To think that my Mum is favouring my sister over me?

[Rochyella84]

Ladies ... I am feeling really sad and fed up.

My sister and I both work full time and have 2 young kids. We live only a few minutes apart, and we both live 30 minutes from my Mum. I get very little help from my Mum whilst she gets considerably more. I will preface this by saying that I know getting help from family is not to be expected, and I am genuinely grateful when help is offered, but I feel totally sidelined here. I just don't understand it - my Mum and I have not fallen out, we are on good terms and we speak most days.

My mum doesn't do any childcare for me at the moment - she said she could do a short day once a fortnight if I could drop off and collect my son from her - it wasn't worth it in the end so I just did an extra nursery day. But she has my sister's son once a week for a full day, and drops him home afterwards. She also spontaneously pops over to see her and the kids to 'help her out' and always talks about how exhausted my sister is and how sorry she feels for her. She has her kids overnight too, but she never has my kids unless perhaps we have a really special occasion and then she will have them overnight (maybe 1-2 nights a year). What really stings is that my sister has great in-laws who help her out weekly too, but my in-laws live hours away and we get no support from them.

I am not an outspoken person and I don't want to cause a family argument. I have spoken up a few times e.g. when my Mum says how sorry she feels for my sister and how she needs a break I have pointed out that she doesn't have it that badly and has had quite a few breaks recently, but my Mum just tells me I'm being unfair.

My sister recognises the inequality too but hasn't said anything to my Mum.

Is anyone in the same boat? I just feel a bit dejected and sad.

Does your sister regularly moan on and on to your mum, so your mum feels she needs to help out, whereas you just get on with it so your DM feels you don’t need the help?

@Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes

Does your sister regularly moan on and on to your mum, so your mum feels she needs to help out, whereas you just get on with it so your DM feels you don’t need the help?

My sister does openly say in our group chat when her kids are being challenging/will say how exhausted she is.

I used to do this but I stopped when my sister told me my Mum spoke to her behind my back and said I was always whining about my kids. So because of that I stopped venting to them if I had a tough day. I just vent to my friends now instead. So yes, I never complain.

Is your sister a single parent?

I'm not prying, but do you both have partners on the scene?
I had something similar with my grandparents. They always favoured my older cousin because she had it hard at home, so she was always taken for weekend trips, holidays abroad etc. We all had it hard, but I didn't get a look in because I 'didn't need it' apparently 🙄

We both have husbands who work full time.

@Duchess379

I'm not prying, but do you both have partners on the scene? I had something similar with my grandparents. They always favoured my older cousin because she had it hard at home, so she was always taken for weekend trips, holidays abroad etc. We all had it hard, but I didn't get a look in because I 'didn't need it' apparently 🙄

My husband says this....he says maybe my Mum thinks I don't "need" help. Because I always seem very together.

Have you always been the coper? I think family patterns get established very early and can be hard to break. If you feel sad or neglected tell your DM but she might be defensive.

All is it possible that your DSis is just closer to her and naturally spends more time with her? Unfortunately parents are in a really hard place if they aren’t scrupulously fair but it’s hard to be fair and it’s not always the right thing anyway.

Is this the first time in your life you honestly can see a difference in how you and your sister are treated?

Or if you think back, is it more of a pattern - that possibly was much more subtle growing up/ in young adulthood, but is more pronounced now because you could really do with help and support but it's not available?

I think it’s more your sister is moaning more about her tiredness/unable to function more than you are. As a result your mum is being there for her whereas you asked your mum, it didn’t work for you, you rearranged. Your sister is obviously working her but c’est la vie 🤷🏻‍♀️

Weirdly my Mum and I used to be much closer than she and my sister were. My sister was always quite challenging with behaviour growing up whereas I've always been the 'easy' one. Since having kids she has mellowed a lot and she and my Mum have become much closer.

I wouldn't say I've always been the coper though, I'd say both my sister and I are pretty capable efficient people!

I should add that my sister and I are actually very close. I don't resent her for this....I'm more upset with my Mum really and just questioning why my sister is seen as this 'victim' who needs lots of help and support whilst I apparently can cope fine on my own.

This is exactly the same in my family, my sister gets far more help than I do. I just sort of get on with it now, it’s just one of those things. I’ve always been left to get on with stuff though, my sister was a bit of a tearaway and took up a lot of my mum’s time when we were younger and she has always had more attention from my parents than me so now we are older it makes sense that I’m expected to get on with it. Has your DM always treated you differently?

@Rochyella84

Weirdly my Mum and I used to be much closer than she and my sister were. My sister was always quite challenging with behaviour growing up whereas I've always been the 'easy' one. Since having kids she has mellowed a lot and she and my Mum have become much closer.

I wouldn't say I've always been the coper though, I'd say both my sister and I are pretty capable efficient people!

I should add that my sister and I are actually very close. I don't resent her for this....I'm more upset with my Mum really and just questioning why my sister is seen as this 'victim' who needs lots of help and support whilst I apparently can cope fine on my own.

Because your sister is presenting herself in this light to her/your mother.

My mum has favoured my sister my whole life, younger, more children blah blah. Bought her a car, helped buy her house, takes them all on holiday. I got none of that. Mum doesn't owe me anything and I have always just made my own way without her help. It's unfair though.

