Is this it for me?

Winnie90 · 2022-04-03T09:44:15+00:00

Sorry if this sounds like a sob story, I’m 32, single mum with a 4 and 1 year old. I work part time in an nhs admin type role, there is scope to progress, ie facilities service manager etc but that would mean to go full time? I want to be an example for the kids…I went to college but not uni and feel like failure. Any other mums been here? And what did you do to better your life and how did you get there?

Gowithme · 03/04/2022 10:52

I put YABU because I don't know why you feel like a failure. I would stay part time till your youngest daughter gets nursery funding or starts school and then go full time. In the mean time get yourself into a good position to progress when the time is right in any way you can. Too many people are going to uni and then ending up in jobs with no real progression, it's no guarantee of anything.

Menora · 03/04/2022 11:04

Hi, so yes I was a single mum band 2 job 15 or so years ago when I was 23 and 2 under 2!

I am now in a band 7 job. I am full time now but I was part time whilst they were at primary

I’ve never been to uni

I went on EVERY single available training course going at work, asked my manager if I could do an NVQ on the job (got to a level 4) which was paid for by them. I have since also got them to pay for me to do other qualifications as they have training budgets you might not know about?

I asked for more jobs in my role, I came up with new ideas, I used every appraisal as a learning experience, I applied for everything internally and got seconded into a sideways move but it was new experience for my CV. I made sure my sick record was as good as it could be and I was not late for work. I made friends with people and networked at meetings and just made myself available and obvious and friendly and helpful. I even did rubbish things for ‘credit’ like help out on a weekend clearing a filing room, I also volunteered to do jobs no one else wanted to do like stand on a job fair stall handing out leaflets for hours. I even watch things on YouTube about elements of my job I don’t fully understand to learn more and I join Facebook groups and chats to find out info (in my instance it’s about systems and data)

I just worked really hard for 10 years. Please don’t give up! Having kids means it’s harder but it’s not impossible.

Original poster

Winnie90 · 03/04/2022 11:52

I just feel like most people my age have achieved so much more

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JaceLancs · 03/04/2022 12:00

It’s just not your time yet!
I was a lone parent from DC being 4 and 5
Could only work part time until they went to high school but I had a few other ways of earning extra, also studied and did voluntary work
I’m now 50+ and at the top of my profession
DC are fab adults and we have a great relationship

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2022 12:14

@Winnie90

I just feel like most people my age have achieved so much more

The ones who have achieved more probably aren't single parents with 2 children under 5! Those that are, probably have a lot of family help or private money to buy in the full-time help they need. It sounds to me as if you are doing the very best you can with what you've got, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. When they are a bit older, you'll be able to make those changes and stretch yourself a bit further.

Original poster

Winnie90 · 03/04/2022 13:06

Am I really not a failure? I can’t bare the thought that I haven’t done my children proud. Are lots of mums in this position?

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Mummy1608 · 03/04/2022 13:11

If this is what failure looks like to you, what does success look like to you...? Genuine question?

You've got lovely kids and a good job. It sounds like you have a lovely life! Why wouldn't your kids be very proud of you!

Pinksalty · 03/04/2022 13:25

I’m a 40 year old single mum of 2 who only rejoined the workforce last year after 10 years being a SAHM! Currently low grade admin role, but fully intend to make the most of it and work my way up.
The poster above had great advice - if you want to advance you have to make it happen.
Training, different roles etc.
You can claim back some of your childcare costs on UC, so if you do have to pay more for childcare, think of it as investing in your career. Anything to help you move up.
good luck!

Original poster

Winnie90 · 03/04/2022 14:20

I feel like my Ex husband has been able to flourish in his career and I have been left behind. I suppose I want to feel I did better than him! Instead I’m just in a mediocre job with little about me at the minute

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Original poster

Winnie90 · 03/04/2022 17:09

Would you honestly not feel a failure if you were me?

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NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 03/04/2022 17:19

I think the issue is how you measure success and failure. For me success is living a generally happy and fulfilling life, so I could be more successful in a lower position with a better work life balance than someone in a management position but who struggles to be home where needed and has not as much time to spend with the children.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 03/04/2022 17:32

@Winnie90

Am I really not a failure? I can’t bare the thought that I haven’t done my children proud. Are lots of mums in this position?

Absolutely you are not a failure OP!! You have got plenty ty of time to work more hours, enjoy the kids while they are young....my idea of success isn't measured by the number of hours l work or the amount of money l earn but by maintaining a good balance of everything.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 03/04/2022 17:32

@NotAScoobyToBeSeen

I think the issue is how you measure success and failure. For me success is living a generally happy and fulfilling life, so I could be more successful in a lower position with a better work life balance than someone in a management position but who struggles to be home where needed and has not as much time to spend with the children.

Should have read this before commenting because it is exactly what l was trying to say!

Original poster

Winnie90 · 03/04/2022 17:36

What is more important…being there for the children and then focusing on work again or being a high flying career woman? All the posts I see on here are women with fabulous careers earning so much money, it really grinds me down just because I’m jealous really.

