To start turning off the router at night?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds aged 20, 19 and 15. Older two are away at university during term time.

Youngest dd is on the autistic spectrum. We’ve had so many problems lately with anxiety and school refusal (erratic attendance, she’s not refusing completely).

She keeps very late hours, I know many autistic kids struggle with sleep.

Up till 6 months ago I had parental screen restrictions on her phone and laptop to switch off at 11pm (later than I’d like but we compromised). Then she persuaded me to try no restrictions because the deadline was making her anxious to get everything finished before the deadline. I agreed to try it.

Six months on and her sleep is worse than ever. She’s exhausted in the mornings and napping after school (if she goes).

However she is adamant that late night screen use is NOT the reason she isn’t going to school but she can’t or won’t open up what the problem is.

I’m now thinking that instead of putting restrictions back on her devices (which will be a battle in itself) I’ll turn the router off at night for all of us. My older two probably won’t be happy and dh and I like to watch something before sleep which isn’t a great habit I know, but we’re adults and don’t refuse to get up for work!

I feel I’ve been too soft about this and it’s hard to get back some control now.

I would just put the restrictions back on her gadgets. Have one tantrum over it & it's done. Tell her you 'tried' but it didn't work. Maybe if she goes to school every day she can have it left on Friday night?!

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me you know nothing about autism

Some DC who find opening up and communication difficult do manage over time to engage with more indirect therapies/interventions, especially if you can link it to something they enjoy. Something like art/music/drama/equine/animal assisted/aqua/gaming… therapy.

If DD has an EHCP does she have any MH provision in it? You can ask the LA for an early review, IPSEA have a model letter you can use.

If DD doesn’t have an EHCP you can request for an EHCNA. IPSEA have a model letter for this, too.

If DD cannot attend school full time the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative arrangements under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. This should begin once it becomes clear DD will miss 15 days, the days don’t have to be consecutive in this case.

Is the family support worker from Early Help? If not, and it is a member of staff from school investigate a referral to Early Help too.

Hi Bend, so sorry you are continuing to have issues.

Depending on the router ie a relatively new one you can look at each device connected to it and you can isolate individual devices. Your router has an IP address, each device either hard wired or connected by wifi has a MAC address and you can therefore isolate one device leaving all the rest on. But like i said, depends on the router. Dh is IT so he deals with all of this and we bought a router you configure but you need to know what you are doing. More modern routers provided these days are higher spec'd and are able to do this.

Tell me what your router is and I will ask Dh.

But also your DD's phone will be an issue as she can use her data depending on her plan. So speaking to them may solve that issue.

I would just out the restrictions back on her phone. I would have the WiFi going tmofd for everyone else.

@Imitatingdory she doesn’t have an ECHP. She was only diagnosed less than 4 years ago, no one said anything about her having one. I can ask her psychologist about this (dd won’t see her, or anyone, but dh and I see her for advice).

She has already missed more than 15 days since before Christmas. The problem will be with the alternative provision. Dd has a real fear of talking to people she doesn’t know. She has been wanting private tuition for a while which I’m happy to facilitate and pay for. Tutor arrived - dd couldn’t face the interaction and wouldn’t come out her room ☹️

@bendmeoverbackwards

Thank you *@LittleDidSheKnow* I’m so annoyed with myself that I’ve allowed things to get to this stage. The problem is DD’s executive function is slow, it takes her ages to get started with homework then she’s working late.

I wonder if some support at the other end of the evening might be easier for her to stomach? If executive function is something she struggles with, working with her to set up a homework-starting routine might be beneficial e.g.

4.30pm have a snack and a drink
5pm work together to write a to do list/evening plan
5.30pm prepare resources needed to start homework after tea (use a checklist)
6pm tea
7pm start homework piece 1 with parent nearby to ensure all resources etc are on hand
8pm come and tell parent about homework 1/do a workout/go for a stroll/phone a friend/waste time online
8.30pm start homework piece 2 with parent nearby to ensure all resources etc are on hand
9.30pm come and tell parent about homework 2/ down time scrolling through drivel online
10pm spend 30 minutes on homework (maybe finishing off one of the other pieces or watching a YouTube video about English set text)
10.30pm put homework away and pack bag for tomorrow, shower/chat to friends online, choose podcast to listen to
11pm get into bed with podcast/whatever playing on Alexa/similar

It may help to reduce some of her anxiety if the organisational and time management aspects of homework are heavily supported, even though it's likely to be a battle initially. It may be necessary for you to sit in her room/wherever she does homework for at least some of the time so she is helped to stay on track. If she works at a computer, help her to find apps that switch off notifications etc. whilst she's working and to find a place she's happy to put her phone for those time slots. Some teens find it helpful to facetime friends whilst they're both doing work so that may be another tactic worth talking about.

