New house, new rules. No soul

[BearLeft]

AIBU to be considered. For the last three years my husband and I were in private rental. He owned a house but lived at mine during lockdown. I am fortunate that he has now sold his place and we've bought somewhere with a place with help from my brother. He says that my son at university can attend as a guest. He hates my dog. He is ridiculously clinging to everything he owns and disses all I have. When I ask, he tells me 'to go and live with your mother'. My mum is 78 and the best person ever. I just don't know what to do. Am I just expecting too much?

Why did you marry him ?

@SpaceshiptoMars

Deep breath time. You have both entered into this deal with a completely different set of expectations. You need to sit down quietly and make a list of what has changed since you moved from rental to owned.

• What happened when your son lived with you in the rental? Did H get on OK with him? Or were there problems brewing? Are both H AND son throwing their weight around in a contest of dominance?
• Has your son only been at uni since September?
• Has you son changed since joining uni? Sleeping late, weed in the bedroom, loud gaming at night?
• Did H go to uni himself? Is he from a different culture? Is there a big age gap between you?
• What precisely does 'guest' mean to your H? No dedicated room? Name not on the deeds? No right to stay if you are on holiday at that time?
• Where does he expect son to live otherwise?
• Who is paying the mortgage? Who is on the deeds?
• What about the dog? Did you have it at the rental? Is it behaving differently in the new house - scratching the precious furniture, perhaps, or peeing on the new carpet? Does it want to sleep on your bed? Drill down and find out what the exact problem with it is.

Once you have defined the size of the problem better, see if you can persuade H to join you in couple's counselling. You cannot go on like this, but a dozen sessions of counselling come cheaper than starting over.

Love your username @SpaceshiptoMars - is that where you are from?

Why are you advising someone to appease this bully? Are you a misogynist?

The size of the problem is crystal clear - he’s a financially coercive abusive bully.

A lot of people on Mumsnet advise people not to blend families until the last child is 18 - and can then be independent. Maybe they've not been paying much attention to current affairs, whatever. It sounds like H here falls into that camp, and needs to open his eyes a little wider.

There does come a time when adult children should be independent. For some, going to uni can be that time, because they combine work with a degree. For many, a slower transition is kinder, or indeed, unavoidable. The discussion needs to be had, and creative options considered if necessary.

DFOD - absolutely!

I think people on this thread are being over dramatic, overly soon. There is not enough info in the opening thread to make a snap decision on.

Better data leads to better decisions.

he tells me 'to go and live with your mother'. My mum is 78 and the best person ever

That sounds like a good solution

I would seek a separation. This is never going to work. See a solicitor re splitting your assets.

@SpaceshiptoMars

DFOD - absolutely!

I think people on this thread are being over dramatic, overly soon. There is not enough info in the opening thread to make a snap decision on.

Better data leads to better decisions.

You're delusional.

I am fortunate that he has now sold his place and we've bought somewhere with a place with help from my brother

Tying yourself into joint assets with a deeply unpleasant control freak is not what I would call fortunate. Sell it, split up and buy your own place

Don't have couples counselling with someone who is abusive. It doesn't work and it causes more harm. OP your partner is financially abusive at the very least. There may be other abusive behaviour that you haven't picked up on yet.

To the poster who said couples counselling is cheaper than starting over again - money shouldn't be the reason anyone chooses to stay with someone. There's always another way and no matter the expense the option best for well-being should always be chosen, not the cheapest option! There's no need for OP to scurry around trying to find the exact problem then fix it, the exact problem is he's abusive and she can't fix that, nor should she try.

@BlueSummerBaby

Don't have couples counselling with someone who is abusive. It doesn't work and it causes more harm. OP your partner is financially abusive at the very least. There may be other abusive behaviour that you haven't picked up on yet.

To the poster who said couples counselling is cheaper than starting over again - money shouldn't be the reason anyone chooses to stay with someone. There's always another way and no matter the expense the option best for well-being should always be chosen, not the cheapest option! There's no need for OP to scurry around trying to find the exact problem then fix it, the exact problem is he's abusive and she can't fix that, nor should she try.

