The letter finally came. I’m really upset

[Hell0G00dbye]

Long story short DD has followed the 98th centile for weight since my 37 week growth scan. She has followed it perfectly and consistently which was applauded for the 6 months I breastfed and since then has been a big issue with the HV team. She’s at school and I’ve just received the letter saying she’s very overweight.

What can I do? She eats good, home cooked food, has the odd treat but generally healthy and normal child portions. She’s very active both structured (does dance, swimming and gymnastics) every week and unstructured (walks the 40 minute round trip to school daily, parks and long walks on a weekend, runs around the garden. She doesn’t look fat (to me) but she is solid and does feel heavy to pick up.

The letter says contact the doctor or HV but I’ve taken her before. GP says she’s absolutely fine and will grow into her weight and had no concerns. HV just weighed and said she’s still overweight and to watch portions. Day to day I don’t worry about it as she looks fine and is super active but the letter has taken me right back to her 2 year check and being made to go monthly to the HV for weight checks and their disapproving looks when she continued along her centile.

NB: she has followed the 98th centile but I think the issue is she isn’t 98th for height so her BMI puts her at very overweight.

Doctors are telling you that your daughter is fine. Yet you let these weight people and their mystical charts shake your confidence. I remember years ago Brad Pitt was classed as obese. This caused a massive outpouring of resentment directed at those who weighed and could not interpret it properly. Brad Pitt had muscle and bone weight.
Your daughter walks and exercises a great deal. Ignore the letter.

There's a whole heap of denial on this thread. Centiles work for the vast, vast majority of children, that's why they're used. We've become too used to seeing overweight children and have forgotten what a normal, healthy weight looks like (skinny, visible ribs/collar bone/shoulder blades).

Sorry OP, some children just have a tendency to gain weight - looks like you've got one of those. Don't make a big thing about it, don't let your DC know you're doing it, but look at what a healthy child's portion is. Maybe buy smaller plates so they don't feel deprived. Kids need diets higher in fat than adults, but not massively so - you don't need to be giving full-fat milk etc.

Her activity levels sound fine so focus on diet.

Why did you continue to engage with the hv to keep weighing her? What exactly were you achieving? I refused the hv for my 3rd child, just a waste of my time and energy. I've breastfed all 3 of mine (still feeding the 3rd) I don't really weigh ours (maybe stick them on the scales every 6 months) but they all track the 50th line, all very healthy. Me and my husband are average height, both normal weight so it's common sense to think our children will be similar build. If either of you are very tall, your child is going to be very tall and therefore heavier, dare i say it i think genes also play a role in weight too (though yes behaviour has a huge impact!). Fixating on charts and weighing children isn't healthy, if you know your child eats well and is active, just ignore. If you are having a fry up 7 days a week and don't move off the sofa then yes make changes obviously. Unless your child is seriously overweight and you are eating well/exercising I don't seen any point in going to the doctors. An otherwise healthy child who's weight isn't precisely on a graph is not a cause for concern or need for medical intervention.

The other thing is - did you gain a lot of weight in pregnancy? As that can cause a baby to weigh more than is healthy in utero and in the early months/years.

This is why I opted out of my reception child being weighed - it creates unnecessary concern and could do harm or damage in the long run. Some kids are just hefty, no matter their diet or activity level. I ate the same as my brother and sister growing up and did the same sorts of activities; they were both beanpoles and I was solid. I went on to develop an eating disorder as a result of being put on a restrictive diet as a child, so I’m much more wary than most about this topic, but carry on the way you are, don’t draw attention to her weight and praise her abilities, and I’m sure she’ll either grown into her frame or just be one of those solid people - nothing wrong with that!

Her lifestyle and diet sound very healthy and you and your DH are obviously well-placed and qualified to judge, so I doubt that you're 'in denial' whatever some posters are saying. I'm really not sure yogurts, fruit or toast are a problem either (and I'm sure your DH would know); and I don't know why Febrier is assuming she has cake at parties 'most weekends'.
As a screening process and using BMI as a measure, presumably it's a fairly blunt instrument? I'm technically underweight according to my BMI, but I eat loads (other people tell me so) and am active and energetic.

@Crimesean I agree I think she is prone to holding onto weight more than other kids. In fairness you can see her ribs and shoulder blades! I use small childrens plates and she hasn’t had FF milk since she was 2 on HV instruction. I cook with heathy oils and use small amounts of real butter instead of margerine. One thing that’s dropped off since she’s started school is batch cooking healthy meals and we tend to grab something quicker (still healthy but maybe jacket potato with tuna or whole grain pasta pesto with sweetcorn and peas). This weekend I’m going to batch cook some healthy meals so I’ve got quick stuff with loads of veg in them for after school when everyone’s knackered.

