Dos anyone feel as if their world has shrunk?

[Octopus37]

Think this is a combination of lockdown and age, kids getting older. I've been self-employed for years, go out and about, but also do some work from home. Kids are nearly 15 and 12. I've really noticed that my world has got a lot smaller just recently and tbh I'm embarrassed to admit this but I'm starting to worry about being lonely.

Re my work, I still need to be flexible for the following reasons. I'm well established with the self-employed work that I do, but I'm trying to get into a couple of other areas to increase my earning potential:

My DH works shifts, even though the kids are getting more independent, I'm still needed at times.
Because of my DH's shifts, if I was to take on a full-time job, I would see even less of him than I do already.
We have a dog, if I worked long days (cause DH's shifts are different all the time), we would need to employ someone to do the odd walk. My earning potential isnt great.
I have an elderly Dad who lives 200 miles away. He regularly comes down for a couple of weeks. Obviously I still work when he's down but don't feel I can be out all day every day.

Re activities and friendships:

Dont do the school run anymore so I dont see anyone
My younger DC doesn't do football anymore, the older one can take himself, so don't really see parents there. Both of these are great in some respects as they generate more time.
I have a handful of really good friends but I only see some of them sporadically, say once every few months, others I see more regularly. I've recently had a fall out with one close friend, I don't generally fall out with people , not going to say anymore cause it could be outing.

TBH I'm convincing myself that I'm some sort of wierd social misfit and I really feel that I've lost social confidence recently. I'm embarrassed by this and embarrassed posting this. I would have name changed if I knew how.

Just wondering if this is common at this stage of life. When I had my kids I met people to hang out with really easily and never suffered from that new Mum loneliness that you hear about. I dont know how common it is to just have a few friends that you see occasionally and no work colleagues. I've thought about doing some voluntary work, but I need my time to earn as much as I can, cannot have it both ways unfortunately.

I am also WFH with grown up DC, and I think this is very common at this stage of life. I too see my friends only sporadically-everybody is so busy.
I was going to suggest voluntary work but I see you can't do that. I have joined a book club which helps a lot, and also a walking group. I think group activities are better because you don't have to constantly try to set up a convenient time. Could you join something like that?

Yes, I've been thinking about joining a local book club. Evening would be better as it wouldn't get in the way of my work. I did sign up to a local group on facebook but have never gone, may take the plunge.

Nothing helpful to add OP other than I feel much of what you've described ... I see/hear how busy some peoples social lives are and feel a proper knobby no mates at times.

Interestingly though many of those people led more sheltered lives than me in their twenties and pre kids, my dad is ex forces and we travelled for years which I thrived on .., I was 18 when we settled in UK and I found the transition really difficult / trying to slot into friendship groups that had been the same for years was alien to me so I think my restless feet have added to my "never quite fitted in" feeling.

Also some of the people I at times envy for their great social and busy life seem to have some form of drama occurring at any one time I have some toxic extended family stuff and my mum suffers with depression (and refuses to do anything that may help her) which is exhausting to support but other than that life is fairly quiet.

And sometimes a quiet life can be a blessing.

I found coming off social media helped ENORMOUSLY

Lots of love OP ... MN is a great place for support and I can see you've already had some practical posts and more I'm sure will follow

@CaliforniaDrumming

I am also WFH with grown up DC, and I think this is very common at this stage of life. I too see my friends only sporadically-everybody is so busy. I was going to suggest voluntary work but I see you can't do that. I have joined a book club which helps a lot, and also a walking group. I think group activities are better because you don't have to constantly try to set up a convenient time. Could you join something like that?

Clubs ... yes agree. And that clean slate can be nice as your all together due to a shared interest (mum groups your sort of chucked together and you end up sticking for a while, almost obligated to if the kids get on ) and there's no baggage Yet!

Op, you have summed up my current life in a nutshell. My DC are similar ages, although I have 3. My life is so small compared to before covid.

