Managing frustration with ignorant/unintelligent relatives

[Tamworth123]

This sounds terrible, I know.

I am struggling to manage my frustration and anger with close relatives who tend towards ignorance (and do pretty much nothing to change it), yet are very opinionated and verbose.

This crystallised recently when I found out that a. one of them failed to provide reassuring and useful information to other relatives going through something terrible; because they cannot grasp the basics of the subject, and have never really bothered to try (a family genetic illness/disease), and the only reason the couple were facing that in the first place was because another relative (whose behaviour mirrors my close relative;s) failed to understand & take appropriate action re. the disease i.e. testing.

Several years ago my close relative also heavily discouraged me from sharing information, seekng information and encouraging other family members to get tested, and apparently still holds that view ... despite a youg child's life now being affected by the lack of discussion, info. sharing and encouraging people to get tested. (Yes, that branch of the family may still have chosen not to, but at least we would have done our best to try).

It was obvious during the discussion taht my close relatives still have little to no grasp/understanding of the basics, still believe misinformation, and have not made any apparent effort to learn; even while they knew this was going on (and one hid it from me because she knew my views).

I know a lot of it is genuine inability to understand .... how do I manage my anger & frustration at something which I suppose is not their faults?

@Ozanj Am I reading this correctly? You want to blame someone and would be willing to never talk to them because they have a genetic illness? You would tell a child it's their Grandmother's fault?
Genetic testing is actually a big deal. The psychological ramifications are huge and can lead to significant issues around mental health if not fully informed and supported.

@Yellowleadbetter

I think op that you are expressing how difficult it is to be a by stander watching an awful situation unfold which you know could be made better with education and information. I get you. This is hard, very very hard and you are clearly frustrated.

Thank you, you've grasped this.

@Tamworth123

There also seems to be such a lack of .... (?) joined up thinking, initiative .. I don't kwno quite how to capture it.

When they became aware what this couple were going through re. diagnosis (via the females Mum & Granny) they could have tld either of them to contact the members of the fanily who suffer from the disease (they would be second cousins) or even asked me to put them in contact (we live very near one), they are good people and would have been willing to speak to them, shared information, much of which would have been reassuring ... yet the thought never entered their head; I just don't get it.
It make me want to tear my hair out.

Do these people not have Google? Or doctors? It's not your mum and sisters fault if people can't research, a condition that affects them, properly

@Trainbear

Difficult to say without knowing the condition, but I think a lot of people faced with the reality of the fact that a medical condition, which is passed to future generations can be stoped by not having a child is hard. The feeling that "someone will invent a cure" and "I just want a baby" overrides rationality and logic. Common sense and logic is not tied to academic success.

You could still have kids, you'd probably have to have ivf.

The people (Inc this couple) who hadn't had kids yet don't appear to have been made aware, before they had them.

The Granny and Mum did had not had testing (seems like they deemed uunnecesary, but only an ignorant person who chose to/was incapable of understanding the disease would have deemed it totally unnecessary).
They neither got tested nor from what I can gather, told/warned them about it (so they could have chosen to get tested themselves before having kids).

Do these people not have Google? Or doctors? It's not your mum and sisters fault if people can't research, a condition that affects them, properly confused

The granny would not be IT literate. They (its my Mums family and from a huge rural family in an outlying region of the UK who attended a one room, mixed age country school, were regularly not in school, were were as quickly as possible to work in manual jobs, and the family is affected by learning difficulties too).I don't know if the granny ever went to a GP about this, I'd presume not.
Her daughters clearly did not either, I don't thinkmthey understand it, o don't think they understood the risk....
That's why I wanted my Mum to try to inform them an encourage them to test (I had no.contact with them and have barely any now but my Mum had some and its her sister after all).but she didn't want to.

My sister has nothing to do with that scenario, back then.
What makes me hair tearingly frustrated is that she is aware, she has Google, she uses ot for other things, she knows I initiated our family's testing, she knows u have contact with affected relatives and live very near one; yet she was too Ignorant to help the Mum of the couple and therefore therefore couple by giving them info (or even pointing them to others) that would have helped them when their little child was being diagnosed, including them waiting to find out if it was a much worse form.of the disease.

It makes me want to repeatedly bang my head off the nearest wall..

To be clearer, this was recently and my sister knew because the Mum of the female half of the couple works part-time in a business a stones throw from where my sister lives ... and told her all about the diagnosis process, the process and rhe massive problems it was causing between her and her daughter, and her daughter and her Mum.

My sister could have helped the couple (daughter) then, either with basic facts if she could grasp them, or by referring them to other people in the family. But she couldn't/it didn't enter her head apparently.

I found out about this at a Mother's day lunch, when we were discussing this family and my sister talked about it; not realising I didn't know.

The reason I didn't know is that my Mum has been lying about it by omission for seemingly months; because she knows I asked her to inform her sisters and encourage them to get tested years ago, and she didnt want to ....
And in the case of one sister who is a known carrier of the disease, and her daughter (who i do have regular contact with) she was discouraging to the point of repression/heavy pressure when I encouraged the daughter to get tested.

As I said, yes; it's perfectly possible her sisters would have not gotten tested even if she informed them what we established from our genetics appointment and encouraged them.to test, but she wasn't even really willing to try and she actively discouraged me from doing so with my cousin. I had to essentially disobey/disregard my Mum to speak.to her. She did get tested, she says, and is thankfully not a carrier.

My instinctive reaction is why wouldn't you want to find out? Finding out means that you can hopefully catch things before they get bad (depending on the condition). Also, if you find out you don't carry it, it's liberating to not worry about it.

