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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my Mum is favouring my sister over me?

63 replies

Rochyella84 · 29/03/2022 16:56

Ladies ... I am feeling really sad and fed up.

My sister and I both work full time and have 2 young kids. We live only a few minutes apart, and we both live 30 minutes from my Mum. I get very little help from my Mum whilst she gets considerably more. I will preface this by saying that I know getting help from family is not to be expected, and I am genuinely grateful when help is offered, but I feel totally sidelined here. I just don't understand it - my Mum and I have not fallen out, we are on good terms and we speak most days.

My mum doesn't do any childcare for me at the moment - she said she could do a short day once a fortnight if I could drop off and collect my son from her - it wasn't worth it in the end so I just did an extra nursery day. But she has my sister's son once a week for a full day, and drops him home afterwards. She also spontaneously pops over to see her and the kids to 'help her out' and always talks about how exhausted my sister is and how sorry she feels for her. She has her kids overnight too, but she never has my kids unless perhaps we have a really special occasion and then she will have them overnight (maybe 1-2 nights a year). What really stings is that my sister has great in-laws who help her out weekly too, but my in-laws live hours away and we get no support from them.

I am not an outspoken person and I don't want to cause a family argument. I have spoken up a few times e.g. when my Mum says how sorry she feels for my sister and how she needs a break I have pointed out that she doesn't have it that badly and has had quite a few breaks recently, but my Mum just tells me I'm being unfair.

My sister recognises the inequality too but hasn't said anything to my Mum.

Is anyone in the same boat? I just feel a bit dejected and sad.

OP posts:

Horst · 29/03/2022 18:03

Oh and dh has commented to his mum that maybe we should change the girls names to (piss take versions of the boys names) then maybe she will want to spend time with them.

Maslina3 · 29/03/2022 18:07

I think it may be nothing to do with you, or her favouring your sister.
You said your in laws live far away, how often do you see them? How much interaction do they have with your children?
Your sisters in laws live close and help out regularly. I think this maybe competitive grandparenting, your Mum is possible jealous of her grandkids being close to the other grandparents, and with you she does not have to worry about this as she knows she is the closest to your kids.

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 29/03/2022 18:12

@Maslina3

I think it may be nothing to do with you, or her favouring your sister. You said your in laws live far away, how often do you see them? How much interaction do they have with your children? Your sisters in laws live close and help out regularly. I think this maybe competitive grandparenting, your Mum is possible jealous of her grandkids being close to the other grandparents, and with you she does not have to worry about this as she knows she is the closest to your kids.

Interesting perspective. I hadn't considered this.

My in laws are 3 hours away, we see them 3-4 times a year. They speak to the kids on face time once a fortnight. They show very little interest in them (and are generally very odd people). They have never had them for us, even for an hour.

OP posts:

Polyanthus2 · 29/03/2022 18:14

2 people have posted that it's the difficult troublesome child who has now come good that gets favoured.
Maybe they think their child rearing skills sorted the bad child so now they feel warmer towards them.
Or maybe DM was the troublesome child in the family so she identifies with the sis.
Very sad imv. But the DCs won't be little forever.
But those saying the sis can step in when DM is old - that doesn't work as sis will no doubt still be seen as the busy/ overworked/ tired one who needs help , doesnt give help

BlueOverYellow · 29/03/2022 18:14

Your mum is playing favourites. Clearly.

Your sister doesn't have your back, so she is complicit in the favouritism. She has noted it, agreed with you, even talked about you behind your back with Mum, and stays silent because rocking the boat with mum might mean she doesn't get treated as the favourite any longer. Even if that means your relationship deteriorates because of it.

And it should. Both of you should talk to your mum.

You should calmly point out that by all appearances, she's favouring your sister and her children over yours. And that it makes you sad and disappointed because you always thought she was fair with the two of you until you had children.

Your sister should say the same, and add that it will cause hard feelings between the two of you (her daughters) if the favouritism continues, and surely she can't want that?!

Then listen to what she says. Really listen. She'll probably be outraged at the very suggestion. Maybe she wants you two to be at odds. Maybe she does play favourites. But you'll soon know by her reaction.

Your sister should have your back. If she doesn't, you're not as close as you think you are ... she's happy to see you struggling more at her expense, basically.

Dillydollydingdong · 29/03/2022 18:19

Are your dsis' children easier to handle than yours, maybe? Has she got quiet little girls and yours are robust rambunctious boys?

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 29/03/2022 18:28

@Dillydollydingdong

Are your dsis' children easier to handle than yours, maybe? Has she got quiet little girls and yours are robust rambunctious boys?

An interesting one...

My sisters kids are challenging at home (lots of tantrums) but angels with my mum.
My kids are very easy at all times. I know I am lucky with that - they eat well, sleep well and they don't tantrum. That is part of the issue i think - my Mum thinks I have it easy.

OP posts:

Charlavail · 29/03/2022 18:45

My mum always, without fail, calls DD my nieces name.

ExMachinaDeus · 29/03/2022 19:03

Have you always been the coper? I think family patterns get established very early and can be hard to break. If you feel sad or neglected tell your DM but she might be defensive.

This.

Are you the eldest?

Underfrighter · 29/03/2022 19:06

I think you need to talk to her. You don't have to day she is favouring your sister. You dont need to say you think she is being unfair. But you can give her facts that she cant argue with and tell her how you feel about these facts.

Eg you and your sister are at similar stages, same number of kids of same ages, same support from partners (she has more support from in laws), same nursery hours so you could both equally do with a break yet your mum spends much more time with your sisters kids and offers a lot more help. And it makes you feel hurt that this means she feels differently about your sister or your sisters kids to how she feels about you.

