If your partner told you that if you went to a party: stag/ hen , your relationship would be over

[madebyjill]

How would you react?
Following on from recent threads I am interested to know thoughts of either male of female posters .
What would you think if your partner said that if you went to an important event, a friend or family celebration , the relationship would be over or at best, there would be shouting and screaming and physical aggression?
The partner has no issue with the hosts personally, but one of the partners wants to spend all time together on their own as a couple because they only see each other every weekend( for the full weekend) and a couple of evenings per week due to distance.

My relationship would be over. If my husband at all ever decided that I wasn't allowed to socialise without him, my relationship would be over.

What would I think? I’d think the person was batshit and controlling and toxic and I’d be ending the relationship faster than you could say ‘it’s not me, it’s you’

I would think they'd lost the plot. My OH would not do that and neither would I! Maybe when you were 17 and insecure and even then, red flags but older and more established relationships; never in a million

My relationship would be over because I wouldn’t put up with anyone bossing me around like that. Clinginess is extremely unattractive.

Yeah I'm going to give you my first LTB.

The insistence that all time is spent together would be enough for me to get the fuck out of that relationship, the threat of leaving you or "at best" being physically violent should make this crystal clear - your partner is abusive.

A partner of mine actually did do this,I lied where I was eventually came clean but I was made to pay for it emotionally ,it was a very toxic relationship that I finally found the strength to leave after I'd moved country to live with him,& he threatened to physically hurt me,I left with a bag & flew home it only took a week for him to get to that level & I'll never let anyone tell me what I can & cannot do in a relationship again

Ultimatums do not generally have a place in healthy, loving relationships.

Depends - if it was straightforward 'you can't go out with those people' then utterly outrageous and controlling.

But if it was 'that venue/activity is beyond the pale and it would transform how I saw you if you went' then that's rather different. A vegan might be able to put up with an omnivore, but recoil from someone who travels to attend bull fights. And watching or participating in the abuse of trafficked women on a stag night might have that importance.

Yes my relationship would be over. I’d never be with someone like that.

The couple are invited to everything together but one of them refuses to go as it impinges on their time.
There is no question of the affected partner having time with friends or family on their own.
When affected partner kicks back, there is verbal and physical aggression and when all is forgiven, the cycle continues again..

The forbidden contact with others, causes affected partner to sometimes do their own thing and switch off their phone knowing that the shit will hit the fan afterwards but wants to attend a family occasion eg wedding or birthday dinner.
They take the risk so they can have time with others.

Is the clingy angry one forgetting they supposedly have the rest of their lives to spend with their partner

Horrible, controlling and violent.

I'd be out of there.

Walk away now

Why would anyone tolerate that, they don't even live together so surely not difficult to just not ever see them again.

Ditch them, they are an abusive arsehole.

I would say the relationship was over the moment they issued that ultimatum. I have zero time for controllers.

Physical aggression? This is an abusive relationship and there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.

id walk, and i actually did. my exh telling me i wasnt allowed to do something/go somewhere was the absolute last straw.

It would be over and I’d be the one to end it.

Add physical aggression into that? It’d be over either way.

Is this a taat or your own question?

Obviously the most urgent actual issue in the situation is the threat of aggression, followed by the attempt to isolate, followed by shouting and screaming. All of those are reasons to end a relationship.

In a normal relationship where a couple are committed, live together and especially if they have children who are dependent, I think it is perfectly okay for there to be a degree of discussion about attending stag or hen weekends especially if one partner is expecting the other to pick up their share of childcare/ domestic stuff or spending money intended for joint expenses or leaving their partner with significantly less money. However you're talking about a volatile relationship where the couple don't live together (so presumably don't have joint money or joint children) and where the people involved are clearly incompatible and should obviously split up.

This is an abusive relationship. Get out as soon as you are able.

I think in general I can imagine a poor woman who hasn't had a holiday in years, doesn't get much help with kids saying this to their husband about an extravagant stag do. In this scenario I don't think they would be in the wrong to put their foot down. But the situation you describe I'd have left the relationship the first time they said I couldn't see my family/friends!

Is this your relationship OP? Your partner is abusive and controlling you. You need to get out.

Big nope. The time I spend with my friends away from my partner means that a) we have stuff to talk about and b) we're happy to see each other and spend time together.

My ex was like you're describing. Should have sacked them off on day 3 when it first reared it's ugly head rather than waiting 6 years.

I mean generally it would mean the end of the relationship (and a given with the shouting) but there are a lot of variables.

The woman the other week who didn't want her oh to wipe out all their savings had a point. If it meant a week abroad while I was late stages of pregnancy then I'd probably have an issue.

My husband didn't go on his brother's abroad do as it would have cost 2k and used holidays that meant we couldn't go abroad as a family. But he knew that himself and made the decision just to go on the local one

It's their choice. Both to stay and to take the risk. Try to stay patient and be there when she makes better choices

Interesting you describe shouting and physical aggression as being 'at best'. Because if you're the person in this situation, you need to know that this is far far worse than simply ending the relationship.