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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your partner told you that if you went to a party: stag/ hen , your relationship would be over

80 replies

madebyjill · 01/04/2022 12:18

How would you react?
Following on from recent threads I am interested to know thoughts of either male of female posters .
What would you think if your partner said that if you went to an important event, a friend or family celebration , the relationship would be over or at best, there would be shouting and screaming and physical aggression?
The partner has no issue with the hosts personally, but one of the partners wants to spend all time together on their own as a couple because they only see each other every weekend( for the full weekend) and a couple of evenings per week due to distance.

OP posts:
Orangesox · 01/04/2022 14:40

My first thought would be has he had a stroke or another type of head injury because it would so utterly out of character. If it turned out that he was being a misogynistic bastard trying to control me in such a manner, then he would need to leave, ideally through the second floor window immediately.

We always ask each other if there’s any issue with us going to x, y or z, but that’s only to see if the other is relying on them for something on that date, rather than for their approval to attend IYSWIM

AhNowTed · 01/04/2022 14:44

There's something wrong with her and pandering or pussyfooting around her won't help.

He needs to leave.

Derbee · 01/04/2022 15:00

I’d go to whatever I wanted, and dump the weird controlling arsehole I somehow found myself in a relationship with

Chonfox · 01/04/2022 15:17

I'd run a mile personally. Male or female that's horribly abusive behaviour.

1forAll74 · 01/04/2022 15:23

You don't want, or need to be with people who are controlling a partner in this manner. Nothing good comes out of relationships that are like this. People should be in charge of their own insecurities and bad moods and nastiness, and try and fix themselves into being normal.

maddening · 01/04/2022 15:38

Have they got a good reason I'm your hypothetical demand situation? Am I taking the last of the money leaving a partner and children without food and short on the rent? Have they just discovered that I quit my job? Have they had a baby in the last 3 days via Cs and are struggling? Are.we trying to mend the relationship after previous infidelity? Am I leaving a disabled partner to deal with SEN triplets and no respite? Are they working away already and there is no childcare? Do they have a lot on at work and my week long hen party (which is already costing the family £3k and means no family holiday) would mean juggling 5 kids at school and nursery and it is just too much to ask. Have I been in 5 hen parties this year and partner has not been on a holiday in 3 years? Do I never have time for family and is this the demand that has forced the issue?

In general it would be weird and odd for such a demand with no other issues leading to the demand in the first place.

FartSock5000 · 01/04/2022 15:45

Huge red flag!

Textbook abuser behaviour to isolate from friends and family.

This is controlling, coercive behaviour and absolutely unacceptable in a healthy, respectful relationship.

The guise of "our special couple time' is pathetic attempt to guilt the victim.

Don't fall for it. Get away from the abuse.

Neverreturntoathread · 01/04/2022 15:45

Any physical aggression and I would end the relationship instantly. The event is a distraction and the attempts to control socialising is just one instance of abuse, clearly there are others.

balalake · 01/04/2022 16:05

I think it would. Unless there was some good reason explained such as something about the person whose stag or hen do it was. For example, a criminal.

IncompleteSenten · 01/04/2022 16:06

I'd agree with them that the relationship is over.

2bazookas · 01/04/2022 16:08

Partner's threat would be completely right, because I'd end the relationship right away.

There is no future in it.

Stabbitystabstab · 01/04/2022 16:10

"Bye then"
I don't do ultimatums and he is well aware of this

maddening · 01/04/2022 17:00

Sorry, is this an actual situation and is this your relationship?

Alfiemoon1 · 01/04/2022 17:06

It’s controlling abusive behaviour. My dd is sadly in a relationship like this. It started very early on with if you love me you would want to spend all your time with me so she either stopped going out with friends or he always tagged along then came the cheating accusations so now she can’t go out because of that she’s even ended up having to quit her part time job as having to check in with him all the time or the fear of being late home was causing her so much anxiety

The relationship unsure if it’s yours op is unhealthy and needs to end especially as there is also physical violence involved

HedgehogToes · 01/04/2022 17:09

@madebyjill

It is my feeling that the abusive partner is jealous , properly jealous of the relationship that partner has with family and friends as she( she is the abuser) has no relationships with family or friends really.

She is angry and deeply unhappy as a person in any event and I expect she believes that a ' proper ' relationship is about a couple being stuck at the hip.

She has always insisted on this mantra of us against the world and us only. She can't hear of any acceptance to a social invitation and is only happy when both partners are together and on their own.

The trashing furniture and objects belonging to him sounds familiar as is the screaming and shouting.

The male partner is always in fear .

This is no way to love and he deserves better. He needs to end the relationship. And phone the police if she turns up.
HedgehogToes · 01/04/2022 17:11

*no way to live.

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 17:26

My relationship would be over. If my husband at all ever decided that I wasn't allowed to socialise without him, my relationship would be over.

I agree.

No grown adult should be treated like a child and told what they can and can’t do and if someone tries to they are very controlling.

Coyoacan · 01/04/2022 17:33

Apart from the fact that, no matter how much you love someone, it is essential to spend time apart at times and have other friends. It is so classic of an abuser to separate their victims from their social network to make it much easier to abuse them. That is why no-one should ever agree to give up their friends and family to please anyone

mightbealittlebitmad · 01/04/2022 18:16

I wouldn't accept it at all unless there was a genuine reason, maybe finances, he wasn't well and couldn't look after the kids etc..

I feel like my husband hates me going out and despite his protests that he doesn't mind it's one of the reasons I'm leaving. I just can't be arsed anymore to pander to anyone else.

Jonny1265 · 01/04/2022 18:21

Abusive and controlling. It would be over for me.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 02/04/2022 09:10

Wow. I (wrongly) assumed it was a controlling male.

This relationship sounds toxic either way and the abused should finish their relationship with the controlling abuser.

Please forward these comments on to your friend so he can get help.

Much love xxx

Hilites · 02/04/2022 09:42

If my partner ever said to me if you go it’s over, I would reply back with “ promise?” 👍🏻

LuaDipa · 02/04/2022 09:50

I would wholeheartedly agree that the relationship is over.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2022 09:55

Why are they still together?

misskatamari · 02/04/2022 09:57

He needs to leave, and she needs to seek some sort of therapy to address her issues. Such an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

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