To expect dh to stop boasting

[Urchinelle]

Dh pretty much only looks after 18 month old ds while he is asleep. He will frame in such a way "I know you've had a rough night so I'll let you have a couple of hours to yourself this afternoon", and this will be while ds has his nap. During this time, dh can do what he wants and he can also do what he wants for a couple of hours after ds wakes up, because I've already had a couple of hours to myself. Which I would get anyway if ds was asleep and dh wasn't there...
I'm sick of being told how grateful I should be, I get he could be a lot worse but he boasts all the time about what a great father and husband he is.
He turned down a night out recently which I'd told him to go on as didn't want to stop him doing stuff and didn't want him going on about it, and he keeps going on about how he did this for me because I'm not allowed to go out so it's in solidarity, isn't he great... Yet he goes on holiday with mates without me! (twice since ds birth) and often goes out for a few hours to see his mate/do his hobby.
I do all the nights and work ft, apart from work the longest I've had away from ds is a 4 hour shopping trip.
I'm just getting a bit tired of constantly being told how grateful I should be. I don't tell him he is lucky he gets to go away for a week/sleep all night /go out in the evening, it's just a given.

Your not allowed to go out? Who is he your social worker ?????

Id just book a week in spain with the girls. He does it so whats your issue?

This is absolute bullshit

What can’t you go out?

Thank sfor the replies.
To clarify he has not said I'm not allowed to go for a night out/away but I still nurse ds to sleep and can't get him to sleep any other way so the nights/evenings are no one's fault exactly.

But I feel uncomfortable asking to go out during the day time as it seems like he makes a massive deal about it, whereas it's expecting he can do it all the time.

I have spoken to him about it and I was made to feel bad... As if asking for more time to myself was a) putting unfair pressure on him and b) kind of me not loving ds enough if that makes sense? As in I should want to spend all my time with him( I do enjoy this obviously but do need a break sometimes!)

His reaction when I brought it up is what led me to post on here. As I didn't know if I was being tied and grumpy or whether I had good reason to feel like this.

It's the boasting, you could have it a lot worse that gets me

How on Earth can you not see that what you've just written is absolutely and utterly ridiculous?
You are EQUAL parents. Two of you. Whatever he can do OF BLOODY COURSE you can do as well. How on Earth can either of you argue/think otherwise.
Ok, you can't go out for the 30 minutes or so you nurse to sleep. The other 23.5 hours. Of course you can.

@CurlyBurley

Urgh. This reminds me of when I was in hospital for 2 days when my DC was about 18 months, so my DH had to actually step up and look after him. I never heard the end of it. Even my FIL kept saying how proud he was of his son for doing it! FFS no one says they're proud of me for caring for my child 24hours a day, every day! It's my DH's own child, he should bloody well look after him! So irritating.

Yes it is same from family too. Mil saying how great he was for helping out one night (in over a year!) and how tired he must be... Never anything about me doing every night!

Well you could have it a lot better too. You know, by having a husband who respects you and loves you.

Although I'm intrigued. How could you have it a lot worse? What's the next level down - beating you? Is that what you both mean?

You say you are fed up with it @Urchinelle but you don’t say what you’ve done about changing it. No one can make you feel bad so stop allowing him to harness your guilt as a way of making his life easy. This does not demonstrate a man who cares much about anyone but himself and what he is doing is actually very controlling and manipulative. I advise you to really push back hard on this now.

It’s completely unacceptable that the responsibility for parenting ultimately rests with you yet you’re expected to be grateful for the cherry-picked contribution he makes as “a favour”. He’s not “doing you a favour” with his meagre contribution and I would really start chucking your weight around now and insisting on equal time to yourself and freedoms, before this becomes the norm if you have more children. I’d start by selecting the flashpoint in your DC’s day and insisting that he manages that daily, not one off. I also think you need to very publicly call out his boasts, don’t be too kind about it. I would also very firmly put him right on his implication that you don’t love your son. Do this very directly “are you seriously trying to imply that I don’t love my son. How dare you. Why don’t you get off your self satisfied arse and show me you love him and me, by stepping up and not being a manipulative wanker”; that kind of thing, possibly with a bit more bad language. If you don’t feel you can push back then I’d seek some help to develop your assertiveness. But don’t let it continue.

I have a very good friend whose DH was just like this. Irritating when they had one DC but I think she went along with it to a degree and by the time they had three children she was totally worn out. He was happily pursuing his hobbies and career, his sacrosanct pub night, getting a good night’s sleep, showcasing his three boys and his brilliant hands-on parenting and eventually attacking her for not being the person she used to be despite all “he’d done for her” by teaching the boys to cycle/play tennis etc on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours so she could get on with cleaning. He also taught them to treat their mum with a lack of respect. Then on the basis she had “lost her spark” he left her. The only good news is that once they’d split and she found her feet she had a bit of a renaissance and is remarried to a nice man and her DC have grown up now and changed their tune. I didn’t really know all this until after they split but I remember she regretted not being assertive enough early on. Your post just reminded me of him.

