Nusayba Umar - 16 month old killed by mother’s boyfriend

[babywalker56]

I am honestly getting sick to death of reading stories about parents and/or their partners being reasonable for a child’s death. I just simply don’t understand how this happens.

This woman met this man on a dating site 5 weeks before he killed her daughter. She had moved herself and her baby into his house to help him with his dog breeding business??? He also had a history of violence against his previous girlfriends and their children. In what world can you meet someone and within 5 weeks you move into their house?!

I feel so sad for this poor baby. Nusayba Umar lost her life but it even started.
Rest in perfect peace🌹

Here’s the link for anyone interested,
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-60927082

[quote User0908]@Lockheart I totally agree with you, people are quick to make judgements. I’m of the opinion that no parent would put their child at risk knowingly without something being fundamentally wrong whatever the case may be.

But hey, all the pp saying how dare the mother move in with an obvious abuser after only 5 weeks, must be so proud of there cushty lives as they’ve never stepped a foot wrong. (Likely hood is they have but fortunately it didn’t result in the same outcome it did for this poor mother &daughter).[/quote]
I have not had a cushty life. Which is precisely why I do not want my DS to go through the same.

If you allow your children to be abused, you are just as bad as the abuser. There is only one victim and it is the child.

Ugh what a scum bag and yes the mother played her part in this too. If you read some of the NSPCC’s serious case reviews you will see the same sorry tale over and over again. The mother put her new man first, he hurts the child and the mother covers up for him.

Abusive men can be so manipulative, especially if you grew up in an abusive home yourself. Events that would have un-manipulated people calling the police are explained away: YOU are actually the problem so if you tell anyone you will go to prison, not me. You can't survive without me. It wasn't that bad. If you just don't talk back to me, you won't make me angry. I'm sorry, I love you, let's go back to how it used to be.

I dob't know the details of this case but if you haven't been through it, you have no idea what it's like.

As a child I was given a concussion by my mum's boyfriend and lied to doctors because I fully believed it was my fault and if they found out what happened (how naughty I was) I would be taken away.

@Katya213

She watched him smacking, punishing her baby on a daily basis. Bizarre.

And for that she is responsible.

She WATCHED him

Daft cow!

Some women can only focus on having a man and it's the children who suffer. The mother is culpable. This man attacked the baby twice and she lied.

I've had very little money and it's only been my DS and I.

The deaths are so upsetting but you also have women every day putting a man or what they want first because they refuse to step up for their children. And its generational.

If a man stands by another man and watched him abuse women, he is deemed as culpable.

When a woman stands by and allows a man to hurt her child, we should have empathy for her.

Bollocks to that. Her child died because she made terrible choices despite knowing what kind of a man he was.

My empathy is reserved for the poor baby here.

That story is too horrific to read fully.

I always wonder about these cases, as a mum your instincts are to protect your child at all costs, no matter what.

Do women in those situations not have that instinct to start with, are there just uncaring mothers?
Do they have it but it diminishes over time living with a violent partner and self preservation becomes the priority?
Do they still have that instinct but are just too terrified/brain washed to act on it?

Either way these poor children suffer and pay ultimate price

@turnthebiglightoff

If a man stands by another man and watched him abuse women, he is deemed as culpable.

When a woman stands by and allows a man to hurt her child, we should have empathy for her.

Bollocks to that. Her child died because she made terrible choices despite knowing what kind of a man he was.

My empathy is reserved for the poor baby here.

Absolutely and I actually think it does women a big disservice to paint us as manipulated victims all the time.

@georgarina

Abusive men can be so manipulative, especially if you grew up in an abusive home yourself. Events that would have un-manipulated people calling the police are explained away: YOU are actually the problem so if you tell anyone you will go to prison, not me. You can't survive without me. It wasn't that bad. If you just don't talk back to me, you won't make me angry. I'm sorry, I love you, let's go back to how it used to be.

I dob't know the details of this case but if you haven't been through it, you have no idea what it's like.

As a child I was given a concussion by my mum's boyfriend and lied to doctors because I fully believed it was my fault and if they found out what happened (how naughty I was) I would be taken away.

You were a child. You didn't know any better. Your mother did, and as the adult, she should have protected you.

Mumsnet is so full of people who are so desperate not to judge. Maybe a little more judgement would save some of these poor children.
I think there needs to be more work looking into the different factors that cause people to turn their lives around. Like the people who have posted on here who want better for their kids than they experience. What helps them to succeed where others continue along the paths of their waste of space parents.

If she moved in because they were living in squalor (as suggested by a PP) then perhaps she should have given the baby to her father to look after her. There were probably lots of options other than moving her in with a man she barely knew

I think there needs to be more work looking into the different factors that cause people to turn their lives around. Like the people who have posted on here who want better for their kids than they experience. What helps them to succeed where others continue along the paths of their waste of space parents.

