To think she should be taking more responsibility

[Isittheweekendyet56456]

I live with DP, we have 4 children between us, 2 each. DSC are with us 50% of the time. I WFH permanently but regularly go out to meetings - sometimes I can be out at meetings 5 days a week. I do the school runs either side of the day and will move meetings around to ensure I can do this daily. DP works full time and his shift pattern doesn’t allow for him to do school runs.

Now my issue is with DPs ex-wife. It has started small at first and this is the smallest issue - she is supposed to collect DSC from school once a month on a day when she is not actually working - thats it - and on each occasion has made an excuse as to why she can’t do it so obviously I have had to drop everything and collect. Her impression is that I’m just at home.

Huge issue - it has now transpired that her intention is for me (and DP where his job would allow) to cover ALL school holidays in the academic year with full day childcare for DSC. I have no issues covering the days that DP would normally have them and can manage my diary to allow it but for it to be all the days that she is supposed to cover their care it just feels like she is being a bit cheeky.

Last year DP was out of work and therefore she did use him daily for childcare during holidays.

It’s obvious that she had no intention of covering school holidays at all by her using most of her A/L already on 2 holidays this year already with her new partner. Her intention is to use the remainder of her A/L at Christmas. Im absolutely astounded that she has made absolutely no plans at all for her covering any of the school holidays with her own A/L.

Easter school holiday so far I have 2 meetings booked and my own DC will be going to their dads on these days. DP has just started a new contract and can’t take any time off.

I’m just at a bit of a loss. It’s a really difficult conversation to have with DP as obviously I love having DSC here but working full time and having meetings to go to also it is quite difficult for me to keep my boss happy with my diary being blocked out, to keep 4 children entertained and fed and I’m starting to now worry about the 6 week summer holidays. Due to it being that I will solely be responsible for DSC during holidays I will therefore need to manage my own A/L to cover days that she would have them as I won’t be able to go to meetings. Currently DP can’t book A/L at his new job as likelihood is he will be on a different contract then and as said previously, I can manage to cover the days he would normally have them.

So here’s the question - AIBU to expect that she shouldn’t have used all her A/L on holidays with her partner as opposed to ensuring her own childcare responsibilities are covered? And therefore AIBU to expect that DP will ensure this point is put across? He simply refuses to see my point that care during the holidays is a joint responsibility for her too.

I know there’s little I can do about it all as it stands and will inevitably have to just suck it up for this year!

I know the arrangement is 50/50. But is it formally agreed how that pattern looks? Set days or a rota or week on/week off etc. And is there a formal agreement for school hols, ie all hols split exactly 50/50 or one gets Easter and their gets Christmas etc.?

You're being shafted, and I'm sorry to say that you're allowing it to happen. You mention sucking it up. NO!

How old are the DC? How long have you lived with DP? What has been the pattern in previous school hols?

@Irritatedmum

This really is an issue with your DP. How long have you been together? Has he expected you to look after his children from the start? Is your relationship generally good? This is a really big red flag for me.

Generally our relationship is good! We’ve been together just over 3 years - no I’ve never been expected to look after his children previously prior to moving in, I’ve done no more other than just generally watching them if he was going out somewhere and indeed now is the first time it has been ‘expected’

A lot of it I think is his ex is ridiculously nasty with things she says to him - for example he has declined to take his DC to a club she had organised for them to attend every other weekend when he has them because it’s literally a 2 hour round trip for a 30 minute activity and it’s the only day we can feasibly go out as a whole family. I backed him on this decision for this reason and instead we take the kids out on this day, planning something different every other weekend.

So her retaliation was that he is a terrible father for not going to the effort for his DC and taking them to the club which they very dearly wanted to go to!!!

I clicked YABU for being so passive about it. You are being expected to look after 2 extra kids for 6 entire weeks and think you've 'just got to suck it up for this year's and are falling for his emotional manipulation about not wanting the kids there.
Me and my husband both wfh and our kids are in breakfast and after school club because we are working not child minding. Unless the kids are all very older primary and exceptionally well behaved and self sufficient your career will suffer.
It obviously complicates things if you've already agreed to have your own kids at home but you are completely writhin your rights to refuse more

The issue with ex-W aside for a minute, how would your DP manage 'his' weeks if he was single? Sounds like his access arrangements are based around you being available to do the grunt work of school runs etc for him! Am I understanding right you you do the school run even on ex's days? Why??? You're doing more than either of their parents by the sounds of it!

