To start turning off the router at night?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds aged 20, 19 and 15. Older two are away at university during term time.

Youngest dd is on the autistic spectrum. We’ve had so many problems lately with anxiety and school refusal (erratic attendance, she’s not refusing completely).

She keeps very late hours, I know many autistic kids struggle with sleep.

Up till 6 months ago I had parental screen restrictions on her phone and laptop to switch off at 11pm (later than I’d like but we compromised). Then she persuaded me to try no restrictions because the deadline was making her anxious to get everything finished before the deadline. I agreed to try it.

Six months on and her sleep is worse than ever. She’s exhausted in the mornings and napping after school (if she goes).

However she is adamant that late night screen use is NOT the reason she isn’t going to school but she can’t or won’t open up what the problem is.

I’m now thinking that instead of putting restrictions back on her devices (which will be a battle in itself) I’ll turn the router off at night for all of us. My older two probably won’t be happy and dh and I like to watch something before sleep which isn’t a great habit I know, but we’re adults and don’t refuse to get up for work!

I feel I’ve been too soft about this and it’s hard to get back some control now.

You should be able to block the device on the router itself 👍

Most young people find it hard to articulate feelings of severe anxiety and panic. When l was young and experianced my first panic attack l actually thought l was going mad, that there was something very wrong with me and this made everything so much worse. It took along time before l could confess to the doctor how l felt, by then my world had become alot smaller as l avoided places where l thought l would have, or had already experianced a panic attack. People who are agrophobic have a fear of leaving their homes, this is often driven by anxiety and panic, and school refusal is rarely a choice or an act of defiance, most young people know full well the importance of an education, and the effect of not attending school is having on their parents, which only adds further fuel to the fire.
l would recommend your daughter reading a book called "Dare" , that is written by a former sufferer of anxiety and panic, l ' ve read almost every book going on this subject as my own 13 yr old son suffered the same and in my opinion its the best one out there.

[quote bendmeoverbackwards]@SE13Mummy she does a lot of dance classes and is sometimes out at classes till past 8.30pm. I don't want to restrict her classes because it's sort of like her therapy and so important for her physical and mental health. I do encourage her to do homework before her classes but it usually falls on deaf ears.

I have checked my BT account online and it seems quite easy to turn the router off between certain times. But that's not much help if she can just use data [/quote]
I don't see that my suggestion is incompatible with dance, rather that your DD needs the time around the classes planned with/for her. Often, getting started with work/undesirable tasks can be the hardest part so being helped to get some done before dance - knowing she has that on the horizon - may help her feel as though the homework is less overwhelming.

We are with Sky. Mr eldest DS is autistic and we have the same issue with sleep,

Sky have an app you can download to control WiFi access to each individual device that’s connected to it. You can set individual limits for each device.

For example, I’ve set it so all my sons devices can no longer connect after 9pm until 7am the next morning, but other devices in the house (like The Tv in our bedroom, our phones etc) are unaffected.

I believe most other major providers have similar apps

That’s brilliant @Rinoachicken I’ll have to check if ours does similar (we’re with BT).

@SE13Mummy

15 is tricky at the best of times and wanting to be independent is part of that. Whilst some 15 year olds can manage their time and aren't problematically anxious, that's not true for all of them and actually, sometimes we have to put in the structure they're resisting because it's in their best interests. Some teenagers need to be told this and hear that her preferred route of no limits on devices and letting her manage her own time isn't helping reduce her anxiety so something different needs to be done. If she had a broken leg, you would help by providing crutches, lifts to places, easier-to-wear clothes, a cast cover for showers, appointments at fracture clinics etc., if she were diabetic, you would help count carbs, provide appropriate snacks, sort insulin prescriptions etc. and it's likely some of this help would be imposed because you're her parent and know it's necessary for her health and well-being. Her health needs different support along the lines of... option 1: you will help her plan her work each evening along the lines of my previous post option 2: she write a work plan by 5pm each day and will hand over her phone/lock down devices being used for homework until that day's work plan is done option 3: an alternative suggestion she has come up with that involves starting work no later than 7pm and has opportunities for adult check-in built in to it

If she's given the options written down and has time to think about them before needing to come to a decision, would that be helpful for her? It might be a way around having to discuss things whilst still achieving a routine?

Thank you @SE13Mummy I know 100% that dd would refuse to engage in any sort of plan/timetabling. She would just ignore or me walk away if I suggested anything. Same with a doctor or other health professional - she would refuse any appointment made ☹️