To think that my Mum is favouring my sister over me?

[Rochyella84]

Ladies ... I am feeling really sad and fed up.

My sister and I both work full time and have 2 young kids. We live only a few minutes apart, and we both live 30 minutes from my Mum. I get very little help from my Mum whilst she gets considerably more. I will preface this by saying that I know getting help from family is not to be expected, and I am genuinely grateful when help is offered, but I feel totally sidelined here. I just don't understand it - my Mum and I have not fallen out, we are on good terms and we speak most days.

My mum doesn't do any childcare for me at the moment - she said she could do a short day once a fortnight if I could drop off and collect my son from her - it wasn't worth it in the end so I just did an extra nursery day. But she has my sister's son once a week for a full day, and drops him home afterwards. She also spontaneously pops over to see her and the kids to 'help her out' and always talks about how exhausted my sister is and how sorry she feels for her. She has her kids overnight too, but she never has my kids unless perhaps we have a really special occasion and then she will have them overnight (maybe 1-2 nights a year). What really stings is that my sister has great in-laws who help her out weekly too, but my in-laws live hours away and we get no support from them.

I am not an outspoken person and I don't want to cause a family argument. I have spoken up a few times e.g. when my Mum says how sorry she feels for my sister and how she needs a break I have pointed out that she doesn't have it that badly and has had quite a few breaks recently, but my Mum just tells me I'm being unfair.

My sister recognises the inequality too but hasn't said anything to my Mum.

Is anyone in the same boat? I just feel a bit dejected and sad.

@Rochyella84

Weirdly my Mum and I used to be much closer than she and my sister were. My sister was always quite challenging with behaviour growing up whereas I've always been the 'easy' one. Since having kids she has mellowed a lot and she and my Mum have become much closer.

I wouldn't say I've always been the coper though, I'd say both my sister and I are pretty capable efficient people!

I should add that my sister and I are actually very close. I don't resent her for this....I'm more upset with my Mum really and just questioning why my sister is seen as this 'victim' who needs lots of help and support whilst I apparently can cope fine on my own.

Oh my, you are me op. I've finally gone very very lc with my sister. I'm sick of being the coper. when I was in the depths of pnd with newborn twins who were extremely prem and ventilated, I nearly died too, my mum fucked off for two hours to take a call from my sister as she was worried about her job. Straw that finally broke my back. I have a relationship with my mum but it's not on an emotional level at all.

@LittleOwl153

All these folks whose sisters are getting preferential treatment for childcare/support just remember to take a very large step back when it comes to elder support... you reap what you sow after all.

Except mines fucked off to Oz, so it'll be me, doing it!

Lousy op. I find if I dont jump to my mums wishes its taken out on teens. Nothing in birthday cards that type of thing. But yes not nice if 1 sister singled out

It may just be worth asking her outright. "Mum, you help sister out a lot with the kids, but don't seem to do the same for me. Is there a particular reason?"

Ooh, I really identify with a lot of this. We only have my DPs - no family on DH’s side. So it really matters. They used to help loads despite living at a distance, when we just had one DC. But then within six months, we had DC2, Covid hit - and we acquired a DN/they acquired a DGS - who just happens to live very close to them.

Putting it bluntly, it feels as though they don’t feel the need to maintain the relationship with DC1 (who had a very strong relationship with them pre-Covid) because they now have DN, who is local, younger and more compliant (DC1 may be neurodiverse and we have had some behaviour issues in the past 2 years, he’s wonderful but quite complicated). And they have just stopped making an effort.

They only see us if we visit and stay with them, which can only really happen in school holidays. They rarely ring. All the angst about not being able to see the DCs during Covid has now evaporated - they can but won’t. They still can’t see us during term time because DC1 is in school, we work in London so commute on public transport, etc. So it’s too risky. They wouldn’t even see us outside for DC2’s birthday. But they look after DN every week and do things like stay in hotels and eat in restaurants. And when we do visit, although it’s lovely to see DN, my DM often seems to have extra caring commitments for him. So I have to admit, it’s difficult not to take it personally. And while none of us are entitled to help, it’s hard when you see your DPs willingly helping one of you but not both. So I understand how you feel. YANBU.

Just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive messages. Its nice to know I'm not alone though sad to read that others are in the same boat. I will consider saying something but I hate confrontation and feel it would be met defensively.

My sisters kids are challenging at home (lots of tantrums) but angels with my mum.
My kids are very easy at all times. I know I am lucky with that - they eat well, sleep well and they don't tantrum. That is part of the issue i think - my Mum thinks I have it easy.

I think this could be the problem. She may see it as your Sister needs the break as her kids are more of a handful whereas she sees it as you have it easy so don't need the break.

You're definitely not BU though, surely she knows herself how openly different she is treating you both!

I was a childminder for two cousins. Occasionally, their grandmother picked them up. She confessed to me that she preferred to look after one over the other .The reason was that the parents had different parenting styles and some expectations were too much for her. I knew from looking after them , that this was true. Very lively kids as opposed to much more low key kids .
Wonder if your mother just finds your sister's kids easier to look after ?
BTW , I did tell the grandmother that it could lead to people being very hurt and upset.

I actually think it makes things worse if it’s a case of finding one grandchild easier to look after, it’s a bit harsh to reject your own grandchildren in that way. It’s basically saying she likes them better then the other and that’s awful

I know but it is often the reality. Just trying to find an explanation for OP.

I think you should throw into the family conversation when both your Mum and DSis are present that X (made-up friend) is relieved that she's not having to do any elderly care now her mum is old because she received zero help with her DC whilst her sister got lots, so the fictional sister is having to step up.

Make a "joke" that it'll be the same when your DM needs help; I.e. you'll be able to do the odd hour here and there but DSis will need to be doing full days of care and having your mum over nights etc as it's only fair to mirror what's happening now with the GC.

It may make both of them think about the situation clearly and whilst your DSis is gaining both money and time now, long term that could turn on it's head if she becomes your mum's primary carer.

We've had this too. All I can tell you is I will be remembering it all when it's time for old age care.