Managing frustration with ignorant/unintelligent relatives

[Tamworth123]

This sounds terrible, I know.

I am struggling to manage my frustration and anger with close relatives who tend towards ignorance (and do pretty much nothing to change it), yet are very opinionated and verbose.

This crystallised recently when I found out that a. one of them failed to provide reassuring and useful information to other relatives going through something terrible; because they cannot grasp the basics of the subject, and have never really bothered to try (a family genetic illness/disease), and the only reason the couple were facing that in the first place was because another relative (whose behaviour mirrors my close relative;s) failed to understand & take appropriate action re. the disease i.e. testing.

Several years ago my close relative also heavily discouraged me from sharing information, seekng information and encouraging other family members to get tested, and apparently still holds that view ... despite a youg child's life now being affected by the lack of discussion, info. sharing and encouraging people to get tested. (Yes, that branch of the family may still have chosen not to, but at least we would have done our best to try).

It was obvious during the discussion taht my close relatives still have little to no grasp/understanding of the basics, still believe misinformation, and have not made any apparent effort to learn; even while they knew this was going on (and one hid it from me because she knew my views).

I know a lot of it is genuine inability to understand .... how do I manage my anger & frustration at something which I suppose is not their faults?

You seem to very firmly believe these young men would rather not have been born?

Stop transposing "commonly held beliefs" onto me. I've said nothing of the sort.

@Tamworth123

Actually never mind, I remember you now from other people's threads. Don't worry about answering that and I won't waste my time responding to any of your posts.

I don't know if you're a troll or ...

Well I don't think you do, seeing as this is a new username, adopted yesterday.

You need to stop being so rude to people, on here and in real life, where you should also learn to mind your own business if you aren't going to take action yourself.

I honestly don't see what your problem is, except that maybe you need some support yourself?

Actually, are you OK op? You sound very angry

Your posts are so arrogant and black and white. You are guilty of everything you accused your family of. Ignorance, lack of empathy.

You've clearly decided you are 100% correct in your opinion, understanding and approach. Have you ever considered you may have got it wrong? Just a bit.

Does it not occur to you that they may think being tested, encouraging ivf to rule out the disease, looks as though they would rather the male child with said disease had not been born. That given the choice they would not have wanted him. His life is worth less than someone not similarly affected?

I imagine you'd need to start up a separate thread debating preimplantation genetic diagnosis/testing .... (as well as all the other selection techniques that happen with eggs, sperm and embryos in "standard" ivf, and egg freezing etc etc.).

A huge subject.

(And one that might spread onto debates around abortion, TFMR etc. etc).

(That was in response to Sweeney Todd).

No we don't need to start up another thread. This thread is about you thinking you are 100% right in your views and because your family members have different views they must be uneducated and ignorant. I and others are pointing out this may not be the case at all there are other reasons they may have for their opinions and their opinions are as valid as yours.

Without knowing the condition, it’s impossible to say, though - if it necessarily gives a horrible quality of life with daily significant pain & suffering, that’s very different decision from testing to avoid (eg) Fragile X.

Perhaps your mother thinks “better faulty genes than no genes”, maybe she thinks the condition “isn’t so bad”, maybe she’s religious and thinks it should be “left up to God”, maybe the people involved DO know and have made it clear that it’s not up for discussion.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

No we don't need to start up another thread. This thread is about you thinking you are 100% right in your views and because your family members have different views they must be uneducated and ignorant. I and others are pointing out this may not be the case at all there are other reasons they may have for their opinions and their opinions are as valid as yours.

You are introducing the ethics of embryo selection into this thread; that is a massive, complex debate that might be best exercised in another thread, perhaps not in Aibu.

My family members do not hold different views on testing and embryo selection. They agree with testing but disagree that they have any personal responsibility to inform or encourage others to do it.

I don't know if they agree or disagree for sure with embryo selection; because they were unaware of the possibility (although I did raise the subject in the past), so there is no disagreement there because they didn't know about it, hence my Mum's comment "sure you can't do anything about it anyway".

No we don't need to start up another thread

Also you are not the administrator of this thread

I have politely suggested rhe massive, complex subject of embryo selection might be best discussed in a separate, related thread..... you don't dictate whether that is necessary, desirable or a non starter.

Stop transposing "commonly held beliefs" onto me. I've said nothing of the sort. you said you believed people who knowingly had children that might have a genetic disorder were evil. What did you mean by that then? What you are suggesting is eugenics and while some embrace that others really won’t.

