To think that this is unfair to DP?

[CornflakesWithSugar]

DP & I were having this discussion last night, looking for some wider views. Apologies if this is long:

I'll start off by saying DP's parents were always quite strict with him growing up, he had a lot of chores/work he had to do, rules to follow as they believed in hard work but they were never quite as strict with his brother.

My DP and I bought our house and moved in together a couple of years ago. When DP was staying at home, he paid £400 dig money per month. His parents didn't need the money as they were financially comfortable but I can understand they wanted to teach DP financial responsibilities etc. DP's parents were very much "do it on your own" people so we got no help from them towards deposit or furnishings when buying our house (my mum is worse off financially so would not have been able to help) but this was fine as we had saved ourselves and were proud of getting our house off the back of our own hard work (I took on an additional part-time job around my main full-time job and DP signed up for all the overtime he could get).

However this is where DP's brother comes in. He is 25 yrs old, a few years younger than DP, but very much a free spirit. I've known him since he was 16 and to be honest he hasn't grown up or changed at all since then. He acts like a child, swings back on his seat in restaurants, plays a lot of silly pranks like you would expect from a teenager and does a lot of stupid dares (I think his friends are of a similar mindset).

Anyway DP's brother never did very well at school, failed most of his exams, he didn't like classroom learning, never did homework/studying and he was always the class clown. Since leaving school he has bounced about various jobs as he wouldn't stick them out i.e. working somewhere for 3 weeks then quitting because he didn't like it. He also did a 5 month stint in the Army but didn't like it either. For the last couple of years he's worked part-time in retail and hasn't paid dig money. All the while DP's parents haven't been as strict with him as they would with DP if he had a similar experience.

After DP moved out his brother decided he wanted his own place. So DP's parents helped the brother look for a flat to rent, helped with deposit and first months rent, furnishing the flat etc. Keep in mind DP was told he couldn't move out until he had worked hard and saved enough of his own money.

Now DP doesn't drive and wants to learn, he mentioned this to his parents a few weeks ago how it would be quite expensive for lessons etc with now paying a mortgage, bills and they said well if you can't afford it you'll just need to stick to the bus. Fast forward to last weekend and we found out DP's parents are paying for the brother to get driving lessons.

DP & I feel like this is unfair. DP spent years paying £400 per month dig money and also saving most of the rest of his wages for a mortgage so couldn't really afford driving lessons and now DP's parents are paying for the brother's driving lessons? Bearing in mind the brother never paid digs and they also substitute his living by paying for his weekly shop etc

Are me and my DP being unreasonable to think this is unfair?

I think the outcome for the parents will be that they are shocked that they are being asked. They have a reason in their own minds why this is which probably seems perfectly fair and reasonable to them.

I really think a lot depends on their answer (my DPs just gave a chunk of money to my bro, then have sent me a similar amount - that i told them i don't need - to me in the name of fairness, which is fine by me, and I would have been fine without it. I appreciate that they thought it through though). If i were DP? I'd mention it, because it may come up in the future that they are relying on DP to step up for them, if they see him as the competent one etc. I would then probably point out to them that their investment in one child and not the other has consequences. Not that I'd leave them destitute or severely struggling, but that the brother should always be the first port of call. Probably. I'm not sure, tbh. It really would depend on their reasoning.

What are his parents like as people towards him ?

IF the case is they've actually pushed him because they know he can do it alone vs his brother cannot then I think it's fair. If they seem to favour his brother in any emotional way I would say unfair.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask PILS why they are paying for DB to get driving lessons instead of telling him to get the bus too, and that on the face of it is seems very unfair.

I have a similar situation with my sibling, who if I added up how much they have had off our parents over the years I would probably be very cross.

HOWEVER, the sibling has major mental health issues and is not really capable of professional work. I think that my parents are just doing whatever they can to try and help my sibling to live independently.

There is no point in being bitter about it. One day you might have children with very different needs and I doubt you would be interested in your DIL judging how you manage that. Yes it is annoying, but ultimately Id much rather be me than them.

I knew a family that was like that with their two children, I was close enough to one day ask why they were treating their two children with such a different approach (obviously phrased it much better to them) the answer surprised me quite a bit. They said that the child they never helped was the one they were actually the most proud of because they felt that she could do it all on her own like they had done. She was strong, she didn't need them. Unlike her brother who was helpless so they felt that they had to constantly support him and hold his hand. They thought that by helping her, they would be somehow destroying the perfect image of their perfect child.

Sometimes there can be slight differences with children , but the ones you describe are big and ongoing.

Your partner needs to own his upset and not feel bad about it.

