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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is unfair to DP?

80 replies

CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 10:48

DP & I were having this discussion last night, looking for some wider views. Apologies if this is long:

I'll start off by saying DP's parents were always quite strict with him growing up, he had a lot of chores/work he had to do, rules to follow as they believed in hard work but they were never quite as strict with his brother.

My DP and I bought our house and moved in together a couple of years ago. When DP was staying at home, he paid £400 dig money per month. His parents didn't need the money as they were financially comfortable but I can understand they wanted to teach DP financial responsibilities etc. DP's parents were very much "do it on your own" people so we got no help from them towards deposit or furnishings when buying our house (my mum is worse off financially so would not have been able to help) but this was fine as we had saved ourselves and were proud of getting our house off the back of our own hard work (I took on an additional part-time job around my main full-time job and DP signed up for all the overtime he could get).

However this is where DP's brother comes in. He is 25 yrs old, a few years younger than DP, but very much a free spirit. I've known him since he was 16 and to be honest he hasn't grown up or changed at all since then. He acts like a child, swings back on his seat in restaurants, plays a lot of silly pranks like you would expect from a teenager and does a lot of stupid dares (I think his friends are of a similar mindset).

Anyway DP's brother never did very well at school, failed most of his exams, he didn't like classroom learning, never did homework/studying and he was always the class clown. Since leaving school he has bounced about various jobs as he wouldn't stick them out i.e. working somewhere for 3 weeks then quitting because he didn't like it. He also did a 5 month stint in the Army but didn't like it either. For the last couple of years he's worked part-time in retail and hasn't paid dig money. All the while DP's parents haven't been as strict with him as they would with DP if he had a similar experience.

After DP moved out his brother decided he wanted his own place. So DP's parents helped the brother look for a flat to rent, helped with deposit and first months rent, furnishing the flat etc. Keep in mind DP was told he couldn't move out until he had worked hard and saved enough of his own money.

Now DP doesn't drive and wants to learn, he mentioned this to his parents a few weeks ago how it would be quite expensive for lessons etc with now paying a mortgage, bills and they said well if you can't afford it you'll just need to stick to the bus. Fast forward to last weekend and we found out DP's parents are paying for the brother to get driving lessons.

DP & I feel like this is unfair. DP spent years paying £400 per month dig money and also saving most of the rest of his wages for a mortgage so couldn't really afford driving lessons and now DP's parents are paying for the brother's driving lessons? Bearing in mind the brother never paid digs and they also substitute his living by paying for his weekly shop etc

Are me and my DP being unreasonable to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
daphnedoo12 · 29/03/2022 11:33

This happened with me and my siblings. They still live at home at 26 and 22, rent/keep free. I paid more living there than what I pay now with a mortgage and on my weekly food shop for a family of 4.

My mother totally took the p*ss out of me.

It didn't prepare me for independent living, it actually made things really difficult for me emotionally and financially.

However, my sisters have no financial understanding and no desire to move out or home so..:

Aprilx · 29/03/2022 11:33

I also find it weird and grabby that you are sticking your beak in. I would not dream of commenting on how my FIL treats my husband versus his two brothers, I wouldn’t even investigate.

whynotwhy · 29/03/2022 11:33

There are few worse as a parent than seeing a child really struggling. Of course many parents will try and help.

I am one of four. 3 of us are doing fine. The fourth struggles. She has never earned enough to buy a home. Recently my parents bought her a very modest flat. They couldn't have done that if they had had to buy a flat for all of us. I think they did the right thing.

DasAlteLeid · 29/03/2022 11:34

DP’s parents are oblivious at best and malicious at worst. I think it’s disgraceful they charged him rent knowing you two were scrimping and saving for a flat while they were comfortably off.

Speak to them by all means but you may find they are aware on some level that they favour the wastrel brother and nothing will change. I see this dynamic of golden child and black sheep play out often and it is so damaging to both children, but so painful to be the neglected one (speaking from minor experience!).

gamerchick · 29/03/2022 11:35

Tbh to me they don't really expect much of the brother and knew the eldest was more capable in life. That is their burden and it's not enviable. They'll be stuck with him for the rest of their life. When they're financing his car as well a lightbulb might go on but I doubt it.

Brefugee · 29/03/2022 11:35

I'd get your DP to ask his parents why: why he paid digs and brother doesn't, why they're paying for brother's driving lessons.

and then depending on their answer just keep them at arm's length. And never ever do anything for them, just pass them on to brother every time.

