To expect dh to stop boasting

[Urchinelle]

Dh pretty much only looks after 18 month old ds while he is asleep. He will frame in such a way "I know you've had a rough night so I'll let you have a couple of hours to yourself this afternoon", and this will be while ds has his nap. During this time, dh can do what he wants and he can also do what he wants for a couple of hours after ds wakes up, because I've already had a couple of hours to myself. Which I would get anyway if ds was asleep and dh wasn't there...
I'm sick of being told how grateful I should be, I get he could be a lot worse but he boasts all the time about what a great father and husband he is.
He turned down a night out recently which I'd told him to go on as didn't want to stop him doing stuff and didn't want him going on about it, and he keeps going on about how he did this for me because I'm not allowed to go out so it's in solidarity, isn't he great... Yet he goes on holiday with mates without me! (twice since ds birth) and often goes out for a few hours to see his mate/do his hobby.
I do all the nights and work ft, apart from work the longest I've had away from ds is a 4 hour shopping trip.
I'm just getting a bit tired of constantly being told how grateful I should be. I don't tell him he is lucky he gets to go away for a week/sleep all night /go out in the evening, it's just a given.

@Neverreturntoathread

I hear you OP! Mine has to do a fanfare every time he does anything.

Unattractive isn’t it 😐

My friend has one like this. Will go on and on and on about a meal he’s cooked. As if he’s the second coming of Christ because he’s made a bog standard spaghetti bolognaise. I couldn’t cope with it myself.

But then I wouldn’t give the fanfare and would be pretty cutting about it.

I'm actually a bit cross with all the women who enable this shit. (Hypocritically because I did too when I was younger). Because it teaches their kids that men are superior, and women are their slaves. And so the cycle continues.

But surely when you say you need time to yourself and he makes you feel bad you point out that he obviously doesn't love DS very much as he goes on holiday /out with his friends.
When his mum praised him for helping out for one night you should have asked where your praise was for every other night. This one really works because I said it to my MIL and she just got flustered and finally apologised.
You just need to tell DH he has x hours a week to himself and you need the same. Tell him it's too much pressure on you otherwise. Basically just say to him what he says to you. He won't like it but will realise what a twat he's being.
Oh and please please tell him looking after his own child is not babysitting!!

I hear you OP! Mine has to do a fanfare every time he does anything

We have a line in our household when someone boasts about a routine job.. the other one will say casually…’oh can you just reach in that cupboard for me‘ ‘yeah, what did you want’ ‘ there’s a FUCKING MEDAL in there for you‘

It was DH did it to me first when I mentioned I had done one of ‘his‘ jobs (bins I think) but I repurposed it many times over for all the other things I routinely do without a fanfare. It worked.

Of course they weren't. Mine was always talking pre children about how he'd helped out with his nephew when he was a baby, driving him round when he wouldn't sleep at night. With our children he did this precisely 0 times.

I thought we had a modern marriage, we were friends, equals, he cooked and did washing etc. Once we had children, it all went up in smoke. Not saying there weren't any red flags, but they were more obvious in retrospect than before the fact.

This was my experience too and I suspect it is quite common.

My DH and I lived together for years before we had children and we split everything evenly - cooking, housework, shopping, life admin, etc. There weren’t any giant red flags - he certainly didn’t expect me to pick up after him or iron his shirts, for example.

But then we had a child and the amount of free time available reduced significantly while the amount of housework and life admin doubled. It turned out that my DH was very good at looking after himself and his environment but wasn’t interested in the drudgery involved in looking after someone else.

This won’t work in every relationship and I certainly wouldn’t advise anyone with a lazy husband to give up work, but the one thing that got through to my husband was threatening to quit my job. I said I wasn’t prepared to do 90% of the housework, childcare and life admin while working full time and earning 50% of the money - if he wanted me to be a 1950s wife/mother, then he needed to be a 1950s husband/father. That scared the hell out of him because he certainly didn’t want the pressure of being sole breadwinner and definitely didn’t want to lose my salary. Things did improve a lot after that.

I said I wasn’t prepared to do 90% of the housework, childcare and life admin while working full time and earning 50% of the money

I took this stance with my DH when I went away for an evening and returned the next day to find absolutely everything had been left where it had fallen - including swimming kit just on the floor of the kitchen in a bag, all the dinner dishes on the kitchen table etc. He's expecting me to be delighted the kids are dressed I said if all of this is my job whether I'm here or not, I'm not working full time as well so choose. He's got a lot better since then!

Another issue we had earlier is that when I was on mat leave I did do everything, and he just got used to it. So when I went back to work he wasn't used to having to step up and do a share, including child care. He's got a lot better now. He's basically a nice guy, but he grew up with a mum who was a SAHM so he does slip into this without thinking. Could there be an element of this do you think?

He's being a dick to suggest you don't love your ds enough if you want to go out. I'd be batting that one straight back.

On a separate note you need to night wean him. Honestly, it will be hard but it will just get harder the longer you leave it.

I'm sorry OP but I'm seeing massive red flags

1. you don't feel able to speak openly with him. I'd be telling my partner "well that's no use to me as he'll be asleep anyway, I'll pop out later (when child is awake)." The fact you can't talk to him about what's upsetting/annoying you makes me worry. Why do you feel you have to hold back?

2. I breastfeed my 1 yr old. And I've been out all day multiple times while my partner stays with the kids. Whilst I feed to sleep, my partner taps my child off to sleep. Why doesn't your partner try to get them off? What does he think nursery/childcare do?

Personally, if my partner was always going on about it I'd tell him like it is "it's your baby as much as he's mine. You're not doing me a favour, you're parenting and could do more hours tbh. I work full-time so we should be sharing the childcare 50/50"

To me, it sounds like you've got a massive power issue going on here. Your partner seems to get to hold all the cards, and you just have to act grateful.

YABU in not telling him when you are going out rather than letting him dictate Your DH sounds controlling Take control back !

Speak to him about it.

Can you tackle it head on?

When he says oh you have these couple of hours to yourself, you could say oh well since baby is asleep,
we can both have these couple of hours to ourself as there is no input necessary when he’s asleep -and I’d prefer if you could help me at bedtime or whenever.

@Urchinelle

Thank sfor the replies. To clarify he has not said I'm not allowed to go for a night out/away but I still nurse ds to sleep and can't get him to sleep any other way so the nights/evenings are no one's fault exactly.

But I feel uncomfortable asking to go out during the day time as it seems like he makes a massive deal about it, whereas it's expecting he can do it all the time.

I have spoken to him about it and I was made to feel bad... As if asking for more time to myself was a) putting unfair pressure on him and b) kind of me not loving ds enough if that makes sense? As in I should want to spend all my time with him( I do enjoy this obviously but do need a break sometimes!)

This to me, is a major red flag.

No one should make you feel guilty for wanting time to yourself.

Being tied in every night would have broken me. You sound like a lovely Mum, but you don't have to put up with this shit.

Can you sit down and have a conversation about it? I'm not saying anything confrontational, just explaining how you feel and what you want to change?

I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but it seems there are a multitude of women on this site who are married to men who don't act like grown ups.

b) kind of me not loving ds enough if that makes sense?

turn this right round on him.
Doesn't he love his son enough to do things for him?
Doesn't he love him enough to want to look after him?
Doesn't he love him enough to learn how to take care of him?