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Am I being a princess?

205 replies

namechange165 · 31/03/2022 11:02

DH and I both earn decent salaries but have had a tight few years financially, with a couple of kids in full time childcare, a bit of debt to pay off, taking on a higher mortgage and a house that needs some work, etc. So although we have managed, we've been on an economy drive with no spare cash for fun things - no holiday since 2014, only the very occasional dinner out (maybe once every 3 months) to cheap places with the kids so we don't have to pay for a babysitter, no birthday/christmas presents for each other. Finally, the youngest child is now at preschool, we've paid off the debts, remortgaged at a better rate and finished doing the most expensive jobs in the house. We now have an extra £600-£800 per month, and will have even more come September when the youngest starts school. DH will also receive a 4 figure bonus at the end of April.

We both turned 40 during lockdown and had our 10 year wedding anniversary, but didn't do anything to celebrate. Now that we can afford it, I suggested going out to a fancy restaurant that we have both talked about going to for ages. It's not cheap, £70pp for 6 courses, but given it is to mark a total of 3 special occasions I thought we could push the boat this once. But he has reacted as though I have suggested blowing £50k on a faberge egg or something.

Apparently we absolutely cannot afford to do something so extravagant and it is a ridiculous suggestion to waste so much money on just one meal. I now feel like an unreasonable, spoilt princess for even suggesting it. But I also feel really deflated. What is the point in working so hard to have this spare cash if we can't enjoy at least a bit of it? We don't spend any real time together between the kids, work, housework and aside from the treat of going out for dinner I thought it would be lovely to reconnect a bit. AIBU?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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RobertsRadio · 31/03/2022 20:37

Good luck with the talk Op. I think the meal sounds fantastic and very good value for what it is. I would love it.

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starynight21 · 31/03/2022 22:42

I don’t think you really need to spend £70 p/p to reconnect and spend time with your husband.

I think yes, go out and let your hair down but to me that’s a lot of money for a meal. I would be like how many hours of work did it take me to earn that to blow it on one meal?

Just because you have money doesn’t mean to go crazy and all. What’s wrong with a restaurant where it’s £70 for the both of you. That’s all I am saying.

I don’t think for you it’s about the money though. You just want to enjoy yourself and have some fun with your family. I think you should just try to compromise with him and meet in the middle.

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Hont1986 · 31/03/2022 23:04

It's going to be about £300 all in for that night out, and that's half of your month's spare cash. Gone in one night. When there's still work to be done on the house and you don't have a six-month emergency fund built up yet.

He may also be worried that just as the financial pressure is coming off, and you're starting to have a bit more spare cash, you want to increase your standard of living. If it's really a one-off event then maybe he's not reasonable to think like that, but it does sound like this isn't the end of your plans for the freed-up money.

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MsTSwift · 01/04/2022 08:44

You sound fun Hont. You’re a long time dead. What is the point of working hard if you never get to enjoy it?

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Divebar2021 · 01/04/2022 08:51

I went to Barcelona for my 40th…. A nice meal out seems pretty modest in comparison. I wouldn’t be waiting 10 years for my next big birthday or anniversary to celebrate because I didn’t have 6 months salary saved that’s for sure.

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Blossomtoes · 01/04/2022 08:54

What’s wrong with a restaurant where it’s £70 for the both of you. That’s all I am saying

That’s the average mid market pub, it’s hardly special. They’re supposed to be celebrating two big birthdays and a milestone wedding anniversary.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 01/04/2022 09:18

It’s spare cash. To enjoy - one splash of £300 out of £7200 a year at 600 a month

What did hubby say last night @namechange165

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Kennykenkencat · 01/04/2022 09:25

@1forAll74

A person is not tight if they don't fancy blowing money on some fancy meal. It means that they have a different view on money matters, to those who think you should have treats when having a bit more to spend. Everyone has a different view,of what a treat is supposed to mean., and to me,it wouldn't mean blowing money on food, at some restaurant..

You sound like my mother who would say she was frugal.

She was just Mean.

The problem with watching the pennies so closely is you miss sight of the £££s walking out of the door and it becomes an ever decreasing circle as your life gets smaller and smaller.
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RightOnTheEdge · 01/04/2022 09:47

Did you talk to him OP? I hope it went well.
I've just read all the thread and I think you are not being princessy or U.
If you say to him all the reasons you've said here about reconnecting with each other and the things you used to enjoy together and he still doesn't get it then that will be sad and not very encouraging for your future.

I definitely don't think you should book it and suprise him with it though when he was so against it.

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Xpologog · 01/04/2022 09:58

Balancing your spare income plus his bonus against the cost of this one off meal, it’s a small percentage. If you were proposing topping up your spare money with a 10k loan and going to Disney that might be unreasonable.
It’s possible your DH wants to put some money behind you as you’ve been short in the past. Do you have a savings account? Budgeting for so much to transfer into that per month will be a visible reminder of how hard you’ve both worked to achieve this. And subtracting £140-£170 fir a one off celebration won’t look so massive.

