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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people think this is ok ??!??

73 replies

Queenie6655 · 02/04/2022 20:34

Hello all

Was out for dinner last night
We all had a rough time with covid so booked a lovely restaurant

Table beside us starts talking to us and the kids (my sister and my two girls with me)
The lady at the table shouts out
'Ah her father must be foreign look at her'
My girl is mixed race

But why is it ok for someone to shout this out
Was mortified
She was so loud
Also we don't talk about her father as he attacked both of us when she was a small baby and we fled from the house (hoping he ends up in jail v soon as a result)

Gosh some people just can't help themselves

What would the correct response be??

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/04/2022 20:37

Well, isn't she just a racist bitch, who seriously does that?!

ReeseWitherfork · 02/04/2022 20:37

Depends what you want to get out of a response. I wouldn’t respond at all. But would you have preferred to put her in her place? (Which you’d have been completely entitled to.)

Not entirely sure why anyone would think it was ok. Guess she was a bit thick?!

Queenie6655 · 02/04/2022 20:38

No seriously !!

My response was to change the subject

She said it again when she was leaving and said she had cousins who looked 'like her' pointing to my child

Wtaf

How about just leave us alone?

My little one asking me today why her eyes are brown and my eyes are green 🙁

OP posts:
Mrsbclinton · 02/04/2022 20:41

Im so angry on your behalf.
I dont think there is a response for someone as ignorant as that woman.
I hope you are ok ❤️

ColtBolt · 02/04/2022 20:42

That’s just shit.

She’s obviously either looking for a fight or drunk and stupid. Or all 3.

I’d try to respond in a way that shows my daughter how to respond but I’ve no idea what that would be.

I’d feel like punching the person in the face or yelling obscenities but that’s just lowering yourself to their level.

Sad Sorry that happened

DockOTheBay · 02/04/2022 20:44

But why is it ok for someone to shout this out
Its not! It's not OK and I doubt anyone except a racist arsehole would say it is.

Madre123 · 02/04/2022 20:49

You should have shouted back...
Your father must have been an ignorant twat as they say like father like daughter!

gettingolderandgrumpy · 02/04/2022 20:51

It’s not ok she’s obviously a idiot , I’m sorry this happened it’s disgusting .

Queenie6655 · 02/04/2022 20:52

It's ok

I think I did well to stay dignified

She was anxiously drunk as she had spilled most of her bottle of wine on the floor so we had to wait a while for staff to clean it up before we could sit down

But it makes me worry what other people will say in the future re my daughter !!!! Madness

Used to live in a big multi cultural city and most of my friends kids are mixed race so to me it never ever is anything at all , no kind of issue
Not even mentioned ever

This hurt me today. Also that the father is an utter scumbag so have said very little to my daughter about him YET ( waiting for more questions from her in relation to this )

OP posts:
Neongoddess · 02/04/2022 20:53

I am mixed race. I got this from both sides

'Where's your parents from?'
'England and ireland'
'Yeah but where they like, really from'

The from the other side i get

'So you kind of look Asian....but not. Whi one of your parents is white?'

How I respond depends on the situation and my mood. Can range from anything from 'that's a weirdly personal question' to 'what do you mean?' To ' that so rude' to 'do you sit and guess white people parentage' to 'why do you have a sweepstake on how white I am?'

On occasion, I have gone into a really detailed ancestors of my really diverse background. Conveniently leaving our anyone's skin colour tol they get bored.

Queenie6655 · 02/04/2022 20:55

@Neongoddess thank you so much for your response

How is it ok. To ask this??

And I love your responses !!!!!

Gosh some people need a good shake sometimes 😝😳

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 02/04/2022 21:01

People say such insensitive things. You just have to call them out and they usually realise they're being twats.

My nan came out with something awful in a restaurant once to a rude man. In her defence, dementia was taking hold by then so she just said what was on her mind.

Someone commented about one of my cousins weight. She was a big girl then. Same sort of look at her comment. 'Look at her, got to be something wrong with her to get in that state.'

My nan was a very deceptively sweet looking old lady and stared back at them before asking the rest of us 'What's he talking about? He talking about Lisa? What, was he dragged up by gippos? Tell him to get back on his horse! Got no manners this lot have they?'

We all did the horrified 'NAN!!!' And apologised for her language. But honestly I still laughed as his face was hilarious. His wife looked so embarrassed for him and said don't worry, he was asking for it.

I hope it taught him not to make personal comments about people but sadly I doubt it.

I'd just be honest, some people have brown eyes and some have green. Hers are brown because her dad's were brown. Then comment on a feature she gets from you. Her lovely curly hair or her smile or her height. Something positive. Of all the things she got from her father, at least it was xyz.

nldnmum02 · 02/04/2022 21:04

I’m sorry that happened to you and daughter OP. I just can’t believe there are people like this in this day and age 🤦‍♀️ It’s plain rude.

