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Original poster

Have you ever got in touch with an old friend you fell out with?

67 replies

AbsentmindedWoman · 31/03/2022 06:20

I had a great friendship of over a decade, we were very close. Fell out oddly and stupidly years ago - frustrating because there wasn't even a row as such Confused We were just both in quite a bad place.

I tried contacting her a handful of times during the first year after the fall out, but she never replied. So I assume it was a bigger thing than I really knew about - that there was obviously a problem I was unaware of, and she didn't want to be friends, and that was that.

Once a year or so she crosses my mind and I hope she's doing well (which I'm sure she is) and it's just kinda wistful. I could never get in touch now, too long has passed and there's no way we could ever go back to the friendship. I'm grateful that we had the fun and laughs we did have, though Smile

These ghosts of friendship from the past are poignant.

Isn't it annoying and stupid sometimes how unfortunately things can work out, and you lose a friend you never thought you'd lose?

Has similar ever happened to you? Has anyone actually ever revived an old friendship?

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 31/03/2022 06:26

I've had a friendship drift back into my life, after an odd situation (basically a night out that went wrong!) after which she cut me and another friend off completely.
Few years later I heard through another mutual friend that she was pregnant, so asked MF to pass on my congratulations and best wishes. She did, and 'ghost' friend then got in touch - we've been on friendly terms ever since, but a very weakened form of the friendship, and we're not close anymore. Still, I'm glad she's somewhere in my life.
This is probably nothing like your situation. I do get your feelings though.

OutlookStalking · 31/03/2022 06:29

I miss a couplf of friends I had in early 20s. I think it is perhaps because Im lonely now and lacking in close friendship though 😞

penneforyourthoughts · 31/03/2022 06:39

Yes. I owed her a massive apology for the way that I behaved towards her in our early 20s when I caused her proper sadness and upset. Twenty years on, she was more than gracious and we’re now back in touch, including a couple of real fun and memorable nights out. Amidst the laughter and the wine, I made sure I said sorry and meant it that night.

Roselilly36 · 31/03/2022 06:39

No, usually if you fall out, it happens for a reason. I would never get back in touch with a friend that I have fallen out with, but a friend that I have just lost touch with over the years I would.

WildCoasts · 31/03/2022 06:39

I have but they weren't people I'd fallen out with, just drifted away from. I sometimes think about a couple of friends but I think that's just nostalgia from that time of my life rather than the friends themselves.

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/03/2022 07:14

Isn't it annoying and stupid sometimes how unfortunately things can work out, and you lose a friend you never thought you'd lose?
Yes
Has similar ever happened to you?
Yes
Has anyone actually ever revived an old friendship?
No, Not successfully. Any that were revived were a bit like Stephen King's pets graveyard....all messed up

GiantHaystacks2021 · 31/03/2022 07:15

Nah.

carefullycourageous · 31/03/2022 07:20

I had a friend who ditched me, but she was a complicated person and I was a bit self-obsessed at that time so I can see why it happened. I do sometimes think of her but I wouldn't want to try again as being honest she was a bit too high maintenance for me, and also when I think how much I have changed in the period since there is no knowing if we would have anything in common now.

Suprima · 31/03/2022 07:22

I’m thinking about this but I think it’s best to leave well alone.

I had an extremely intense friendship with a female friend that came on very quickly due to us both having terrible boyfriends and living very close to each other. We broke up with our boyfriends within 3 months of meeting and spent nearly all of our free time together. I adored her, she was wonderful.

Needless to say we fell in bed together after a night out. I was aware she was tinder dating but wasn’t aware she was in a serious relationship with a new man. The next day she confessed to him, told him everything and we quickly retreated from each other as she needed space and he was upset.

I sent her a 18 months ago to say that I’m so sorry for what happened, I wished her well and no need to reply. She responded favourably and kindly, but we left it at that.

