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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end things?

56 replies

Kione · 01/04/2022 14:24

So you were all right of course...

I think I wrote my previous post on the 30 day max I think because I can't find it.

I don't want to drip feed but want to keep it short. I separated last year and a few months later started seeing a work colleague. All was great we talked about the future, he was very attentive; but he did some strange things, like leaving my house at midnight because he had to do a washing, I have proof that he wasn't seeing anyone else, we discussed here in previous chat ADHD and/or being in the spectrum, as he has diagnosed dyspraxia and being in a relationship with someone like that, you all gave good advice so I had my red flag scanner up.

He went home to visit family on Wednesday and after going out with friends and not talking all day yesterday, phone died (that's fine); he tells me he is going on a second break within the break, out of the country this time, still will be back on planned day. This is not so odd as he has an obsession with always looking at cheap flights and having a break. I also understand that.

But when I said to him that this sudden trip was a bit odd and made me a bit anxious, he replied:
"There's not a lot I can do about that I'm afraid xx"
I put a shocked emoji because is not at all something he would say usually; and he said:
"What am I supposed to say? xx"

Kisses are a habit. I asked him for a facetime call and said I was not going to bollock him (never have done), just chat, and he totally ignored me for the rest of the day. Conversation happened at around 9.30 am.

So it is not the trip per se, but his reply that really hurt. He is usually kind, helpful, sociable etc. except when he gets worried or stressed where he goes in his own world, he usually later apologizes calling it "flapping"
"sorry I was flapping a bit before, I am better now" etc.

I am just really sad and heart broken because I love him but I can see clearly that I can be with someone like this. And of course have the nagging thought of him being seeing someone else.

Wise thoughts please...

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 01/04/2022 14:28

Well, he's right - he can't manage someone else's anxieties for them. Unfortunately it does sound kind your anxieties are getting the better of you and it's affecting your relationship with someone who likes to be a bit independent and spontaneous.

It's a clash of personalities I think, not necessarily anyone being out of order.

FetchezLaVache · 01/04/2022 14:31

I don't see why you would have a problem with somebody you've been seeing for a short time going on a break within a break, which won't affect you in any way whatsoever; why did it make you feel anxious?

How did you hope he'd respond - by cancelling the trip?

It sounds like you're just not compatible and for both your sakes you should possibly end it.

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:31

I am not usually anxious, it's his constant change of plans... I think if he had explained the decision a bit more, and have a chat it would have helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:32

Ok, maybe I would have liked to have gad a bit more information.
I was totally not expecting him to cancel the trip. Just explain it a bit more.

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 01/04/2022 14:35

But he's entitled to be spontaneous - he doesn't need your permission to do things.

Would you have been trying to change his mind? All you'd achieve is to upset him and seem very needy or controlling..... Which is not what you think you are doing.

What is it that upsets you? In all seriousness, do you think your anxieties need some 3rd party support?

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:36

I am aware that giving context is difficult in Mumsnet, but he has talked like that to me.

But yeah, there is a possibility that my message suffocated him? I didn't think it was too bad. I was trying to be honest.

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 14:37

It does sound as if you're just not compatible. Maybe if you hadn't used the word 'odd' he may have been more open to discussing it as it does sound as if you were accusing him of being up to something.

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:38

@SilverHairedCat

But he's entitled to be spontaneous - he doesn't need your permission to do things.

Would you have been trying to change his mind? All you'd achieve is to upset him and seem very needy or controlling..... Which is not what you think you are doing.

What is it that upsets you? In all seriousness, do you think your anxieties need some 3rd party support?

It's the reply that has hurt me. Not the fact that he booked the trip.

It's very unlike him.
It's insecurity rather than anxiety I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:38

@Vapeyvapevape

It does sound as if you're just not compatible. Maybe if you hadn't used the word 'odd' he may have been more open to discussing it as it does sound as if you were accusing him of being up to something.
That's very helpful. Thanks.
OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 14:40

Can you talk to him and explain what you meant?

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:42

@Vapeyvapevape

Can you talk to him and explain what you meant?
I asked for a call or FaceTime but he ignored my messages, only asked because I imagined he was in bed hungover and didn't want to ve pushy
OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2022 14:43

I’d love to know what “proof” you have that there’s nobody else because I’d 100% say a lot of what you’ve posted points to there being someone’s else.

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:44

@BitOutOfPractice

I’d love to know what “proof” you have that there’s nobody else because I’d 100% say a lot of what you’ve posted points to there being someone’s else.
He shares a house with my friend and she confirmed he was home
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:45

Well she saw the car, maybe he got a taxi after driving there, but they are round the corner so seems a bit far fetched

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:47

He's also gone off sex lately Sad

OP posts:
mnetting · 01/04/2022 14:48

This isn't making you happy is it?

StripeyDeckchair · 01/04/2022 14:49

You can end a relationship at any time for any or no specific reason.

If it doesn't work for you, you feel uncomfortable with aspects of you partners behaviour then its OK to end it.

Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 14:49

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult Op . Once you're into questioning where someone is or what they're doing and why , you're on a bit of a slippery slope to unhappiness.

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:51

I know but it breaks my heart, I really love him.

No, for the last few weeks I have not been happy with the changes.

At the start when the focus was me it was great, now it's like he doesn't "see" me, and although I understand the honeymoon period ends, it has been quite abrupt and a big difference

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:52

@Vapeyvapevape

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult Op . Once you're into questioning where someone is or what they're doing and why , you're on a bit of a slippery slope to unhappiness.
Yep. I know, this is why I am so sad I think. It wasn't difficult at all until a few weeks ago.
OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 14:55

Do yourself a favour and end it, you'll be sad at first but if this is how you feel now, I don't think these feelings will leave you all the while you're with him.

Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 14:58
Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 01/04/2022 15:15

He just texted to say he just got to the airport and that I "of course haven't annoyed him"

Why am I getting so worked up. I don't understand what I am feeling.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 01/04/2022 15:28

You're not compatible and I personally think asking him for explanations when he's going away would do most blokes heads in - let alone women!

I would end it.

Gonnagetgoing · 01/04/2022 15:29

How do you mean it wasn't difficult at all until a few weeks ago? What changed then? Did you feel more insecure or did he change?

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