Feels to me like ex enjoyed her summer last year with no childcare responsibilities if your DP did it all, and is basically trying to make it happen again at your expense. I'd be telling them both to fuck right off tbh, they are both royally taking the piss!

I WFH and my employer would be massively unimpressed if i was looking after children when I'm supposed to be working, let alone 4 of them - how on earth does that work?!

Afraid not - I’m a remote worker - all staff are. Our office isn’t even in this country

ok, is there a co-working hub near you that you could use? If not, you said you are often out for meetings anyway, so all you need to say if that you have meetings on various days during the holidays and are not at home so she will need to make her own arrangements

No chance OP you need to stand up for yourself now and refuse. They aren't your children, not your respective. You make the choice to help your dp with childcare during his time which is your business, it is his ex s responsibility during hers.
If dp says you don't want them more, say NO I don't I need to work, not look after your children when they should be with their mother. Or tell him you'll help out during his time but he has to take holiday to cover exwifes.

Look, I don’t think all women are saints and all men are arseholes.

But see you say how nasty she is to him? And see how the minute you moved in together you became his childcare and he has had a huff at you?

At least consider the possibility that her nastiness is in part a reaction to have lived with him and shit like that for far longer than you have yet.

Perhaps she’s pulling this shit over holidays, because because you came on the scene, he did that to her?

Which doesn’t make it right.

But I would say - forget your feelings about her, and focus on saying no to him.

And if he’s an arsehole about it, act on his behaviour, not hers.

Wow what a lovely kind person you are to accommodate your step children in this way - not many would do what you are doing. However I became frustrated on your behalf when I got to the end of your post and saw that these parents are now taking you for granted! How sad

Put your boundaries in place as early as possible and then everyone knows where they stand.

How upsetting that despite everything you do for your step children your dp accused you of not wanting to spend time with them.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and if he says you are then you need to have a closer look at this relationship! You are not an unpaid nanny

I hope you will stand up for yourself, OP.

You have no need to suck it up. It's not your problem that the EXW booked her annual leave without considering anyone else.

Wow. Your DP is royally taking the piss expecting you to cover HIS days, let alone hers. The fact that he responds defensively about this is so much more of a red flag than you seem to realise it is.

I would be making it clear I won't be covering for either of them and from now onntjey need to sort their children out. You should not be in this position.

So when did you start doing the school run for both step kids every day? That’s the way I read it, you pick them up every day apart from once a month? I assume you drop them at their mums?

What a CF!!!
she needs to take responsibility for her own children and arrange her AL accordingly; alongside her ex H to ensure it's a shared task.

@Isittheweekendyet56456

Thanks everyone! Yes I do do a lot for my DSC! I know this - a huge reason why I work from home permanently is for my DC and also for DSC, because then I’m there for them when they need me.

I’m going to put a few (completely made up) meetings in my diary on the days she would have them - see if this forces DP to approach her on it!!

Truth be told, I haven’t actually really been fully asked by either of them!!!!! All I got was a half ask of am I ok having DSC in the holidays as ex wife is working and he is having to cover - my full initial response was indeed yes BUT she needs to take responsibility too for her days. This is when he had the ‘you don’t want them here extra’ strop about it all. It really didn’t feel like it was up for discussion.

So ‘meetings’ will now be added in - given neither of them have actually really formally asked me or asked how my diary is looking - DP is well aware how often I go out to meetings - and I have adequate care for my DC, I’ve no reason to not continue to plan my work accordingly (or at least add in pretend meetings!)

Don't lie and add in fake meetings. Don't get into the logistics of how it will work.

Tell your DP he needs to sort this out with his ex. If he gives you the guilt trip again, tell him to stop it.

This is not for you to figure out or worry about, and it's not for him to try to guilt you or strop about it.

Just stop doing it where are your boundaries??????

Your ‘D’P is a cheeky fucker and probably thought all his cheeky fucker Christmases had come at once when you turned up willing to take on all the childcare! His ex sounds selfish too but she arguably owes you nothing - your partner is the one who is supposed to support and love you and instead he’s taking the piss! Doesn’t that make you angry? Don’t you want to tell him it’s not your problem and if he can’t accommodate his own children adequately then he needs to change his job to something more flexible, or pay for part time childcare over the holidays? You’re too nice and you’ll end up turning the anger and upset on yourself when you’re run ragged over the holidays and your boss is moaning at you.

