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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is unfair to DP?

80 replies

CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 10:48

DP & I were having this discussion last night, looking for some wider views. Apologies if this is long:

I'll start off by saying DP's parents were always quite strict with him growing up, he had a lot of chores/work he had to do, rules to follow as they believed in hard work but they were never quite as strict with his brother.

My DP and I bought our house and moved in together a couple of years ago. When DP was staying at home, he paid £400 dig money per month. His parents didn't need the money as they were financially comfortable but I can understand they wanted to teach DP financial responsibilities etc. DP's parents were very much "do it on your own" people so we got no help from them towards deposit or furnishings when buying our house (my mum is worse off financially so would not have been able to help) but this was fine as we had saved ourselves and were proud of getting our house off the back of our own hard work (I took on an additional part-time job around my main full-time job and DP signed up for all the overtime he could get).

However this is where DP's brother comes in. He is 25 yrs old, a few years younger than DP, but very much a free spirit. I've known him since he was 16 and to be honest he hasn't grown up or changed at all since then. He acts like a child, swings back on his seat in restaurants, plays a lot of silly pranks like you would expect from a teenager and does a lot of stupid dares (I think his friends are of a similar mindset).

Anyway DP's brother never did very well at school, failed most of his exams, he didn't like classroom learning, never did homework/studying and he was always the class clown. Since leaving school he has bounced about various jobs as he wouldn't stick them out i.e. working somewhere for 3 weeks then quitting because he didn't like it. He also did a 5 month stint in the Army but didn't like it either. For the last couple of years he's worked part-time in retail and hasn't paid dig money. All the while DP's parents haven't been as strict with him as they would with DP if he had a similar experience.

After DP moved out his brother decided he wanted his own place. So DP's parents helped the brother look for a flat to rent, helped with deposit and first months rent, furnishing the flat etc. Keep in mind DP was told he couldn't move out until he had worked hard and saved enough of his own money.

Now DP doesn't drive and wants to learn, he mentioned this to his parents a few weeks ago how it would be quite expensive for lessons etc with now paying a mortgage, bills and they said well if you can't afford it you'll just need to stick to the bus. Fast forward to last weekend and we found out DP's parents are paying for the brother to get driving lessons.

DP & I feel like this is unfair. DP spent years paying £400 per month dig money and also saving most of the rest of his wages for a mortgage so couldn't really afford driving lessons and now DP's parents are paying for the brother's driving lessons? Bearing in mind the brother never paid digs and they also substitute his living by paying for his weekly shop etc

Are me and my DP being unreasonable to think this is unfair?

OP posts:

Piggy42 · 29/03/2022 10:50

Of course that’s unfair. I think your dp should ask why there is such a massive disparity in their treatment of the two brothers.

lonelydad2022 · 29/03/2022 10:53

Yes, you are. He is a grown-up with his own family and expects his parents to pay for driving lessons.

Original poster

CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 10:56

@lonelydad2022

Yes, you are. He is a grown-up with his own family and expects his parents to pay for driving lessons.

@lonelydad2022 we don't have a family yet, it's just the two of us. DP wasn't asking nor expecting his parents to pay, he just happened to mention the expense of driving lessons to his parents and they said if he couldn't afford it he'd need to stick to the bus but we just happened to find out at the weekend that they are paying for the brother's driving lessons

OP posts:

1stTimeMama · 29/03/2022 10:57

It is unfair, but there's nothing to be done about it. They get to make their own decisions, just like you and your DP. It was very similar in my house, when I left school at 16 I was given the ultimatum of full time college, full time job, or leave. I went straight in to work 2 weeks after I left school, bought my own car, paid for my own lessons, paid housekeeping etc. My younger brother failed all his A levels, then decided to have a gap year. From what I don't know because he'd not done anything yet! That year turned in to 10, which he spent playing computer games, and frittering away some savings our grandparents had given us. He was in his early 30's when he finally got a job, got married and bought a house. Not once were any pressures put on him to make his own way in life, and it's not set him up well for adult life at all.

BarbaraofSeville · 29/03/2022 10:57

That sounds incredibly unfair, they're rewarding idleness, clowning around and refusal to grow up and do boring adulting and punishing the other child who applied himself, worked hard and was independent.

Helping your DP with driving lessons would be a relatively small compensation for the inequality in treatment described in the OP.

Ozanj · 29/03/2022 10:58

He needs to raise this directly with his parents. Nothing to do with you, so stop stirring the pot.

Original poster

CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 11:05

@Ozanj

He needs to raise this directly with his parents. Nothing to do with you, so stop stirring the pot.

@Ozanj sorry you feel like i'm stirring the pot, my partner and I were just looking for some wider views/opinions on this before he speaks to his parents and we worked together on this post.

