But realistically I think you know your children are better off with the reliable, involved parent.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 17:10

Btw I fully disagree that the fact he has money then it means that you should just suck it up.

I mean at that game, any SAHM is in there just for the money. Or anyone woman who marries someone who is earning a good wage etc..so they can stop work is only in it for the money.

People chose to get married for all sorts of reasons and tbh love is probably the least reliable factor. Respect for each other would be a better indicator for me.

This doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed to get divorced or to be unhappy about her DH behaviour etc…

Ellmau · 03/04/2022 17:11

Is this a reverse?

Eeksteek · 03/04/2022 17:17

Sounds like you’re the only parent in the family. Kids need parents, not ‘fun dads’. I mean, fun dads are great, but someone has to actually parent kids, which is often a lot less fun, but, you know, keeps them alive and stuff.

twinsetandpearl · 03/04/2022 17:18

@kavalkada

Ok, now I have seen everything here. So, OP married for money and easy future and she should get a therapy? I think it is her husband who probablay needs one, or every person who answered OP on this thread would have no trouble being married to a man who who is with them for their money? Did he know your reasons for marrying him or did you lie? Well, if he knew and was ok I apologize. Do you work OP? Does he work or lives from inheritance? If he works, you do not, and your children are in school, you should do a makority of organizing. It must be hell to live in a marriage where you married somebody just for money. I’d hate my husband if I were you, hate to share bed with him, table with him, just to see him in my home would be hell. I feel sorry for your husband and children and wish them all the best.

Finally someone talking sense!

I feel desperately sorry for your DH

drpet49 · 03/04/2022 17:25

* Don't be daft. You can't think of leaving your kids like that. You'd seriously damage their happiness and mental health.*

^She should have thought of that before marrying a man and having kids with him for money and an easy life.

Goldbar · 03/04/2022 17:29

Did he know your reasons for marrying him or did you lie?

I don't really have a lot of sympathy with this viewpoint because he clearly doesn't love the OP either, even if he was less honest with himself about it when they were married (he may still even be deluding himself that he loves her).

If you love someone, you share the load with them. You're interested in their wellbeing and happiness. You don't load all the mental load and drudgery onto their shoulders so you can be the 'fun guy' while they're the boring, short-tempered donkey plodding along.

nldnmum02 · 03/04/2022 17:33

It sounds like you want a fresh start. Plenty of men do it and not an eyelid gets batted.

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/04/2022 17:35

@Gowithme

You don't sound desperately sad to me, you sound desperately selfish.
This i read you post and felt divided if you were depressed or gas lighted
Blossom64265 · 03/04/2022 17:39

You can leave your husband and build your own life. Your kids have the right to an involved mother. That can be two parents, parenting from their own households and the kids can live with each of you part of the time. Walking away from your children is entirely different than leaving a spouse.

Atomiccat · 03/04/2022 17:40

Even if you feel they don’t ’need’ you now (they do) and would be better off with their dad (they won’t be) think about when they are older teenagers, they will desperately need and want their mum and lifeskills their dad don’t have. They love you and need you.

Original poster
Doneinwiththis · 03/04/2022 17:40

Appreciate all the replies. I don’t think my head is clear and all different perspectives and views help. I can’t go back and change anything so I have to straighten up and sort the future.

OP posts:
kavalkada · 03/04/2022 17:46

To be honest, we do not know much about OP’s husband. But we know why OP married.
Imagine being forced to live somebody you do not love from very first second and you have to share your life with that person, have sex with him, have children with him….
You would probably grew more and more bitter after 14 years of marriage. I can’t imagine any man or woman who would have a lot iif nice things to say about their partner after that kind of life. I have seen marriages like that and I wouldn’t wish them to anybody.

Obelisk · 03/04/2022 17:48

Marry for money and you’ll earn every penny.

Is the relationship salvageable, op? If not, you’re right to end it but not to leave your children, who deserve two involved parents. It sounds like you both bring different things to the table and you’re fed up of having to be the sensible one. Is there a way you can spread this role more evenly?

Porcupineintherough · 03/04/2022 17:49

The OP is hardly the only adult in the relationship if the husband is the main (only?) wage earner.

@kavalkada there is no suggestion the OP was forced to marry.

