Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being a princess?

205 replies

namechange165 · 31/03/2022 11:02

DH and I both earn decent salaries but have had a tight few years financially, with a couple of kids in full time childcare, a bit of debt to pay off, taking on a higher mortgage and a house that needs some work, etc. So although we have managed, we've been on an economy drive with no spare cash for fun things - no holiday since 2014, only the very occasional dinner out (maybe once every 3 months) to cheap places with the kids so we don't have to pay for a babysitter, no birthday/christmas presents for each other. Finally, the youngest child is now at preschool, we've paid off the debts, remortgaged at a better rate and finished doing the most expensive jobs in the house. We now have an extra £600-£800 per month, and will have even more come September when the youngest starts school. DH will also receive a 4 figure bonus at the end of April.

We both turned 40 during lockdown and had our 10 year wedding anniversary, but didn't do anything to celebrate. Now that we can afford it, I suggested going out to a fancy restaurant that we have both talked about going to for ages. It's not cheap, £70pp for 6 courses, but given it is to mark a total of 3 special occasions I thought we could push the boat this once. But he has reacted as though I have suggested blowing £50k on a faberge egg or something.

Apparently we absolutely cannot afford to do something so extravagant and it is a ridiculous suggestion to waste so much money on just one meal. I now feel like an unreasonable, spoilt princess for even suggesting it. But I also feel really deflated. What is the point in working so hard to have this spare cash if we can't enjoy at least a bit of it? We don't spend any real time together between the kids, work, housework and aside from the treat of going out for dinner I thought it would be lovely to reconnect a bit. AIBU?

OP posts:
Report
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

billy1966 · 31/03/2022 15:09

Definitely do it with a friend if he doesn't wish to.

What that will tell you about the future of your marriage with him, only you can tell.

You may not live until you are 90, but it will certainly feel like it with Mr Misery.

Don't be dragged down by him.

Please
or
to access all these features

NeedleNoodle3 · 31/03/2022 15:12

Do you have individual money, could you treat your DH to the meal then you get to go? That’s what my DH and I do if one of us wants to something more than the other. We find it avoids the big debate is it worth it/value for money.

Please
or
to access all these features

1forAll74 · 31/03/2022 15:13

A person is not tight if they don't fancy blowing money on some fancy meal. It means that they have a different view on money matters, to those who think you should have treats when having a bit more to spend. Everyone has a different view,of what a treat is supposed to mean., and to me,it wouldn't mean blowing money on food, at some restaurant..

Please
or
to access all these features

NeedleNoodle3 · 31/03/2022 15:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please
or
to access all these features

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 31/03/2022 15:17

Yanbu... But he is probably still in the "being super careful" mindset.

Please
or
to access all these features

godmum56 · 31/03/2022 15:20

[quote namechange165]@godmum56 probably not explicitly enough. I definitely need to tonight. Strangely worried about the way the conversation is going to go though.[/quote]
oh. oh dear.

Please
or
to access all these features

RJnomore1 · 31/03/2022 15:22

Folk are totally missing the point. It’s not about whether we would want to do it; it’s about the fact op does, they can afford it, and the person who is supposed to love her most in all the world doesn’t want to invest a small amount of their new incomings on something she will enjoy and that matters to her, as a one off and to make up for kidding out on so much over the last few years. And that is why he is a tight prick.

Meanwhile on yesterdays thread I saw a pile on to tell an op that she was being completely unfair to tell her husband that she was uncomfortable with him spending a minimum of £1100 out of their £2k savings, which they weren’t in a position to recoup due to less income at present, on a once in a lifetime stag trip that would have solely benefitted him while leaving her looking after the kids. Fucking unbelievable on here at times.

Please
or
to access all these features

Calmdown14 · 31/03/2022 15:28

I'm not very good at spending money on myself and I agree that you do get into a bit of a scrimping mindset that can be hard to break.
I tend to pay bills and let my husband buy treats because I prefer not to think about what they cost or I can't enjoy them the same!

