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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just suck up a party I dont want?

62 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2022 21:57

I dont want to be 50 and would cheerfully let it slide, however in just over a year I am going to in fact become 50. I dont know why it bothers me, it just does!

But the kids want to do something for me (4 adult kids by then and 2 senior school age). I think that they would like to plan a party but I really dont want one! They have asked now so that they have time to plan, and I dont know what to say. A party would be the much cheaper option, but what I would prefer if anything is a nice family meal hosted by my parents or sister (so the kids will have help organising) but I know thats a lot to ask of them. A meal out is an option but as there would be 12 of us it would be very expensive and I am not in a position to pay for it.

There are two significant disabilities in the family and one milder disability so a day out would be problematic to arrange in a way that would suit everyone.

But I really want to give them this, as it obviously means a lot to them.

Should I just suck up the party? My conscience is telling me that I should just plaster on a smile as it would make them so happy.

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 29/03/2022 22:00

I was lucky that mine happened in lockdown! We live near a really nice old fashioned country hotel and we booked a private dining room. It was a perfect day, we sat outside in the garden before going in and it didn't matter about the grandkids running about etc. The service was lovely and relaxed, food great and I didn't have to lift a finger.

I would have literally disowned all of my family had they arranged a party. I'm not that sort of person at all.

hulahooper2 · 29/03/2022 22:05

No have a family meal if that’s what you would prefer , you have a year to save and could ask everyone to contribute to it as your present

PineappleRingo · 29/03/2022 22:09

Why don’t you ask the kids to arrange a nice family meal at yours? I can’t imagine a party being much cheaper than a meal? And who would pay for the party?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2022 22:11

Saving is not an option at the moment. Covid decimated my career and although I could go back into it (hospitality management) I dont want to as it wrecked my health, something I can only see now. So I am working part time in a supermarket and looking at retraining, given that I will be working for at least another 20 years! There is nothing spare.

Dont get me wrong, I love a good party, just not one that centres around me! My ex arranged a surprise party for my 40th know full well that I hate parties around me, and surprise parties more so.....but guess what he loved Hmm and I am sort of dreading a repeat of that I suppose. I was crashingly ungracious on the night, I know I was and I apologised to everyone afterwards, but I was just so uncomfortable and upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2022 22:13

A party would be cheaper as we have friends in the business who would basically do the party for free but with a paid bar (standard in our family and friends).

My house isnt an option for hosting not is my sons home or either of my daughters places due to either location or size.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/03/2022 22:14

What does ‘a party’ mean to you, and to your children?

Can there be a boozy Prosecco afternoon tea vibe, or a BBQ, or something that’s not party-party?

DarkCorner · 29/03/2022 22:14

What about a family party? So just family invited but kids get to host any way they wish- bowls of crisps (god, that autocorrected you “bowls of crisis” 😂) , drinks, a few sausage rolls, a cake etc. Basically all the good bits of a party but without the anxiety and shed loads of people!

mastertomsmum · 29/03/2022 22:15

I was mega pissed off nobody organised one for me when I was 50

nearlyspringyay · 29/03/2022 22:15

My birthday is in a few weeks, not a milestone but not done much over the last couple of years for obvious reasons. My mum keeps going on about doing something for the kids (my kids), for my birthday. I don't want to do what she is suggesting.

At the grand old age of 44 I've said no, and it's liberating. Don't do what you don't want to do for their sake. Suggest what you'd rather do instead.

AffIt · 29/03/2022 22:16

No, I don't think you should pay for something you don't want to do.

A year is a good amount of time to save, particularly given that four of your children are at least young adults and presumably working/earning?

Just say what you want!

M0rT · 29/03/2022 22:16

I think if your adult children could plan a party you should ask them to host a meal for the 12 people you would like there.
They have over a year to plan a menu, perfect the dishes etc
And they obviously want the opportunity to do something for you so let them.
You sucking it up and going along with a party you don't want is not actually helpful, we all need to learn that it's not a present if it's something we want. If your children want to throw parties then they can organise their own for 21st/30th etc
I started taking my DM to spa's when I began to earn enough, thought I was treating her.
Ten years later she's telling my aunt in my hearing how she's never liked spa's, I was very hurt.

HeddaGarbled · 29/03/2022 22:18

Buffet lunch or tea at home just for family?

