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Original poster

Managing frustration with ignorant/unintelligent relatives

153 replies

Tamworth123 · 30/03/2022 00:27

This sounds terrible, I know.

I am struggling to manage my frustration and anger with close relatives who tend towards ignorance (and do pretty much nothing to change it), yet are very opinionated and verbose.

This crystallised recently when I found out that a. one of them failed to provide reassuring and useful information to other relatives going through something terrible; because they cannot grasp the basics of the subject, and have never really bothered to try (a family genetic illness/disease), and the only reason the couple were facing that in the first place was because another relative (whose behaviour mirrors my close relative;s) failed to understand & take appropriate action re. the disease i.e. testing.

Several years ago my close relative also heavily discouraged me from sharing information, seekng information and encouraging other family members to get tested, and apparently still holds that view ... despite a youg child's life now being affected by the lack of discussion, info. sharing and encouraging people to get tested. (Yes, that branch of the family may still have chosen not to, but at least we would have done our best to try).

It was obvious during the discussion taht my close relatives still have little to no grasp/understanding of the basics, still believe misinformation, and have not made any apparent effort to learn; even while they knew this was going on (and one hid it from me because she knew my views).

I know a lot of it is genuine inability to understand .... how do I manage my anger & frustration at something which I suppose is not their faults?

OP posts:
PaperTyger · 30/03/2022 00:35

Op no advice but relative's are a funny thing..I can't stand most of mine

Original poster
Tamworth123 · 30/03/2022 00:45

On top of barely managing not to lose my temper during a Mother's day lunch about this; it is the latest in a line of things that is affecting my feelings (it's making them quite negative) towards these close relatives; I may as well specify, it's my Mum and one of my sisters.

They are very good hearted and kind in many ways; how do I reconcile that with the level of anger, frustration and dislike their behaviour, like above, causes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tamworth123 · 30/03/2022 00:50

@PaperTyger

Op no advice but relative's are a funny thing..I can't stand most of mine
Are they close relatives?

I know some people on MN go no contact or low contact.

But they are kind and good hearted in many ways. And they do a good bit for and with my child.

(Also, of my two other closest relatives, one is in another country and the other is estranged).

OP posts:
Ozanj · 30/03/2022 00:55

My mum was like this about a genetic illness that runs in my family. She isn’t uneducated, far from it, but she is thick and a conspiracy theorist. Ultimately I used shame to get her to do the right thing - I told her if she didn’t get tested and the baby got it I would tell everyone she knew it was her fault, that it was her family he got it from, and she would never see any of my kids again. So she did get tested. On the opposite end of the spectrum my mil isn’t educated past year 6 (equiv) but understood exactly why the test was needed and got the test arranged the very next day from us telling her about it.

AuntTwacky · 30/03/2022 00:57

So judgemental

Original poster
Tamworth123 · 30/03/2022 01:01

@Ozanj

My mum was like this about a genetic illness that runs in my family. She isn’t uneducated, far from it, but she is thick and a conspiracy theorist. Ultimately I used shame to get her to do the right thing - I told her if she didn’t get tested and the baby got it I would tell everyone she knew it was her fault, that it was her family he got it from, and she would never see any of my kids again. So she did get tested. On the opposite end of the spectrum my mil isn’t educated past year 6 (equiv) but understood exactly why the test was needed and got the test arranged the very next day from us telling her about it.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with the worry/risk of a genetic illness.

And sorry you had to del with someone like your Mum, it's both ridiculous, angering & sad that you had to blackmail her into doing the decent, sensible thing.

In my relatives defence, they are not educated.
But then imho education and intelligence, and desire to learn are not mutually exclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tamworth123 · 30/03/2022 01:08

There also seems to be such a lack of .... (?) joined up thinking, initiative .. I don't kwno quite how to capture it.

When they became aware what this couple were going through re. diagnosis (via the females Mum & Granny) they could have tld either of them to contact the members of the fanily who suffer from the disease (they would be second cousins) or even asked me to put them in contact (we live very near one), they are good people and would have been willing to speak to them, shared information, much of which would have been reassuring ... yet the thought never entered their head; I just don't get it.
It make me want to tear my hair out.

OP posts:
AuntTwacky · 30/03/2022 01:10

I don't really understand your problem, why didn't you tell your mum and sister this or sort the problem yourself

AuntTwacky · 30/03/2022 01:11

Calling your close family ignorant is out of order

Fraaahnces · 30/03/2022 01:16

I wonder why they don’t want to know…. Surely knowledge is power. Do they think you’re courting trouble if you know too much? (Superstitious?) I recently discovered that I have Ehler’s-Danlos Syndrome. The first thing I did was book all of my kids in to have their hearts scanned. (They’re all good so far, but I need surgery.)

Yellowleadbetter · 30/03/2022 01:17

Ultimately it’s down to you to manage your feelings, thoughts and behaviour around the subject isn’t it.
Accept that this is how it is, you are unable to change any of it or influence it.
Either avoid all conversations around the subject with these people or reduce contact with them to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.

You risk cutting off completely if you loose ypur composure with them.