We know very well what’s needed to help people “turn their lives around”. It’s one of the most researched areas of practice, the reality is as a society we don’t want to pay for it. We’ll find services to put sticking plasters over gaping wounds, and we’ll sort of pay services to pick up the pieces when it’s all gone wrong but there’s no appetite to fund the long term, extensive multi-disciplinary services needed to help someone recover from a childhood of neglect and abuse.

It’s not lack of knowledge that’s the problem here.

Christ on a bike, this is horrendous. I hope the mother gets some support around her and someone to wobble her head... I hope other women will take note. You have to be pretty desperate to move in with someone after 5 weeks, but she didn't deserve this. I pray this mother will be OK 🙏🏾

It would be a cold day in hell before I watched anyone hurt my child and not immediately remove them and then want to rip that person apart with my bare hands.

My ex sil once slapped ds on the leg for touching her phone when he was just over a year old. The rage I felt towards her was immense and ex h never let her near ds again and still doesn’t speak to her 19 years on.

People like the mother in this situation, and Star Hobson's mother who let new partners harm their children (this poor baby was made to stand in stress positions like little Star was), are as much to blame as the people that killed them.

How you can stand by and watch anyone harm your child is just unimaginable to me.

I can’t understand how anyone can defend a person allowing their kid to be tortured and covering up for the torturer.

That news piece is full of self pity from the so called mother.

Poor, poor baby.

Unfortunately, the Star Hobson sentencing (although later revised) has started a precedent. The 'mothers' are able to claim that they were vulnerable and incapable to get off the hook while the obvious perpetrator shoulders 100% of the blame. Many people saw it coming.

I have made this point before (and it never went down well at all) but in the overwhelming majority of such cases, the parent hastily moves in with an abusive person whom they barely know which is a pretty compelling reason to keep adult relationships outside of the family home and take it extremely slowly (or otherwise, be held accountable for your choices further down the line if something bad happens).

Unless you have worked with people such as the Mother it is incredibly hard to understand why women put up with this behaviour.

Of course my real sadness is for the child but understanding why women don’t leave is important.

They feel worthless and many suffer from mental health issues. Some of their earlier lives are so far removed from normality it’s hard to get your head around their stories, If they wrote on MN their stories would often be described as works of fiction.

A woman I was involved with had been the child of a drug addicted prostitute, she ran away when some of the clients started abusing her with her Mothers consent. She had lost her dc and social services had made the correct call completely as she had no idea how to truly make them safe.

She was really a lovely woman but incapable of any kind of understanding of what risk was. She was effectively still an impulsive child herself. She was semi literate and lacked any critical thinking skills at all. She thought I was amazing because I had just given her the time of day. Obviously I had no agenda but she trusted me immediately because I had shown her a small amount of kindness.

When children have extremely traumatic childhoods it can affect their brain so badly so as to actually damage the structure. Some parts don't develop correctly. A psychotherapist friend said a brain scan of an extreme trauma victim can look different before and after therapy.

[quote babywalker56]@IncompleteSenten unfortunately I struggle to have any compassion and sympathy for women who put their young kids in these situations. There’s so much support out there to help build self esteem, help come back from abuse etc. When I read stories like this, I struggle to jump to ‘oh well the mum must have been some sort of victim to get into this situation’ because that isn’t always the case.

Who I do feel for is the baby. A baby that couldn’t defend herself is now dead at the hands of this horrible man. I can’t even speak on the man as I could genuinely write paragraphs. People like that make me sick and really deserve to rot[/quote]
I work for a service provider such as this.

We had a cross-agency meeting on Monday that focused on the sheer level of residual trauma and latent issues caused by experiences such as these, especially if they happen when young. There is a huge level of innate fear of strangers and their judgement, and we all shared experiences of how difficult it is to get them to engage, when to us, we're the good guys.

I and the other staff have various traumas in our past. Mine are relatively mild. We've still all spent the week all feeling drained, emotional, and unproductive because just meetings like this pick at old scars.

If you think it's as simple as googling the services and accessing them then I'm afraid you vastly underestimate the impact of trauma - it literally redraws how the growing brain risk assesses situations.

To add, my services mainly provide support to men who are both victims and perpetrators of this cycle of abuse. MN can be a bit one dimensional on the topic of male violence.

A little boy who's a victim of domestic abuse must be loved and supported, until he's about 14, then he tends to be described as a little scrote who should know better in spite of never knowing anything else.

@babywalker56

I also do not have any empathy whatsoever towards people that allow their child to be abused. Sorry

Completely agree.

I understand that women who allow their children to be abused have experienced childhood trauma, but so have abusers - like this piece of shit who killed little Nusayba.

You can’t use the excuse of a bad childhood for one, but not for the other.

The mother had known him five weeks and was leaving her baby with him unattended. Jesus Christ. Completely stupid. You can’t care about your child and aren’t fit to be a mother if you do that.
Bet the child was left unattended with the dogs too