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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should be taking more responsibility

122 replies

Isittheweekendyet56456 · 01/04/2022 09:43

I live with DP, we have 4 children between us, 2 each. DSC are with us 50% of the time. I WFH permanently but regularly go out to meetings - sometimes I can be out at meetings 5 days a week. I do the school runs either side of the day and will move meetings around to ensure I can do this daily. DP works full time and his shift pattern doesn’t allow for him to do school runs.

Now my issue is with DPs ex-wife. It has started small at first and this is the smallest issue - she is supposed to collect DSC from school once a month on a day when she is not actually working - thats it - and on each occasion has made an excuse as to why she can’t do it so obviously I have had to drop everything and collect. Her impression is that I’m just at home.

Huge issue - it has now transpired that her intention is for me (and DP where his job would allow) to cover ALL school holidays in the academic year with full day childcare for DSC. I have no issues covering the days that DP would normally have them and can manage my diary to allow it but for it to be all the days that she is supposed to cover their care it just feels like she is being a bit cheeky.

Last year DP was out of work and therefore she did use him daily for childcare during holidays.

It’s obvious that she had no intention of covering school holidays at all by her using most of her A/L already on 2 holidays this year already with her new partner. Her intention is to use the remainder of her A/L at Christmas. Im absolutely astounded that she has made absolutely no plans at all for her covering any of the school holidays with her own A/L.

Easter school holiday so far I have 2 meetings booked and my own DC will be going to their dads on these days. DP has just started a new contract and can’t take any time off.

I’m just at a bit of a loss. It’s a really difficult conversation to have with DP as obviously I love having DSC here but working full time and having meetings to go to also it is quite difficult for me to keep my boss happy with my diary being blocked out, to keep 4 children entertained and fed and I’m starting to now worry about the 6 week summer holidays. Due to it being that I will solely be responsible for DSC during holidays I will therefore need to manage my own A/L to cover days that she would have them as I won’t be able to go to meetings. Currently DP can’t book A/L at his new job as likelihood is he will be on a different contract then and as said previously, I can manage to cover the days he would normally have them.

So here’s the question - AIBU to expect that she shouldn’t have used all her A/L on holidays with her partner as opposed to ensuring her own childcare responsibilities are covered? And therefore AIBU to expect that DP will ensure this point is put across? He simply refuses to see my point that care during the holidays is a joint responsibility for her too.

I know there’s little I can do about it all as it stands and will inevitably have to just suck it up for this year!

OP posts:

Abaababa · 01/04/2022 10:21

Wow OP, you are being manipulated by both your DP (guilted) and his ex wife (power play). You are being royally f’d in the process.

You sound really amenable and nice but you need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. You are not the nanny, child help, etc. You work and have set hours and anything outside of that, well tough bananas 🍌.

Flickflak · 01/04/2022 10:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PegasusReturns · 01/04/2022 10:31

Ex wife is being cheeky but this is a DH problem.

You need to make it clear what you can do an that does not include taking A/L to look after his DC.

Chloemol · 01/04/2022 10:34

You just refuse to have the kids when it’s not your turn. She then sorts her own childcare out

Simple as that

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 01/04/2022 10:34

Just tel her no. Her and your DP will have to sort the DSC out, they aren't your children and are not your responsibility.

Dontbeme · 01/04/2022 10:37

@Isittheweekendyet56456

When I’ve said - it’s a difficult conversation to have with DP - I mentioned it to him last week and mentioned that I have meetings etc to go to and it’s impossible for me to go to them with having DSC, it turned into him saying that I just didn’t want them extra

. It’s not that at all - DC and DSC all get on well and I love them all being together. But it’s not feasible for me to factor in extra days blocked out in my diary to cover her days too.

Ask why it's up to you to cover for Him and his Ex? Why is it okay to jeopardize your work for someone else's kids? Why is it okay to use your time, energy, money and annual leave chasing about after someone else's kids?

This is firmly a DP problem, he will have to simply change jobs so he is available for his kids or their mother steps up, it's not your job just because your dating their dad, you are more than a convenient babysitter with sex thrown in. Start getting very angry at him. Honestly I would be considering ending the relationship at the lack of respect this pair of CF show you.

Unsureaboutit9 · 01/04/2022 10:38

She is very cheeky and unreasonable but so is your DH, NITHER of them are booking AL to cover the holidays, that’s on both of them, he’s not pushing her because he knows he’s just as cheeky, both are taking advantage of you.

Itwasntmeright · 01/04/2022 10:38

You need to say, to both of them, ‘I’m not willing to do this and I won’t. How you sort it out between yourselves is up to you, but I won’t be doing it.’

Goodbyetowinter · 01/04/2022 10:40

What are the custody arrangements? It's looking as if you almost have full time care and she should be paying maintenance and you should have child benefits. Perhaps court should decide.

StormyWindow · 01/04/2022 10:57

@Isittheweekendyet56456

. It’s not that at all - DC and DSC all get on well and I love them all being together. But it’s not feasible for me to factor in extra days blocked out in my diary to cover her days too.

So you've pointed out a practical, logistical problem with DP/ex's plan for the holiday childcare and he's turned that back on you as 'not wanting them extra'? That's a massive red flag OP and means he doesn't respect you or your work, you can see where his ex got the idea that you would pick up all the slack.

