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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end things?

56 replies

Kione · 01/04/2022 14:24

So you were all right of course...

I think I wrote my previous post on the 30 day max I think because I can't find it.

I don't want to drip feed but want to keep it short. I separated last year and a few months later started seeing a work colleague. All was great we talked about the future, he was very attentive; but he did some strange things, like leaving my house at midnight because he had to do a washing, I have proof that he wasn't seeing anyone else, we discussed here in previous chat ADHD and/or being in the spectrum, as he has diagnosed dyspraxia and being in a relationship with someone like that, you all gave good advice so I had my red flag scanner up.

He went home to visit family on Wednesday and after going out with friends and not talking all day yesterday, phone died (that's fine); he tells me he is going on a second break within the break, out of the country this time, still will be back on planned day. This is not so odd as he has an obsession with always looking at cheap flights and having a break. I also understand that.

But when I said to him that this sudden trip was a bit odd and made me a bit anxious, he replied:
"There's not a lot I can do about that I'm afraid xx"
I put a shocked emoji because is not at all something he would say usually; and he said:
"What am I supposed to say? xx"

Kisses are a habit. I asked him for a facetime call and said I was not going to bollock him (never have done), just chat, and he totally ignored me for the rest of the day. Conversation happened at around 9.30 am.

So it is not the trip per se, but his reply that really hurt. He is usually kind, helpful, sociable etc. except when he gets worried or stressed where he goes in his own world, he usually later apologizes calling it "flapping"
"sorry I was flapping a bit before, I am better now" etc.

I am just really sad and heart broken because I love him but I can see clearly that I can be with someone like this. And of course have the nagging thought of him being seeing someone else.

Wise thoughts please...

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 15:37

@Gonnagetgoing

How do you mean it wasn't difficult at all until a few weeks ago? What changed then? Did you feel more insecure or did he change?

Both. He gets like "vision tunnel" with things, at the start when it was me it was great, always wanted to be with me and planning and doing things, then his focus kind of changed into going to the gym and doing other things which is fine, but it was really abrupt. It felt like he wasn't so interested in me. I sound really needy but I am not, it's hard to explain. I bought a house, first time ever and he was totally focused in booking a flight to go away, he got tickets for the same day I was getting the keys. Again fine, but he really could go any other weekend. As it happens the storm canceled his plan so he didn't go, and he was really "out of sorts" as he puts it, and things have been different since then. He has been coming to the new house etc. but he doesn't talk about plans or us so much.

Maybe it's totally me, I will accept that, but if that's the case I will like to not be like this.

OP posts:

Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 15:48

Look at how this relationship is making you feel, it really really shouldn't be like this Op.

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 15:52

I know.
I am thinking if it's me all relationships will make me feel like this?

But previous ones haven't.

OP posts:

Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 16:02

In that case it's him not you.

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:07

Thank you. I think previous posters are right saying it's the clashing personalities.

And people do change, but I thought I had become strong and confident after the separation. I don't know.

It's great to be able to talk here, I am so so sad.

OP posts:

Lougle · 01/04/2022 16:09

Is it his spontaneity that you find hard, or the fact that he doesn't include you in it? Would you have been ok if he said 'oh I've just seen a flight to Spain for €9.99. I think I'll see about going out there for 3 days at the end of my trip.', would that have been ok?

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:13

He usually asks me, in fact he asked me to go to Wales but I couldn't.

He didn't ask if I could join him again, but I understand that.

Maybe he is getting bored because I can join in his sudden adventures, but I have two kids. He has always said he understands tho.

And yes, if he had said it as you put it it would have been easier. But his reply is what really upset me.

OP posts:

springtimeishereagain · 01/04/2022 16:14

But you're not with him, it doesn't affect you - why feel anxious?

There's nothing he can do to help you with that, he's right.

Maybe you're just not suited? It's quite a new relationship for all this angst...

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:15

@springtimeishereagain

But you're not with him, it doesn't affect you - why feel anxious?

There's nothing he can do to help you with that, he's right.

Maybe you're just not suited? It's quite a new relationship for all this angst...

Yeah, I agree. I don't know why it makes me anxious. I think if his phone gad not died yesterday and we had chatted a bit more I would not feel this bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:18

He also texted an hour ago to say he was in the airport and said "give me a minute" for a call.

He's been on FB and still no call. No offline again. I really hate being like this! But is it not a bit odd?

OP posts:

springtimeishereagain · 01/04/2022 16:18

You need to think about why it makes you anxious then. I don't think his message was at all unkind, either, just honest.

It's probably his change in focus from you to holidays and gym that has made you feel insecure.

All you can do is talk to him, tell him how you feel. You'll know from that how he feels about you and how much effort he will make to change things.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2022 16:20

"I am just really sad and heart broken because I love him "
I don't think you do, @Kione. What you love is the bloke he presented as at the start - "when it was me [he focussed on] it was great, always wanted to be with me and planning and doing things, then his focus kind of changed into going to the gym and doing other things which is fine, but it was really abrupt. It felt like he wasn't so interested in me."

