Dos anyone feel as if their world has shrunk?

[Octopus37]

Think this is a combination of lockdown and age, kids getting older. I've been self-employed for years, go out and about, but also do some work from home. Kids are nearly 15 and 12. I've really noticed that my world has got a lot smaller just recently and tbh I'm embarrassed to admit this but I'm starting to worry about being lonely.

Re my work, I still need to be flexible for the following reasons. I'm well established with the self-employed work that I do, but I'm trying to get into a couple of other areas to increase my earning potential:

My DH works shifts, even though the kids are getting more independent, I'm still needed at times.
Because of my DH's shifts, if I was to take on a full-time job, I would see even less of him than I do already.
We have a dog, if I worked long days (cause DH's shifts are different all the time), we would need to employ someone to do the odd walk. My earning potential isnt great.
I have an elderly Dad who lives 200 miles away. He regularly comes down for a couple of weeks. Obviously I still work when he's down but don't feel I can be out all day every day.

Re activities and friendships:

Dont do the school run anymore so I dont see anyone
My younger DC doesn't do football anymore, the older one can take himself, so don't really see parents there. Both of these are great in some respects as they generate more time.
I have a handful of really good friends but I only see some of them sporadically, say once every few months, others I see more regularly. I've recently had a fall out with one close friend, I don't generally fall out with people , not going to say anymore cause it could be outing.

TBH I'm convincing myself that I'm some sort of wierd social misfit and I really feel that I've lost social confidence recently. I'm embarrassed by this and embarrassed posting this. I would have name changed if I knew how.

Just wondering if this is common at this stage of life. When I had my kids I met people to hang out with really easily and never suffered from that new Mum loneliness that you hear about. I dont know how common it is to just have a few friends that you see occasionally and no work colleagues. I've thought about doing some voluntary work, but I need my time to earn as much as I can, cannot have it both ways unfortunately.

I think

I found this when I became a SAHM and even now I know my life is a lot smaller than it used to be. I push myself to get involved with things. But I also acknowledge that a quieter life suits me better.
I’m a member of a book club on Facebook that meets in person. If anyone wants to come along that hasn’t before, we will arrange for someone to meet them outside and come in with them to make it less daunting (if they want). Honestly I’m sure if you post you’d like to come along but feel nervous, someone will reassure you. I’ve become great friends with women I’d never have crossed paths with normally and it’s been one of the best decisions I made.

I remember this stage too - I'm now in my 60s and happily retired. My advice would be to join a club but allow yourself to change your mind if you don't like it. I tried a few things before I found something that felt right for me. Then one of my new class mates recommended another group that she went to and thought I'd like. I now have a nice mix of family, friends, group activities and, most importantly, time to read books and faff about online!

I know my world has shrunk - it started to happen when we moved house - my two older dses were at senior school, and ds3 went into P7 (the final year of primary school in Scotland), and didn't want me to take him to school - he was happy to walk - so I missed out on making friends at the school gate. We'd moved up from Essex, so all my old friends were far too far away to see them.

I joined some things to make friends - an art class, a choir, a knitting group, but the only one of those that I've carried on with is the weekly knitting group.

Add to that the fact that I am in my late 50s and much heavier than I should be - plus the fact that I had covid last year and have long covid now, so can't walk any distance or do much without getting breathless, and my world has pretty much shrunk to the house and garden.

I stay in touch with the outside world via FB and MN, and I do go to a monthly book group - but the rest of the time I spend reading, watching TV and knitting or embroidering.

I am definitely an introvert, so I find it very hard to push myself into new situations, and even before covid and the first lockdown, my world was pretty small, and I didn't actually feel my life changed a whole lot when we did get locked down. Dh worked from home all the way through the pandemic, and still does mostly wfh, so I have company in the house.

It's become a bit of a vicious circle for me - I'm breathless and exhausted, so I can't do much, and that makes it very hard to lose weight, which in turn means I gain weight, and that makes any activity even harder - even a potter round the shops or a short walk with dh, so I struggle even more to lose any weight - and round and round it goes.

I am hoping that, now the nicer weather is coming, I can persuade dh and ds3 (who is now living with us and wfh too) to eat more salads - if I can have a few months of lots of salad/veg with lean protein, maybe I can finally reverse the trend and get a bit better.

Sorry - that has turned into a bit of a pity party.

Once a month push yourself to do something you haven’t done before. Like book a paddle board session, take the train to London and go to the Royal Academy, bake scones, take the dog on a new walk, read poetry instead of a novel etc. It doesn’t have to be with someone, you can do this on your own.
HTH

@BuddhaAtSea

Once a month push yourself to do something you haven’t done before. Like book a paddle board session, take the train to London and go to the Royal Academy, bake scones, take the dog on a new walk, read poetry instead of a novel etc. It doesn’t have to be with someone, you can do this on your own. HTH

I am in London and go to a lot of art galleries, gigs and plays on my own and with DH. I sometimes try to set up dates with friends but it's always too complicated working out schedules and venues, so I do them on my own now.