I am now engaged with a baby on the way, and moving cities. I don’t know if she would think I’m ‘safe’ now, and be ready to be my friend again over text. No idea if she is with this man still. I hope she is doing well, and I think I’ll probably leave it. I miss her so much Sad

Nothingsfine · 31/03/2022 15:11

OP, you could be the friend I ghosted a few years ago, from what you've written. I feel bad to have ghosted and ignored subsequent attempts at contact but I was hurt by what was said to me and what led to me cutting off contact.

Over the years I've thought about this friend and I wish her well but I don't want to be back in touch. She was only really happy when she had the upper hand. My life had been messy and her and her DH often helped me out but when I made some moves to fix my problems, it didn't seem to go down well. I was also in the midst of a scary diagnosis which she brushed off as me being dramatic.
And at the beginning of our friendship she accused me of fancying her DH, and got really sulky with me when I wasn't well enough for some social plans we'd made and had to cancel.

I haven't got back in touch, even though I'd like to apologise for ghosting and explain why, I don't want to pick the friendship back up as it just wasn't a healthy one.

Bdhntbis · 31/03/2022 15:16

I got in contact after several years but we’ve since lost contact again as it just wasn’t the same; I felt I could no longer trust her to be there for me as a friend

Youdoyoutoday · 31/03/2022 15:24

No thankfully, once out of the friendship I was really upset for a while, almost like a break up. Then I realised ow toxic and selfish she really was!! I'm glad she's no longer in my life.

Another friend kissed my ex who she knew i was still madly in love with. I moved away but came back for a wedding and when she was tipsy, I asked her about him and told me they had kissed. I walked out the wedding and never spoke to her again!! She broke my heart more than he did as we'd been friends for years.

thepeopleversuswork · 31/03/2022 15:26

@Roselilly36

No, usually if you fall out, it happens for a reason. I would never get back in touch with a friend that I have fallen out with, but a friend that I have just lost touch with over the years I would.
I disagree with this.

Sometimes friendships end because the two friends in question are in difficult places or because there is pressure from elsewhere and it can't work in current circumstances but I don't think it has to be forever.

Quite often the passage of time and perspective can you make you reappraise friendships.

A very close friend and I fell out for about eight years because her then boyfriend couldn't stand me (and the feeling was mutual). The friendship was untenable for as long as she was with him but once they had split up we basically picked it up again.

I think people are unnecessarily hardline about not forgiving old friends sometimes and can end up depriving themselves of what could have been good friendships. If someone's been really horrible to you of course you should distance yourself, but people grow and change: assuming someone hasn't changed at all over the course of a decade is punitive.

I think we all need to be a bit more flexible about this and remember that a friendship can last decades. There has to be a bit of give and take.

Gooseysgirl · 31/03/2022 15:28

I've gotten back in touch with old friends, usually if our paths have crossed again for some reason. I had a falling out with one of my closest friends when we were in our early 30s but we recovered from it after around 18 months and if anything it made our friendship stronger - we love each other to bits!! We were both determined not to give up what had been a 30 year friendship and promised each other we would never let it happen again! I think there has to be a willingness on both sides though to reconcile.
I ended another friendship as it was extremely toxic. I still feel sad about it at times but don't have any regrets. We have lots of mutual friends but have only had one occasion in 15 years where we were both in the same venue. I avoided her and left the event early. I was pregnant at the time and just didn't want the stress. I would chat to her now if I bumped into her, but way too much water under the bridge now for me to want to invest any time in rekindling a close friendship.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 15:31

I got back in contact with a friend I'd lost touch with. I thought her responses were genuine until I realised it was me travelling to her when we met, me contacting her to see how she was etc.

I stopped and waited to see if she'd contact me. I've just checked my messages and we last spoke in September 2020. I got engaged after that and I've since had another baby and heard nothing.

It's sad because we never fell out the first time. She fell out with another friend and she just automatically assumed our friendship would be collateral damage. But she clearly doesn't need our friendship so that's ok.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2022 15:32

Twice. Once was someone who rightly told me not to marry my first husband. He got back into touch when it was clear he was right all along.

Another we drifted apart and she felt there was still a friendship but I didn't.