I had this exact situation with my sister. She was working full time at the time and I was part time. But my DH was full time and hers was part-time so it balanced out. She always told me my dsis had more need- I guess she was working full time. It really annoyed me though as my mum would do loads of childcare for her in the holidays and actually ask her when to have the dcs. My sister never paid for childcare, her DH picked up the rest whereas and my mum had periods of doing it too. Apparently my sister would say how expensive it was. Meanwhile I was paying for childcare for two under 3s but apparently that didn't matter. If I asked my mum to have the dcs she always seemed reluctant.

I said something but it was dismissed and my parents got really angry with me so I had to drop it. It still annoys me now. My dsis actually had a much bigger income than us too but was paying no childcare whereas mine was wiped out by it. Later I said to my mum about my income and she looked really shocked.

I have had to let it go though but I am still resentful. But I have learned that my sister manages to put on a poor me face and has a way of manipulating a situation and asking for things in a certain way which seems to work.

Oh OP, I get it. As someone who has always felt their sibling was the preferred child, it hurts.

Can I ask, do you know if your sister asks for help or whether it's offered? Like you, I give off the vibe of having everything under control and organised (even when I'm drowning or ill, it seems) and so help if very, very rarely offered, and I don't like to put people out by asking for help, so I don't, and then it's a cycle that's hard to break.

All these folks whose sisters are getting preferential treatment for childcare/support just remember to take a very large step back when it comes to elder support... you reap what you sow after all.

It sounds like your mum still thinks that DS still requires 'parental guidance' and you don't. Totally unfair on you though 😶💐

In my experience you reap what you sow. My parents never made any effort with my kids when they were young, whereas my DP's stepmother, who lived further away, would always offer to help. Now the children are older we do so much more with the stepmother than we do with my parents. We go for weekends away with DP's parents, have them over for meals etc. When I show my Mum photos of our time away, I get a cat bum face from her. She wants time with the children now they are teenagers but she never have time for them when they were younger. They just aren't that close.

My grandma said to me when she was in her 80's that she didn't love any of her children more than any other (and she had five) but that two of them needed her more and that all of them needed different support at different stages of their lives. She said my mum was more capable than her sisters so she knew she would manage. I didn't see my grandma as much as some cousins because of this but now I am pretty old myself and a parent and grandparent I understand more. I wonder if your mum worries about your sister's children since you mention their behaviour and your sister was the challenging one! It is hard though and worth trying to resolve I think. Good Luck!

Well that's your DSIS with a live in mum one day, that'll be fun for her after getting rid of the kids.

My inlaws are like this. Rarely come to see our kids, eldest is 16 and refuses to call them nanna/grandad because they've been so rubbish. BIL has had his eldest looked after by them when at work and overnight, SIL is on maternity atm and she picks up eldest weekly to give her a break. My dh is military and away a lot but I have never been offered a break by them, I've got my shit together though so don't need them. She almost fell while holding our 7mth old last time we saw her, not the 1st fall or 1st with a child in her arms which I find worrying. DH has already said they can go whistle if they want help when they are very old.

Your sister recognises the equality but won't say anything to your Mum-like what?

"Don't have my kids so often as you never have Rochyella84 's kids?"

That's not going to happen is it?

"but I stopped when my sister told me my Mum spoke to her behind my back and said I was always whining about my kids."

Any chance this isn't true & your Mum was going to have your kids more but your sister didn't want her to?

If your Mum said that it's truly horrible.

@BreathingDeep

Oh OP, I get it. As someone who has always felt their sibling was the preferred child, it hurts.

Can I ask, do you know if your sister asks for help or whether it's offered? Like you, I give off the vibe of having everything under control and organised (even when I'm drowning or ill, it seems) and so help if very, very rarely offered, and I don't like to put people out by asking for help, so I don't, and then it's a cycle that's hard to break.

She doesn't ask actually, its offered. Thanks for your kind words, it does hurt. I'm pretty sensitive and this has me constantly questioning myself and whether I've done or said something wrong.

I was an only child and am the parent of one child, so I have no experience of this. BUT I simply cannot imagine as a mother blatantly favouring one adult child over another by offering more childcare, etc. What demons get into these women that they think it's OK to do this? It must be so incredibly hurtful to the less-favoured child.

@diddl

Your sister recognises the equality but won't say anything to your Mum-like what?

"Don't have my kids so often as you never have Rochyella84 's kids?"

That's not going to happen is it?

"but I stopped when my sister told me my Mum spoke to her behind my back and said I was always whining about my kids."

Any chance this isn't true & your Mum was going to have your kids more but your sister didn't want her to?

If your Mum said that it's truly horrible.

You are totally right of course. What could she say. She is in a difficult position too in a way as she feels bad that I'm getting no help.

What my Mum said about me complaining about my kids behind my back is definitely true. She had said it to my face too in the past. For what its worth I never complained about my kids incessantly - no more than the usual 'Mum ranting' of 'He's been a real pain today'.

This is the same between. Dh and his sister with regards to his mother and any help with the children.

He asked could you watch X 1 day a week after she had previously kept going on about helping. Oh no sorry I can’t.

Sister asks oh yeah sure full day every week for more than one child both younger than ours.

She gets regular sleep overs for her and 1 on 1 play dates.

If we need help it’s ok but drop them off by 9am and don’t take long. Sisters kids will then magically be there too because she needed to hover or some bs.