You need to speak to DP again, tell him it's got nothing to do with not wanting DSC and ask why your work is not as important as his or his ex's? Remind him that you do as much as you are able (and a lot more than many step parents would do) but what he and ex are demanding is just not doable around your job. Ask him why it's been assumed that you can/will do this when no one has even asked you whether it's logistically possible, which it isn't. Don't let him sidetrack you into 'you don't love my kids' bullshit, you can point to a million examples that this isn't true so just keep pulling him back to the fact that you practically can't have DSC and work.

You need to stand your ground now though or this 'assuming' you will fill the gaps by DP (and ex as an extension) will continue and you will get more and more resentful. You're not an evil SM because you have to work and so aren't available for childcare, that's an entirely unreasonable expectation and you mustn't let yourself get guilted into doing it even once because it's clear they will see that inch you're giving and go ahead and take a mile.

HerbertChops · 01/04/2022 11:02

If she’s already used all her annual leave (ours runs April to April so hers might too) then she’ll have to book unpaid leave. ‘No I’m working’ is all you need to say to your dh, let him and her sort it out.

Original poster

Isittheweekendyet56456 · 01/04/2022 11:13

Thanks everyone! Yes I do do a lot for my DSC! I know this - a huge reason why I work from home permanently is for my DC and also for DSC, because then I’m there for them when they need me.

I’m going to put a few (completely made up) meetings in my diary on the days she would have them - see if this forces DP to approach her on it!!

Truth be told, I haven’t actually really been fully asked by either of them!!!!! All I got was a half ask of am I ok having DSC in the holidays as ex wife is working and he is having to cover - my full initial response was indeed yes BUT she needs to take responsibility too for her days. This is when he had the ‘you don’t want them here extra’ strop about it all. It really didn’t feel like it was up for discussion.

So ‘meetings’ will now be added in - given neither of them have actually really formally asked me or asked how my diary is looking - DP is well aware how often I go out to meetings - and I have adequate care for my DC, I’ve no reason to not continue to plan my work accordingly (or at least add in pretend meetings!)

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 01/04/2022 11:18

Even if your diary was empty, it is not your responsibility.

BoredZelda · 01/04/2022 11:25

Your problem is with your husband gaslighting you. Tell him you’d love to have the children for more time and ask him when he will be organising time off to care for them.

He is using you. Don’t let him.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2022 11:25

I’d stop doing all the school runs too. It is up to their parents to get them there.
Tell DP you are happy to have them extra but only on the basis that he provides all extra care for them.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2022 11:29

All I got was a half ask of am I ok having DSC in the holidays as ex wife is working and he is having to cover - my full initial response was indeed yes BUT she needs to take responsibility too for her days.

This is all ludicrous.

He’s saying you “don’t want them extra” because that’s what she’s saying to him to guilt trip him.

You tell him no, I cannot cover all the holidays for you. And you cannot take all the time off work. So ex will need to sort alternative childcare on her days/time.

That’s the bottom line.

In non-blended families kids need to go to paid childcare during holiday time because most families can’t 100% cover holidays themselves.

This isn’t a blended family issue other than both your DP and his ex playing the guilt game.

If you agree to any of this you’re a mug.

Berthatydfil · 01/04/2022 11:32

Book a workspace outside of your home (coffee shop or even your car ?) so you won’t actually be at home. Start doing it now for the odd day/half day so you are setting expectations that you just aren’t sitting at home.

JustABloodyMinute · 01/04/2022 11:39

If she has no more AL and can't cover the days then she needs to get them booked in somewhere like holiday club. That's what the rest of us have to do.

AskingforaBaskin · 01/04/2022 11:45

As many single parents know. You can't force someone to parent. If she is abandoning the children then your husband needs to take residency, collect maintenance and provide childcare himself.

If she is not relinquishing her parenting time then you block her and refuse to engage fully and again make firm boundaries with your OH that if the children are they they are his responsibility

ChiselandBits · 01/04/2022 11:53

It's absolutely not your issue. Can I ask where your two children are through the holidays? And are they similar ages? Are they with their dad 50% in the holiday or mostly with you? If the latter, I can see why the ex might think you could just have all 4.. Please note I am NOT saying she is right.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 01/04/2022 11:54

You sound an absolute diamond but my goodness please step back. As most have said, it's their problem to sort out not yours. Once they have their plan in place, if there's an emergency then of course you would help. How dare he put this onto you. He's the problem! Be strong and get the balance adjust. Good luck!

Original poster

Isittheweekendyet56456 · 01/04/2022 12:22

@ChiselandBits

My DC will either be with me, their dad or grandparents - their dad understands I work just as much as him - he takes time off work and if he has to work they go to his mother/DCs grandmother - as equally my mum will cover me if I have to go out to work and they are my responsibility.

OP posts:

StormyWindow · 01/04/2022 12:40

I'd be having a think about why you feel unable to talk to your DP openly rather than booking in fake meetings if I were you OP, and why you were not even asked if this would be ok.

Irritatedmum · 01/04/2022 12:45

This really is an issue with your DP. How long have you been together? Has he expected you to look after his children from the start? Is your relationship generally good? This is a really big red flag for me.

WhenDovesFly · 01/04/2022 12:58

I think you need to spell it out to your DP that you didn't co-habit with him to become a nanny to his kids. Put some boundaries in OP and don't let him try to guilt you into looking after HIS children. If his ex can't have them during her days then it's up to her to sort child care, not expect you to have them. I do hate this perception that someone working from home is able to look after children.

Also, stop doing her pick ups once a month. Make sure you have a meeting booked for that day and won't be available. She's taking you for a mug, and your DP is starting to do so too.

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