Well he has a right mug made out of you and his ex has just joined in.

Clearly you have zero boundaries and zero self respect to allow him to bully you because you have a problem being on call skivvy/au pair for HIS kids.

You are being used.

He needs to get a job where he can mind his children, not use you for it.

Why have you brought this man who is clearly using you into your childrens lives?

Neither he nor his ex have ANY respect for you, they just assume you will do it all?

Your poor children.
You working FT and then being skivvy to this man's children.

I feel so sorry for your children being last in the pecking order because of your choices.

You are treated like this because you allow it.

Your priority should be your children, not his.

Just awful.

@Isittheweekendyet56456

When I’ve said - it’s a difficult conversation to have with DP - I mentioned it to him last week and mentioned that I have meetings etc to go to and it’s impossible for me to go to them with having DSC, it turned into him saying that I just didn’t want them extra . It’s not that at all - DC and DSC all get on well and I love them all being together. But it’s not feasible for me to factor in extra days blocked out in my diary to cover her days too.

And this is where the problem becomes him rather than her.

These children have two parents and both are abdicating their responsibility towards them and expecting you to do what they choose not to. If his ex drops the children on him, it is up to HIM to find alternative childcare for them. And you are NOT that alternative.

THis would be a dealbreaker for me. He takes care of his own children, he does not expect you to endanger your job to pick up his fucking slack.

@Mummy1608

I think this is between dh and ex to sort out - I think in your place I'd be angrier with him than with her.

Why? The mother's the one who is trying to dump their off-spring when it suits her. Hopefully the OP's husband will keep a record of how often she dumps them and reduce child support accordingly, she clearly doesn't support them properly.

Why? The mother's the one who is trying to dump their off-spring when it suits her. Hopefully the OP's husband will keep a record of how often she dumps them and reduce child support accordingly, she clearly doesn't support them properly.

Because not only does he rely on OP massively to look after his kids (also dumping his offspring on her), he's guilt tripping her and acting defensive about her not being happy with what the ex is expecting, when by rights not only could she be unwilling to do that, she could be unwilling to do what she's doing for HIM in the first place, and he would have no reasonable reason to be pissed off. He's the one that's her partner and is supposed to be decent to her.

A simple “sorry but I’m not even able to look after my own children on these days which is why I’ve arranged for them to be work x/or at y as I am working”

It has nothing to do with you not wanting them around- your own kids won’t be either!

Tell her you will do it, but must receive her child benefit and/ or tax credits as she’s not caring for the children.

@motherofcatsandbears

Tell her you will do it, but must receive her child benefit and/ or tax credits as she’s not caring for the children.

As much as this would make a point, child benefit wouldn't be as much as wages which is what a non parent should be receiving for doing this.

If I was in this position, I'd write an actual diary of the days I'm willing/avail for covering school holidays and then show the days I'm definitely not. I'd hand it over to my partner and give him a second copy to hand to his ex. Then I'd back the eff off and leave it to them to sort.
This is not your responsibility, so don't even try to engage or input ideas to assist them. Your time at work is just as valuable as theirs is.

Actually, their mother does have a choice if she's used up her leave. It's called parental leave and it's a legal requirement. She won't get paid but tough shit.
Also, your DP is an arsehole. Suggest you grow a backbone and say 'DP, I love my DSC but I'm not rearranging all my work over the holidays because neither you nor their mother can be fucked to take time off work to look after YOUR OWN CHILDREN'. Bollocks he can't take holiday. Bollocks she can't take parental leave. Jesus wept, OP, I'm livid on your behalf. Put your foot down.

Wow op, they are both taking you for granted.
Your dh needs to take time off work (either paid or otherwise) and look after his own children.
I agree with a previous poster. Start working outside of the home. Go to a coffee shop for a few hours, don't tell your oh this, and work from there. Start to do this and become unavailable. I thought your dp's ex was unreasonable until I got to the end, your dp is taking you for granted. Stop being available it really is his problem to solve.
Surely he needs to go to his employer and say he needs time off to look after his own children. If they won't pay him then he needs to use annual leave or take unpaid leave.