OP posts:

CharSiu · 29/03/2022 11:05

DH has one sister, she is shit at life, I need to not hijack your thread and relate how bloody useless she is in detail.

She has always been rewarded for being shit at life as her parents feel sorry for her. It culminated in her Father, DH parents are divorced, leaving all his worldly possessions to her four years ago including a 300k house.

It’s at the point MIL needs to sell her house and move North to us because the sister owes her thousands. I have seen 25 years of this unfairness. There is nothing you can do.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 29/03/2022 11:08

He needs to directly ask his parents why his brother wasn’t also told to get the bus if he can’t afford it.
It must be really helpful to him to clearly be 2nd in his parents affections.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 29/03/2022 11:11

Charsui

How terrible.
My DH has a slightly similar sister (though not as bad)
The difference is that we benefit from her shitness because the parents insist on being fair so for example when she didn’t have enough money to fix her car (because obviously fake nails, eyelashes and Botox are more important) we were given the same amount of money to spend on what we saw fit.

Nothing wrong with helping out your children, everything wrong with being so unequal about it.

Sirzy · 29/03/2022 11:13

On the face of it it sounds very unfair.

He needs to decide if he wants to keep quiet to keep the peace or raise it and risk opening a can of worms

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/03/2022 11:14

It is rubbish and they are treated very differently but sadly that’s their choice, they sound like rubbish parents.

JennySpanner · 29/03/2022 11:14

They're clearly treating them differently and it's not fair. However you can't tell your in laws how to parent their adult children, there's no point looking at what your brother in law gets and keeping tabs hoping you/ your DH will get the same. It not yours or your DHs - it's your in laws to do with as they see fit.

Your only power in this situation is to react to their decisions as you see fit. Your DH can choose to be angry with them for this, etc but you can't demand financial help you are all adults. The consequences of their actions for them could be that it damages their relationship with you and your DH for example.

Don't covet other people's money. Your DH needs to save up for the driving lessons if he wants them. He's done everything on his own so far why stop now.

KrisAkabusi · 29/03/2022 11:14

It's not fair, but its got nothing to do with you or him. It's up to his parents how they spend their money. You don't know if anything is going on in the background, or if there's an agreement in place, but you have no right to know either.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 29/03/2022 11:15

It sounds like they see your dp as a capable adult, and his brother as a child, they are probably trying to help him get independence and a reliable job (which a driving license would help with) so they don't have to look after him anymore.

Its not fair for your dp financially, but he should be proud he's stood on his own two feet and isn't a manchild reliant on his parents for everything.

Staryflight445 · 29/03/2022 11:18

They sound toxic, talking to them is pointless. Your oh will always be the problem to them with this.

grapewines · 29/03/2022 11:19

At least it's not a 300k house while they're asking you for money. Look up that thread.

Of course it's unfair. Being dependent on parents is a way of life to some.

TheOrigRights · 29/03/2022 11:22

I think this is far more common that you might think.

My parents enabled my youngest sisters depression and other MH issues by never challenging her, doing exactly what she demanded and spoiling her.
She has never taken responsibility for any of her bad decisions; it's always someone else's fault.
To have confronted my parents would have broken our relationship.

No one was going to change so I focussed on my own life and family and had a relationship with my parents and sister on my own terms.

CheshireCats · 29/03/2022 11:23

You do know that £400 "dig money" was them subsidising your dp right? It was not them making money out of him still being at home as an adult?
Yes, the helping brother to rent a flat is unfair. But it is nothing to do with you and also it doesn't mean your grown adult home owning partner can expect them to pay for his driving lessons. Maybe they are helping their younger son into a flat because they want to finally enjoy their home life child free.

zoemum2006 · 29/03/2022 11:26

Who would your DP rather be: a confident independent grown-up man who runs he’s own life or a man child taken care of by his parents?

I bet they aren’t nearly as proud of his. brother as they are of your DP.

You could say it’s unfair that your DP is so much more capable at life?

zoemum2006 · 29/03/2022 11:27

his

CandlesAtDinner · 29/03/2022 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/03/2022 11:28

Yes, I agree with this. People who get on with things and make their own way, however much a struggle, are viewed as being much more capable and even 'privileged' - and 'encouraged' with 'tough love' to persevere, whereas those who simply can't be bothered to even try are seen as helpless victims who will never achieve much.

It will be very interesting to see which son the parents expect to be there to help them when they get elderly and need somebody capable and responsible to advocate for them and help organise their lives.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/03/2022 11:30

Yup... Of course its unfair.

It's the sort of behaviour that has horrible ongoing consequences...

That somehow you're not 'loved enough'

He needs to raise it with his parents.

Aprilx · 29/03/2022 11:32

My parents helped my younger sister more than me, because she needed it more than me. I couldn’t get worked up over this, I am proud of myself knowing that I did everything by myself.

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