However, having been through this with my family and having had a genetically close relative decide not to get tested for the gene, in spite of having children she could have passed it onto, I can understand why people might not want to know. It's not ignorance or unintelligence. This person has been through a lot and I understand that they can't handle this right now. It's best not to judge people's motivations for that sort of thing. Maybe they will come back to it later.

I have thought through the routes this disease could take through the family now I'm aware a second sister of my Mum's is is carrier , and the only people who could be at risk of being carriers is her two daughters.

I've messaged the one i have occasional contact with to encourage she and her sister to get tested, examined why as diplomatically as possible. I didn't want to but couldn't stand by and not do it

..... my mums stance still hadn't changed when I told her. I don't get it.

*explained why as diplomatically as possible

As long as people are informed of the risk and told they can get tested to check if they are affected, it is then entirely up to them if they go ahead with it. No-one's business why they do or do not. They'll have their reasons, maybe unknown to anyone else.

Finding out means that you can hopefully catch things before they get bad (depending on the condition).

That wouldn't apply to the disease (although awareness and intervention and being in.contact with relevant medical professionals and the organisations related to the disease would be best as early as possible) however my focus would be on getting people who have not yet had kids, getting tested so they know if they're carriers or not.

They could then have ivf to only have girls, or i think it may be possible to have if with embryos checked for the disease before implantation.

@AuntTwacky

Calling your close family ignorant is out of order

Why is it ‘out of order’ if it’s true? Some people are ignorant.

@WildCoasts

As long as people are informed of the risk and told they can get tested to check if they are affected, it is then entirely up to them if they go ahead with it. No-one's business why they do or do not. They'll have their reasons, maybe unknown to anyone else.

They weren't.

Because they dont appear to have the warewithal to find out themselves, and my Mum wouldn't talk to them about it (and she has great difficulty grasping and retaining the facts, hence my to title).

One other aunt (my mum has 3 sisters) may have looked into it herself, I don't know.

I think the family this has happened in did not understand the risk, though I don't know for sure.

Without understanding the condition, it's difficult to give a view.

The crucial issue is of course, the testing, and whether a positive diagnosis would lead to a cure. In other words, if there is no effective cure, then why bother with the testing, which in itself causes anxiety and stress, both of which are bad for health.

It may not be a case of ignorance or low intelligence, but possibly a desire not to be saddled with a diagnosis at all.

This resonates with me. There is a genetic link in my family to the BRCA2 gene. We were unaware of this until I got breast cancer myself. Everyone in my family has now been tested, other than my brother who has no intention of having DCs.
My DCs who are all teen and pre-teen are vaguely aware of the genetic component of my cancer and my DD who is most at risk will make the decision when she is old enough if she wants genetic testing.
I'll be strongly encouraging this - if she is positive, she'll have an 80% chance of BC before she's 40.
No point sticking your head in the sand.

@Fairyliz

To be fair don’t lots of people do this to some extent? How many people do you know who smoke or drink to excess? Two thirds of the population are overweight or obese which raises the risk of certain cancers. I know it’s not quite the same but it is burying our heads in the sand about potential health risks.

Your own life, fine.

Other people's lives ..... personally I find it morally wrong, verging on evil
.

if there is no effective cure, then why bother with the testing, which in itself causes anxiety and stress, both of which are bad for health.

As I've said above, it's not about a cure. It's about preventing any more boys getting it by having only females or (if possible) screening male embryos.

This didn't need to happen, it could have been prevented.

More of it doesnt need to happen and could he prevented, if possible carriers only get tested.

A friend with that kind of issue was planning to have sperm separated to ensure a child of the unaffected sex.

In the end, their business. It is wrong to not let someone know they may carry something they can be tested for but, once they've been told, it's none of our business what they do with the information.

I would recommend you have counselling op. You seem very angry and maybe you are right or wrong, it is almost irrelevant. The level of animation and describing your mother as you have is really disrespectful.
For all you know there might be real reasons why she is unable to grasp or retain facts. You are barely concealing your contempt, get some help before you implode your family unit. I feel sorry for your family.

And it is wherewithal nor warewithal maybe you are not as intelligent as you think you are.

I've explained this to Mum (probably more than once) yet she said again on morgerung Sunday "sure nothing can can done about it anyway" ..... which brings me back to the title of my thread.

How do you cope with this level.of wilful ignorance, non wilful ignorance i suppose, lack of understanding and subsequent effects.

Might I add, back when we went to genetics via GP, it was at my insistence. My mums approach would have been "My Dad took one of my brothers to a doctor in (capital City) and he said nothing can be done about it do .....

This would've been decades before, but it apparently wouldn't occur to her to check if anything had changed even if it was just testing.

That's what you're dealing with, with her and members of their family.

I've explained inheritance several times but her response it just "its so complicated" and it's obvious she hadn't grasped it

It's not her fault I suppose. But how do I deal with it?

You do nothing and mind your own business.

@Swayingpalmtrees

I would recommend you have counselling op. You seem very angry and maybe you are right or wrong, it is almost irrelevant. The level of animation and describing your mother as you have is really disrespectful. For all you know there might be real reasons why she is unable to grasp or retain facts. You are barely concealing your contempt, get some help before you implode your family unit. I feel sorry for your family.

And it is wherewithal nor warewithal maybe you are not as intelligent as you think you are.

I'm aware the spelling was incorrect, my autocorrect didn't have it and I was typing in a rush.

Well done in the spelling correction though, a big gold star for you.

And a big gold star for you - for being compassionate and kind, and well balanced.