Toddler tantrums at the supermarket

[MooseBreath]

Hi all. I've recently been the "victim" of my 22-month-old throwing a stream of tantrums in the supermarket. It has now happened 3 times in the past 2 months.

I am dealing with it by speaking calmly, telling DS we do not behave like that, and trying to either hold DS or keep him safe in the seat of the trolley. Luckily today, my mom was with me and so I warned DS that if he carried on, he would be removed from the shop (and when he continued being a terror, my mom took him out while I finished the groceries).

Am I dealing with this correctly? As much as I'd love to just leave the shop whenever he kicks off, we do need food in our house to survive, and I don't have anyone to watch DS while I shop. What else can I do?

online delivery?

I start out compassionately - asking DS what the matter is, offering a cuddle etc.

If he’s still going then I go for distraction - pointing things out, chatting to him, passing him items to “help” put in the trolley.

Beyond that I move to more or less ignoring it - a bit of reassurance but just cracking on with the shop.

I used to get embarrassed but now I’m over that. Everyone has seen kids doing it before. I usually get a few sympathetic smiles or comments.

I second the online delivery.

My Daughter has just turned 2 and while she understands "no" etc and speaks very well, I don't think she would completely understand that there will be consequences if she doesn't stop playing up.

Also telling him that he will be removed from the shop - he probably doesn't fully understand and also probably doesn't care.

I gave up shopping in person when my first was 6 months old. Love my online deliveries! Life changing!

Online deliveries here are rubbish for fresh food! The Use By dates tend to all be the next day and the fruit and vegetables are bruised and a bit shit, which is why I have been shopping in person. I can't make milk last a full week if it goes off within 48 hours.

I was in tesco the other day and a young child was having a proper mad tantrum about something. The mum just seemed to serenely keep going, holding his hand, and continue her shopping. I have no idea how she did it! I used to wait until dh came home and go to the supermarket by myself to do it in peace!

you can freeze milk....no need to run out

I'd try and pinpoint what it is that sets him off and work to change that.

Is it the supermarket specifically or does he tantrum generally?

I'd pay attention to the time of day (is he hungry/tired). Is he bored? Anxious? Has there been a misunderstanding along the way (maybe he thinks he's getting something that he isn't or something is for now instead of later etc).

I'd also talk to him beforehand about what will happen and what will be expected of him behaviour wise.

I can't make milk last a full week if it goes off within 48 hours.

You may need a new fridge.

Sometimes I used to take my DS out of the trolley, place him on the floor on the aisle and watch him expectantly. I would tell him that when he was quite finished we could move on, have a cuddle and go about our day but that we had to continue shopping and he couldn't have x/y/z regardless. I was the one standing serenely 🤣 inside very fearful of how others were viewing me but I have always gone by the idea that a tiny dictator will not rule my life. If we need to shop, we gotta shop!

That said neither of mine had the worst kind of tantrums you see. They never really did the floor banging and they never ran off. That is not because of my parenting, I'm sure, just pure luck. If they had been bolters or head bangers I probably wouldn't have been able to deal with it how I did.

I follow some people on insta who say something like 'ok and name the feeling but hold the boundary'. So like 'I know you'd like to eat that apple now and it's making you feel cross, but we have to pay for it first'.

I also follow their advice of saying 'i won't let you do x,y,z' rather than 'you mustn't' or 'don't' as apparently it takes the responsibility off them 🤷 sounds mumbo jumbo BUT I've had success following their general ideas. Think they are two ladies called big little feelings or something

Ohhh OP I think we have all been there. I’ve got a 21 month old and the meltdowns are quite something these days!

I remind myself that toddler emotions are real, big and run close to the surface. If DS melts down, I tend to go for “I can see/hear that you are not happy/feeling frustrated/don’t want to do that……but we need to finish our shopping and then we can go outside which will make you feel better”. So a combination of acknowledging his feelings, but also just carrying on because we need food. He does seem to ‘get it’ - or at least appreciates having his feelings acknowledged. They’re always trying to tell us something with behaviour, they’re not doing it to piss us off or make our lives harder. As much as it can feel that way. I have to remind myself of this constantly. And please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed: it is normal toddler behaviour and part of their development. They are experiencing emotions! They are developing preferences! They are communicating! Most people with kids will probably just offer a smile.

Anyway OP, you’re probably aware of everything I’ve said but it can’t hurt to add another supportive voice :)

Cross-post with @GraciousPiglet - exactly that: ‘acknowledge the feeling or emotion; hold the boundary’

It sounds a bit soft but for me it totally works.

DdD2 used to tantrum in the supermarket regularly. In fact she used to tantrum everywhere, several times a day. She became known in the family as the 'purple minion'.

I tried everything under the sun and eventually resorted to picking her up and holding her under one arm whilst I carried on doing what I needed to do.

