Dos anyone feel as if their world has shrunk?

[Octopus37]

Think this is a combination of lockdown and age, kids getting older. I've been self-employed for years, go out and about, but also do some work from home. Kids are nearly 15 and 12. I've really noticed that my world has got a lot smaller just recently and tbh I'm embarrassed to admit this but I'm starting to worry about being lonely.

Re my work, I still need to be flexible for the following reasons. I'm well established with the self-employed work that I do, but I'm trying to get into a couple of other areas to increase my earning potential:

My DH works shifts, even though the kids are getting more independent, I'm still needed at times.
Because of my DH's shifts, if I was to take on a full-time job, I would see even less of him than I do already.
We have a dog, if I worked long days (cause DH's shifts are different all the time), we would need to employ someone to do the odd walk. My earning potential isnt great.
I have an elderly Dad who lives 200 miles away. He regularly comes down for a couple of weeks. Obviously I still work when he's down but don't feel I can be out all day every day.

Re activities and friendships:

Dont do the school run anymore so I dont see anyone
My younger DC doesn't do football anymore, the older one can take himself, so don't really see parents there. Both of these are great in some respects as they generate more time.
I have a handful of really good friends but I only see some of them sporadically, say once every few months, others I see more regularly. I've recently had a fall out with one close friend, I don't generally fall out with people , not going to say anymore cause it could be outing.

TBH I'm convincing myself that I'm some sort of wierd social misfit and I really feel that I've lost social confidence recently. I'm embarrassed by this and embarrassed posting this. I would have name changed if I knew how.

Just wondering if this is common at this stage of life. When I had my kids I met people to hang out with really easily and never suffered from that new Mum loneliness that you hear about. I dont know how common it is to just have a few friends that you see occasionally and no work colleagues. I've thought about doing some voluntary work, but I need my time to earn as much as I can, cannot have it both ways unfortunately.

I do get this. It’s not that I feel my world has shrunk, I just feel a bit in limbo. So I need to be around for my kid - I can’t just not be home, but at the same time they don’t need me, they just need me to be available. So here I am, hanging around, feeling ‘available’ and not really able to do anything else (and you guarantee the moment I do do anything else, they’ll find something they need!).

I know its the start of them having their independent life, and it is nice not to have watch my little pony or play hide and seek anymore, but I’m not a fan of the ‘on call’ nature. I suppose it will improve when I feel more comfortable leaving them in the evenings and actually can go out.

So I need to be around for my kid - I can’t just not be home, but at the same time they don’t need me, they just need me to be available. So here I am, hanging around, feeling ‘available’ and not really able to do anything else (and you guarantee the moment I do do anything else, they’ll find something they need!)

That's exactly it!

Older teenage parenting is like this. They don't need you as much, but it's not like you can just leave them home alone whenever you want. They still need you there, in the house. Ironically, it gets worse until A levels are over. They are locked in their rooms revising, doing homework etc (or hating their parent's company) but they need to know their parents are physically there in the home somewhere .So you stay home, but don't speak to them much, while also not doing anything much else. Can't see much of other people, can't do much of own activities, other than work. .
It is a very small narrow way of living, but it is also good parenting. There will be time for socialising and gadding about when they fly the nest.

@Comedycook

So I need to be around for my kid - I can’t just not be home, but at the same time they don’t need me, they just need me to be available. So here I am, hanging around, feeling ‘available’ and not really able to do anything else (and you guarantee the moment I do do anything else, they’ll find something they need!)

That's exactly it!

This is so true. I can leave mine but only for limited times, especially the younger one.

Thanks so much everyone for replying. In the nicest possible way, I'm relieved that it isn't just me. I am a massive introvert, but think lockdown etc has allowed me to get a bit too comfortable with this if that makes sense.

I am going to take on board some of the suggestions. I've never been scared of doing things on my own, eg went to the cinema on my own a few weeks agao, I'm just hating the loss of social confidence.

I've signed up to the book club meet next week and bought the book they are reading this morning. A bit nervous but I'm going to give it a go.

I might also try a yoga class or similar, there's a studio just down the road to me. Will have to look at prices.

I totally get the wanting peace and quiet cause I felt like that for years. I still really need down time but also want a bit more interaction, know how contrary that sounds.