BOOTS52 · 02/04/2022 21:06

You did the right thing as she just sounds like a drunk idiot. No point reasoning or talking with a drunk. Sometimes we are so shocked with what people say that we are just speechless and think of something we should have said after the situation but you did the right thing. No matter where you go there are backward thinking racist fools, when my son was younger he's an adult now we moved back home and he had kids say to him 'go back to uk you english bastard'. When he told me I was just shocked but then again those kid's parents never ventured further than the estate they grew up on and so close minded. I was soo angry but I just talked to my son about it all and now if someone says anything remotely racist in my company I call them out on it and they seem shocked.

WonderingWanda · 02/04/2022 21:07

That woman is disgusting, both for her discrinination and for being so drunk she spilt her drink everywhere. The restaurant should have kicked her out. Well done on maintaining a dignified response. I'm sure you felt like telling her to fuck off in all manner of unpleasant ways. I'm sad this happened to you and am surprised all the time how much casual racism exists in our country.

Violinist64 · 02/04/2022 21:08

Please try not to think about this dreadful woman. Thankfully most people are above such atrocious behaviour. My own children are mixed race and my thoughts are that mixed race children are the most attractive of all as they tend to get the best of both. If your daughter asks questions please tell her this and also how it makes her extra special. Unfortunately, some people don’t see things this way but my experience has been that there are far more kind people in the world than people like this horrible woman. She doesn’t deserve the space in your head. Your beautiful daughter does.

RoyKent · 02/04/2022 21:09

My DM was at soft play with my newborn DD when a lady approached and said "Oh My God! I thought that was a black baby!" Like that was such an outrageous thing to see. My baby is black. Totally agree people think its their perogative to comment on race.

FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 21:10

I would have had a quiet word with the waiting staff and ask if she could be removed

Neongoddess · 02/04/2022 21:13

[quote Queenie6655]@Neongoddess thank you so much for your response

How is it ok. To ask this??

And I love your responses !!!!!

Gosh some people need a good shake sometimes 😝😳[/quote]
Its not ok. It never has been. But people are twats.

I do genuinely believe some people are just quite interested. Like some people may point out that someone's accent is different and asks our of genuine interest.

But the issue is, they don't get what it's like growing up being asked this all the time. To them it's just a genuine question.

To dad's family and their wider community, me and dbro weren't 'Asian enough'. While mums family werent bothered at all, I got alot of white people feeling it was fine to point it out, usually to make me out to be less than. When you have grown up with people asking it in a derogarty way, being asked by someone who just trying to show some interest just puts me straight on edge. People who haven't experienced it, don't get it.

I did grow up in a diverse area. Lots of different ethnicities, but very few mixed race people. To many we were oddities.

Both mum and dad have had periods where they felt guilty for being together and having kids. They expected the shit they got. They didn't expect for us.

I am so very sorry you had to deal with this. Remind your dd that lots of people have different colour eyes to their parents. My mum's were blue, my dad's were Hazel. I got my grandads very dark brown eyes (mums side, he was white but greek). My dd has my dad's eyes.

I know it's not incredibly fashionable to tell girls they are beautiful. But do Remind her of that as well as all the other things about her brilliance. And try to make sure she see successful women who look like her. Actresses, business women, doctors etc. It helps.

Pinklimey · 02/04/2022 21:15

Sadly its something that happens. My mum always got accused of being the nanny when we were little, so I spent many years yelling Mum, just so everyone knew she was my mum not that they cared

FrankLeeSpeaking · 02/04/2022 21:18

It's clearly not OK.
What a nasty woman.

UneFoisAuChalet · 02/04/2022 21:20

Ah, I’ve had this my whole life. Cock an eyebrow and don’t say a bloody word. Stare them down until they mumble something and look away. I never say/said anything because it’s would have been nasty. Very nasty. Because I’m not mentioning that your a fat chav alcoholic so don’t talk about my skin colour.

They would go up to my ‘white’ dad and ask him when he adopted us. Good old dad would flip his lid. What’s funny is that we look exactly like my dad. Just different skin tone and eye colour.

Just treat those people with the contempt they deserve. If she shouted out ‘ooh are you disabled? You look disabled is your dad disabled?’ ’ She’d be universally condemned.

MarmiteCoriander · 02/04/2022 21:33

It not just skin colour! My SIL and BIL are both blonde, but their son has bright, orange hair. SIL would get comments all the time about his hair - 'look at that carrot top', is your husband Irish?, 'where did that mop come from?', 'is that a throwback?'

I only ever think of replies long after the event- having stewed over something for hours/days so can't help with a good come back! I could only think of something like 'are you always that rude about a child???'

nalabae · 02/04/2022 21:33

It’s not okay that woman is scum

nalabae · 02/04/2022 21:33

Micro aggression racism