No more school runs as youngest takes himself, so no 5 minute chats by the school gate.

Activities for DC are now just drop and go or drop and wait in car.

Virtually all my own activities from pre covid have stopped or altered so much that I don't fancy them, venue has closed, friends have stopped attending, etc.

So many friendships have just petered out, the ones that weren't really close but we'd see each other at activities and chat.

I feel just like you that my world is so small. I see one group of friends once a week and that's it. I have crafty hobbies but they are done at home. Life is so much more lonely post covid. Like I have to rebuild it again but DC are older and the way I made friends before doesn't work now, I don't have the same opportunities.

And I feel really strong inertia as well. I'm unhappy with things as they are, but don't know what to do about it and even when I think of what I would suggest to someone else, I just don't seem to follow through myself.

So no helpful suggestions there, but you're not alone.

Sport is great way to meet new people

www.gomammoth.co.uk/

I feel like this too.

I separated from exdh a year before lockdown. I lost a huge chunk of my social life because of that, not invited to couples things any more.used to meet my girl friends for dinners and drinks regularily but that has never come back since covid and lucky now if I get to meet one friend every 2 or 3 weeks for a coffee. My family of origin all live 200 miles away so yeah, I feel lonely and odd and feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everyone else who seems to have so much more social life and interaction than I do.

It is definitely the stage of life, and no need to be embarrassed about it op. You have posted in the right place.

My dc are 17,14 and 13 and they all have their own lives now, use the school bus and no longer need me very much (Apart from the basics and the odd hug and chat) It is a massive adjustment in my experience. Made worse by covid and the loss of so much we enjoyed.

I have lots of friends, but we struggle to find time to meet up but when we do it is great, but I can often feel more lonely afterwards oddly.

I feel it is deeper, we have lost our sense of community, neighbourly interaction. Passing chatter. People live in their own bubbles now. It creates a lonely atmosphere for everyone. I don't have the time or energy to commit to lots of thing either, so it is not like I can fit in lots of clubs etc. I am just too tired.

One thing that made a big difference to me was an afternoon course, I met lots of like minded people and it was so fun having that connection each week. Can you look at the local colleges and see if there is anything that interests you? I know all of my local shopkeepers, so that is always nice when I am passing to feel so welcome. I schedule in monthly meet ups with friends, and sometimes more often.

Transitioning from being constantly busy with little kids, to not busy at al with teens is at the root. It would be interesting to hear from those that are older and if it changes?

@notanothertakeaway I cannot do sport unfortunately. I have an eye problem and appalling hand/eye coordination. Thanks for the suggestion though.

@Lilifer that sounds really hard.

Agree about the drama aspect of a busy social life and also about staying off social media. I have to discipline myself with facebook, I can get a bit nosey and end up going on there but it never does any good, although its where I found out about the book club. I've decided to take the plunge and go next week. @tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz agree about the clean slate thing

I don't really have answers but I can identify. I too am self-employed working from home in a pretty full on job that doesn't give me much spare time - and now my kids don't need me to do the school run, and work meetings that used to happen face to face are now all online post-Covid, getting out and about seeing people is really difficult.
One of my friends is a much more social person than I am and one thing I have noticed is that she is much better than I am at making plans and constantly being in touch to arrange a walk or a coffee or whatever. I think when those casual interactions like the school run chats don't happen any more, it takes more effort to make things happen. I'm not good at it, because when people fail to respond or won't fix a time to meet, it makes me feel a bit rubbish, but I probably do need to make more of an effort and just be proactive in maintaining connections that I already have.

This is always the idea that you embrace the peace and quiet, the extra time to exercise, rest, sleep and chill.

My attitude is sometimes one of acceptance. Yes my life is not as busy and sociable as before, but now I have more 'me' time what do I want to do, how can I make this work. I would have killed for this time five years ago, or even three years ago, I craved for five minutes of peace when they were younger!

