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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just suck up a party I dont want?

62 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/03/2022 21:57

I dont want to be 50 and would cheerfully let it slide, however in just over a year I am going to in fact become 50. I dont know why it bothers me, it just does!

But the kids want to do something for me (4 adult kids by then and 2 senior school age). I think that they would like to plan a party but I really dont want one! They have asked now so that they have time to plan, and I dont know what to say. A party would be the much cheaper option, but what I would prefer if anything is a nice family meal hosted by my parents or sister (so the kids will have help organising) but I know thats a lot to ask of them. A meal out is an option but as there would be 12 of us it would be very expensive and I am not in a position to pay for it.

There are two significant disabilities in the family and one milder disability so a day out would be problematic to arrange in a way that would suit everyone.

But I really want to give them this, as it obviously means a lot to them.

Should I just suck up the party? My conscience is telling me that I should just plaster on a smile as it would make them so happy.

OP posts:

Crazykefir · 30/03/2022 00:11

You've got plenty of time to tell your kids you don't want a party, it's your birthday not theirs, so what if you can get a free venue.

AgeingDoc · 30/03/2022 00:35

Can't you have a party for 12? Just invite those same people that you'd want at the meal but do something less expensive than a full meal out if cost is a concern?
I hate parties and I wouldn't suffer through one on my own birthday. Obviously sometimes we have to do things we don't like for the sake of other people, when the event is about them and it's their choice, but to force a loved one to do something that you know they will hate for their own birthday is plain ridiculous- and pretty selfish of the organisers in my opinion. Didn't they learn anything from your 40th? Just tell them how you feel.
People are always telling me that I "need" to go to social events and that I will "enjoy it once I'm there" but I know I won't so I just say no, unless it's something I feel duty bound to attend, like my PILs golden wedding recently. But there is no obligation to attend your own unwanted birthday party. That really is one occasion when you are entitled to make the day about you.

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2022 01:06

Bear in mind that at my 40th they were all in school except my eldest who was 20 with LD. And they were super excited about it and I didnt give away to them how I felt, they all remember it with fond memories.

I think they are basing this idea on how they remember my 40th!

I can be honest with all of them but there is part of me that doesnt want to, because I know how much it would mean to them to organise something like this for me.

But you're all right, I should say that I dont want a big party.

OP posts:

incognitoforthisone · 30/03/2022 10:22

They have asked now so that they have time to plan, and I dont know what to say.

I don't get why you 'don't know what to say'. They've literally asked you what you want.

There's an awful lot of 'I get the impression that...' and 'I think that...' and 'I have a feeling that...' in your posts. Basically your notion that your children definitely want to plan a party for 80 people is pure guesswork. Just have a normal conversation with them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2022 10:23

Can you suggest that they, the dc, host (in the sense of cooking,’providing ingredients etc) a meal at your Mum or sister’s place? If I’ve got his right and they ar ether ones who have space.

Takes the weight off your mum and sister but you still get what you would actually enjoy.

phoenixrosehere · 30/03/2022 11:15

Why not just be honest?

It’s your birthday and you should celebrate (or not) however you want. Your birthday should be the one day that you can choose what you want to do and be about you, not about what people think you should have or assume you should want.

Dontbeme · 30/03/2022 11:30

Just tell them you don't want a party. If you are worried about the cost of a meal out for 12 (which is surely cheaper than a party for 80) organise a catering company to do a buffet style meal in your home, get some decorations and music and job done. Nice and casual.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 11:37

Could you have a family day out?
Or a picnic in the park?

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/03/2022 11:44

If you don't want a party tell them you don't want a party.

Its your birthday. It shouldn't be spent having to fake enjoyment to make everyone else feel better about how little they know you.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 11:58

Start dropping hints. For my birthday I’d really fancy an afternoon tea or something, it’s something I’ve really lived to try/do.
I’m sure an afternoon tea in a nice place for 12 will be a lot less cost than a party tbh.
Also I’ve seen lots of those on wowcher or similar. 2 people for £15 or something. So you could drop hints at that too.

If your bday is in the summer, what about a picnic with champagne in a nice country park?

Or failing that, use the venue you were going to use for just the 12 of you and have a small buffet or order in a Chinese or fish and chips?

