New house, new rules. No soul

[BearLeft]

AIBU to be considered. For the last three years my husband and I were in private rental. He owned a house but lived at mine during lockdown. I am fortunate that he has now sold his place and we've bought somewhere with a place with help from my brother. He says that my son at university can attend as a guest. He hates my dog. He is ridiculously clinging to everything he owns and disses all I have. When I ask, he tells me 'to go and live with your mother'. My mum is 78 and the best person ever. I just don't know what to do. Am I just expecting too much?

Presumably this behaviour hasn’t come out of nowhere? How long have you been together?

Why does he get to dictate all the ‘rules’. He’s very entitled considering it was your family who helped you both buy the house.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

@girlmom21

Suggest that he leaves.

Surely you knew he didn't like your dog or son before you bought the house?

Not necessarily. If he was in the rental she was paying for, he probably wasn’t throwing his weight around then. Certainly the his stuff vs her stuff may not have been relevant.

I’d bet actual money that he didn’t pay his way at OP’s during lockdown, too.

He sounds horrible. This will not improve. You need an exit strategy - and your need legal advice.

He is a selfish bully.

Sounds awful. You definitely need to find a way out of this.

Please leave, OP, before he destroys you even more. He's an abuser.

You need to be firm and assertive here. If you meekly stand back and let him dictate, the path of how this is going to run is set. Unfortunately you’re now committed to a certain extent because your dB has also invested in the house, so it’s not easy just walking away. Tell him that whilst you have an interest in the property, via your brother, that you should also have an input. He’s probably become selfish whilst living alone in his own home, so you need to be firm.

The most worrying thing about this is his attitude towards your son. It sounds like he is pushing him out and trying to create distance between the two of you but in doing so, he is also isolating you.

Sadly it looks like the house needs to go back on the market and you need to end this.

How long have you been together?

@Indicatrice

Are you on the deeds?

Yes ...are you?

WTF does he mean your son can be a guest? Is he having a fucking laugh?? He's your son it's his home.
He sounds nasty as fuck and I think you should sell and pay your brother back. He must be regretting helping you live with this foul man.
Your husband is horrible to you and everyone you love. You need to leave, it won't get better.

Just wondering, when he says your son is a guest, does he mean that your son won’t have his own room? So rather than saying your son is a guest and therefore not welcome often, maybe it’s more that because he doesn’t live there, he shouldn’t have his own room?

I’m just speculating though, as he sounds like an arse tbh.

My dh resented my dc being around.
Thank goodness we just rented..
Exh now....

Your son who is at university can "attend as a guest"? It's completely unacceptable that your partner even thinks like that.

@ApolloandDaphne

Can I get this right. You and your DH have bought a house together and your brother has helped you financially to do this but your DH is calling all the shots on who and what is allowed into your jointly owned house? He sounds controlling and nasty. Do you need to pay back your DB it was the money a gift? Do you work and are you able to support yourself?

this exactly.

He is calling all the shots in your joint house?

If I was being really kind, I would wonder if he was struggling to let go of his house, and the change and is clinging on to stuff because he can't deal with the change.
If I was being realistic, I would think he was being a dick

Nothing more for you to do OP.

Leave now and go to your moms.

work out the legal issues regarding the house whilst you're at your moms.

Wtf. This is awful?

Op - how is the house owned? Jointly?

Who put what into the property? Are you on the deeds?

Deep breath time. You have both entered into this deal with a completely different set of expectations. You need to sit down quietly and make a list of what has changed since you moved from rental to owned.

• What happened when your son lived with you in the rental? Did H get on OK with him? Or were there problems brewing? Are both H AND son throwing their weight around in a contest of dominance?
• Has your son only been at uni since September?
• Has you son changed since joining uni? Sleeping late, weed in the bedroom, loud gaming at night?
• Did H go to uni himself? Is he from a different culture? Is there a big age gap between you?
• What precisely does 'guest' mean to your H? No dedicated room? Name not on the deeds? No right to stay if you are on holiday at that time?
• Where does he expect son to live otherwise?
• Who is paying the mortgage? Who is on the deeds?
• What about the dog? Did you have it at the rental? Is it behaving differently in the new house - scratching the precious furniture, perhaps, or peeing on the new carpet? Does it want to sleep on your bed? Drill down and find out what the exact problem with it is.

