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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Story from school residential - do I need to tell anyone this?

54 replies

DrelasSkills · 28/03/2022 21:04

Not really an AIBU although maybe you may say I am?

My DS just came back from a Y4 residential trip.

Told me that one of the boys (who was in a different bedroom) told him that in the middle of the night he woke up the other boys in his room and they had a 'penis party' and looked at each other's penises.

I was driving at the time, but said I doubted it was true as they were all very tired and hoped it wasn't as you shouldn't show your private parts to other people or ask to see other people's unless it's a parent/doctor. Kept it light and then the subject changed but just wanted to reply in a way to make sure my DC knew that their parts aren't for others to ask to see.

What I'm wondering though - do I need to say any of this to the school? Parent of the child?

I can't decide if it's just kids stuff or if I should be mentioning it (how?) to someone?

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 28/03/2022 21:07

I would share something like this with DS
www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

I would maybe ask another parent at the school if their child has said the same and then approach school. They can then reiterate the safeguarding message.

Parslwink · 28/03/2022 21:07

Please tell school. I’d ask for an appointment with the head, safeguarding lead or teacher, whoever you’re most comfortable speaking to.

Hiddenvoice · 28/03/2022 21:07

I’d mention it to the school. The child who told your ds might be making it up or exaggerating what happened but I’d pass it on the school that your child believes this happened.
I wouldn’t contact the parent of the child

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 28/03/2022 21:08

Don't mention it to the parent, email the school exactly what your son said FAO the Designated Safeguarding Lead. It's not for us/ you to determine if it's important or not, it may have been an innocent "ill show you mine and you show me yours" or it could add to a greater picture of age inappropriate sexual behaviour and other inappropriate behaviour that the school are recording.

Msgiggles30 · 28/03/2022 21:08

I'm a teacher. I would mention in to the class teacher. Maybe phone the school so you dont have to do it on the door. Children are curious and can do things like this but the school need to address it and discuss the pants rule I would think.

OutIsay · 28/03/2022 21:10

Just mention it to the school.

Meatshake · 28/03/2022 21:12

I would share it with the school because this sort of behaviour can be innocent and basic curiousity but it can also sometimes stem from abuse.

monkeysox · 28/03/2022 22:10

Report to the school

Toomanypeople · 28/03/2022 22:13

Report to school safeguarding they can investigate to see if anything needs to be done

00100001 · 28/03/2022 22:15

Do not say anything to the parents.

Report it to the school's safeguarding lead.

Kego · 28/03/2022 22:16

Only speak to the school. They can carry out their own investigation

ClaudiusTheGod · 28/03/2022 22:26

@Msgiggles30 you are a teacher? Then you should know that this parent should take it straight to the DSL. This is one of those possible warming signs that are taught about in safeguarding training. It’s not good enough to simply mention it to the teacher who could easily decide not to take it further.

ClaudiusTheGod · 28/03/2022 22:27

*warning, not warming obviously

CorvusPurpureus · 28/03/2022 22:27

Straight to the school's designated safety lead. It's their job.

Could just be silliness, could be concerning; they may have other info on worries about at least one of the other kids.

Report it, factually, to the DSL: 'My ds informed me that X said.... The other children present, according to X, were A, B & C'.

It's really important that you report this. One or more of these boys - not necessarily X - could well be acting out based on abuse at home or elsewhere.

That information could be part of an important jigsaw to keep all the dc safe. So report it.

00100001 · 28/03/2022 22:29

@Msgiggles30

I'm a teacher. I would mention in to the class teacher. Maybe phone the school so you dont have to do it on the door. Children are curious and can do things like this but the school need to address it and discuss the pants rule I would think.
No, she should report it to the DSL...

As a teacher you should be advising that

Hercisback · 28/03/2022 22:31

Teachers can pass stuff on to the DSL. It's usually easier to speak to the class teacher than get hold of the DSL. The DSL can then phone the parent direct. It's not like this is an emergency situation that's hugely time pressured either.

Original poster
DrelasSkills · 28/03/2022 22:31

OK thanks everyone.

Wasn't expecting such a firm response - thought maybe my DH and I were being too dramatic thinking we should say to school.

Honestly him waking them up seems to me like a totally made up story so I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill.

But it's more the notion of a child having that idea and using that wording that's troubled me a little. 8 seems young to both instigate or imagine the scenario he told my DC - perhaps something from TV/book or older sibling?

Telling the mum of the child wasn't something I wanted to do and I certainly don't want to go asking parents of other children as could then make it seem like unkind gossip. Will maybe see if I can chat on the phone to the teacher as emails have to go through the office which I don't like - much prefer a direct contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrelasSkills · 28/03/2022 22:33

Ah just read further replies. Will find out who the DSL is.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 28/03/2022 22:40

100 percent inform the school. This could be nothing or this could be an indication one of the boys in that other room is either being groomed or sexually abused. School will involve social services. They will investigate by speaking to all the kids involved. Whilst it is not a nice process( my son with ASD poked a boy in the bottom aged 5 with his finger so I talk from experience) any parent with nothing to hide will know it was done to ensure the safety of their child. Do not talk to the parents as let's be honest in this day and age you often would not dream that abuse is going on behind closed doors. Far better to say something and be wrong then do nothing and find out years down yhe line when a child self harms or worse due to the trauma. A friend recently took their own life due to child hood abuse. Had someone spoke out for him he may still be here.

OldChinaJug · 28/03/2022 22:42

I'm a teacher.

Yes, tell the school DSL.

Not an over reaction.

Notwithittoday · 28/03/2022 22:46

Safeguarding lead definitely. I wouldn’t rule out that your ds may have been involved in this or the boy asked him though. There may be more to it and ds is just sounding you out because he’s worried about it in some way. I think you need to have a bit more of a chat with him and let him know that he can tell you things and you won’t be shocked ( even if you are). It’s really important that children know they can talk to you

Foolsrule · 28/03/2022 22:48

The DSL is usually the head.

NotNotNotMyName · 28/03/2022 22:50

Definitely don’t tell parents
Speak to class teacher and safeguarding lead. It could just be boys messing around and taking it too far. If this is the case then the school have a lot of work to do re pants rule etc. Equally the instigator could be a victim of sexual abuse. What strikes me is that he woke the others up in the middle of the night.

Inertia · 28/03/2022 22:54

Agree with previous comments, it does need to be brought to the attention of the safeguarding lead. It may be an exaggerated tale, but OTOH it may be part of a bigger picture in terms of child protection.

I would call the office and ask for the safeguarding lead to arrange a phone call with you, but don’t go into detail with office staff.

Notwithittoday · 28/03/2022 23:00

Btw I’ve known primary schools sweep significant issues under the carpet regarding sexualised behaviour in children. If you’re not satisfied with the outcome, you can contact the local authority.