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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that people think less of me for being a crier.

62 replies

DrTeddyAltman · 02/04/2022 08:23

I cry at everything.
It's got less as I've got older and definitely reduced at work as I've grown in confidence in a relatively new role but there's times when I'm literally on the verge of tears all the time.
If someone ever asks if I'm OK, like a genuine 'How are you?' that's it, I'm off.
I used to cry at having to speak to more senior staff or to ask for anything like time off for medical appointments etc but now im more comfortable that happens less. I cry at giving people bad news or when I have to tell them I haven't/can't do something.
I cry (or almost) when I need to speak formally to people, like DCs teacher at parents evening or the doctor.
I also cry through pride, so practically anytime I watch my DC do a show, play a sport etc.
I cry at anyone performing, doing something to impress other people.
I just don't know how to stop it. It's embarrassing, makes me feel inferior and I'm sure people think less of me for it.
Can anyone please help me stop?!

OP posts:
cremeeggsonboxingday · 02/04/2022 10:38

Wow, I could have written all of this, including about the blushing. I can't tell you how good it feels to see someone else is the same (sorry!). I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD, so I'm not sure if that's related. I have considered some sort of therapy but I just can't bring myself to do it.

OutlookStalking · 02/04/2022 10:41

Therapy will be tricky (amd make you cry!) And examine all the reasons you cry. But be so worth it.

flower277 · 02/04/2022 10:43

I’m a crier too. I cry when I get mad or frustrated. I cry regularly at work with pride/happiness, I work in an SEN school and when a child in my class does something new or special, I cry. The girls at work laugh at me good naturedly.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 02/04/2022 10:48

@EleanorDeCleaner

Christ, poor you - how exhausting.

But I'm not reading your description as you being someone who is simply over-emotional or dramatic, it sounds clinical to me - i.e it's a physical response that you have no control over, like an extreme form of blushing. So talk of "building resilience" is pointless.

I once had an adrenaline reaction to dental anaesthetic and that made me cry uncontrollably for no reason. In the situations you describe your body is producing an excess of something, surely?

Worth a chat with a GP perhaps, to see if it's some sort of condition? Just say at the start that you're going to cry!

In solidarity though, I once managed a woman who was being horribly bullied by our senior manager (mine and hers, I was her line manager). She was so broken and I was so angry for her distress that I found myself crying in sympathy when I had to virtually drag her back to her desk after she had period off work with stress and had her HR interview. Embarrassing (and no help at all to her) but she was grateful that I cared.

This is the first thing that jumped out at me - this doesn’t sound like a psychological issue at all.

I would ask for a referral to have your hormone levels checked, because it sounds like an imbalance to me. Especially if it’s affecting your day to day ability to get on with life.

People who cry more easily aren’t always “just sensitive”, there is actually a hormone that increases emotional response and means some people are genuinely unable to inhibit tears. More of this hormone is, unsurprisingly, found in women than in men, but obviously to varying extents. It’s not just women being “too sensitive”!

Can’t remember the name of it now but there’s bound to be some decent researchers amongst mumsnetters…

dogaibu · 02/04/2022 10:49

An antidepressant could help with this. I'm not a crier just suffer depression and anxiety and have been on medication for it. Since being on the medication I find it very hard to cry

Indicatrice · 02/04/2022 10:51

Maybe you’re a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person. It manifests in different ways. Like when someone else is humiliated, I want the floor to swallow me up as well. I can’t look at people’s wounds etc, I will literally cover my eyes rather than look. I’d rather I was hurt instead of a loved one, even emotional hurt or embarrassment.

However, I am pretty ruthless in my job (corporate). So it doesn’t mean you are weak.

monsterpup · 02/04/2022 11:01

I used to be like this! Cried at everything and honestly it's embarrassing and exhausting but there was nothing I could do about it

Honest answer is that going on a low dose of SSRI's is the only thing that helped, I didn't go on them for that, I went on for anxiety but it's a side effect that I'm incredibly grateful for!