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 19:07

How old are the respective kids op?

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 29/03/2022 19:11

@ExMachinaDeus

Have you always been the coper? I think family patterns get established very early and can be hard to break. If you feel sad or neglected tell your DM but she might be defensive.

This.

Are you the eldest?

Yes Im the eldest

OP posts:

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 29/03/2022 19:12

@Laptopsandmouses

How old are the respective kids op?

Mine are 5 and 3, hers are 3 and 2.

OP posts:

Duchess379 · 29/03/2022 19:17

@Acheyknees

In my experience you reap what you sow. My parents never made any effort with my kids when they were young, whereas my DP's stepmother, who lived further away, would always offer to help. Now the children are older we do so much more with the stepmother than we do with my parents. We go for weekends away with DP's parents, have them over for meals etc. When I show my Mum photos of our time away, I get a cat bum face from her. She wants time with the children now they are teenagers but she never have time for them when they were younger. They just aren't that close.

*Cat bum face 😂🐾😆

ExMachinaDeus · 29/03/2022 19:25

Yes Im the eldest

I'm not surprised! Eldest children (and especially eldest girls) are always expected to cope. We are also trained not to ask for help, because we have seen/absorbed our parents - and mothers in particular - have to cope with the next baby. So we learn to look after ourselves from a very young age (trying not to be bitter here I was just 15 months old when my next sibling was born, and born as a sickly baby. I had to stop being a baby myself at that point, and from then on was pretty much developmentally 12 months ahead of other children my age ...)

Christmas1988 · 29/03/2022 19:26

My mum helps my brother and his family out way more than she does for mine, I know it’s because she worries about his son and she doesn’t feel like I need the help. My mum is practically forced in to having my nephew everyday after nursery, she doesn’t like doing it but my brother has put her in an impossible situation. Perhaps your mum feels like you don’t need help and thinks you are doing a great job!

ntsure · 29/03/2022 20:08

If your sister has involved in laws, Is it possible your mum might be trying to not be out-done in the helpful grandparent stakes? That’s the kind of thing my mum would do

Horst · 29/03/2022 20:14

@Acheyknees

Very true my oldest remembers being dropped like a hot potato once the sisters first messiah was born.

At best all they get from him now days is a grunt and that’s when he actually shows his face to them. He won’t even be in the same room as dhs sister or her children.

My parents he plays video games with and goes on walks with playing Pokémon go etc.

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 29/03/2022 20:21

@ntsure

If your sister has involved in laws, Is it possible your mum might be trying to not be out-done in the helpful grandparent stakes? That’s the kind of thing my mum would do

Someone else mentioned this and I just discussed it with my husband and we agree this is a very feasible explanation. Her in-laws do a lot for her, and I think my Mum wouldn't want to be seen as the less helpful one. My in laws do nothing and so my Mum has nobody to compete with.

OP posts:

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 29/03/2022 21:00

I think parents just naturally help/favour some of their kids. My mum has two favourites and me and one sister were pretty much left to raise ourselves (and are actually more successful adults now). My brother is a single dad and actually lives with my mum and they co-parent. But if my youngest sister has a baby we ALL know we won't see our mother for dust. Her baby having a baby! We joke about it more than anything. She sees them as needing her more and honestly it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, they will always be needy.

LolaStrange · 29/03/2022 22:57

My mum definitely prefers my sister. They are friends. I don't have this with her, no falling out, and over time we've naturally drifted apart and we barely speak. Favouritism is definitely a thing.

LolaStrange · 29/03/2022 22:58

Posted too soon*

My mum looks after sister's kids as free childcare, always has. We don't live close but she never asks about my kid or asks to see photos. She doesn't know a thing about him.

anxietyfille · 30/03/2022 04:37

We have similar situation with ils. Dh is eldest, they will have our dc every few months for overnight which is great but always moan about how much childcare they are doing (it's not us!) they have sils child twice a week for working plus most weekends often overnight. The frustrating thing is sils in-laws also have dn several times a week and on weekends plus they have bils two sisters to ask too if childcare is needed. My dm died three years ago and df is too elderly, we literally have no one else to ask. I had a work trip yesterday dh was wfh but couldn't get dc from school so ask fil who doesn't work to pick him up and have him til dh finished. Fil agreed but then complained that dh couldn't just leave work early. The last time we asked fil to pick him up from school was about a year ago. Even when my mum was ill they never offered to help and had a go at me for asking for help when I needed them to have dc during her hospital apps, once because I asked on a day they have dn (I couldn't change appointment) so they had both of them and another time because a treatment day fell on a day fil volunteers and he had to cancel. ( he gave up the volunteering when sil needed him that day every week for dn)

I think some people just come across needier than others and will also push more, sil is very thick skinned and does not take no for an answer, she's also good at getting people to do what she wants and make them think it's their idea. You could talk to your mum and ask why she thinks you need her less but it may cause fallout so it's wether it's worth it.

CatsandDogs22 · 30/03/2022 05:37

I get it OP. My mother has told me she can’t handle 2/3 of my kids (they’re normal fairly well behaved kids but happen to be twins) even as a one off. Even though she regularly looks after my niece and nephews. So I don’t ask for help with any of them. So now she gets all sad and guilt-trippy about not Knowing my kids as well. And also jealous that they see their other grandmother more often and know her better. And I just think well of course it’s that way you made it that way. I have no idea why.

TenRedThings · 30/03/2022 13:19

Is there a difference in your DC and your sisters? I had 2 lively, active boys and got no support whereas my calm little niece is always being looked after.

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