I wonder if this is a new chapter, a transition and change is not always easy. I find not having small children very sad, I love their chatter and company - that is a huge thing to leave our lives.

Yes I’m ticking these boxes too! Wfh, single parent, tween and teen kids. I lost contact with a lot of the social things ex was involved with and I have very little time for social stuff. When kids are overnight at their dads I’m usually catching up on work or just enjoying hobbies/relaxing at home, as I’m an introvert and need that too. I have done a few groups/social things but not really clicked with anyone and they ended up being a chore.

Recently I went to an author event which was in the city centre at 7.30pm, and I honestly felt weird and uncomfortable being in town in the evening in the dark, it was so unfamiliar. I used to go to gigs and clubs and roll around the city centre in the small hours in glad rags without a second thought!

I would like to get back to all that - but it’s just not where I am at the moment. Work, domestic stuff, parenting and enough self-care to stay sane take all my time.

l am the opposite, 53, two older teenagers and l just love the downtime, the peace and quiet. No rushing around like a headless chicken. l have been a widowed lone parent for 9 years now and had to manage everything myself, l have no desire to go to groups and make small talk with strangers or do stuff my heart isnt in just to prove l have a life. l have a handful of close friends l normally see at least one a week and l find that enough.
l think its a shame that people feel as though they are lacking or bored in their own company, or get no joy from being quiet and restful at home, l have alot of interests that keeps me busy at am never bored, l haven't had a tv for years l love reading and learning new things, surrounded by my beloved pets and beautiful garden l am more than content.

I know you said you can't do sport, but would something like horse riding or yoga appeal? I've found both very friendly environments.

My local yard does specific riding for adult beginner sessions that seem very well attended and there is shared comeraderie with

Sorry posted too soon!

Shared comeraderie with people all learning a new skill together. I have made many friends due to riding lessons, you just start chatting when someone does an exercise well/really badly and there's usually someone who suggests going for a drink after a lesson and on you go. (Rural pubs are used to smelly farmers/ riders/ rural workforce turning up and don't bat an eye)

YANBU at all, I feel all of the above and add into the mix the death of a much loved parent who I’d given over a lot of my life to looking after (not a complaint, just a fact) and I find I’m having to really make an effort to reach out to people again. A friend is kind of lost touch with is in the same position and also admitted how hard it feels.
Throw in a lack of confidence that I think a lot of people are feeling about their place in the world after the last couple of years and it all adds to the feeling

@Moonface123

l am the opposite, 53, two older teenagers and l just love the downtime, the peace and quiet. No rushing around like a headless chicken. l have been a widowed lone parent for 9 years now and had to manage everything myself, l have no desire to go to groups and make small talk with strangers or do stuff my heart isnt in just to prove l have a life. l have a handful of close friends l normally see at least one a week and l find that enough. l think its a shame that people feel as though they are lacking or bored in their own company, or get no joy from being quiet and restful at home, l have alot of interests that keeps me busy at am never bored, l haven't had a tv for years l love reading and learning new things, surrounded by my beloved pets and beautiful garden l am more than content.

Perhaps you feel that way because you see friends once a week? I see friends once every few months. I have moved around a lot and lost a lot of friends in the moves. Plus several have younger children or looking after aging parents. And London, so commuting takes time.

@Swayingpalmtrees I hear you on the acceptance and oh yes, I too would have killed for DS to stop talking only a few years ago. Now I am lucky if he talks to me once a week!

Perhaps reframing it as opportunity as opposed to loneliness might help?

You could try a new craft or hobby...you could find a coffee shop or a pub and become a regular- you'll get to know other regulars and could strike up conversation or friendship.

You could commit yourself to trying something out of your comfort zone once a month...

Or you could put your planning skills to the test and get some things in the diary for the next 18 months and co ordinate everyone from your friendship groups- so you have things to look forward to

I think it does get better, every life goes through different stages. We had a very insular family orientated few years for a variety of reasons to do with illness and stuff.

