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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people think this is ok ??!??

73 replies

Queenie6655 · 02/04/2022 20:34

Hello all

Was out for dinner last night
We all had a rough time with covid so booked a lovely restaurant

Table beside us starts talking to us and the kids (my sister and my two girls with me)
The lady at the table shouts out
'Ah her father must be foreign look at her'
My girl is mixed race

But why is it ok for someone to shout this out
Was mortified
She was so loud
Also we don't talk about her father as he attacked both of us when she was a small baby and we fled from the house (hoping he ends up in jail v soon as a result)

Gosh some people just can't help themselves

What would the correct response be??

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 02/04/2022 23:09

Don’t insult donkeys! 😉 I forgot to add that despite my blue eyes and blonde hair, I’m the one from a mixed race background. It was a couple of generations ago now, but I’m definitely the white sheep of the family. Everyone else had dark skin, black eyes and hair, and I was the one who was constantly explained away and made to feel like I don’t belong.

DoctorMarten · 02/04/2022 23:10

She's a nasty racist moose.

Tell your daughter her brown eyes are beautiful.

And next time, tell the racist fucker, "well, thank goodness she looks the way she does. We wouldn't want her to look like you."

MarineBlue33 · 02/04/2022 23:15

What kind of restaurant was it where people talk like this?
misses point of thread

SometimesSunshineSometimesrain · 02/04/2022 23:21

It's the people who don't know they are racist that are worst ones. The casual racism that I hear sometimes is astounding. I am also the mum of a mixed race child. It's just awful that we have to prepare them to handle this bullshit.

AnastasiaRomanov · 02/04/2022 23:21

What a rude ignorant woman. I do wonder though if it’s curiosity rather than racism sometimes.
I get asked all the time where I am from. I get so exhausted with it. I’ve moved around all my life and have a mish mash of accents as a result. People have a need to place other people. They need to ‘quantify’ you somehow in order to make sense of how to deal with you I think.
Obviously there are racists too but sometimes I really think it’s curiosity and not knowing what to make of someone.
Generally human beings struggle with difference, especially those who come from a background where they haven’t mixed much and aren’t very cultivated, for want of a better word.
The woman in the restaurant sounds drunk and ignorant.

Starseeking · 02/04/2022 23:25

No, that's really not ok, however there are morons everywhere. Teach your DD to hold her head high and rise above the idiots.

Also if your DD doesn't know anything about her father's heritage, and dad/dad's family don't have contact, it's important that you educate and teach her about it, and not ignore it.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/04/2022 23:26

That's awful. I didn't know people still behaved like this.

RobotValkyrie · 02/04/2022 23:28

Generally human beings struggle with difference, especially those who come from a background where they haven’t mixed much and aren’t very cultivated, for want of a better word.

It's really not "generally", it's very specific to certain sets of individuals who

  1. seem to have been living under a rock for most of their life to be so unused to "differences" which are really quite common-place
  2. are completely lacking in basic manners (commenting on the physical appearance of strangers is plain rude. Young children do it, but by the time they reach 6 or 7, most kids know you're not supposed to do that)
NotNotNotMyName · 02/04/2022 23:32

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. It sounds like the woman was pissed but this is not an excuse. She sounds like one of those people who like to push other people’s buttons, my ex MIL was like this (although would never have been racist) she did like to overstep the mark in other ways. Is is about thrill seeking or control maybe?

Either way I’d have just asked to move table as soon as she’d made the comment about your DD and also reported it to the management at the same time. She really should have been asked to leave.

Cornishclio · 02/04/2022 23:35

My response would be Oh you must be a racist. Listen to yourself. How rude, insulting and ignorant must that lady be.

Livelovebehappy · 02/04/2022 23:56

I’m struggling to believe this actually happened. It’s just such a random comment to come out of a stranger in this kind of setting.

Insidelaurashead · 03/04/2022 00:00

Why do people think negative comments on other people's kids is appropriate? If a child has just held a door open for you or something, fine to say to them and their parent oh your DC has lovely manners. If they're wearing a gorgeous dress or a cool t-shirt, fine to say so (IMO anyway) but otherwise keep your mouth shut.

Calandor · 03/04/2022 00:09

People like this are either xenophobic, stupid or uneducated.

Calandor · 03/04/2022 00:10

Or all three of course

AHungryCaterpillar · 03/04/2022 00:14

Reading this thread I’m glad I live in London, I’m mixed and so are my kids and we never get any comments at all.

user1487768885 · 03/04/2022 00:32

I'm not white. Born & bred in the North though. My children look completely white. People always give us funny looks( thank god I'm the mum not the postman!). I have been asked by the cleaner next door if they were My children (implying I'm the nanny). Once on holiday someone said to me your English is so good! Well I actually grew up like 10 miles away from that woman. Forget about these people. Be the bigger & better person I love my children & that's the most important thing

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 03/04/2022 00:38

@Livelovebehappy

I’m struggling to believe this actually happened. It’s just such a random comment to come out of a stranger in this kind of setting.
Should have took my phone out and recorded if
OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 03/04/2022 00:39

@MarineBlue33

What kind of restaurant was it where people talk like this? misses point of thread
An Italian Very popular restaurant
OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 03/04/2022 00:42

Thanks all

I miss London

I miss living there and embracing all cultures

Colour /race/religion - this was never brought up

Now I am glad to say I said nothing back as she is clearly silly and also pissed

Just wish she had left us alone

Time out with my family Is so precious

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 03/04/2022 00:46

Did she shout Or just talk really loud?

I mean, either way it sucked. But you'll get a lifetime of this. So saying "we don't talk about her dad" isn't a life approach that is going to work. Just let her grow up thinking he wasn't a good man (and when she us older you could share what he's done)and he is no longer in the picture.

But believe me op. The questions and remark will keep coming the rest of her life. Trust this mixed race baby it Blush
You just need to develop thicker skin and come up with witty remarks or let it slide of your back. Or just be rude back.

My response vary on my moodGrin

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 03/04/2022 22:46

@Marvellousmadness very good point !!!!

No idea how I will react next time

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 04/04/2022 00:00

@FloralsForSpring

I would have had a quiet word with the waiting staff and ask if she could be removed
Yes this is the best thing to do.
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 04/04/2022 11:07

Will consider that next time

I'm sure this won't be the last time

How about just leave people alone and let them have their dinner in piece ??!!!!

OP posts:
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