@Urchinelle

His reaction when I brought it up is what led me to post on here. As I didn't know if I was being tied and grumpy or whether I had good reason to feel like this.

It's the boasting, you could have it a lot worse that gets me

What is a lot worse than him?

Because you know what if you two split he would have it a lot worse in that he would actually have to parent his child.

And you wouldn't have to ask to go out during the day. You do understand that is bonkers, a simple I am off out for a few hours with Sarah, you guys have fun is all it should be

It's the boasting, you could have it a lot worse that gets me

My answer to that is that no one in this house gets a parade thrown and medals awarded for being a basically decent human being. Mums certainly don't but dads seem to. It's sexist.

Unfortunately it seems yours was raised by at least one sexist (MIL) and possibly two. So you'll have to have very good boundaries and not accept it.

Honestly gird your loins for arguments and start going out and start insisting on alternating look after DC overnight.

I think you going for a weekend away will bring your "D"H up to speed on parenting

@YouOKHun that could be my friend. Plus he cheated. She has a lovely, hot, wonderful, helpful, kind bloke now and her ex is screwed.

@Urchinelle he is not going to stop boasting unless you call him out on it.

If you're waiting for him to give you permission to go out, forget it. You will have to be brave and face his 'disapproval" and ignore his attempts to guilt and manipulate you.

Why can't he give a nighttime feed instead of you?

@Canhearthemice

Sounds like Paul from motherland. I too have one of those

So true! Really good comparison.

Sorry OP it’s really not fair on you. Can you be honest with your DH and explain he needs to start pulling his weight?

To be honest, you are acting like a bit of a doormat so expect to be walked on. Just say you are having your time off when the baby is awake and go out. You are facilitating his behaviour.

I have spoken to him about it and I was made to feel bad... As if asking for more time to myself was a) putting unfair pressure on him and b) kind of me not loving ds enough

He's guilt tripping you and taking the absolute piss.
Put an end to that shit now! You have the same right as him to have leisure time.
Fuck that shit

Doesnt sound like you like him v much. Why did you marry him?

@IsThePopeCatholic

Genuine question to the innumerable women with bone idle, infantile, self-absorbed, selfish, irresponsible husbands / partners: was he like this before you had kids? There seems to be a massive transformation in many men when kids arrive, or were they always like this?

Of course they weren't. Mine was always talking pre children about how he'd helped out with his nephew when he was a baby, driving him round when he wouldn't sleep at night. With our children he did this precisely 0 times.

I thought we had a modern marriage, we were friends, equals, he cooked and did washing etc. Once we had children, it all went up in smoke. Not saying there weren't any red flags, but they were more obvious in retrospect than before the fact.

But I feel uncomfortable asking to go out during the day time as it seems like he makes a massive deal about it, whereas it's expecting he can do it all the time.

The more you go out in the day time, the less uncomfortable you will feel about it. And the more ridiculous his moaning will be.

I would also suggest you put a lot more effort into getting DS to sleep without nursing him. And what that will require is DH doing the night time routine. The next 18 months (at least!) are his turn anyway.

And if he complains about it tell him "Some men have to bring their children up on their own. You could have it a lot worse." (And go out!).

@Urchinelle

Thank sfor the replies. To clarify he has not said I'm not allowed to go for a night out/away but I still nurse ds to sleep and can't get him to sleep any other way so the nights/evenings are no one's fault exactly.

But I feel uncomfortable asking to go out during the day time as it seems like he makes a massive deal about it, whereas it's expecting he can do it all the time.

I have spoken to him about it and I was made to feel bad... As if asking for more time to myself was a) putting unfair pressure on him and b) kind of me not loving ds enough if that makes sense? As in I should want to spend all my time with him( I do enjoy this obviously but do need a break sometimes!)

This is coercive control OP, completely.

Well he sounds like a shitty excuse for a father and partner but I can’t feel too sorry for you because it sounds like you’re just limply allowing it. People will treat you as you let them. If it was me I’d say something. So I’d say ‘but if you look after him at 12-2 so I can read a book he’ll be asleep. I could do that anyway. Then you get to pretend you’re doing your job as a parent while doing nothing as usual. No, you can have him 2-4 so I can do something.’ And if he went on about it I’d cut him off every time. ‘No you haven’t done anything great and I’m not lucky. You’re actually doing much less than I am, so you’re the lucky one. Please stop going on about it, it’s making you look stupid.’

I think it would be easier to throw him back and try again than hope he’ll turn into a decent human being though.

With first DC I didn't have a night away until she was 17months. Before I left DH admitted he was nervous, he also video called me with DD while she was crying mama which didn't make me feel great...
BUT, by the time I got back (away for 2 nights) he said it was easier than he had thought and he was more confident doing things alone with DD after that weekend.

We now have 2 DC, DH goes to the pub occasionally, the gym, football sometimes and weekends away (stag dos usually). I get significantly less time to myself but DH does offer time for a nap/ lie in/ bath. Maybe you need to ask for more or just sneak off when you can!