Apply for an EHCNA. There’s lots of information on IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites. EHCPs themes levels can include lots of provision that could help DD.

The alternative provision provided by the LA under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 must meet DD’s needs. If that means it is not interactive but e.g. recorded lessons DD can watch when she’s able to (there are online schools with similar set ups to this) or a tutor coming to your house and spending 10 mins there and leaving work DD can complete with their notes as guidance then that is what it needs to be. Hopefully after a while you would be able to build on this, but it’s not going to happen overnight and the LA provision should work with what DD can manage within her needs. I know DD couldn’t access it but you didn’t need to pay for 1:1 tuition, medical needs tuition can include this.

Have you considered selective mutism? SM is sometimes a comorbidity of ASD.

On a slightly different note - our DS is autistic and also has difficulties with sleep. Melatonin (doctor prescribed) has been absolutely life changing. Might be worth looking into.

If she needs a screen can she have a tv in her room? Really really not ideal but lots of people like to sleep with the tv on.

Often the router provided by your ISP has a lot of the features turned off, so invest in a router yourself and improve your WiFi coverage at the same time. I bought a Linxys Deco mesh router because the coverage in my appartement was terrible and the associated app allows me to restrict the WiFi on certain devices, enable guest access to the WiFi etc. The WiFi on DD’s devices are automatically disabled between 23:00 and 07:00 Sunday to Friday.

I’m not giving up my late night Netflix for no one.

@ThurstonArmbrister

I wouldn't turn it off, I'd speak to my phone provider like you say and see what they suggest.

I used to turn my router off, then when I had BT out to investigate my slow broadband they told me to leave it on because if the BT line card (out in the green box in the street) sees a router connection going on and off it automatically slows the connection speed to try to prevent this.

This. All broadband providers throttle the service if you turn off your router at night.

I could never understand this. It's a simple software fix and surely they know what time it is and that most people are asleep at night.

It really annoys me to leave it on using electricity all night long.

Having said that I'd still turn it off if I was OP.

Our routers broke when we turned them off nightly (years ago, but I wouldn't risk it again).

Can't you turn off wifi without turning off the router's electricity?

@ididntevennotice

I would just put the restrictions back on her gadgets. Have one tantrum over it & it's done. Tell her you 'tried' but it didn't work. Maybe if she goes to school every day she can have it left on Friday night?!

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me you know nothing about autism

My thoughts too

Work for open reach don't it fucks your broadband it sees constant re sets then thinks there an issue and slows you b/band down to try and fix it .
It will cap your speed

You'll mess the router up doing that daily.
I think we can lock ours without turning it off, look in to doing that.

@ididntevennotice

I would just put the restrictions back on her gadgets. Have one tantrum over it & it's done. Tell her you 'tried' but it didn't work. Maybe if she goes to school every day she can have it left on Friday night?!

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me you know nothing about autism

This made me laugh @ididntevennotice Spot on!

@bendmeoverbackwards

Thank you *@LittleDidSheKnow* I’m so annoyed with myself that I’ve allowed things to get to this stage. The problem is DD’s executive function is slow, it takes her ages to get started with homework then she’s working late.

I think you need to be a little kinder to yourself OP. Parenting a child with any additional needs is just about the furthest thing you can get from a straight line! I've found that trying to introduce anything without any buy-in from my child has just resulted in an escalation of anxiety and subsequent deterioration in their ability to self-regulate. Apologies if I've missed this but does your child take medication? We were extremely reluctant to go down that route but have found it invaluable in giving our child enough resilience to access additional resources to help them manage. We have put quite a lot of work into sleep hygiene, routines etc but in all honestly it's been a combination of maturity and a less anxious state which has allowed them to go to sleep/switch off at a reasonable time. Keep persevering. The old mantra I heard when my children were toddlers, "everything is a phase", is absolutely true even as they get older. Try to be kinder to yourself in the meantime, you sound like a lovely, considered parent.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Thank you *@LittleDidSheKnow* I’m so annoyed with myself that I’ve allowed things to get to this stage. The problem is DD’s executive function is slow, it takes her ages to get started with homework then she’s working late.