Original poster
DrTeddyAltman · 02/04/2022 11:20

Thanks everyone for your advice, i genuinely thought I'd get a lot of 'pull yourself together' and 'yes, I know someone like this and I do think they're soft'

My close work colleagues, and to be fair my boss, know I'm like this and don't make a thing of it. In terms of me not being nice to live with, my husband doesn't have to put up with it that often because if he's there, I guess it seems better and I'm comfortable at home etc. I do think some of it may be anxiety based and probably made worse by worrying but sometimes it's not.

It's taken a lot for me to post this morning but I realise I do need to speak to the GP next because I don't think this is something that will get better on its own, I just don't know what the support will look like.

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 02/04/2022 11:21

@DrTeddyAltman

Thanks everyone for your advice, i genuinely thought I'd get a lot of 'pull yourself together' and 'yes, I know someone like this and I do think they're soft'

My close work colleagues, and to be fair my boss, know I'm like this and don't make a thing of it. In terms of me not being nice to live with, my husband doesn't have to put up with it that often because if he's there, I guess it seems better and I'm comfortable at home etc. I do think some of it may be anxiety based and probably made worse by worrying but sometimes it's not.

It's taken a lot for me to post this morning but I realise I do need to speak to the GP next because I don't think this is something that will get better on its own, I just don't know what the support will look like.

When I said I don't think it's nice to live with.

I meant for you. This sounds horrible and not pleasant to cope with at all.

Spidey66 · 02/04/2022 11:29

I'm like this or was in the past. I'm very sensitive and cry easily. It's got better as I've got older. Like others, antidepressants do help. I wouldn't necessarily recommend them just for this, I'm on them for depression, but they are a welcome side effect. Basically they numb your emotions. Not everyone's cup of tea but can help.

monsterpup · 02/04/2022 11:32

I think it probably is anxiety based and you're probably just quite an emotional person (I'm the exact same). I really can't stress how much better my life has been since going on antidepressants but I do understand they're not for everyone

RusticCharminglyCrumbled · 02/04/2022 11:32

This might be completely wrong but if it doesn't resonate with you, it might help someone in a similar position. It might be worth seeing if you have sinus problems. The pressure can make your face feel very much like you've been crying, like swollen under eyes. In turn this makes you think something is wrong, it must be because you feel like you have been crying. In turn this then makes you think you need to cry. It may well be that when you are stressed the pressure gets worse and prompts you to cry. It's easy then to get in a cycle of crying in these situations because that what always happens. It took me ages to realise that my chronic sinus condition was the reason I couldn't stop crying.

Bananabutter · 02/04/2022 11:41

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Laska2Meryls · 02/04/2022 11:48

I am the same, especially when someone says anything nice about me ...or anything personal about me at all..( especially if they are being kind.... ). Cry at funerals even if I dont know the person well.. I m going to MILs funeral this week and dreading it ..

I cry at all potential conflict as well I think that its a defence mechanism.. cant argue without getting choked up even when I am in the right..

Were your parents critical about you personally OP? Mine were always big on ' telling me things for my own good' .. I think that has something to do with it ..so I have never felt acceptable..

I used to absolutely dread 1-1s at work, would do anything to not have them.. In the end id just refuse them ...
.
Worse is that even if I am a little upset I get terrible red eyes and nose and if someone comments, it starts me off again..

Strangely though I can debate, think that I am logical and am certainly not shy..

Its weird..

merryhouse · 02/04/2022 11:49

A few years ago I skim-read my sister's copy of "The Explosive Child"

(which sounds totally irrelevant - bear with me)

It described a slightly different sub-group of people with the same underlying issues, who instead of exploding in anger and violence would begin to cry. It was a bit of a breakthrough realisation for me.

You might find it useful to read (I admit I haven't looked at it since - just the pointer was enough for me now).

I had to explain to a horrified nice young man who was trying to teach me something in karate that I was not upset Grin just frustrated, and when I'm frustrated my face leaks...