Funkyslippers · 31/03/2022 15:47

Yes, my best friend and I drifted apart when she moved away. No real argument as such. I was too proud to keep in touch. I then emailed her a few years later and she emailed me back almost straight away. We've been besties ever since (around 5 years) though only see her around 3/4 times a year. We message each other alot though and I can't imagine not being part of each other's live again

lonelyapple · 31/03/2022 15:49

Yes. I fell out with my best friend and didnt speak to them for 15 years. We got back in touch and are now closer than ever.

planetme · 31/03/2022 16:11

Yeah

I had a best friend for years, we were single parents together and honestly I loved her so much. Our eldest dc were best mates too
We both eventually met partners and married them and had more dc. Her new husband turned out to be very controlling, sleazy to other women, and was also a really shit parent. He hated me as I could see through his shit and I'd never hesitate to call him out on it. After I had yet another row with him she stopped speaking to me and deleted me off Facebook and wouldn't reply to texts so I just sent one last message saying I'd always be there for her and just left it. As she was completely under his spell there was no point.

I missed her a lot and thought of her often over the years. And how I would love to know how she is and how her kids are. And I'd love to tell her about stuff that's happened in my life like she never knew I had another child and moved out of the area and started a new career etc. A few months ago I heard from a mutual friend she'd finally divorced the twat husband. So I decided to send her a Facebook message, but she read it and just blocked me immediately. It stung a lot because always believed that if she split up with her H I'd maybe have a chance at being her mate again, but I knew then the door was closed for good. Maybe for her, too much water had gone under the bridge.

planetme · 31/03/2022 16:18

I also had a close friend ditch and completely ghost me during the beginning of covid in the summer of 2020

But we were both in a very bad place at the time. Her because she was absolutely terrified of catching covid and she was a total lockdown supporter. She was in a position that covid and lockdowns did not affect her financially.
But I was the total opposite I was against restrictions because I was terrified of losing my house due to it all affecting my business (not being allowed to trade) and DH furloughed on half pay with a high risk of redundancy. So we were both acting like arseholes tbh particularly on social media

I've thought about her as we did have a lot of good and happy times. And I wish her well but actually I think we'd both changed a lot and started to drift a long time before covid so it was the right thing.

KatherineJaneway · 31/03/2022 16:33

I was on the other end of your scenario. I cut off my friend after her behaviour became unacceptable. She tried to get back in touch twice in the years after but I'd been clear at the end that unless she gave me an apology for her behaviour, I wasn't interested in continuing the friendship. She never apologised, I told her I wasn't interested. Cue some angry rants but I ignored her.

Justanotherteaandbiscuit · 31/03/2022 16:55

I think it depends on why you fell out. I fell out with a long time friend over her totally unreasonable behaviour. It was a repeated situation and drama followed her in every area of her life, but she was never the cause. In the end I got sick of it, and as she would never be the one to apologize the friendship died because I wouldn't do the leg work anymore.

Ineedastyleicon · 31/03/2022 16:55

Yes I did and we have occasional contact now.

planetme · 31/03/2022 17:10

@Justanotherteaandbiscuit

I think it depends on why you fell out. I fell out with a long time friend over her totally unreasonable behaviour. It was a repeated situation and drama followed her in every area of her life, but she was never the cause. In the end I got sick of it, and as she would never be the one to apologize the friendship died because I wouldn't do the leg work anymore.
Oh god I had one like that 🙈🙈🙈

Always falling out with people and making enemies, not realising she was the common denominator

CharSiu · 31/03/2022 17:28

I have fallen out with two friends in my life.

Looking back one was a total using bitch and I look at the things I did for her in a new light, she was an absolute user. After that decade long friendship ended, DH, DS and another friend revealed how they had always hated her. The other is sort of regretful, we did things for each other and if she had just communicated back explaining something it need not have gone the way it did. I was genuinely worried as she lived alone with her DS who has major issues. I will not contact her though as that is what she requested. To be honest she had an absolute shit life and lived in an awful house in an area she hated that was so cluttered she had hoarding issues, she had asked for help before and I had said of course whenever your ready.