I started to think I was never going to get out and do things again.

I am, slowly, starting to do more. I joined a C25K group - i know you can't do sport - but it's the same principle of joining something with a purpose.

I'm going to look for a walking group and I'd like to find a book club...

I also go to a pub quiz with a mix of colleagues and people once a month. It gets me out of the house!

I am learning a new skill but it's an instrument, so currently it's just the teacher I see once a week - but I do intend to become good enough that it becomes something I can do with others later. It does get me out of the house and it's a great distraction from the general treadmill.

I've been feeling exactly like this myself OP. I'm 47, single, with DC in their early 20's (youngest still lives at home). I'm lucky to have a few very good friends who I see every couple of weeks or so, but in general I feel that my life has shrunk.

Since Covid I've been working from home and although I generally prefer this and it saves me a fortune in fuel, I do miss the day to day real life interaction with people. I used to do a lot of activities pre Covid but these all stopped during the pandemic and I've no desire to pick them up again. I go to yoga once a week and the gym twice a week.

Writing it down, it doesn't seem so bad, but I just feel like all the fun has been sucked out of life somehow.

Gosh I feel a lot like this and my DC ARE young. I've become more aware over the last few years that I am probably a bit socially anxious/an introvert. I'm fine with making small talk on the school run etc, but I feel like everyone else is probably "better" friends than I am with others; that they've established friendships etc and I haven't, excluding with one or two parents of my DC's friends who I've been for coffee with once or twice.

I've realised that my DP is also an introvert which I hadn't realised in our younger days when more socialising/alcohol was commonplace. Nothing wrong with either of us being introverts, but I think it means there's a definite risk of loneliness creeping in. My DP is very content with his own company and hobbies whereas I do get restless/bored.

I had DC slightly younger than my closest friends so many of them now have little babies or are pregnant, whereas I have pre-school and primary age DC. I didn't do NCT so didn't make many "mum" friends. My DC are also fairly introverted so I haven't made many friends through their friendships.

This thread has helped me OP as I can see it probably does get worse/more different as DC grow, so I will try and make more of a conscious effort.

I feel like this and I have no children, so I've got loads of time. All my friends from uni live scattered around and mostly have kids, so we see each other once a year if we're lucky. I had been making some friends at work but I live further away than everyone else and lockdown scuppered any plans we had. Club-wise, I live in a town with a older population so I find that most things run while I'm working (I tried the WI but Tuesday mornings aren't really good for full time workers). I am in an online book club. DH is exceptionally introverted (I have ASD - what a pair we make!) so no links through him. I think I need to join the gym again, but the last one was really unfriendly so it put me off.

Totally know the feeling. I’m on maternity leave though, I do go to classes and keep busy but I’m looking to the future when I have to decide whether to return to work in person (a job I hate but like some of the people) or continue with my new self employed business which means I’m working from home all day by myself. I genuinely enjoy it but have thought since I’m already an introvert it’s probably not the best for me 🤦🏼‍♀️ I started having the most random panic attacks in social situations 2 years ago just due to a lack of confidence and over thinking. It sounds totally daft! I had to take beta blockers to get through work, which is another reason I don’t want to have to go back and start taking them again but I’m trying to decide if that’s just me hiding away if I don’t return 🙈 what about a running club? Even if you can’t run, lots do beginners programs. The one thing that gives me satisfaction and enjoyment is running. I go to the parkrun every Saturday morning, everyone is really friendly and I train for 10ks, half marathons etc then get such a sense of achievement when I’ve done them

I am not sure I would start taking beta blockers to return to work, it would be healthier to stay at home and expand your horizons gently and carefully and in your own time/on your terms.

We are allowed to have quiet lives, it is not a sin to enjoy being at home and being low key. The social media angle makes people feel anxious for simply enjoying being able to relax at home - we all have to be doing something, meeting someone - living our best life. It is quite frankly exhausting and I am an extrovert!