Original poster
CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 11:37

@Aprilx

I also find it weird and grabby that you are sticking your beak in. I would not dream of commenting on how my FIL treats my husband versus his two brothers, I wouldn’t even investigate.
@Aprilx not really sticking my beak in, partner was looking for some wider views and opinions before he speaks to his parents and he helped me write this post. I know there will be a wide range of different opinions which we will respect however I thought that is what mumsnet was for? To get other perspectives on problems or advice on how to proceed in a situation etc
OP posts:
Original poster
CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 11:39

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

It sounds like they see your dp as a capable adult, and his brother as a child, they are probably trying to help him get independence and a reliable job (which a driving license would help with) so they don't have to look after him anymore.

Yes, I agree with this. People who get on with things and make their own way, however much a struggle, are viewed as being much more capable and even 'privileged' - and 'encouraged' with 'tough love' to persevere, whereas those who simply can't be bothered to even try are seen as helpless victims who will never achieve much.

It will be very interesting to see which son the parents expect to be there to help them when they get elderly and need somebody capable and responsible to advocate for them and help organise their lives.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll very interesting indeed Grin
OP posts:
maddy68 · 29/03/2022 11:39

I would let it go. Parents change over time. Priorities change. Maybe they were not as well off as you think maybe they had a massive mortgage or debts you know nothing about

How they treat their other son has nothing to do with you. Perhaps he also has issues you know nothing about

TheNameOfTheRoses · 29/03/2022 11:40

@Aprilx

I also find it weird and grabby that you are sticking your beak in. I would not dream of commenting on how my FIL treats my husband versus his two brothers, I wouldn’t even investigate.
Really? You wouldnt comment in something that clearly is upsetting for your DP? That's strange
StanleyGreen · 29/03/2022 11:43

@Aprilx

I also find it weird and grabby that you are sticking your beak in. I would not dream of commenting on how my FIL treats my husband versus his two brothers, I wouldn’t even investigate.
Well, good for you. Hmm
Original poster
CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 11:45

@JennySpanner

They're clearly treating them differently and it's not fair. However you can't tell your in laws how to parent their adult children, there's no point looking at what your brother in law gets and keeping tabs hoping you/ your DH will get the same. It not yours or your DHs - it's your in laws to do with as they see fit.

Your only power in this situation is to react to their decisions as you see fit. Your DH can choose to be angry with them for this, etc but you can't demand financial help you are all adults. The consequences of their actions for them could be that it damages their relationship with you and your DH for example.

Don't covet other people's money. Your DH needs to save up for the driving lessons if he wants them. He's done everything on his own so far why stop now.

@JennySpanner yep the plan was always to save and pay the driving lessons ourselves. DP just happened to mention the expense when speaking to his parents before but wasn't asking/expecting help. I think he was just upset when he later found out his brother was getting driving lessons paid for him and his parents hadn't offered him the same
OP posts:
TheNameOfTheRoses · 29/03/2022 11:46

I would let it go too but not because things change etc... as @maddy68 said.
They clearly havent - the expectations for your DP and his dbro are extremely different just right now (eg for the driving lessons) for whatever reason.

However, if your DP doesn't distance himself and accept that his parents will not treat him the same than his dbro, he will get hurt again and again. I personally think it's a shit attitude to have towards your children (adult or not). But it seems that many parents think they shoud be there to support to one who doesn't do well (even though it's out lazyness/can't be bothered etc...) whilst expecting a lot from the ones who is the hardworking sibling.
I'd expect that behaviour to continue so your DP will have to decide where his boundaries are and what he is or isn't happy to accept for the sake of family 'harmony' (and not making waves)

Original poster
CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 11:48

@TheNameOfTheRoses

I would let it go too but not because things change etc... as *@maddy68* said. They clearly havent - the expectations for your DP and his dbro are extremely different just right now (eg for the driving lessons) for whatever reason.

However, if your DP doesn't distance himself and accept that his parents will not treat him the same than his dbro, he will get hurt again and again. I personally think it's a shit attitude to have towards your children (adult or not). But it seems that many parents think they shoud be there to support to one who doesn't do well (even though it's out lazyness/can't be bothered etc...) whilst expecting a lot from the ones who is the hardworking sibling.
I'd expect that behaviour to continue so your DP will have to decide where his boundaries are and what he is or isn't happy to accept for the sake of family 'harmony' (and not making waves)

@TheNameOfTheRoses I guess this is true, thank-you Smile
OP posts:
whenwilliwillibefamous · 29/03/2022 11:49

OP the phrase, "talk me through why..." may be useful if your DH does decide to talk to his parents. He could say, "one day I'll be raising my own kids, so it's good to understand things like these".
As PPs have said it's their money and their choice so there's absolutely no point in him complaining to them, but, that said... once he's heard their side of the story, it's his choice as to how he behaves to them from then on!

