To think that people think less of me for being a crier.

[DrTeddyAltman]

I cry at everything.
It's got less as I've got older and definitely reduced at work as I've grown in confidence in a relatively new role but there's times when I'm literally on the verge of tears all the time.
If someone ever asks if I'm OK, like a genuine 'How are you?' that's it, I'm off.
I used to cry at having to speak to more senior staff or to ask for anything like time off for medical appointments etc but now im more comfortable that happens less. I cry at giving people bad news or when I have to tell them I haven't/can't do something.
I cry (or almost) when I need to speak formally to people, like DCs teacher at parents evening or the doctor.
I also cry through pride, so practically anytime I watch my DC do a show, play a sport etc.
I cry at anyone performing, doing something to impress other people.
I just don't know how to stop it. It's embarrassing, makes me feel inferior and I'm sure people think less of me for it.
Can anyone please help me stop?!

That sounds as if it must be exhausting for you to have such an emotional reaction to everything. What strategies have you tried so far to control it? Have you spoken to anyone professional (GP, counsellor) to try to get to the bottom of what’s causing it?

My daughter is a crier, so I’m interested to hear if you get any advice. She’s 14 now, and still seems to cry daily at school, but her teachers and fellow pupils know her so well there is plenty of support and understanding, so I don’t think she feels bad about it per se. The school have worked tirelessly with her to build up resilience, but it just doesn’t seem to be the answer.

I’m sorry, it must be incredibly difficult - i think I probably cry more easily than others, but not in all situations you describe.

When people ask how are you, or if you're ok, is it because you're not OK? Sending a big hug.

I'm the same. Parents'evening is a nightmare because one of the things that sets me off is saying something nice, so every time I tell a parent their child is doing well/polite/kind etc, my eyes fill. It's getting worse as I get older. I watched the Pottery thing on TV for the first time this year and was pleased to see the judge was the same, crying at everything. I do hate it though, I look quite pathetic.

This reminded me of the ‘Sistine Screamer’ thread they too felt emotions strongly
In all seriousness though has anyone ever given you ‘feedback’ on the crying particular at work? Do you manage others?

I manage a group of managers- if one of them was crying when they had to give feedback to one of their team I wouldn’t be happy with it but I would work with them on building resilience in work.

Some people are more sensitive than others, and that's OK. Providing you're not making a huge drama out of it or centring yourself all the time (e.g. People who wail the loudest at the funeral of someone they barely know) then just excuse yourself and get yourself settled. If I had an email from someone explaining they had very emotional reactions to things and it wasn't aimed at me personally, and that they were OK, I'd feel nothing but sympathy for that person. At least your colleagues know you care if something goes wrong!

I'm like this too. I think there's worse personality traits to have. It's ok to feel emotional. When I'm feeling amazing that shines through too. I've got a lot on my plate and if people want to judge that's their issue.

Are you seeking help for this? Is it anxiety or a pressure you were raised with?

If one of my team behaved like this, honestly yes it would be a problem and you more than likely would get overlooked.

And socially I wouldn't be able to handle this.

I think the big question you need to answer before anyone can help you is: What have you already tried. If you've tried counseling, what kind?

Next question: do you suffer from any mental health issues or medical conditions and are you taking any medications that could be playing about with, say, dopamine levels?

Last questions: do you have any inkling what this could be linked to and when did it start? Does anything make it worse or better? Was there a time when it didn't bother you? What do you actually feel when you're crying? Which bothers you more, the social anxiety linked with the tears or the feelings that give rise to the tears, if any.

Crikey, that sounds horrendous for you. ❤️
I personally think that if you cry a lot its a bit like the boy who cried wolf, people stop taking any notice, this is only based on my experience of working with someone who was always in tears.
The first few times she cried I was concerned but after a while I became immune to it.
Tbh your post has given me a rethink in my attitude as I've never thought about how it affects the cryer.
I, otoh, never cry and have never cried in public, got myself a bit of a reputation as a psychopath 🙄 as I never show emotions, it's just the way I am.
I'd rather be a bit more like you, someone who shows their feelings than being seen as a stone cold, heartless, psycho.
💐For you

Thanks for the replies.

To cover a few points:
Sometimes the fear of crying is worse. So if I'm worrying I'm going to cry, it builds and builds and then once I've cried I'm done and can carry on without anymore.
I don't manage anyone and when I refer to bad news, I more meant saying I can't do something or inconveniencing the person I'm telling, like 'sorry, I'm unwell so cant come in' or that they're going to feel disappointed in me because I haven't done something.
It is exhausting! I feel like I'm often suppressing a lump in my throat. When I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine and it's no trouble but when I'm feeling wobbly, it's a nightmare. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve. Like a PP said people know when I'm happy too.
I haven't been to the GP or seen anyone. I've been like this for years, as long as I can remember. When I was younger I used to blush very easily too. Also helpful as a teen!
I worry that a GP will just send me off with some antidepressants and I'm not sure that's the answer. Plus I know I'll have to go through the drama of wailing at the doctor.