@fixyourfences

Older teenage parenting is like this. They don't need you as much, but it's not like you can just leave them home alone whenever you want. They still need you there, in the house. Ironically, it gets worse until A levels are over. They are locked in their rooms revising, doing homework etc (or hating their parent's company) but they need to know their parents are physically there in the home somewhere .So you stay home, but don't speak to them much, while also not doing anything much else. Can't see much of other people, can't do much of own activities, other than work. . It is a very small narrow way of living, but it is also good parenting. There will be time for socialising and gadding about when they fly the nest.

Do you mean you can't go out at all or just for a long period? Surely you can go shopping, do an exercise class, get your hair done?

Google NWR group local to you.
I moved 14 months ago to a new county and my kids are all grown up.
When I first joined it was during Covid so 1st meetings were on zoom but now I meet up with a group for cinema, coffee, days out.
It was tough taking the initial step but I'm so glad I did and it's been a life changer.

Prompted by this thread, I messaged an elusive friend I hadn;t seen for a while and suggested an exhibition. And we have agreed on a date to meet. 3 weeks from now, but I will take it:) I think one just has to be very persistent and those of us who are natural born organisers have to organise ( even though I often wish someone else would).

I have a teen DS doing A levels and he is very happy for me to leave the house for hours and see anyone I want. I am not capable of helping him with his homework anyway.

Well done @CaliforniaDrumming , yes its good if you are somebody who is an organiser.

Guess it depends on what type of kid we are allocated in the lottery of life. They have different needs. No one-fits-all parenting applies. Doesn't make one a better or worse parent to be needed or not needed by an older teenager.
I was just concurring with the pp who said it was like being in limbo.

@Eeksteek

I do get this. It’s not that I feel my world has shrunk, I just feel a bit in limbo. So I need to be around for my kid - I can’t just not be home, but at the same time they don’t need me, they just need me to be available. So here I am, hanging around, feeling ‘available’ and not really able to do anything else (and you guarantee the moment I do do anything else, they’ll find something they need!).

I know its the start of them having their independent life, and it is nice not to have watch my little pony or play hide and seek anymore, but I’m not a fan of the ‘on call’ nature. I suppose it will improve when I feel more comfortable leaving them in the evenings and actually can go out.

Oh my gosh you've hit the nail on the head! I feel like I'm sort of in a waiting room half the time, which is why I piss around on my phone so much!

Plus my DD will be monosyllabic all afternoon/evening, but then desperately need to tell me a detailed story of something that happened at school when I'm trying to serve up some complicated meal!

Yes to the waiting room analogy! DS is 13 and is mountain biking mad. He goes with his friends, sometimes they're an hour, sometimes they're gone all day. I feel like I need to be on standby in case he has an accident (which has happened in the past). I do lots of pottering about the house!

I feel exactly like this too. Mid forties, moved to a new part of the UK just before first lockdown, have a teen dc, wfh and know absolutely no one here after two years apart from dh and dc. Well, I guess I know a couple of the school mums to say hello to, and a couple of neighbours to pass pleasantries with, but that’s it.

Have friends back in my hometown but only see them every few months. It’s a bit lonely, but I worry more that I’m getting too used to being solitary and that I’m losing my confidence socially and losing the desire to be sociable at all. It is not good that I am happier in my bubble. I don’t think it’s healthy. Even my hobbies are solo - piano and painting. I do feel like the last two years has sucked the life and fun out of me quite a bit.

I get this OP and it is why I spend a few days a week in the office. WFH has many advantages but it is very isolating. I realise this is not an option for you.

@Lilifer

I feel like this too.

I separated from exdh a year before lockdown. I lost a huge chunk of my social life because of that, not invited to couples things any more.used to meet my girl friends for dinners and drinks regularily but that has never come back since covid and lucky now if I get to meet one friend every 2 or 3 weeks for a coffee. My family of origin all live 200 miles away so yeah, I feel lonely and odd and feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everyone else who seems to have so much more social life and interaction than I do.

I hear you.

I was just getting my life back together following divorce at the end of 2018 - in my own place after 2 years of living with family, hoping to develop my career and start dating.

January 2019 my elderly dad had a catastrophic fall and broke his back in four places, he made a recovery of sorts but was never quite the same and two weeks into the first Covid lockdown he was declared 'end of life'.

We opted to keep him at home because of the risks and lack of visiting, thinking it would be for a few months. He passed 15 months later in May of last year,

I had to give up my job to care for him and support my mum, and spend much of my time largely self-isolating to protect them.

DD is now 17 and recovering her social life, meanwhile I'm unemployed, menopausal, overweight and have no money or social life.