I'm totally expecting to get the letter too. DC is 5 and he's short, a bit stocky and he's all cheeks. He can go from looking a bit chunky to looking really quite slim in the space of a week. He's definitely not a skinny kid but he eats well, is active and he's always been big, even as a baby. He isn't fat but he's not "all limbs" either. If he's anything like his uncle (or his dad tbf) he will be shorter and a little round until about secondary school and then he'll shoot up and get really slim.

I think if you honestly know you're doing all the right things then I would just ignore the letter. I was tempted to not have mine weighed at all but he wanted to because all of his friends are doing it, so I let him do it. I think this will be the last time I do it though, because I'm trying really hard to help him have a healthy relationship with food and his own body. I suffered from an eating disorder for more than a decade and I'm in a good place now, and I'll do everything I can to ensure he doesn't get an ED. I'd be happy for him to have some puppy fat when he's growing up if it meant that he had a healthy relationship with food.

@DameHelena very true I like to think me and DH are educated enough on it all! And yes parties are maybe monthly so not every weekend.

Hell0G00dbye

id be temped to photograph everything she eats - send this to the HV and ask them to explain what you should change

fact is children grow at different rates etc and if you don't fit into a particular pigeon hole they don't like it

my dd was large and at 2 the HV told me she was overweight, I told him shed grow and as I knew what she eat it'd be fine

in the following year she put on 2ilb and grew upwards considerably

I don't think anyone had heard about the word centile or percentile in the era when I had children.. All Mothers would know what their children were like. as in weight and the rest., and nobody had stupid letters sent to them about such things.,

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

Why did you continue to engage with the hv to keep weighing her? What exactly were you achieving? I refused the hv for my 3rd child, just a waste of my time and energy. I've breastfed all 3 of mine (still feeding the 3rd) I don't really weigh ours (maybe stick them on the scales every 6 months) but they all track the 50th line, all very healthy. Me and my husband are average height, both normal weight so it's common sense to think our children will be similar build. If either of you are very tall, your child is going to be very tall and therefore heavier, dare i say it i think genes also play a role in weight too (though yes behaviour has a huge impact!). Fixating on charts and weighing children isn't healthy, if you know your child eats well and is active, just ignore. If you are having a fry up 7 days a week and don't move off the sofa then yes make changes obviously. Unless your child is seriously overweight and you are eating well/exercising I don't seen any point in going to the doctors. An otherwise healthy child who's weight isn't precisely on a graph is not a cause for concern or need for medical intervention.

She was my first and I was just trying to do the right thing. I thought maybe I needed some kind of intervention and I thought by engaging with the HV they would see I was taking their concerns seriously. One HV made an offhand comment about children being removed for being overweight and it terrified me so I didn’t want to give them cause of concern. When she was this age I had just had my younger DS and had bad Pnd so was seeing the HV a lot for both of them.

Op

I am interested in your child herself rather than what you feed her

Is she pestering you for food lots?
Always asks for seconds?
When you’re dining at family events and you not cooking and can’t “supervise” so much - what is she like… up and down the buffet? Piling plates, hoovering up leftovers?

@Febrier

Perhaps it’s more helpful to think, “how many weeks of the year do we have zero junk sugar?”.

How many weeks is acceptable??

My DC have school puddings which probably have sugar in, every day... In the holidays they have sugar at Christmas and Easter, add in holidays, birthday cake and party bags and I'd say zero!

@Hell0G00dbye I think your attitude is good, as in thinking how can your DD (and all the family's) diet and exercise be improved, rather than ignoring the letter entirely. Hell, we can all make small or big improvements to our diets somewhere. Improvements can be small steps, reducing processed food, adding an extra walk a week or something similar. I often say No to snacks after school if dinner isn't going to be too late (my DC are secondary school aged).

Op

I recall your recent thread about your fairly extreme anxiety and worry about friendships for your 4 year old DD.

And now this.

And on another thread, you allude to not being happy with your DH (and interestingly * there was no Nutella left as DH has eaten it all out the jar over the past month * - does he overeat!)

I think perhaps you need to be honest with the school about your generalised anxiety and ask for support

Get your Doctor DH to send them a thank you but as they know the body fat index and weight percentiles are very rough guide for kids. Thank you for your concern and goodbye letter!

I used to work in a school office and had to organise these visits. I thought they were a waste of time because I knew which children would get a letter just by looking at them; they were clearly overweight.
Sorry op I don’t mean to be harsh but can you check her portion sizes.

@Crimesean

There's a whole heap of denial on this thread. Centiles work for the vast, vast majority of children, that's why they're used. We've become too used to seeing overweight children and have forgotten what a normal, healthy weight looks like (skinny, visible ribs/collar bone/shoulder blades).