@Octopus37

Yes, I've been thinking about joining a local book club. Evening would be better as it wouldn't get in the way of my work. I did sign up to a local group on facebook but have never gone, may take the plunge.

Google meet ups. Lots of local groups for particular hobbies and socialising

I understand this feeling completely OP. My DC are similar ages and whilst their independence is great - and there are certain aspects of lower primary school that I absolutely do not miss - there is definitely a sense of greater isolation, and it's harder to arrange social things. In theory it shouldn't be harder at all but it's so easy to just put off initiating social interactions and the longer you put them off the harder it is to re-initiate them!

My saviour has been getting a job that can't really be done from home (school office - I have to be in school) which has automatically widened my social circle. I'm in school every day and there's a lot of contact with both children and adults which has been brilliant. And some natural friendships with colleagues have evolved even if I don't actually socialise with them out of school.

You are honestly not a social misfit, I think a lot of women feel this at this stage of life.

I feel like this too op. My DC’s are mid/late teens and although I’ve met many of their friends’ parents I never meet them socially. I do feel like a social misfit, made worse by my DC’s often pointing out that I have few to no friends. I’m a single mum and wfh at the moment with some but very limited contact with colleagues at work, so do feel very isolated. I walk my dog daily and sometimes stop to chat to other dog walkers so I know I can be sociable but these interactions, although pleasant, never lead to anything more. When I was married we were always throwing dinner parties, visiting friends but this doesn’t happen anymore. As a single person I rarely get invited to anything like that. Not sure if people in general do that sort of thing less since Covid.

I separated from exdh a year before lockdown. I lost a huge chunk of my social life because of that, not invited to couples things any more @Lilifer

When I was married we were always throwing dinner parties, visiting friends but this doesn’t happen anymore. As a single person I rarely get invited to anything like that. Not sure if people in general do that sort of thing less since Covid @Shostaklovhich

To both of you - I think most people are socialising a lot less than pre-Covid. My DP has discovered his inner introvert and now has limited enthusiasm for socialising. And my DS (now teenager) just wants to stay home and watch TV

I feel the same. Pre covid I was in the thick of school runs, play dates, activities etc. Now DS is 13 and all that gas stopped. I work in a very small team, weekly I speak to about 4 or 5 different people (including family). I have friends but we're spread around the country. Locally I only had mum friends and they've all vanished now the kids are secondary age. I also have a lot of health problems which makes my world even smaller.

I'm kind of OK with it all though, I like a simple, quiet life. I think we're programmed to think we should have masses of friends and be busy all the time.

This is exactly how I feel! Really glad I read this. My DD (only child) has started secondary school and I never see other parents now. People I thought were friends have turned out to just be acquaintances. Relatives mainly live elsewhere in the country. DD hates secondary school so is miserable too. Casual acquaintances and some activities I used to do have petered out. I'm unhappy with my DP as well, partly because he is happy to be anti social as he is far quieter than me. My Best friend is about to go abroad for some time and I'm worried how I'll cope without her.
I am lucky with friendly neighbours and work colleagues (I work in an office), but am feeling ashamed of my lack of friendship network and social life.
Throw in a stressful job, post Covid tiredness, anxiety about Russia/Ukraine, sleeping badly, and I feel really unhappy.
I've got a GP appointment tomorrow but not sure what a ten minute telephone call with a locum GP I've never met will do to help me?!

I have felt like this lately! Noticed you have a dog .Could you take him out at a similar time each day? I have done this and seen the same people each time gradually built up a little group .Have seen one lady socially .Been really nice .I think we are fed a sort of drip drip by the Media and SM esp .Not everyone has a big family , and many friends who are avaliable . I have a really good friend who I see most weeks .others are working FT so not about so much. Its not just you!

The other thing is my DD 12 now finds me embarrassing in social situations so if I try and chat to someone she will try and cut me off or tell me afterwards that I was really embarrassing. It's really effecting my confidence TBH.

Also we used to hang out with other families while kids played together, but that doesn't really work with this age group.

DiD must feel it too as she constantly asks for a dog or a sibling, so I also feel guilty!

Also, what do you do with people! I've spent the last 10+ years at soft play, the park, trampolining, trips to the petting farm etc. All really easy social environments. You chat, the kids are a constant source of conversation, they interrupt, you take them to the toilet, buy an ice cream, join in on the slide. It's all good fun, casual, relaxed. What do you do when all that stops? Sit opposite eachother nursing a cup of tea for an hour? I hate one on one conversation like that, too much pressure to keep things flowing. Pre kids it was all nightclubs and getting pissed but that doesn't work now either (those friends have all spread out across the UK and have DC much younger than mine).

I feel lost between the mum years and retirement. I think being an OAP might suit me better. I can imagine going to a luncheon club for a game of bingo or a gentle game of bowling or aqua aerobics. Maybe I'll just enjoy these middle years being quiet at home, saving my money and then I'll throw myself into the OAP social scene once I'm retired.