I know a lot of it is things I need to work on to change but I feel so tired and deflated and overwhelmed I just don't know who I am anymore or how to put the pieces back together.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty oh I am really sorry, that is such a tough situation that you have been in for the last couple of years. You have had to put your life on hold for your parents and endure isolation too, which has compounded that stress. And not to mention the fact of going through a divorce which in itself is a massive trauma to a person.

Do remember all you have been through and it is entirely normal that you feel somewhat beaten down by life after the last few years, you are not alone in that. Be kind to yourself and take it slowly, you'll emerge from this in time, and you'll get things back on track, but give yourself the time to heal a bit, take it in small steps. I wish you love and luck and health ❤️

@Lilifer thank you .

It all feels like a vicious circle that needs unpicking and straightening out atm but I have finally accepted that it will be have to be done with baby steps, as you suggest, which is progress from my usual 'I kust do everything at once...oh I can't...I give up' approach!

Like you I don't have any family who I can lean on/socialise with and nearly all my friends are married so have couple/family commitments.

I'm seeing a wellbeing mentor monthly atm, and start HRT in a couple of weeks so hoping that will make me feel a bit more focused and able to tackle things.

I'm sure we'll both get there eventually...it's just so easy to underestimate how much effort and energy it takes.

YANBU. I don't miss the school run itself but I do miss a few faces I used to see regularly to chat to. Because of Covid everyone just disappeared at the end of primary school two years ago, we had no party or catch ups, so had things been "normal" there would have been more drinks and other events to see people regularly.

I am making an effort to make more local friends though - I now have two different friends I go to classes with. I'm always someone who is happy in my own company but I do need, like and miss people as well - the last two years has shown me that more than anything.

And sometimes DDs and I all go to the gym together. So at least I'm ferrying them about but getting something out of it myself!

@Arcadia sounds as if you've got a lot on your plate, nothing worse than a child being unhappy at school, my DS1 was like this in year 7, was so hard. Hope your GP appointment was productive.

Sorry posted too sonn @VeryMuchFlaggingMinty I agree that baby steps is the way to go.

I can SO relate OP! I don't have kids but a few years ago I moved back to my home town to care for my dad who had dementia. It was very lonely and isolating and in some ways, harder than the lockdown. He's since passed away but I've not worked for so long I feel unemployable. I have made some progress in having a social scene as I joined a women's group, host a book club, do Zumba and a weekly art class. Worse thing tho, is finding someone to do things, like holidays and music festivals as friends are busy and have familues. Last week I went to a concert by myself as it was a singer I really wanted to see. It was great to be out, but I did feel a bit sad seeing all the couples and groups of friends all out and having fun. However I'm just trying to focus on what I do have and what I can control right now, I've wasted too much of my life in self pity!

Join the WI, people are friendly, it's interesting and very varied so will be fun for all. It's not all jam and Jerusalem anymore!

[quote Octopus37]@Arcadia sounds as if you've got a lot on your plate, nothing worse than a child being unhappy at school, my DS1 was like this in year 7, was so hard. Hope your GP appointment was productive.[/quote]
Thanks OP. Ironically have kept missing the GP because they tried calling me three hours after they said they would and I was dealing with an urgent issue at work so couldn't speak, they said they'd call back later but didn't. It's just created more stress!
DD has had meetings with two different senior staff members yesterday and today, who have told her different things, so we're all totally confused now!
So hard to get hold of anyone for a proper conversation about an issue, the depersonalisation in society (can't just call a human anymore - automated phone lines,online booking systems etc) is really getting me down as well!

OP I am very similar to you, kids the same age, self employed and work from home, and yep my social circle has diminished quite significantly. I don't have family around either.

Probably doesn't help that I gave up alcohol a couple of years ago too, so a good friend of mine has now distanced herself (I think) because of that. She was (is) a heavy drinker.

I do think it's a combination of kids getting older / no school runs / less kids 'activities' / peri-menopause / pandemic - it's nice to know that there are others feeling the same and I'm not the only social misfit (or at least feeling like it!).

Where are you based OP? I am always up for a walk / coffee etc if you are this neck of the woods (likewise anyone else who is in a similar position).

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty you're welcome 😊It sounds like you're already on the right path with your mentor, I myself have started a degree course and it's really made a difference to my mood. I have my good and bad days, life can be so stressful but we just have to hang in there because it will get better, I absolutely believe that 💕

How's everyone doing. I didn't make it to the book club cause I've got a horrible lurgy. Such a shame, cause I loved the book. Not giving up though, I will go next month.