If your partner told you that if you went to a party: stag/ hen , your relationship would be over

[madebyjill]

How would you react?
Following on from recent threads I am interested to know thoughts of either male of female posters .
What would you think if your partner said that if you went to an important event, a friend or family celebration , the relationship would be over or at best, there would be shouting and screaming and physical aggression?
The partner has no issue with the hosts personally, but one of the partners wants to spend all time together on their own as a couple because they only see each other every weekend( for the full weekend) and a couple of evenings per week due to distance.

madebyjill is this your personal situation or just an attempt to twist something on other threads in order to shout "gotcha!"

There are sometimes threads where a couple have children and live together and the mother of the children objects to the children's father, who lives with the family, going off getting drunk and spending a lot of money on a very regular basis (often meaning there's not only not an equivalent amount of money available for her to spend on her own fun and no money to take the kids out while he's away, but no money for a family holiday or they have no joint savings/ no money things they'd agreed to save for like a new car or washing machine) and leaving her to look after their joint children and do all the housework, cooking, laundry, homework help, night waking with babies etc solo.

Someone always pops up on such threads telling the woman doing all the drudge work that her husband is an adult, she can't tell him what to do and they wouldn't have a problem with it/ don't see the issue/ she's controlling if she asks him not to go.

Obviously the scenario of threatening aggression and deliberately isolating another person is abusive. The scenario in the title - of being driven to the edge by a "partner" buggering off every weekend and spending disproportionate amounts of money on partying while their "partner" is expected to do all the donkey work, and in that situation issuing an ultimatum - is not abusive but merely desperate.

Both relationships are crap, but with different people at fault in each scenario, and the first isn't a gotcha for the second.

I have said, once, and once only, 'I actually don't think we can afford X' and DP took a second look, agreed with me and cancelled.

He went to a strip club with clients once and I told him if he did that again I'd leave.

I don't think either instances were controlling or red flags.

Going out to dinner/parties/whatever - I wouldn't dream of saying yes or no. We, as courtesy, check the other person doesn't have something on cos of childcare but there's no permission asked or granted.

or at best, there would be shouting and screaming and physical aggression?

The threat or fear impending physical violence would be enough for me to know that yes, this relationship is over, now I need to extricate myself as safely as possible.

Someone who uses fear to control you is no partner and not a good person. I hope you are ok and have support OP.

Really if someone has to actually say "the relationship will be over if you do this thing you're considering" then the relationship is already over.

In this scenario the stag/hen do would be neither here nor there; the relationship would be over regardless of the ultimatum because I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who yelled and screamed and was physically aggressive.

When affected partner kicks back, there is verbal and physical aggression and when all is forgiven, the cycle continues again..

This on its own would end the relationship, forget the rest. This. This would be end game.

Way too much drama and (by the sounds of your last update OP) the physical abuse would be enough for me.

Doesn’t matter if the person lashing out is male or female, it’s not acceptable and it’s a huge line crossed.

I had a “properly” violent exGF who attacked me and left me with extensive scratch marks and bruising. I excused her attacks twice and finally left after the third. It was two too many. Don’t be the same. It’ll only escalate.

If distance is an issue then presumably they don't live together? In which case I'd not waste my time further with an abusive partner who expected me to isolate myself from friends and family by never spending time with them.

If they do live together and have joint finances and children then there are factors to consider like can they afford it and is the partner regularly disappearing to go do things and making themselves un-contactactable expecting the other person to just pick up the slack as they have done the rest of the time their partner isn't there?

Either way though if there's violence and no trust its over. And I'd say leave

Controlling!! You need to leave OP

@madebyjill

The couple are invited to everything together but one of them refuses to go as it impinges on their time. There is no question of the affected partner having time with friends or family on their own. When affected partner kicks back, there is verbal and physical aggression and when all is forgiven, the cycle continues again..

The forbidden contact with others, causes affected partner to sometimes do their own thing and switch off their phone knowing that the shit will hit the fan afterwards but wants to attend a family occasion eg wedding or birthday dinner.
They take the risk so they can have time with others.

Obviously this is entire situation is abusive and insane and I have absolutely no idea why on Earth the abused partner hasn’t ended the relationship. You’ve said it’s a long distance relationship and they don’t live together; there isn’t even a practical/financial barrier preventing them from ending it.

One of DP’s mates has a partner who behaves like this towards him whenever he wants to do anything. I don’t know if she’s physically abusive to him, but she regularly trashes things in the house (which belongs to him, and to which she has never made any contribution). It’s horrific.

Controlling and it would be over

I'd pack their bag and never look back.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that

I would say there are bigger issues than a difference over socialising.

This is an abusive controlling relationship.

Leave.

@QforCucumber

My relationship would be over. If my husband at all ever decided that I wasn't allowed to socialise without him, my relationship would be over.

How often are women who don't want their partner to go somewhere alone supported on here? Apparently there can only be one reason why a male partner wants to go somewhere alone.

It is my feeling that the abusive partner is jealous , properly jealous of the relationship that partner has with family and friends as she( she is the abuser) has no relationships with family or friends really.

She is angry and deeply unhappy as a person in any event and I expect she believes that a ' proper ' relationship is about a couple being stuck at the hip.

She has always insisted on this mantra of us against the world and us only. She can't hear of any acceptance to a social invitation and is only happy when both partners are together and on their own.

The trashing furniture and objects belonging to him sounds familiar as is the screaming and shouting.

The male partner is always in fear .

The person who doesn’t wish to spend any time with anyone else nor let their partner do so, sounds fucking unhinged and will no doubt go on to be an absolute nightmare abusive piece of shit (assuming they are not fully there already).

Love IS NOT spending all of your time together. Love is not dictating the actions of others.

All that is, is projected insecurity, zero self esteem and probably a traumatic childhood. I feel sorry for those people but fuck no I would NEVER entertain such absolute absurdity in human form.

@madebyjill

It is my feeling that the abusive partner is jealous , properly jealous of the relationship that partner has with family and friends as she( she is the abuser) has no relationships with family or friends really.

She is angry and deeply unhappy as a person in any event and I expect she believes that a ' proper ' relationship is about a couple being stuck at the hip.

She has always insisted on this mantra of us against the world and us only. She can't hear of any acceptance to a social invitation and is only happy when both partners are together and on their own.

The trashing furniture and objects belonging to him sounds familiar as is the screaming and shouting.

The male partner is always in fear .

He absolutely needs to end this relationship. It’s an awful way to live.

I'd be asking 'are you OK' because DH would never say anything like to me, any more that I would say such a thing to him.

He is my partner, not my parent.

He needs to leave. That's the bottom line here.

He needs to leave. The controlling alone is bad enough without the verbal & physical abuse. Are they married / have children?

I'd tell them to pack their stuff while I was away on the hen night and I hope they have a great life 👋

Jealousy is not love, jealousy is ownership. She does not love him, she just wants to own him. I would advise him to end the relationship. Thank goodness they don't live together! He needs to tell her it's over, block her on all media, change the locks to his home, and report her to the police if she harasses him.

"The male partner is always in fear ."
He needs to get out of this relationship ASAP.

I would and I did walk away.
Not quite the circumstances you describe but the whole I don't like you going out socialising without me (amongst other things)

If my husband told me I couldn't go to a party without him, I'd be waving him off to his mothers, from said party, with a glass of my Prosecco in my hand.