FarDownTheRiver · 03/04/2022 17:50

@drpet49

* Don't be daft. You can't think of leaving your kids like that. You'd seriously damage their happiness and mental health.*

^She should have thought of that before marrying a man and having kids with him for money and an easy life.

So what? How many men marry for a pretty face abs sex life. Many reasons to marry as long as you can respect the other person
Suzi888 · 03/04/2022 17:51

There must be something that attracted you to him besides cash.
Marriage counselling ? Weekend away? Or as pp have stated a fresh start.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/04/2022 17:54

You sound like your head is in a whirl and you just want out? Make a decision that you are leaving and then take a breath to do in the right way. The best thing for your kids is most likely to split their time between you. It sounds like two bases could be managed financially? Or you could do the thing where you rotate the family house and a flat between you.

Don’t make any crazy decisions or announcements. Get some counselling to get your head straight and a plan that is fair to your kids together,

kavalkada · 03/04/2022 17:54

@kavalkada

To be honest, we do not know much about OP’s husband. But we know why OP married. Imagine being forced to live somebody you do not love from very first second and you have to share your life with that person, have sex with him, have children with him…. You would probably grew more and more bitter after 14 years of marriage. I can’t imagine any man or woman who would have a lot iif nice things to say about their partner after that kind of life. I have seen marriages like that and I wouldn’t wish them to anybody.
OP forced herself in a loveless marriage.
AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2022 17:54

@Fere

How can he be a better one parent family if he has no life skills?
And where did all the money come from if he has no life skills
gimmepeaceandsky · 03/04/2022 17:55

People come here to help and support and no to be battered, as the whole situation is already complicated.
I believe that OP saying that they would be better left with the dad is just because she is trying to find a way out of the mess she put herself into. If the husband is the one worth the money you can very well understand her point on leaving the kids with him, not because she wants to abandon them but because he can obviously provide for the children better than her alone.
I live the same situation and don't feel loved and appreciated, not being together because my DP is wealthy but staying because I have no where else to go, no friends no family makes me stay...and things are not 100% bad. There are good times. As women we must understand and support each other knowing how hard being a parent is, let alone leaving your partner because there's no more love or sex "only".

I do support you OP, I can see that you must have your head in the wrong and dark place now to be thinking that leaving is the best, but try enjoy your company, stop thinking, give time.
Your kids will miss you dearly :(
I'm sure we can go through this and things always become easier after you give it time .
Daffodiltake care and stay well...stay with the kids

Planetbippop · 03/04/2022 17:56

@Doneinwiththis

Appreciate all the replies. I don’t think my head is clear and all different perspectives and views help. I can’t go back and change anything so I have to straighten up and sort the future.
Fair play to you, in fact respect!

It seems to me the two of you both know the score, regardless of the fact it's not acknowledged. Yes Dads a bit child like but that benefits the kids & you have said he's a good dad.

Go for the divorce, remain friends & co parent your DC. All will come good in time.

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2022 17:56

@kavalkada

To be honest, we do not know much about OP’s husband. But we know why OP married. Imagine being forced to live somebody you do not love from very first second and you have to share your life with that person, have sex with him, have children with him…. You would probably grew more and more bitter after 14 years of marriage. I can’t imagine any man or woman who would have a lot iif nice things to say about their partner after that kind of life. I have seen marriages like that and I wouldn’t wish them to anybody.
She chose to marry him. He had money. She wanted a secure future She wasn't forced
Brainwave89 · 03/04/2022 18:11

You married him for money and an easy life? And you are the only adult in the relationship? I think this shows a lack of self awareness, you married him for his cash and some years later it becomes apparent that there is indeed a cost to you for this transaction. Okay, so that is poor, but you can still leave. Now though you would leave the kids behind as well?! I am not sure he is the only person here with some growing up to do.

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 18:12

Please do not leave your children. I would instead be separating and as you do everything anyway it will be less of a struggle as will not have to be doing things for him and the resentment that it all brings. Your children will need you to be there for them and you can separate and still be on friendly terms with him so the children have you both in their lives. You sound very low and seem to be self doubting yourself but please once you make plans and get a plan going you will feel so much better and think in a few months that you can have a new life and your children will be ok and happier if they see you happier. Big hugs as know how hard it is when you are living like this and it just brings you down but you can make the changes and you will be happy again.

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