Fairyliz · 30/03/2022 11:59

But if there is only 12 of you surely you could fit into someone’s house however small? DD lived in a studio flat so one room and bathroom and had more people around than that.
Then everyone could bring a dish and a bottle and it would be easy, fuss free with the people you love.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 30/03/2022 12:12

I had a meal out for my 40th, it was great, kids and friends started mid-afternoon and were done and dusted for early evening. Lovely food, just enough drink to oil the wheels. No obnoxious drunken behavior.
My 50th next yr and I would like the same type of event with friends, family, and children.

CBA with parties, I think they're twee.
DW's colleague is 50 next week and they've bought balloons and a banner.
I'm like, are you lot 6 yrs old.

Basically just request what you'd prefer.

KarmaStar · 30/03/2022 12:18

It's just a number try not to let it define you,be happy you have lived 50 years and be proud of yourself for the wisdom you have achieved and the family you have raised so well.
How about afternoon tea somewhere quiet?

UseOfWeapons · 30/03/2022 12:33

No, absolutely no, don’t let them organise a party you don’t want. Both colleagues and family tried to do this for my 50th, and I said a firm and gentle, no thanks. I told them how I would like to celebrate with them, and that’s what we did. It was a super few days, as I wanted to celebrate with all of them, but not together. Cake, long walks, a spa, a meal out, a special birthday indeed, as for once, I did not bury my feelings about what I really wanted to do.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 12:35

I'd do a small family party.

Last year in lockdown when I was 50 I had a small party out and some smaller events out with close friends.

When DM was 50 a few years ago I organised a surprise party for her and invited all her friends etc from years ago - people she hadn't seen for years! DM is very outgoing and sociable so she enjoyed it though.

purplecorkheart · 30/03/2022 12:37

Just tell them that you would prefer a family meal. They could get a couple of large ready made lasagne etc which should not work out too costly or stress anyone cooking for a large number.

Sciurus83 · 30/03/2022 12:42

Oh hell no! Tell them they're only suggesting it because they think you would like it, I bet they'd be upset if they knew you were just going along with it for them. Surely a family meal out would cost much less than a party for 80 with a paid bar?!!

Sciurus83 · 30/03/2022 12:43

Missed a comma!.....Tell them, they are only....

thecurtainsofdestiny · 30/03/2022 12:48

No, have what you want!

Surely it wouldn't be too expensive/ difficult to have a small party for 12 people at your parents house? Afternoon tea, or prosecco and canapes, something like that.

If you asked everyone to bring a plate of something would your family do that?

DappledThings · 30/03/2022 13:01

Of course you shouldn't. I would detest any kind of birthday party and my friends and family know that. I'm not going to change that and "suck it up" to make other people happy. I do whatever people want on their own birthday, why on earth should anyone not expect the same for their own birthday?

2bazookas · 30/03/2022 13:12

They've asked you what you'd like so tell them!

You don't want a party,. you'd prefer a nice family meal; if money's an issue it could be a home made picnic in the park, or fish and chips or a curry takeout.

Shellingbynight · 30/03/2022 13:19

I can be honest with all of them but there is part of me that doesnt want to, because I know how much it would mean to them to organise something like this for me.

Surely what would mean most to them would be to organise something you want and will enjoy. So think of something which is feasible and within budget and they'll presumably be thrilled to organise that.

Otherwise you'll be back here in ten years telling us they're arranging an unwanted party for your 60th.

phoenixrosehere · 30/03/2022 13:52

Exactly. My DH knows that birthday parties are not my thing and never have been. I actually told my DH when we were dating that it is one of my big no’s and he understood and isn’t big on parties either. I rather us travel or travel alone (doesn’t have to be far) vs fake a smile and waste money in something I didn’t want because it’s the “done” thing.

burnoutbabe · 30/03/2022 13:57

my 50th next year, i have just said i am happy to have an afternoon tea type thing at my parents house (and we get in platters of sarnies and wraps from sainsburies so nice and simple)

I went to a 90th last year that was an afternoon tea, around £15 per head (then buy own drinks) that was fine for a few hours meeting midway between all people (2 hour drive max)

TragicMuse · 30/03/2022 14:15

"Darlings, your party idea is so sweet and kind, but people and times have changed and I really really don't want one. I'd much prefer to do something with just family so that I can share my day with the people most important to me. I'm definitely up for that, but not for a huge party, I really wouldn't enjoy one."

And if they say that you enjoyed your 40th you can repeat that people and times have changed, and what happened then isn't what you want now.

Best of luck. I like getting together with a few friends, I don't want huge parties either.

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