If he approaches it thinking there might be a side to it he doesn't appreciate, a positive outcome (or at least not having a huge row) is more likely. Ofc he should then be free to rant and vent to you - I get the people saying it's his business not yours, but to an extent he must be glad you have his back.

user1488622199 · 29/03/2022 11:49

@lonelydad2022

Yes, you are. He is a grown-up with his own family and expects his parents to pay for driving lessons.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be treated fairly in comparison to your siblings.

OP I would be annoyed too and would ask why they were like this. I hope they have no expectations of you both as they get older and need more support, they’ll have golden child for that.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 29/03/2022 11:51

@JennySpanner, it's not an issue about coveting other people's money. (interesting in itself that you assume this was what the OP is after even though she is clear that it was NOT).

And I think that the attitude of saying 'don't look at what the dbro gets. It's the parents money to do what they want with' is right either.
Because with that money they are sending a clear message to the dbro and the DP. That the parents are happy to not treat them the same. That they doesn't see them the same.

And that's an important information to have about someone, the fact they are happy to be unfair and treat their own dcs unfairly.

What the DP decides to do with it is another matter. He coud get angry. He could decide to go NC. He could decide to brush it under the carpet. Ignoring it altogether won't be possible because it will pop up again and again.

Original poster
CornflakesWithSugar · 29/03/2022 11:52

@whenwilliwillibefamous

OP the phrase, "talk me through why..." may be useful if your DH does decide to talk to his parents. He could say, "one day I'll be raising my own kids, so it's good to understand things like these". As PPs have said it's their money and their choice so there's absolutely no point in him complaining to them, but, that said... once he's heard their side of the story, it's his choice as to how he behaves to them from then on!

If he approaches it thinking there might be a side to it he doesn't appreciate, a positive outcome (or at least not having a huge row) is more likely. Ofc he should then be free to rant and vent to you - I get the people saying it's his business not yours, but to an extent he must be glad you have his back.

@whenwilliwillibefamous exactly, we are a partnership and we talk things through together, I know he would be happy to support me if anything came up from my family etc Smile
OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 29/03/2022 11:52

Bring it up with them

LittleOwl153 · 29/03/2022 11:57

Sadly I think your husband will always be the golden child to his scapegoat brother. They are not going to change the way they are.

Personally in his shoes I'd withdraw from them. Sort yourselves out as you always have. Don't be beholden to them - but also don't given them the insta photos either. This favouritism will sadly probably continue with whatever kids you might have between you. Either there will be a favourite of yours or when DB has kids his will take priority. Noone needs to be involved in that crap.

Also if you withdraw you are less likely to get dragged into the elder care. Let DB shoulder that as he has had all the benefits so far.

autienotnaughty · 29/03/2022 12:01

It is unfair my dh has a similar situation with his parents. Dh has always had to fund himself whereas sil has been helped along the way. It's got worse not better as they have got older. Sil has them running round after her, babysitting , shopping, gardening etc but when we ask for an odd night babysitting it's like we are putting them out.

user1488622199 · 29/03/2022 12:07

@whenwilliwillibefamous

OP the phrase, "talk me through why..." may be useful if your DH does decide to talk to his parents. He could say, "one day I'll be raising my own kids, so it's good to understand things like these". As PPs have said it's their money and their choice so there's absolutely no point in him complaining to them, but, that said... once he's heard their side of the story, it's his choice as to how he behaves to them from then on!

If he approaches it thinking there might be a side to it he doesn't appreciate, a positive outcome (or at least not having a huge row) is more likely. Ofc he should then be free to rant and vent to you - I get the people saying it's his business not yours, but to an extent he must be glad you have his back.

This is great advice
Gimlisaxe · 29/03/2022 12:09

I would have the conversation with them, but keep in mind the fallout of it all,

Like PP have said, this might filter down if you all decide to have children, so if that is in your life plan at all, I would decide how much you want to keep your distance, especially if you are the first, with a friend I saw them have a much wanted baby (and grandbaby) spoilt till 4/5 years later golden child has one and now they dont see their eldest at all. Child suddenly lost their grandparents overnight.

MichelleScarn · 29/03/2022 12:17

I would be swithering as to whether to bring it up. They don't sound like they'd suddenly see the disparity and say 'yes, yes we are treating you differently, apologies'
You'd either have them blow up and the how dare you shouting, or as my friends mum did when similar was happening, broke into huge sobbing tears about how awful the friend was so it became all about comforting the mum, telling her how amazing she was as a parent, and the actual thing for discussion was never allowed to be raised again.

Bethany7 · 29/03/2022 12:18

It's totally unfair O.P
I feel for your husband, he must feel very hurt.

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