He also needs to step back and take some time to reflect on his parents general behaviour towards him.

Favouritism is not good and he doesn't need to be around it if he doesn't wish to be.

I imagine they knew the brother would never leave without being pushed.

I feel for your DP though and I would ask them about it.

I think it's very common for the oldest child to be treated less favourably than the younger ones.

I had to give my parents a third of my take-home pay as soon as I started work, and I left home at 19. My DB lived with them for nothing, firstly because "He needs the money for driving lessons" then because "He's saving up for a deposit to buy a flat".

My late DP was the oldest of four, and each one was treated more favourably than the one before. I've seen it loads of times with friends, too.

But it definitely isn't fair.

@lonelydad2022

Yes, you are. He is a grown-up with his own family and expects his parents to pay for driving lessons.

I think you’re missing the point. Why is there such a big difference between the treatment of both brothers?

If I were parents to the work shy son I would happily pay for a flat and driving lessons so he is independently living and no longer in my home. Having said that he has no incentive to work harder or become financially independent. Yes it is unfair the way your dh has been treated financially but I think it sounds like your dh has a much better life than his brother after all your dh has achieved has been through his hard work and this was thanks to his parents

People are different, including siblings. The older brother is more able and they have met his abilities. The younger brother obviously has some problems if he can't hold down a job and needs more help. It is unequal but would it be fair if they distributed the money equally and one brother thrived while the other became destitute?

Sounds like it's not fair on DPs brother. Your DP has grown into a mature sensible young man. His brother has been held back and kept a teenager. They've parented your DP better than his brother.

The treatment is certainly not equal between the brothers.
However, are you sure there isn’t more going on? Does the younger brother have SEND for example which affects his ability to adult? If not, it could be pure favouritism which is common and most often the youngest child is the spoiled favourite while the oldest child is raised more harshly and is given more responsibility at a younger age.

This happened with me and my siblings. They still live at home at 26 and 22, rent/keep free. I paid more living there than what I pay now with a mortgage and on my weekly food shop for a family of 4.

My mother totally took the pss out of me.*

It didn't prepare me for independent living, it actually made things really difficult for me emotionally and financially.

However, my sisters have no financial understanding and no desire to move out or home so..:

Your last sentence is key there. Your mother knew that you were strong and capable - albeit not without struggles and hardship along the way - and you were a threat to her dominance. Her answer was to be full-on financially controlling, in a way that she never felt the need to do so with your sisters, as she doesn't see them as a threat to her dominance.

Some terrible parents really do think that their children growing up and gaining independence to live their own adult lives is somehow something to be feared and prevented, rather than the normal way that things should be.

It's no negative reflection on you as a parent when your grown-up children have become strong adults and no longer need you to treat them like toddlers - quite the opposite in fact (obviously not including cases of severe disability and/or learning difficulties in that last bit).

Life is easier for you now knowing that if his parents need care, you'll be leaving it to the feckless brother to sort out.....

Fair isn’t always equal. Your partner earned a good full time wage and paid a reasonably low amount for room and board while living at home as an adult compared to moving out. His brother earned less and paid less.

Would it be more “fair” to have made the brother pay £400 if he couldn’t afford it?

It’s weird that he even mentioned to his parents that he wanted to take driving lessons but couldn’t afford it.

They're not doing the younger brother any favours. They're making a rod for their own backs and this is where middle aged men who sponge off mummy and daddy come from.

Your husband needs to accept that his parents are not the parents he wishes he had. They are flawed. They will never be able to treat him in a way that is fair. You can't change an adult who doesn't want to change and at some level the parents know they are taking the Mick.

A life lived well is the best revenge.

Don't lend the golden child money or get him out of scrapes. Live your best lives.

I think some posters here are going straight for the traditional MN pile-on that usually happens with inheritance threads.

This is nothing whatsoever to do with what you want/expect your parents to provide for you once you've grown up - it's the blatant deliberate unfairness of it all.

We're not talking here about crazy complaints from one able-bodied son that his disabled brother is bought a wheelchair when he doesn't get one too - it's purely like-for-like in scenarios where they both need/would greatly benefit from something equally and one has whatever he asks for handed to him on a plate, his entire life, whilst the other is told that life is tough and he can just get stuffed.

also find it weird and grabby that you are sticking your beak in. I would not dream of commenting on how my FIL treats my husband versus his two brothers, I wouldn’t even investigate

What a load of pious nonsense, your partner is upset and talks to you about a situation that is really upsetting....and you wouldn't say a thing? Its normal for couples to communicate.

