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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New house, new rules. No soul

67 replies

BearLeft · 31/03/2022 00:27

AIBU to be considered. For the last three years my husband and I were in private rental. He owned a house but lived at mine during lockdown. I am fortunate that he has now sold his place and we've bought somewhere with a place with help from my brother. He says that my son at university can attend as a guest. He hates my dog. He is ridiculously clinging to everything he owns and disses all I have. When I ask, he tells me 'to go and live with your mother'. My mum is 78 and the best person ever. I just don't know what to do. Am I just expecting too much?

OP posts:
TheGrinchsDog · 31/03/2022 01:37

Talk to womens aid and maybe start a new thread in relationships.

A man who's go to is 'if you don't like it leave' every time you have a fall out is not a nice person to say the least. I expect this is the tip of a very large iceberg of not pleasant behaviours, because so often there is more once you scratch the surface.

The surface here is truly nasty enough on it's own.

Do you have a financial stake in the property?

It sounds like he's treating it as his house, not your joint owned property. It sounds like you are only tolerated if you toe the line and do as he says.

He doesn't like your dog, is iffy on your son (?)... does he like you much do you think? It doesn't sound like it to me, people who truly like (and love) you don't treat you as though you have 2 options: do what I say or fuck clean off. That's just a dictatorship. Or to give it a proper name Abuse.

Flowers
echt · 31/03/2022 01:44

He sounds dreadful. What was he like when living in your rented property and what happened to his house at that time?

DreamTheMoors · 31/03/2022 02:01

Take your son and your dog and go and live with your mother.

Call the bastard’s bluff and save yourself at the same time.

BlueSummerBaby · 31/03/2022 02:40

Break up with the loser and if you part own the house he either buys you out or you sell it again. He's being controlling and totally unreasonable

Nightlystroll · 31/03/2022 02:53

Your poor brother. I hope he doesn't lose out.

moonbedazzled · 31/03/2022 02:55

Oh wait, sorry. I think I've misread this. How long have you been married?

Weatherwax13 · 31/03/2022 02:57

Probably ask to get this moved yo Relationships. They're really helpful over there.
I think you've made a huge mistake unfortunately and you need to extricate yourself swiftly
Get legal advice on either selling the house or getting him to buy you out.
Don't stay with this man.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/03/2022 03:21

Can I get this right. You and your DH have bought a house together and your brother has helped you financially to do this but your DH is calling all the shots on who and what is allowed into your jointly owned house? He sounds controlling and nasty. Do you need to pay back your DB it was the money a gift? Do you work and are you able to support yourself?

GiraffesInScarfs · 31/03/2022 03:24

Sell the house and leave him. This will not get better. Surely these type of issues should have been discussed prior to buying a house together?

Suzi888 · 31/03/2022 03:28

@GiraffesInScarfs

Sell the house and leave him. This will not get better. Surely these type of issues should have been discussed prior to buying a house together?
^ This I’m totally confused. So you’ve purchased a house together and now he’s telling you to leave? It doesn’t work like that tell him. House needs to be sold or he buys you out. What was he like before when you lived together?
Indicatrice · 31/03/2022 05:12

Are you on the deeds?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2022 05:48

@GiraffesInScarfs

Sell the house and leave him. This will not get better. Surely these type of issues should have been discussed prior to buying a house together?
This. He sounds truly dreadful. I don’t often say ltb. But he’s being abusive and making your life a misery.

Were there no red flags before?

Chickychickydodah · 31/03/2022 06:18

Sell the house and leave him.

Mynameisnew · 31/03/2022 06:31

Attend as a guest?!

My dad tried to rename my bedroom as the "guest bedroom" and my mum set him straight. Men can be weird.

Wheniruletheworld · 31/03/2022 06:37

"Your son can attend as a guest..." says it all. Please seriously consider the wisdom of your relationship before it gets a whole lot worse

KatsuKatsu · 31/03/2022 06:39

So is this your house too? You're on the deeds?
I'd sell and move out. Your son is not a guest.

50DaysAF · 31/03/2022 07:44

Moving in with someone who hates your pet is never going to go well, let along the rest of his unpleasant behaviour.

Sounds like he wants you to be the one to leave.

LagunaBubbles · 31/03/2022 07:47

You must have a really poor view of yourself if you think this us expecting too much sadly.

grapewines · 31/03/2022 07:52

I hope you're on the deeds.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 31/03/2022 07:59

Just laugh.

And get another ddog.

Grin Or sell up and take your loved ones with you.
nettie434 · 31/03/2022 08:12

Agree that this would be better in relationships. It really isn't right to marry someone and say their son can be a guest. Or to behave as if you are his lodger and he is the landlord, especially when your brother helped with the purchase.

JustDanceAddict · 31/03/2022 08:15

Attend as a guest - wtf?
Uni terms are 10 weeks - he’s not going to be a guest for 22 weeks is he?
Your partner needs to get real.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 08:22

Suggest that he leaves.

Surely you knew he didn't like your dog or son before you bought the house?

Riverlee · 31/03/2022 08:23

He’s showing his true colours.

Your son is not a guest, but a family member.

Sorry, he sounds awful.

Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 08:26

You need to explain exactly how you own this house together - who is on the deeds, who is on the mortgage, how much money did your brother give you, what was that towards (e.g. deposit or moving costs).
Then we can advise who best to speak to about the next step.

Also, are you married? You say husband, but say he was living with you… not impossible of course, but some people do say husband when they’re not married. Sounds like not his son?