Sorry, but I think you need to give yourself a shake here. You love the person you thought he was. He wasn't that man then, he's not that man now, and he never will be that man.

This relationship is going nowhere. I think you should be kind to yourself and end it.

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:22

Thank you.

I did tell him that after the first holiday he booked when I was getting my house key. He was a bit defensive, I don't think he understood but we did patch that one up. Things were never as before again though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:23

@WhereYouLeftIt

"I am just really sad and heart broken because I love him " I don't think you do, *@Kione*. What you love is the bloke he presented as at the start - "when it was me [he focussed on] it was great, always wanted to be with me and planning and doing things, then his focus kind of changed into going to the gym and doing other things which is fine, but it was really abrupt. It felt like he wasn't so interested in me."

Sorry, but I think you need to give yourself a shake here. You love the person you thought he was. He wasn't that man then, he's not that man now, and he never will be that man.

This relationship is going nowhere. I think you should be kind to yourself and end it.

I have thought this too.

Almost love bombed me and once I was in, he lost interest.

It bloody hurts.

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 01/04/2022 16:30

I think personally to sum it up - you shouldn't be and he shouldn't be making you feel so so sad about things! A relationship isn't meant to look like this ever!

I do think he's probably a bit different re his dyspraxia etc but it shouldn't be like this, him going away after you've got the keys for your new house. And you have two kids in the mix you've got to consider too.

I mean life isn't all happiness with my boyfriend but if I was sad, didn't feel happy when I was with him then I'd think about ending things.

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:33

Specially when I have come out of a very stale and wrong marriage. I know.

OP posts:

Lougle · 01/04/2022 16:43

I think you're just in different places. You have children, a marriage break up. He is single, effectively. He isn't tied down and it isn't his responsibility to make you feel secure.

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 16:45

He always claimed he wanted to be with me tho. It was him always talking about long term plans, even marriage!

OP posts:

Vapeyvapevape · 01/04/2022 16:58

If you met him last year then imo it's way too soon to be talking about marriage.
He just isn't right for you, you met him a few months after ending a marriage, it's always said on MN , but I think you need to spend time as a single person, maybe have some counselling to sort your head out, go out and enjoy yourself. You WILL get over him.

PlayerOne · 01/04/2022 17:06

I completely empathise with you on this and have been with someone similar before. The blowing hot and suddenly cold just messes with your head and turns a perfectly sane, rational person into an insecure mess.
Have a chat when he gets back, check if you are both on the same page with regards to the relationship.

MakeThingsRight · 01/04/2022 17:08

It's not working, you should be wanting to be with each other every second after a few months.

This is making you miserable. Only you can fix that, as it doesn't seem he has the balls to - by ending it.

Is this the bloke you posted about who was going to stay the night but had to get home to put the washing on?

You can string it out until he eventually leaves and ghosts you, or you can take some control. Know it isn't right and that you and your children deserve happiness.

Hope it works out for the best for you.

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 17:16

@Kione

He also texted an hour ago to say he was in the airport and said "give me a minute" for a call.

He's been on FB and still no call. No offline again. I really hate being like this! But is it not a bit odd?

Still have not heard from him. He said "of course you haven't annoyed me love" and "give me a minute" for a call two hours ago. I imagine he is on the plane now. We always text like "I am boarding", "having a bite" whatever. It is very strange. I need to be strong when he gets back and not run to his arms again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kione · 01/04/2022 17:17

"Is this the bloke you posted about who was going to stay the night but had to get home to put the washing on?"

Yep.

OP posts:

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 01/04/2022 17:54

going on what you have written(dont know your last posts) he sounds very asd and quite frankly their brains are wired differently and its very hard for us to understand their reasoning

what seems important ,offensive or upsetting to you doesn't seem to him

hes looking after his emotional needs and a lot of asd people dont have the brain space to think or accept your feelings or under stand your feelings, read into things or read between the lines

im talking about experiencing asd since 1999 and for the rest of my life.
first with with a very loving asd partner(ex since 2020)of 22 years.

then 2 sons 17,11 with asd(and many more) as well and not one of them care about upsetting you or understanding why your upset or care about other peoples feelings or emotions they do whats in their head at the time and whats best for them.

my ex left us for my best friend out of the blue overnight in 2020,they are now getting married in june and a baby due end of june

to this day he dont understand why im still so angry and upset about his behaviour(she certainly does)and i now need to get over it and move on, not worry about the severe double betrayal i had(literally had no idea and it turned my world upside down)
he just dont "get" how outrageous and how much betrayal he caused

22 years we were together and he was always loving and a good boyfriend till he did what he did
but boy my eyes opened to how hard work he was emotional after he went

google dyspraxia is has its own mental issues as well(both of mine has it)
it seems in a short space of time you might be expecting to much

GabriellaMontez · 01/04/2022 18:04

I think he sounds odd and uncommunicative. Do you really need this?

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