Oh and I don't make a big drama out of it, like my friends probably wouldn't even say they'd noticed. They know I cry at shows etc but they don't know all the other parts of it like the doctors etc and I'm always comfortable with them so it's never really an issue socially.

I think I would see someone. You can self refer for cbt which might be of some help?

This sounds quite extreme and I realise its become your "normal" but your kids wont want you crying every time you talk to their teacher etc.

Is it extreme anxiety? Or fear of authority? Or fear of criticism? I really do think there would be counselling help outthere for this.

It must be horrible for you 💐. I really hope you can access some help after all this time.

Do you cry on your own or just ok interactions with people? Is it something about interacting and managing other people’s emotions/expectations that makes you cry?

You day it is easier when you're more confident? Is it a lack of confidence? A social anxiety?
Do you not cry around your friends because you are confortable with them?

What job do you do? Is it really not a problem you cry when you talk to people at work?

Christ, poor you - how exhausting.

But I'm not reading your description as you being someone who is simply over-emotional or dramatic, it sounds clinical to me - i.e it's a physical response that you have no control over, like an extreme form of blushing. So talk of "building resilience" is pointless.

I once had an adrenaline reaction to dental anaesthetic and that made me cry uncontrollably for no reason. In the situations you describe your body is producing an excess of something, surely?

Worth a chat with a GP perhaps, to see if it's some sort of condition? Just say at the start that you're going to cry!

In solidarity though, I once managed a woman who was being horribly bullied by our senior manager (mine and hers, I was her line manager). She was so broken and I was so angry for her distress that I found myself crying in sympathy when I had to virtually drag her back to her desk after she had period off work with stress and had her HR interview. Embarrassing (and no help at all to her) but she was grateful that I cared.

In terms of DCs teachers, I can quite often just disguise it. When they say nice things and I can feel myself welling up, I look away or do everything I can to stop myself right on the edge. I know my DCs won't want me doing it but it's not like I choose to.
I've been trying to think of an analogy for how it doesn't affect my work and this is the best I can think of without outing myself too much: it's like I'm a nurse. I have never cried in front of patients and or their families. It's talking to ward managers or whatever they are, in private that I'd cry. Fellow nurses or colleagues that I'm comfortable around I'd be fine (unless they ask if I'm ok!), it's the seniority I think.
A pp mentioned, I wonder if it's the feeling of needing to manage others emotions.
It's also when people help me and I'm grateful- someone went out of their way to help me this week and I really wanted to thank them, but doing so made me feel really emotional. You guys all taking your time to reply to me and give me advice is making me well up. I dunno, it's odd.
Never on my own for no reason though, if that makes sense?

Have you ever visited the Sistine chapel?

I'm a crier and I hate it.. Don't mind so much if its over something actually sad but when it's through pride or just retelling an old story I feel my eyes well up then end up trying not to blink!

I remember I had an interview where I was offered the job there and then and my eyes welled up. The interviewer said to me 'are you crying' I said nope just really happy and brushed it off as it was an exhausting day!

Gosh that's hard. I come from a family of happy sobbers. Am one myself. But since I've had kids I literally cannot be in the same room as a wailer. I'm not sure if that differentiation means anything to anyone else. Happily kids are all teens now.

(((DrTeddyAltman))) (btw my daughter and I have binged Greys and are nearly caught up!!!)

So if you're comfortable you're okay. But not comfortable would be seniority or regulating emotion perhaps?

You can access some counselling (6-8) qeeks free through iapt (has different names in different areas) without going through a GP.

I really think it would be worth getting some help. Some work around boundaries and emotions and confidence and anxiety? It could make a huge difference x

Isn't crying supposed to be the body's way of dealing with pent up emotions? There's a difference between the chemical makeup of emotion tears and the tears induced through cutting onions, for e.g. So it sounds as if some therapy might help you to find different ways to process your emotions.
My daughter (diagnosed with ASD) cries uncontrollably in moments of stress or overwhelm, so I can empathise with how difficult this must make things for you.
Xx

@AskingforaBaskin

Are you seeking help for this? Is it anxiety or a pressure you were raised with?

If one of my team behaved like this, honestly yes it would be a problem and you more than likely would get overlooked.

And socially I wouldn't be able to handle this.

That says more about you than it does the OP, I'm afraid.

Someone shouldn't need a label or a diagnosis to be accepted socially with all their quirks.

You think this level of emotion is normal? Or even nice to live with?

I wouldn't want to handle this professionally it's not my responsibility.
And socially it could be emotionally draining.

Same here @SignOnTheWindow - I rage cry with my ASD, it's a coping mechanism I've developed to avoid punching someone (which I did as a child).