Sorry OP, some children just have a tendency to gain weight - looks like you've got one of those. Don't make a big thing about it, don't let your DC know you're doing it, but look at what a healthy child's portion is. Maybe buy smaller plates so they don't feel deprived. Kids need diets higher in fat than adults, but not massively so - you don't need to be giving full-fat milk etc.

Her activity levels sound fine so focus on diet.

Sadly this, there is alot of denial out there. And OP you sound like you are going to take a look and see what changes might need to be made, which is the best thing you can do for her.

I had 4 friends who all got the your child is overweight letter about that age. All 4 were outraged and certain their child was the perfect weight. Their children were not 'fat' to look at, but they certainly were not 'skinny'. They were possibly just only slightly on the chunky side, but certainly not fat.

Fast forward 4 years and every single one of them is now decidedly podgy. All with bellies. They are 9 years old.

I think recognising early on when the child is not visibly looking what we'd call fat, but realising they are in fact bigger than most of their peers is when you can make the most difference. Its only going to get worse if as parents we refuse to tackle the problem before it gets too bad. As they grow.

All of my 4 friends also insisted their DC had healthy diets. They really didn't. I can only go on what we talked occasionally about and saw obviously. But it always seemed like there was a lot of processed stuff being given along with some veg (which they rarely ate).

I'd ignore it & opt out of the Y6 weight & height measuring in future.
Great to be thinking about how you can make meals healthier but it sounds like your dd is fine.
I was nagged repeatedly over dd2 when she was a toddler & she grew up to be absolutely fine. I had absolutely no intention of taking their advice anyway, most of it was delivered in a patronising manner by a very overweight HCP.

found it really sad in the letter that is said along with physical health problems being overweight can cause low self esteem and lack of confidence. Children and adults should be allowed to have high self esteem and be self confident even if overweight for goodness sake.

Of course they are allowed, but many don't and that's the reality. Its not inaccurate to say that being overweight has a bearing on self esteem etc as it invariably does, whether it should is a different matter.

I’m going to sit with DH tonight and just look at our lifestyles with a critical eye and see where we can improve

This is good, for every 'my child was fine' are many who are overweight, a scary amount of children are now and what constitutes a healthy weight, diet and level of activity can be quite warped. I suspect many of those in the chuck it away and ignore are in denial about the weight of their children; it's very positive that you're open to looking into it. I'd be really honest about what she's actually eating, healthy foods can still be overeaten. Sounds harsh as my parents did the best they could and it was complex, but I hate that they didn't try and address my weight when I was flagged as being overweight- it wasn't mythical puppy fat, I didn't miraculously slim down- I just had a childhood and beyond of being bullied, mocked and it was harder to establish good habits when older.

Ignore it those charts are rubbish my dd was always on the 98th from birth she wasn't a huge child but was big boned and tall for her age.

She now 17, 5"8, ladies size 14, 36F bra, she had perfectly flat tummy, she certainly isn't fat or overweight. I don't think any amount of dieting would ever get her to a size 8 because she just built with a bigger frame

If you know your child eats well, gets exercise etc then that's the main thing

It varies so much between children in terms of how they eat and exercise and their own metabolisms that these letters can only ever be a really blunt and sometimes misdirected tool.

DD eats adult sized portions of food and can put it away like crazy but remains teeny and skinny - she isn’t even an especially active child though she does do ballet and dance. The one thing I find is that she doesn’t really snack - she rarely eats anything between meals and if she does then her eating patterns go a bit weird. It seems to work best for her just to stick to mealtimes and not eat in between, and she seems to be happy with that too.

I find you need to let them adjust a bit throughout the week, also - lots of days DD will put away massive plates of pasta, chilli etc.; and then she’ll have the odd day where she really isn’t hungry and just picks. I’ve learned to let her adjust her appetite herself and not worry about it on the days when she doesn’t feel that hungry.

Also agree with pp about only drinking water rather than other drinks - DD isn’t banned from the odd fruit juice or coca-cola, especially at parties or eating out; but we normally only have water in the house.

Shred it ! And say nothing to your DD. If you are comfortable with her diet and exercise and she doesn't have a sweet stash under her bed, ignore it. We are all individuals and our bodies metabolise in different ways. If you're really concerned, get GP to check whether her metabolism is working well (whatever that means). I threw all those letters in the bin..... and remember this....

BMI is not an accurate predictor of health because it does not account for body fat percentage or body fat distribution. In addition, BMI cannot accurately predict the health of different demographics and races because it was created with data from only white Europeans.

(Also I’m overweight and DD will eat the same portion sizes as me so we are definitely not some kind of health freak skinny family !)