The thing is if you had adult children and one was thriving, owned a home with a partner, had a job that earned well and they enjoyed and was on the path for a successful and happy life, then the other struggled with school, struggled to maintain a typical job, despite all your encouragement didn’t seem to thrive in an independent life would you give them both X even though child 2 still fell below the sibling or do you help them both in different ways in order to help them both get to the same end?
Would you help both out with school the same amount even though one is as struggling and the other was flying?

You want both your children to have the same chance at a successful and happy life, but they likely won’t be on the same path to get there.

Would it be more fair for the parents to pay for OPs partners husband even though he owns a home and the brother has little savings or possibly of purchasing a house?

Fair isn’t always equal and different kids need different levels of support.

I understand how you feel. My mother-in-law supports DH brother who is now a 50+ adult who pays a pittance, £50 pw. In doing so she does not qualify for single occupation reduction in council tax. In addition she cooks for him, irons and cleans and pays for his takeaway once a week. He does not lift a finger. You might think as she is 80 if she feels unwell he would be there to help her out but no, if she feels unwell she rings DH. We live over 150 miles away but when she rang DH ordered her an online shop and rushed up at the weekend to clean her house and make a fuss of her. Son who lives at home is odd, he comes home from work and goes straight to his room. He comes down collects his dinner and eats in his room. He barely speaks to anyone including his Mum. I used to get upset for Dh, now I just ignore the behaviour. It is so obvious who her favourite is. I think you will need to learn to do the same and ignore in-laws behaviour. Leave you to DH to either say something to them or not to as he chooses. When fil was alive he always said house would be left to 2 sons equally. It would not surprise me if his Mum has changed will so his brother gets house and all contents and DH just gets a bit of money. I know he will be upset/devistated if that were to happen.

Absolutely agree with a PP, your DP should ask his parents in a help me understand this way...

The reason being, it will continue, especially after children, more money for this n that then relying more on your DP for help in old age, inheritance etc it will grow n fester however much your DP pulls away unless he goes completely NC. Because they're his parents at the end of the day. And it seems like they have a good relation as you haven't mentioned anything other than them being a bit stricter with him comparatively.

After this talk he can adjust his expectations accordingly. Or he might actually be able to see their view which would help him deal with it.

But some questions are better asked early before they fester.

When fil was alive he always said house would be left to 2 sons equally. It would not surprise me if his Mum has changed will so his brother gets house and all contents and DH just gets a bit of money. I know he will be upset/devistated if that were to happen.

Even if it is left equally to them both, that would still be far from fair, considering how much bigger a share of their/her money and resources he has already had.

If he goes out to work, it doesn't sound like he would have been incapable of independent living - just prefers to be a leach all of his life. It's not necessarily an unusual/unreasonable scenario where a 50yo bachelor might live with his widowed mum, but you would fully expect it to be reversed: him to run the house, pay the bills, do the housework and cooking and maybe (grudgingly) accept a very small weekly financial contribution from his elderly mother and the odd cup of tea, i.e. she is the one being looked after, not the other way around.

Unfortunately, even if the will does say that both sons inherit the house equally (or even if it said that your DP gets it all, as his brother has already had his share over the past few decades), actually getting his share would be an entirely different matter.

The brother isn't going to be wanting to move out, and he will see it as 'his home'/'mum and dad's house', so he'll likely expect that the derisory contribution (full service charge) he made before will no longer be due/his DB won't need it or be living in to act as his servant - and would probably even consider your DP the CF to ask for it!!

I suppose he could potentially buy him out with all of that money he's earned and not had to spend over the decades, but even if he would have accepted that as more than fair, I'd guess that he hasn't saved much of it - rather spent the lot on regular treats, the same as any teenager would do if they had started earning but didn't (yet) have their own bills to pay.

Sad to say, I think the best you can hope for is that your children will eventually inherit the house - but even then, he might want to leave his legal half to some random charity or to the young pretty barmaid who always winks at him at the pub.

I wouldn't raise it with his parents after putting up with their .favouritism. If your DP tackles them about the driving lessons, he'll only come across as childish and demanding. And likely the parents will say that how they spend their money is their own business.Where does that get you?
Either in the middle of a huge row or your DP left feeling pretty and worse than before.
If you:re hoping for the parents to be brought to seeing how awful they have been, you're on a hiding to nothing. Their self justification will be so deeply
entrenched that it cannot be penetrated.
I think you should help your husband to accept then forget it. Don't let a grievance sour him. Cut contact with his parents to a minimum as seeing them and his brother will only stir up old resentments.

Yeah, it's really unfair.
Your DP's bro sounds exactly how I.used to be and I have ADHD.