Agree 100%.

Well, on the basis of 6 lines of info, I'm not going to be telling anyone to LTB. The relationship used to work, now things are going wrong. So investigate why.

Why so hasty? There is no violence mentioned. No blackmail, no ganging up, nothing vaguely criminal. Just because someone disagrees with you, they are automatically abusive? I'd have so many questions first. You can LTB at your leisure, if that is what he proves to be.

See a solicitor OP, this man hasn’t got your best interests at heart!

@SpaceshiptoMars

Well, on the basis of 6 lines of info, I'm not going to be telling anyone to LTB. The relationship used to work, now things are going wrong. So investigate why.

Why so hasty? There is no violence mentioned. No blackmail, no ganging up, nothing vaguely criminal. Just because someone disagrees with you, they are automatically abusive? I'd have so many questions first. You can LTB at your leisure, if that is what he proves to be.

In principle I agree.

I want to know what life was like at their old house, how was the son treated, was OP happy that they were equal etc.

Is this him being ridiculous over a new house, and he needs a kick up the backside, or is this actually not really a surprise based on previous behaviour. There are so many questions here.

BUT one thing I have learnt on mn is that the mn vipers are very good at spotting when behaviour has crossed a line. They are usually right.

I'd wonder about 3 things

1. Was his sense of personal OKness tied up massively in being a sole home owner? Was it a huge wrench to sell it? and
2. Is the bit about the son being a guest because he doesn't want to be financially liable for his fees/maintenance at uni? So he wants the son to be resident at Dad's so Dad collects the bill? Guessing here that OP's income alone didn't reach the threshold. and
3. Has Covid affected the family income in a drastic fashion - either the H's or the exH?

How can your DH own a house that you have no financial interest in?

What’s suddenly changed? Has the dog been behaving differently since you moved in together, or did your husband not realise the hair, smell and mess dogs create? Did you have the dog when he lived at yours or is it new?

Tbh I’d try to compromise over the dog as not everyone likes animals in the house. Can you have set rooms the dog is allowed in and dog-free rooms eg no dog allowed upstairs or on the sofa?

I guess before the dog was in your home, but now it’s half his home (presuming he put an equal amount into the purchase) he wants to set boundaries? If he’s sold his place to buy one together he’s got nowhere to retreat to. And I think you both have a say when it comes to things that bother each other, you’re married and now jointly own the house.

Is the dog house-trained? Noisy? Over-excitable? Find out what his issues with the dog are so you can solve them. Eg if it’s making a mess on floors he’s just cleaned, wash the mud off outside. If it’s smelly get it washed and groomed more often and clean it’s teeth. If it’s behaviour annoys him, get some more training and teach dog what’s acceptable to both of you (eg if you feed dog from the table, stop doing it and feed dog separately).

Re your son, it’s tricky as he isn’t your husband’s son and he’s an adult. What does he mean by ‘guest’? I think it’s fine to change son’s bedroom into a guestroom (my mum changed all our rooms around once we went off to uni). We just had a cupboard with our stuff in. One room became the guestroom, another her sewing room, another a study with a sofa bed.

Has your son changed since being at uni and your husband wants to put boundaries in place? Eg if he’s staying the whole holidays every term maybe that’s a bit long and he needs to spend some more time at uni or get a holiday job? Is he staying up late gaming or leaving a mess that your husband objects to?

Before assuming the worst I’d try to work out what the actual problems are. Living together in a house you both pay for, even if you’re married, is an adjustment and needs compromise.

@FlibbertyGibbitt

Why did you marry him ?

Replies like these (there are more on this thread, I just got fed up reading them and quoted this one!) are staggeringly rude, completely not understanding of the dynamics of abuse and entirely unhelpful.

I hope those that posted stuff like this feel pretty fucking ashamed of sticking the boot in rather than helping!

This is why I suggested OP start a thread in relationships, AIBU is awash with arseholes who make comments like this.

And terrible advice like to go to joint counselling.