@weebarra

This resonates with me. There is a genetic link in my family to the BRCA2 gene. We were unaware of this until I got breast cancer myself. Everyone in my family has now been tested, other than my brother who has no intention of having DCs. My DCs who are all teen and pre-teen are vaguely aware of the genetic component of my cancer and my DD who is most at risk will make the decision when she is old enough if she wants genetic testing. I'll be strongly encouraging this - if she is positive, she'll have an 80% chance of BC before she's 40. No point sticking your head in the sand.

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this, and have the worry of a genetic risk.

I sincerely hope your dd is negative.
I read recently that medication being trialled may be as effective (and obviously nowhere near as invasive and extreme as surgery) in reducing risk.

My husbands family have some a very mild genetic condition and do not know. You can see it on the women in the family. I spotted it on holiday and there are several ways to manage it but I know for certain that if I mentioned this I’d be “calling them out” or “creating drama”.

So I just don’t say anything and if my child develops it, I’ll follow NHS guidelines.

Along the same lines tho OP, this does highlight that not everyone knows they have a genetic condition not through ignorance but circumstances. I didn’t know I had iron overload because my dads family haven’t spoken to us since he died.

What you are suggesting is eugenics

If ivf with preimplantation genetic testing/analysis is eugenics then I have to you but every single instance of embryos and foetuses (and arguably even eggs and sperm) being selected, discarded or "terminated" on the basis of health, disease, disorders, arguably even greater viability in fertility treatment, TMFR and research ..... is eugenics, and is legally happening every day all over the world.

This is a huge, complex, emotive subject and thats why I suggested it really deserves its own thread.

@5zeds

Stop transposing "commonly held beliefs" onto me. I've said nothing of the sort. you said you believed people who knowingly had children that might have a genetic disorder were evil. What did you mean by that then? What you are suggesting is eugenics and while some embrace that others really won’t.

Are you on the pregnancy choices forum telling the women who've had TFMR that they're practising eugenics?

Are you on the conception/ivf forum telling women who are having eggs and embryos selected above others that they're practising eugenics?

There is a genetic condition in my family, as soon as it was discovered everyone was keen to get tested and find out what we were dealing with. My parent was the only sibling not to have the faulty gene so I did not need to test but all my cousins did.
That disease is one that has an impact in later life and can be mitigated significantly by a few lifestyle changes. My cousins are likely to avoid any serious issues in the future due to finding out the potential risks early on.
I would be furious if my parent had hidden from me that I could potentially be a carrier of hemophilia, Duchenne muscular dystrophy etc
I can understand why you feel so angry on your cousin's behalf.

Already on the pregnancy forum tellingvwkmenbwho are having standard NHS testing for Downs and other syndromes (with the intention of choosing to continue the pregnancy or terminate it depending on the results, why else does the testing exist?) telling them they are practising eugenics?

*Are you

Some forms of eugenics are "legally happening every day all over the world". It doesn't mean everyone agrees with them. Your mother stated that you risked "upsetting & victimising [your] aunt whose sons have the disease". It sounds like your mum has a depth of empathy you are lacking and is trying to be considerate of your aunt's position despite not sharing it. Your manner here has been so incredibly black and white. I understand why your mum would discourage you from discussing sensitive issues with other family members; you come across like a bull in an emotional china shop.

@WibbleWobbleWibble

There is a genetic condition in my family, as soon as it was discovered everyone was keen to get tested and find out what we were dealing with. My parent was the only sibling not to have the faulty gene so I did not need to test but all my cousins did. That disease is one that has an impact in later life and can be mitigated significantly by a few lifestyle changes. My cousins are likely to avoid any serious issues in the future due to finding out the potential risks early on. I would be furious if my parent had hidden from me that I could potentially be a carrier of hemophilia, Duchenne muscular dystrophy etc I can understand why you feel so angry on your cousin's behalf.

Thanks for your post, I'm glad to hear the condition in your family can be mitigated by lifestyle changes.

Yes, that's the case scenario, though it's nowhere near the worst type of the disease.

I honestly think the granny and Mum didn't raise It with the youngcwiban whose son had been affected out of lack of understanding & ignorance, hence my thread title. It frustrates me so much.

What would you do op, if your mother and sister had passed on all this information and guidance (that the relatives can't get from Google or their doctors) but your relatives went ahead and had children anyway, without having themselves tested?

How affluent are these people? Could they afford all these expensive methods you advocate to genetically modify their child?

Maybe your mother just wanted to stay out of it.