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alwayswrighty · 03/04/2022 17:42

I'm 45. My kids are adults sort of (one lives with Dad). I've worked my arsenal off for zero monetary benefit for years. My failings were working long hours and not spending enough time with the kids.

Please don't beat yourself up for the circumstances you are in. You are incredible. Remember that!

Original poster

Winnie90 · 03/04/2022 17:49

Do I have time to make changes or is this me forever?

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Babyroobs · 03/04/2022 17:52

@Winnie90

Am I really not a failure? I can’t bare the thought that I haven’t done my children proud. Are lots of mums in this position?

Plenty of posters are telling you that there is plenty of time to progress.

Babyroobs · 03/04/2022 17:53

@Winnie90

Do I have time to make changes or is this me forever?

You have 35+ years of working life?

Sapphirejane · 03/04/2022 17:54

OP I am the same age as you and have recently been having similar feelings of is this it? I feel like my life is just so average. I think when you are a child you have these amazing dreams as you should and it’s difficult to come to terms with reality sometimes. I have been trying to focus on what I have achieved and have made a list of things I want to achieve, breaking them down into small steps to get there. It’s helping me immensely to get out of the rut I seem to be in and recognise what more I am capable of

TottersBlankly · 03/04/2022 17:57

OP if you have a look at the Mature Study and Retraining board, here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mature_students

you’ll find innumerable people who started or are starting from exactly the same point as you.

(And if you ask MNHQ to move your thread there they’ll happily do so.)

Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 18:01

I’m 33 and I would feel similar in an NHS admin role. Zero progression beyond a band 4 also very grafty. Having said that, to be competent at NHS admin you most certainly do have skills that would be completely transferable.

I’m 33 and just about to finish an OU degree. With 3 kids I’ve found the balance good, is this something you could potentially look into?

sweetbellyhigh · 03/04/2022 18:06

@Winnie90

I just feel like most people my age have achieved so much more

You are so hard on yourself 😞

Research tells us that working mums are a fantastic role model to children, they learn that everyone has their own life (rather than seeing a mother as someone who is simply there to meet their needs)

Working part time is probably the best combination because you are physically there for the children as much as time allows yet they also experience you as a worker.

So as far as role modelling goes, please do not worry, you are doing great.

Your children don't judge you like grown ups do, they will feel so proud of you no matter what your work. It will be years before they even clock what it is you do 😂

Honestly I think it's self esteem that you need to work on. Don't compare yourself with others.

If you want to move up the career ladder you can plot out a path to do that.

But don't neglect your well-being in all of this. I know it's really hard when they're little but do you get time to yourself ever? Do you have any kind of exercise regime? It does wonders for the mind.

LumpyandBumps · 03/04/2022 18:09

You’re not a failure. You are bringing up 2 young children single handed whilst working part time.
If you went to college I assume you started work around age 18. At 32 you are 14 years into your working life, and have another 35 years ( or who knows how many more by the time you retire) to go.
You will be able to progress when your little ones are a bit older. This is certainly not ‘it’ for you, but an opportunity for you to make the most of some time with your children whilst keeping a foot in the door at work.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 03/04/2022 18:13

As another poster said it’s just not your time to flourish, but that certainly doesn’t mean “this is it”.

I’ve been in a Band 5 position in the NHS for 13 years….reducing my hours when I had children, declining promotion opportunities because the hours wouldn’t have suited family life and I’ve just trudged along the same pay band for all that time. I’ve watched many people, usually younger and with less experience than me climb above me on the ladder and it always left me feeling a little bit hopeless, like I wasn’t achieving anything.

But you don’t have to be a high flyer to be worthy of praise or accolade for what you have achieved.

You’re a single mum with two young children and unfortunately we can’t have it all and sometimes we have to live our life knowing that at the present time our career isn’t the most important thing and that as years pass, your situation changes and the children get older you will find that opportunities will present themselves to you and you will be in the right time and place to grab them.

Your children will be proud of you whatever you do, so don’t be hard on yourself.

I feel like I’ve put my career progression on hold for the last 8 years, but as my youngest is starting school this year I now feel like it’s time to focus on me again.

What your life currently is doesn’t mean it is how it will always be. You’ve got a very long working life ahead of you and who knows where you may find yourself at the end of it

Bonbon21 · 03/04/2022 18:15

You are parenting two little human beings. That is the hardest job you will ever do. And the most challenging. You are giving them the best start in life, giving them an example and standards for the rest of their lives.
Be proud of that.
It is frustrating when you feel others are flying and you are walking, but that time will come for you. The advice from others posters is absolutely the way to go.. bide you time, push push push... take advantage of any offers of training and courses that come your way.
But most of all, believe in you. You will get where you need to be in time. But dont forget to live in the here and now with your little ones.. make memeories... for you and for them. They will remember Mum for being there with them, not whether she has been to uni or not..
No matter how high you fly later on... these kids will be your masterpiece!