@Habitatty282

Also, what do you do with people! I've spent the last 10+ years at soft play, the park, trampolining, trips to the petting farm etc. All really easy social environments. You chat, the kids are a constant source of conversation, they interrupt, you take them to the toilet, buy an ice cream, join in on the slide. It's all good fun, casual, relaxed. What do you do when all that stops? Sit opposite eachother nursing a cup of tea for an hour? I hate one on one conversation like that, too much pressure to keep things flowing. Pre kids it was all nightclubs and getting pissed but that doesn't work now either (those friends have all spread out across the UK and have DC much younger than mine).

I feel lost between the mum years and retirement. I think being an OAP might suit me better. I can imagine going to a luncheon club for a game of bingo or a gentle game of bowling or aqua aerobics. Maybe I'll just enjoy these middle years being quiet at home, saving my money and then I'll throw myself into the OAP social scene once I'm retired.

This is why I like book clubs. You skip small talk and go straight to the big questions: apartheid, colonialism, immigration.....:) On the bright side, I am very glad not to talk about DC any more. After 20 plus yrs of parenting, I can barely muster up interest in my own DC, let alone other people's DC!

Interesting thread.

I was looking forward to having more time to myself when my children got older. I now have lots of time but due to menopausal anxiety and insomnia I have no inclination.

Add in the changes due to covid and my life is very different to how I thought it would be.

My dc are 11 and 14 and I can totally relate! I find my dc are still very dependent on me, albeit in a different way to when they were tiny. It's a bit of a weird time.

One of mine is gone, one going and I live in a different country from my family and friends. But I am an introvert and love the impending freedom to potter as I wish after 25 years of servitude. If I have something on at the weekend, it spoils the weekend for me. My dh jokes that we moved away from our home country to embrace social distancing and it is not too far away from the truth😂

I am planning a Thelma and Louise moment to rediscover myself.

I have noticed even very sociable friends of ours are not any longer. I am not sure it is a single or married thing, across the board people are much more reluctant than they were to commit. Many of us are exhausted after covid, burnt out from the effort of keeping it all going - or simply not interested in putting in any effort. I have seen it so much with my own friends. Many of us are really not the people we were!

Lots of dinners are cancelled at the last minute because of covid, and then people are reluctant to reschedule for the same thing to happen. Another friend had a birthday lunch, invited 20 and only 4 turned up on the day. For those of us that like to organise things it is disheartening and embarrassing to be in that position.

Life HAS changed for everyone, it really has. It is not just our age.

I only have a few close friends really and don't socialise much with colleagues but that is how ai prefer it as I like keeping work a little separate from my social life
But then I love a good netflix series and glass wine
Plus my parents now live close by so I spend time with them also

But covid has played a huge part in not seeing friends so much as even if we have plans someone has ended up with covid or their child so its been postponed again and again

[quote Octopus37]@notanothertakeaway I cannot do sport unfortunately. I have an eye problem and appalling hand/eye coordination. Thanks for the suggestion though.

@Lilifer that sounds really hard.

Agree about the drama aspect of a busy social life and also about staying off social media. I have to discipline myself with facebook, I can get a bit nosey and end up going on there but it never does any good, although its where I found out about the book club. I've decided to take the plunge and go next week. @tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz agree about the clean slate thing[/quote]
Local yoga or Pilates? It doesn’t matter if you’re awful and the teacher comes round to help you anyway. Great way to meet local people and good for your body and mind.

@Swayingpalmtrees

I am planning a Thelma and Louise moment to rediscover myself.

I have noticed even very sociable friends of ours are not any longer. I am not sure it is a single or married thing, across the board people are much more reluctant than they were to commit. Many of us are exhausted after covid, burnt out from the effort of keeping it all going - or simply not interested in putting in any effort. I have seen it so much with my own friends. Many of us are really not the people we were!

Lots of dinners are cancelled at the last minute because of covid, and then people are reluctant to reschedule for the same thing to happen. Another friend had a birthday lunch, invited 20 and only 4 turned up on the day. For those of us that like to organise things it is disheartening and embarrassing to be in that position.

Life HAS changed for everyone, it really has. It is not just our age.

I find this a lot. I have stopped making plans of any significance for this reason. My big birthday a few years ago (before Covid!) just seemed to be one let down after another. So now I do things on a very small scale and if people want to join that’s a bonus.

Slightly different circumstances for me as my children are adults who boomering around a bit. I am looking at retirement in a couple of years and dread it. I love my work and it gives me a real focus but I am increasingly aware that I have nothing else to talk about.
All this was exacerbated when my DM and other extended family died a few years ago. Suddenly I was on the front line and the friends and family network that my DM held together as the glue started to diminish. I vowed to do something about this in 2020 and that went out of the window. Now I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 4, and that I have nothing much to offer. I have a handful of good friends but sometimes I really have to talk myself into making, and keeping, plans with them.