She's still quite the drama queen. DdD1 is as cool as a cucumber and always has been.

What @NuffSaidSam said.

Also keep it short, even if you have to go more often. It’s better to go a few times successfully than have a tantrum every time and he’ll be expecting to ‘fail’.

Give him a ‘list’ with pictures and get him helping looking for things. You can make it into a fun activity if he’s fed and not tired, but again only if you can keep it short. “What a lovely helpful boy etc etc”

Why does your milk only last 48 hours?

Try a different online supermarket?

I remember DD being an absolute pig about going in the trolley seat. Either going rigid or what we called “prawning” ie going limp and screaming as if being murdered. And I would have to kind of funnel her in, you’d finally get one leg in and about to get the second leg in and the first one was out again. It was awful but I can laugh now.

Anyway once I was holding my ground re “you will get in the trolley” with a prawning, screeching child and a lady came up. I thought oh here we go and she actually said “well done for staying firm” and I’ve never forgotten that and DD is 7 now.

Click and collect? Tbh milk lasting 48 hours doesn’t add up? I’ve never had that happen and I’ve tried all online supermarkets? Maybe do most of your shop online then you only need to go to the shop for fresh products? Makes it much easier/quicker than doing a full weekly shop

I've got a 22 month old too and the same problem so I've avoided going as much as I can as I absolutely dreaded shopping with him. We recently had our first ever decent shopping trip where he didn't do this and I went prepared. We went at a different time of day (early in the morning rather than later on) took a bag of books, toys and snacks. I read to him whilst walking round and it worked. It was the first time ever this had happened. I mean, It might not ever happen again. It was a small victory... worth a try!

Oh the tantrums! My son really went for it on one occasion because I wouldn't buy Peppa pig yogurts. Happy days.

He always used to cry at the till too when I was unloading - I think he thought I was giving it all back.

We've all been there op. I try to sympathise 'yes they do look yummy don't they but we haven't got enough money today, what a shame. Shall we go to the park after the shop?'

Distraction and getting him to 'help' by holding stuff used to work too.

Good luck op - it passes.

Would be a sensory overload, bright lights, noise, usually hot uncomfortable seat just too many things at once ? It's a tough age I was a great believer at first thing in morning and bringing an endless bag of tricks to keep up the distraction. As they got older I started to tantrum back at them generally got a giggle and broke the cycle. Most people around are saying it's not me today 😂

Milk only lasts 48 hours based on the date! I sniff test it past then, but it's a bit sketchy if I can't tell definitively.

I suppose more frequent, shorter trips could work.

The tantrums aren't about not buying something. It's that he doesn't want to sit in the trolley, but if I let him walk and push the trolley with me, he dashes off and goes to pull things off shelves (which is obviously unacceptable). He's also a nightmare about sitting in a pushchair.

Tantrums happen at home as well. We typically get around 2 standard ones per day of just screeching and inconsolable crying, and a big one where he throws himself about per week.

In terms of milk you need to change supermarkets or check the dates better. The date is much longer than 2 days on all the milk I buy.

I remember clearly my daughter doing this in a pushchair . I tried the reasoning bit . Then put down my basket walked outside , turned her away from me so she could not see me and let her get on with it without speaking . She suddenly realised no one was taking any notice and stopped .

Did that a couple of times and then it worked no more tantrums.

I am sure I was just lucky though .

OP, just a suggestion, but maybe click and collect is the way to go?

I had similar issues to you with online delivery, in that some items might be close to use by dates or not in optimal condition.

I get click and collect at Sainsbury's, and you can reject any product you don't like the look of, not just substitutions. ( I imagine most other supermarkets have a similar policy).

This means that I can go to the local Sainsbury's, and they will give me my online shop in my chosen time slot, but if I spot extremely wilted herbs or a bizarre substitution, I can reject those items (and they are refunded from my online shop) . I then go quickly into the real store to get a more suitable replacement or fresher option.

I used to give my youngest the iPad to watch his favourite (Peppa Pig) while sitting in the trolley. He had little headphones as well. His screams in particular could shatter glass. I’d also go straight in and let him choose a treat and let him eat it while we went round before I’d paid for it (oh the horror). One of my older ones used to love gnawing the end of a baguette (I’d cut the end off when we got home).

Anything to get them to sit still in the trolley and be quiet! I had learnt that after having twins who used to attack each other in the trolley and try to jump out from all directions and grab things when they weren’t screaming. That was before online shopping as well.

Funnily enough now they’re older they can walk around Tesco’s perfectly fine, don’t steal stuff or try to snatch baguettes to gnaw on .

@Latecomer131 Ooh that is brilliant! I will give that a go.

Thank you to everyone for the tantrum support. It is so stressful!