Sympathies with this, I’m in a very similar boat except for if I posted about it on here, I would be ripped to shreds. (See the “judgemental “ comment above)

blueshoes · 30/03/2022 01:20

I think many people - I'd say majority - lack critical thinking skills or the ability to research and process complicated facts or think logically . This includes so-called professional people.

Your relatives are not unusual. So sad they won't even try to understand especially when it affects a child.

MangyInseam · 30/03/2022 01:47

If they are good people in general, I think what you have to hold in your own mind is that they aren't acting out of spite or trying to make things worse. For some reason, this is what makes sense to them. It may be kind of a crazy or emotional reason, which is why it makes no sense to you, but people rarely do things for no reason at all. It's still frustrating but less angering.

Have you asksed them directly about it?

5zeds · 30/03/2022 01:56

Do you really think you know better than them how to manage their lives?

RedHelenB · 30/03/2022 03:36

@Ozanj

My mum was like this about a genetic illness that runs in my family. She isn’t uneducated, far from it, but she is thick and a conspiracy theorist. Ultimately I used shame to get her to do the right thing - I told her if she didn’t get tested and the baby got it I would tell everyone she knew it was her fault, that it was her family he got it from, and she would never see any of my kids again. So she did get tested. On the opposite end of the spectrum my mil isn’t educated past year 6 (equiv) but understood exactly why the test was needed and got the test arranged the very next day from us telling her about it.
That is awful conduct towards your mum. You sound as ignorant as you claim she is, blackmailing her like that.
fallfallfall · 30/03/2022 03:55

when it comes to genetic illnesses and the future (degenerative disease, uncomfortable death) many people don't want to know. many want their head to be firmly in the sand. it's really not ignorant. i believe it's even an option when family testing is done.

echt · 30/03/2022 04:29

@Ozanj

My mum was like this about a genetic illness that runs in my family. She isn’t uneducated, far from it, but she is thick and a conspiracy theorist. Ultimately I used shame to get her to do the right thing - I told her if she didn’t get tested and the baby got it I would tell everyone she knew it was her fault, that it was her family he got it from, and she would never see any of my kids again. So she did get tested. On the opposite end of the spectrum my mil isn’t educated past year 6 (equiv) but understood exactly why the test was needed and got the test arranged the very next day from us telling her about it.
And.....?
Aria999 · 30/03/2022 04:32

@AuntTwacky

Calling your close family ignorant is out of order
Even if it's true?

Though it is a bit hard to understand as the specifics are veiled in mystery.

Trainbear · 30/03/2022 07:38

Difficult to say without knowing the condition, but I think a lot of people faced with the reality of the fact that a medical condition, which is passed to future generations can be stoped by not having a child is hard. The feeling that "someone will invent a cure" and "I just want a baby" overrides rationality and logic.
Common sense and logic is not tied to academic success.

Yellowleadbetter · 30/03/2022 08:47

I think op that you are expressing how difficult it is to be a by stander watching an awful situation unfold which you know could be made better with education and information.
I get you.
This is hard, very very hard and you are clearly frustrated.

Kukdoos · 30/03/2022 09:23

This reply has been deleted

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incognitoforthisone · 30/03/2022 09:39

Calling your close family ignorant is out of order

They literally are ignorant, though. Is the OP meant to pretend otherwise just because she's related to them?

SheWoreYellow · 30/03/2022 09:43

@AuntTwacky

Calling your close family ignorant is out of order
Ignorant means an unwillingness to learn. Many people use it as an insult, but that’s the actual meaning. Why can’t the OP observe that about her family?
Deliaskis · 30/03/2022 09:46

I don't necessarily think it's always a case of people being ignorant or unintelligent, it's people shaping their behaviours and actions around completely different priorities, for example their own need to have everybody think everything is just fine. I get frustrated that SIL and MIL won't pursue screening and potential diagnosis for ASD and related conditions for DNephew. He is clearly neuro-diverse in some way, school have recommended that they should follow this up, but MIL and SIL won't give permission or pursue any of it because they 'don't want a label' and as he's now in Y5 and it is becoming clear that he is struggling in a range of ways, they choose to blame 'that Miss x who never liked him' or 'that Mrs y who made him read those baby books' etc. Anything but to acknowledge that he might have needs that they don't understand, and that are not being met.

I don't necessarily think they are unintelligent or ignorant, but they are refusing to see the impact of their closed minded approach to it, because they think they know best, and for them, the worst thing for DNephew would be for people to know he has something 'wrong' with him, rather than the actual worst thing, which is to spend his entire school career with the odds stacked against him...something they could change.

I guess what I mean is their thinking on it is entirely centred on themselves, and how they feel about it, not on DNephew and what might be right for him. So rather than ignorance, it's self-centred thinking in their case, and keeping up appearances that everything is totally fine etc.

Fairyliz · 30/03/2022 09:53

To be fair don’t lots of people do this to some extent? How many people do you know who smoke or drink to excess? Two thirds of the population are overweight or obese which raises the risk of certain cancers.
I know it’s not quite the same but it is burying our heads in the sand about potential health risks.