Kite22 · 29/03/2022 22:18

I'm not sure how a family meal would cost less than a party, if cost is contributing to your desire not to have one ?

But your dc need to understand that the birthday is about what the birthday girl wants. If you are not a party person, then that isn't what they should be arranging for you.
Plenty of people don't like parties.
It is your birthday, so should be what you want.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2022 22:19

Pissing myself laughing at a "A bowl of crisis"!! :o

A party would be mainly organised by DS1 and DD2 I think and they would go all in, we are talking about 80 people!

I have had a really tough time the last 4 years and I know that they want to treat me and make it so special for me. I adore them for that, but.....

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/03/2022 22:22

Can’t you just be honest with them?

EmmaH2022 · 29/03/2022 22:23

Don't do stuff just to keep others happy, and definitely don't pay for it!

My sister will be 50 this year. I have no idea if she will want no events - she's really unhappy about turning 50 - or suddenly change her mind and want a party. We will go with what she wants.

You say you'd like a family meal. Why not tell them that?

Shinyandnew1 · 29/03/2022 22:24

Where would the party be held if you had one?

I would hate a party but equally, I wouldn’t be asking anyone else to host a meal for 12 for me-I think that’s rather CF.

I’d either have people round to mine for an evening for drinks and easy nibbles, or find a reasonably priced restaurant (my kids love a Harvester!) and invite who you want to join you, but say apologies-things have been tough workwise over Covid, so they’d need to pay for themselves.

lisaandalan · 29/03/2022 22:27

I didn't have one either, I don't like being the centre of attention.
I just had a family meal with close family. X

gah2teenagers · 29/03/2022 22:45

They want to treat you but you have to pay ? Say no and no again. You don’t want a party so that’s your choice not theirs. A nice family home bbq/buffet in the garden will be lovely.

Flatbrokefornow · 29/03/2022 22:45

Can you find something you would like? I know people that had a small celebration every month for their fiftieth. And someone who sought out every family member for a meal over the year they hit a zero.

Can they make you fifty cup cakes? Afternoon tea with a small selection of guests every week for a month? Buy you fifty (secondhand) books to read? Visit fifty gardens? Find something you would like - it’s your birthday, and they want to spoil you, but it should be about you (I just spent my birthday making a zillion cups of tea for everyone who thought they should visit me. I’d been planning to slope off into the garden and then have a hot bath and a nap. I didn’t even make myself a cake, because I wasn’t planning on chuffing-well entertaining the world and his wife. But they were all sad for me because I wasn’t ‘doing anything for my birthday’. But I wasn’t doing what I wanted because they were there. Nevermind, they meant well and there will be other days in the garden!

whoknows1230 · 29/03/2022 22:50

What about hiring an inexpensive venue such as a village hall or scout hut and doing an afternoon tea?

Whatever you do though, make sure it’s something you want to do and will enjoy. Don’t agree to something to make other people happy!

Unprecedentedusername · 29/03/2022 23:27

I was 50 in peak lockdown. It was weird as all sorts of people/relatives crept out of the woodwork with birthday greetings. I was so glad to let it all pass unmarked apart from my immediate family who I was locked down with.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2022 23:28

@gah2teenagers

They want to treat you but you have to pay ? Say no and no again. You don’t want a party so that’s your choice not theirs. A nice family home bbq/buffet in the garden will be lovely.
Oh no, they would want to pay but I couldnt let them pay for a meal out for 12 people, if I asked for that then I would be so aware of the cost that I wouldnt want them shouldering that so would want to pay or at least contribute a decent amount. Out of the 4 adults one is disabled and cannot work so lives on his PPI etc, 2 are students and only one is earning (she earns well but it isnt her place to sub everyone).
OP posts:
milkyaqua · 29/03/2022 23:56

Why - if you're not a party person - would you let them go ahead and organize a party for 80 people, if I read that correctly?

Just tell them what you want to do for your 50th. If it's just them and a cake on a picnic blanket, say it. A meal out at your favourite restaurant. Whatever it is, say that's what you want.

Merlott · 30/03/2022 00:04

I'm so confused.

You have a good relationship with your DC that they want to treat you and celebrate your bday.

Why on earth not simply tell them what you want?

I am so confused. I understand you're concerned about cost. But why is that yours to worry about? Let them figure it out! They are adults!