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namechange165 · 01/04/2022 10:16

Hmm well I did talk to him. The meal was sold out by then so it was off the table as an option (boo!) but that’s probably a good thing as it took the immediate pressure off the discussion. He said he understands and we can look at booking somewhere else, or the same place on a different night for later in the year. It felt a bit non-committal though, he wasn’t overly enthusiastic and had a whiff of just saying it to shut me up. But I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and the proof will be in the action.

I did suggest going for a cheaper meal but he is of the same view as me - neither of us mind cooking and if we want a nice steak and red wine or something we can make one at home for a fraction of the cost that will be just as good. If we are going to the hassle of babysitters and taxis we’d rather go somewhere that is more of an experience and eat something we could never make at home.

So I will continue to save small amounts into a “fun” fund for another couple of months and will hopefully then have a nice pot of money to cover a nice meal. And if he doesn’t want to go, then screw him, I’m off to a spa with my friends!

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melj1213 · 01/04/2022 10:27

Tbh I think that the OPs DH has gotten so used to watching the pennies that it's too much of a massive jump for him to go from never going out at all to going for a night out that is easily going to cost at least £250-300 (£140 for the meal and then drinks before/during dinner, taxis, babysitter, new clothes even) and he's struggling to justify it especially at a time when all the household bills are going up and the "extra" money isn't going to stretch as far any more.

I think you should push for this meal as a one off celebration and then afterwards sit down with your budget, put in all your essential expenses/savings etc and whatever is left of your extra money agree that a certain % every month is your "fun fund" that is specifically to go towards fun and fripperies.

Sometimes just having 'permission' to spend money on that Starbucks because you are passing, even though you are heading home and could make the same coffee for a fraction of the price, or go out for a meal just because you cba to cook rather than for a specific reason and knowing that you have specific funds just for that makes it easier to justify. That way you have a specific amount set aside that you can spend guilt free - some months you may not spend any of it, other months you may spend it all; some months you might fritter it on lots of little extras, another month you might spend it all in one go on a fancy £70pp meal but knowing it is there and is specifically ear marked for that purpose makes it easier especially in the early days when you can still be in the mindset of scrimping and saving and having to justify every expense.

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RightOnTheEdge · 01/04/2022 10:39

Oh that's a shame about the meal OP.

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moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 01/04/2022 13:24

Shame about this particular meal, but overall sounds like a good outcome - hope he can put his money where his mouth is (so to speak) when you find an alternative

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billy1966 · 01/04/2022 13:37

He sounds miserable.

I think go ahead and book something with friends that you can look forward to and have a nice break.

Start accepting this could be your future with misery guts.

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HashtagShitShop · 01/04/2022 13:39

It's less than 50 pounds an occasion given you're celebrating all three. Does he realise that?

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diddl · 01/04/2022 15:21

I think if he has said to go there another time then I would keep him to that.

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Chonfox · 01/04/2022 15:39

What a fucking miser. It would depress me being married to such a fun sponge tight wad. YANBU. Book a day out/night away with friends instead. He'd probably only ruin it if you took him. Sour balls!

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NannaKaren · 01/04/2022 18:19

Book the restaurant ! - …. what is he like ?!?!?
Life is too short ffs

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maybloss2 · 01/04/2022 18:48

I think you’re man has got used to the economy. Perhaps he is worried that all of that hard work will be wasted and you’ll end up in debt…I’d be tempted to book it -as you say you can pay for it and nearer the time say we’re going out as a treat from me to youxx

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UnvarnishedTruth · 01/04/2022 18:59

@namechange165 the only good advice here so far has been @givethatbabyaname

"But mostly you need a proper conversation about what money means to the two of you. Communicate. Always, communicate. Don’t get hung up on specific things, think about what’s really going on. Try to see each other’s points. Neither of you are wrong here, I think you’re just at different points in your heads about financial security and what money means to you both."

Some things it could be, just off the top of my head:

You're acting/writing like the upcoming bonus is a sure thing. Maybe he's worried it's not? Perhaps the company management have been giving signals that it might not happen, and he hasn't told you yet?

Maybe he's thinking about another big outlay you've maybe got coming up that you're not considering? Perhaps a car is due an MOT soon and he's worried it'll need expensive work?

Or maybe he's already made surprise plans for you both, you caught him off guard, and telling you he was worried about the cost was the first thing he could think of to put you off the trail.

Or maybe none of those things. But the two of you have to communicate properly.

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WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 19:08

I agree with DH. £70pp is a ridiculous amount to spend on one meal.

Do something cheaper and you can have just as good of a time.

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Suretobe · 01/04/2022 19:40

It takes time to relax after money being tight for so long. And you and your husband might have different views on what it’s worth splurging on. Work through it together.

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Fluffmum · 01/04/2022 19:51

70 quid for 6 courses is a bargain . Your partner is over reacting

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Hmm1234 · 01/04/2022 20:10

Suggest a holiday that’s sounds like money well
Spent

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