How about you say, "I have made a small amount of money selling on Vinted which I have earmarked for a treat (that makes it not from the normal pot of cash and sets out it isn't to go into normal spending)
Would you prefer:
Option a, fancy meal, option b maybe something like night away on a hotel deal and more basic meal. Or option 3, maybe something for family???(we just did a weekend away in a Haven caravan for £88 kids had ball but less of an adult treat).

Make it a choice of which treat rather than treat versus save?

Please
or
to access all these features

billy1966 · 31/03/2022 15:31

@RJnomore1

Folk are totally missing the point. It’s not about whether we would want to do it; it’s about the fact op does, they can afford it, and the person who is supposed to love her most in all the world doesn’t want to invest a small amount of their new incomings on something she will enjoy and that matters to her, as a one off and to make up for kidding out on so much over the last few years. And that is why he is a tight prick.

Meanwhile on yesterdays thread I saw a pile on to tell an op that she was being completely unfair to tell her husband that she was uncomfortable with him spending a minimum of £1100 out of their £2k savings, which they weren’t in a position to recoup due to less income at present, on a once in a lifetime stag trip that would have solely benefitted him while leaving her looking after the kids. Fucking unbelievable on here at times.

Couldn't agree more.

2k is their safety net and he's comparing a holiday with her spend on a much needed surgery because the poor OP was in agony.

Unbelievable.
Please
or
to access all these features

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2022 15:33

Make it a choice of which treat rather than treat versus save?

Good idea but make it a choice of really treaty, childfree things. You really do need to reconnect as a couple after years of sacrifice.

Please
or
to access all these features

Calmdown14 · 31/03/2022 15:38

Obviously pick the options based on things you'd actually like to do as you are equally entitled to the treat. They were just random examples.

If nothing else it will help you understand whether he is adverse to having a treat or whether he would just prefer the money to go a bit further on something you can enjoy

Please
or
to access all these features

Ceci03 · 31/03/2022 15:53

@ParkheadParadise

I would go for a meal with a friend.
I can't stand a tight miserable man.
No one knows what their future holds you could be dead next week🙈
Enjoy your meal 🥂🥂

This
Please
or
to access all these features

ukborn · 31/03/2022 15:56

£70 for a meal is not extravagant and for what sounds like a tasting menu is fine. Regardless, his reaction is ott. Even if he didn't like the idea he could explain his reasons calmly, and perhaps suggest doing it a bit down the line when he feels more secure.
Personally this seems a small amount to pay for a lovely evening out to reward yourselves for doing so well getting rid of the dept etc. if you budget for it seems very reasonable to me.

Please
or
to access all these features

Kennykenkencat · 31/03/2022 15:57

@Bubblesandsqueak1

Nah not a hope in hell would i want to fork out over 300 quid for a meal out after scrimping for years for 300 quid you could have a nice weekend away instead

I hardly think a 7 course meal by a celebrity chef is extortionate. I think it is quite good value as you are also paying for the setting and the ambience, the cloth napkins and decent cutlery.

A weekend away in a Premier Inn with the kids and eating at a Harvester just isn’t the same.

You would be better off staying at home.

Quality over quantity to celebrate big birthdays and anniversaries

I think the issue might be that for 6 years you have both been watching the pennies and it has become a habit.
I have seen people who work long hours so they can get their businesses off the ground or to get their career on a high trajectory or have been broke and have spent so much time not spending that when they have money or time to relax a little and they have a financial buffer they continue to not spend money or take time out and it takes over their lives
Please
or
to access all these features

OohRahhMaki123 · 31/03/2022 15:57

You know, I actually think he needs to understand the longer term impacts of his behaviour. No way would I be happy in a long term relationship if £70 per head was unacceptable level of treat after 8 years.

You are saving a decent sum each month. You are no longer in debt. You have gotten the expensive bits regarding the house and childcare out of the way. You've gone without for so long...