(My sister's explosive child is now a more settled uni student with a good relationship with his family)

Laska2Meryls · 02/04/2022 11:54

Merryhoues, yes me too! I remember when I was trying to learn chart plotting for sailing .. I just couldn't get it quite right in the class and my face leaked also. The instructor was quite concerned .. I had to explain that it was frustration and thinking that I was going to cry . Not that I was upset

Chouetted · 02/04/2022 12:21

I also have quite a leaky face sometimes. I just get on with life regardless, but it irks me when people make a big fuss out of it, and I see some of them are on this thread. Our physiological reactions are not about you.

housemaus · 02/04/2022 12:24

@cremeeggsonboxingday

Wow, I could have written all of this, including about the blushing. I can't tell you how good it feels to see someone else is the same (sorry!). I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD, so I'm not sure if that's related. I have considered some sort of therapy but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Interesting, as I have ADHD and am also a massive crier - it's almost a reflex. I can't even sing along to a sad-ish song (that I don't even relate to personally) without feeling like I'm going to cry, but it would be the same for like, a happy/joyful song. Or my DH saying something extra nice to me. Or my mum telling me she loves me on the phone. Or a sad TV show. Or England winning a Euros game even though I'm not that arsed about football. It's like my body is HYPERTUNED to any kind of emotion whatsoever and my only response is to cry.

It's exhausting! The best response I've ever had was a one-on-one coaching thing for work - it was an amazing, in-depth session and I (predictably) cried at one point, and I said "This happens, please ignore it" and this excellent man did exactly that. Just acted like it wasn't happening. Most people panic and worrying and fussing, he just breezed through it and it was so much easier to stop because of it - if someone draws attention or asks if I'm okay, I will invariably end up worse haha!

DrManhattan · 02/04/2022 12:26

I would probably avoid someone who cried alot. Not because of them but because I would probably be massively out of my depth when they started to get upset and not know what to say.

Original poster
DrTeddyAltman · 02/04/2022 13:17

As much as it sounds like I cry incessantly, it's not like that. It's in certain situations that I full on cry, but most of the time the only person it affects is me because I'm trying to quash the feelings.
This thread has allowed me to reflect on the issue and work out ways to sort it so thank you all.
Interestingly, and not to drip feed, but my NHS notes show something along the lines of an ADHD diagnosis at 2.5 years but I've never paid much attention to it as it was never really followed up and how robust can a diagnosis like that be at 2.5? Maybe I'll explore that with the GP too.
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice, I really appreciate your time.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrTeddyAltman · 02/04/2022 13:19

Sorry Baskin, I definitely misread your tone. Apologies, thank you for your concern.

OP posts:
LittleSnakes · 03/04/2022 07:26

It is interesting that it’s mostly in relation to seniors at work and not so much at home. I wonder if it’s to do with feeling overwhelmed by situations and your body cries in response. When you cry, what is the emotion behind it? Not sadness clearly but something else?

Kfjsjdbd · 03/04/2022 08:19

I’m like this, I wish there was an answer.

I hate crying at work because for me I cry very easily and it’s not an indication of things being really wrong, but people seem to take it that way.

Would love if someone could find an answer!

OutlookStalking · 03/04/2022 08:40

Kfsjbdb gosh it must be a pain at work :( what have you tried? Would it be worth looking at cbt/counselling?

Brunosaiditlookslikerain · 03/04/2022 11:42

@littlesnakes I think you're right, for me anyway, it's not all the time or for any sustained length of time and it's just when I get a rush of emotion. For me it's gratitude, pride, frustration etc rather than feeling sad particularly. It's just for that moment before logic kicks in and I can take control it feels momentarily overwhelming. I get a grip quickly but for those few seconds it's an almost uncontrollable reaction. I had counselling and the counsellor thought that it was overspill from dealing with a lot and getting on with it and it sometimes comes out by crying. The pp who said they say 'this happens, please ignore it' I think that's a good way to handle it. I don't think it will be forever, for me it's a sign I'm not completely in balance right now. OP I also used to uncontrollably blush as a teenager.

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