Don’t be annoyed at yourself! It is so so hard, as well I know.

I hope my message didn’t sound smug… I only meant it as a suggestion. For everything we’ve got right for DD, we’ve got 3 or more things wrong, despite her having a diagnosis since age 6.
The problem is children grow up, so whatever strategies you build up to help (and cope with) an ASD child, they keep having to be revised and you often don’t realise until after the ideal time. Teen years/puberty is particularly difficult with an ASD child.

The advice of @SE13Mummy is good: work up to screens off/ screens put away time by having the earlier part of the afternoon and evening structured and predictable and perhaps a little goal orientated. She’ll soon get to know that she should be e.g. changing out of uniform at 4, starting homework at 4.15 etc. You could introduce this a bit at a time and discuss agree things with your DD along the way. We’ve also found the power of incentives and rewards to be invaluable, too.

Make it about reducing your energy consumption- "no one is using it at night so we might as well turn it off"

@EsioTrot thank you, your post brought a tear to my eye.

I have just found out via dd's friend's mum that dd has been sending messages at 3am. I've been taken for a fool with dd convincing me she would be sensible and that she can be trusted. Fuck that.

I've also spoken to my mobile phone provider - apparently they CAN'T restrict the time that data is used. You can either have data or not, or change the amount, but you can't control when it is used. She does need some data for using out and about.

@SE13Mummy I have suggested so many times to dd with some help with managing timescales. She just pushes me away, doesn't want to know. She will ONLY discuss things when she wants to (which is usually asking for money/hair products etc). I try and calmly remind her about homework, does she need any help, she won't engage at all.

Regarding medication - I would actually like her to try anti anxiety medication. But in order for it to be prescribed, she would have to see a doctor which at the moment she will not do.

Basically she just wants me to leave her alone which at 15 I can't and won't do.

@bendmeoverbackwards please don't turn the router off. I work for an ISP and if your router is turned off every night the monitoring of the line comes back as unstable. The system then slows down your internet speed until the line becomes stable again. Except the line won't stabilise because you keep turning it off, and the speed will go slower again. This will go on for week or months until you complain to your ISP and they will have to try and convince you to stop turning the router off.

Instead, ask your ISP if they have an app or login where you can restrict internet at certain times/ or block certain websites. If not, can you buy your own router that has these features?

Or try Net Nanny so that you can set restrictions on different devices for different people. You can leave the time unrestricted but see what she has been doing and at what time etc to then call her on it.

If I was in your shoes I would be booking an appointment with a psychiatrist (who will often see virtually these days). No other doctor can prescribe anxiety medication at her age. My son hates taking about his MH so his had us both do a lot of questionnaires beforehand and just a small amount of talking, he didn't engage much. They can also provide something to aid sleep, my son is 10 and when his MH was at it's peak would be up for days at a time.

Explain the urgency to every psyciatrist you email and hope they get you in soon - even private have huge lists at the moment and camhs psychiatrists are impossible to get. His therapy will be a mix of verbal and non verbal as that is what he needs.

You can apply for an EHCP via your council website - don't wait for school. They aren't as supportive as you think as it should be in place or in motion already. If you can afford private assessments get them booked in as, again, even private have huge lists at the moment.

Honestly, homework is not important right now, she's not learning from it as she's too anxious so it's just another thing to fight over. Ask for it not to be set as a reasonable adjustment to try and get her to a point of being able to engage in learning.

please don't turn the router off. I work for an ISP and if your router is turned off every night the monitoring of the line comes back as unstable. The system then slows down your internet speed until the line becomes stable again. Except the line won't stabilise because you keep turning it off, and the speed will go slower again. This will go on for week or months until you complain to your ISP and they will have to try and convince you to stop turning the router off.

I have turned mine off for years. Literally since the 90s when we first got internet. Never had a single issue with speed or performance.

Could you ask this question on the neurodivergent board? I am sure you will get a very different response.
I also follow quite a few helpful groups on Facebook - you could consider looking at Autism Inclusivity (Facebook group where autistic adults kindly help group members understand what a certain issue or behaviour is like from an autistic perspective), you could also look at PDA advice (very different ways to responding to traditional Autism strategies) also the CPS model of Ross Greene (look up The Explosive child)