What was the bloody point if you can't have one meal out at the end to celebrate? Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry, but for someone who likes food, as you've said your husband does, £70 per head is NOT overly expensive. Especially as it is once in 8 years!

And if he is like this now, what is your future going to look like? I'd ask him at what point does it end? Make it clear that you have gone through this tough patch SO that you can enjoy a nice boost with the occasional treat. Sorry for ranting OP, but he does come across like a tad miserly...

Please
or
to access all these features

Honeymint · 31/03/2022 15:59

YANBU to want a nice meal out, it’s expensive sure but I assume it’s a really nice place that you’d like to try so why not push the boat out for a big occasion?

I don’t know if this helps (because really I’d stick to your guns and go where you want to go!) but have you heard of Michelin Bib Gourmand restaurants?
They’re restaurants with gourmet style food where you can get 3 courses and a drink for under £30pp.
Depending on where you live there could be a few of them near you.

There’s a list of all of them here: guide.michelin.com/gb/en/selection/united-kingdom/restaurants/bib-gourmand

Having said that though, I would definitely insist on the place you want. £140 for two people for a 10 year wedding anniversary celebration is incredibly reasonable!

Please
or
to access all these features

TatianaBis · 31/03/2022 16:02

Well I'm a cheap date - I'm happy with £40 of sushi.

Please
or
to access all these features

Blahblahfrickinblah · 31/03/2022 16:07

Make a fancy meal at home if you can for just the two of you. If that’s still not appealing for him probably time to have a good chat.

Please
or
to access all these features

namechange165 · 31/03/2022 16:08

@OohRahhMaki123 I share your view. The past few years have been boring, but worth it to now have a nice home and (as I thought) the financial freedom to enjoy ourselves a bit.

I don't think I'll get too far with presenting him with options. This (or something very similar) is genuinely the thing he would most want to do, if we were going to do anything. But he doesn't want to, and what worries me is why. Is it just the money thing, is it laziness and bad habits after lockdown/economising, or is it that he just can't be arsed to do anything nice with me? I won't know unless I ask him, I'm just worried I won't like the answer!

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2022 16:09

@Blahblahfrickinblah

Make a fancy meal at home if you can for just the two of you. If that’s still not appealing for him probably time to have a good chat.

That’s how we all had to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries during lockdown. It’s very tired now.
Please
or
to access all these features

LakieLady · 31/03/2022 16:13

YANBU. £70 for 6 courses seems reasonable to me. My local charges £12.50 for a burger and £14 for ham, egg & chips and, while it's really nice, it's not high end in any way. The last time I ordered an Indian takeaway for 2 people, it was around £30.

In any event, it's 3 celebrations in one, so that makes it a tad over £20pp, per event.

Your DH is tight, and it's a most unattractive trait!

Please
or
to access all these features

namechange165 · 31/03/2022 16:14

@Blahblahfrickinblah

Make a fancy meal at home if you can for just the two of you. If that’s still not appealing for him probably time to have a good chat.

I have spent nearly every evening for the past 6 years in this house! A nice meal in is fine, but I need to get out once in a while and do something different. And as a couple I really think we need to get out of our rut of just sitting on the sofa every night staring at our phones or the tv.
OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

NeedleNoodle3 · 31/03/2022 16:18

I think of it as investment in your marriage, you want to go, get dressed up and experience something new and different with your DH. You can afford it, he should go along with it I think unless he really dislikes eating out.

Please
or
to access all these features

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2022 16:25

@Blahblahfrickinblah

Make a fancy meal at home if you can for just the two of you. If that’s still not appealing for him probably time to have a good chat.

@Blahblahfrickinblah

Err eh?! What does the OP get out of that?!
Please
or
to access all these features

DummiesPramsAndDollies · 31/03/2022 16:31

YANBU!!
I expect the Hubby to do all he can for my birthday. Just as I would for the kids’ special days, and for his.
Grin

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?