Once you have defined the size of the problem better, see if you can persuade H to join you in couple's counselling. You cannot go on like this, but a dozen sessions of counselling come cheaper than starting over.

@Livelovebehappy

You need to be firm and assertive here. If you meekly stand back and let him dictate, the path of how this is going to run is set. Unfortunately you’re now committed to a certain extent because your dB has also invested in the house, so it’s not easy just walking away. Tell him that whilst you have an interest in the property, via your brother, that you should also have an input. He’s probably become selfish whilst living alone in his own home, so you need to be firm.

Don’t do this.

This man is abusive. He has future faked you to get you tied into a property. His mask hasn’t slipped - he has taken it off - he is a “dominator”, a thug and a bully.

But he is not above the law - although he thinks he is.

You need to sell the house and end this relationship.

There is zero prospect of negotiating or changing the behaviours of such abusive types.

Do not even consider someone impacting on your son like this in his own home.

Talk to a solicitor.

Talk to your brother.

Continue to seek support outside of this “relationship”

Well done for posting here.

Your gut is 100% correct.

He’s a wrong ‘un and has duped you to get so far - he has financially manipulated and financially abused you - you probably couldn’t have known - but now you do - get out of the relationship ASAP - he wants to keep your financial contribution and exploit you by forcing you out of your home.

He is not above the law. End the relationship and sell the house.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It happens to many women. You are not alone.

Seek professional emotional support if you can to see you through this tough time.

What is his relationship history?

Bloody hell, what an utter shit he is. It's not as though he didn't know about your DDog and DS before he opted into a joint house purchase.

Who put the most capital into the house purchase OP, you or him? And do you own as joint tenants or tenants in common? If the latter, how is the property split?

I think he's really abusive and controlling, but doubt if this behaviour meets the threshold for coercive control.

Either way, see a solicitor and prepare to LTB.

His behaviour is obviously totally out of order.

I'm confused about the timeline here, though. How long have you actually been together? When did you get married? You say that you and he 'were in private rental' for three years, but then you say he only moved in with you for lockdown, which was two years ago - it doesn't sound like you've actually been together very long before you got married? Or am I misunderstanding?

Presumably when he lived with you before you moved into your current house, he had lived with your dog and was aware that your son stayed with you when he was home from university? Was it a problem then, or did he only start complaining when you bought your house?

Either way - you really need to get out of this marriage now.

Why are you in a relationship with this man never mind moving in with him?

Did you buy the house jointly together?

@DreamTheMoors

Take your son and your dog and go and live with your mother.

Call the bastard’s bluff and save yourself at the same time.

Keep the dog and your son and kick him out.

Keep the house. It's your house too.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Deep breath time. You have both entered into this deal with a completely different set of expectations. You need to sit down quietly and make a list of what has changed since you moved from rental to owned.

• What happened when your son lived with you in the rental? Did H get on OK with him? Or were there problems brewing? Are both H AND son throwing their weight around in a contest of dominance?
• Has your son only been at uni since September?
• Has you son changed since joining uni? Sleeping late, weed in the bedroom, loud gaming at night?
• Did H go to uni himself? Is he from a different culture? Is there a big age gap between you?
• What precisely does 'guest' mean to your H? No dedicated room? Name not on the deeds? No right to stay if you are on holiday at that time?
• Where does he expect son to live otherwise?
• Who is paying the mortgage? Who is on the deeds?
• What about the dog? Did you have it at the rental? Is it behaving differently in the new house - scratching the precious furniture, perhaps, or peeing on the new carpet? Does it want to sleep on your bed? Drill down and find out what the exact problem with it is.

Once you have defined the size of the problem better, see if you can persuade H to join you in couple's counselling. You cannot go on like this, but a dozen sessions of counselling come cheaper than starting over.

couples counselling??? Are you being serious here? LOL LOL LOL

OP run now before it gets worse.