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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Story from school residential - do I need to tell anyone this?

54 replies

DrelasSkills · 28/03/2022 21:04

Not really an AIBU although maybe you may say I am?

My DS just came back from a Y4 residential trip.

Told me that one of the boys (who was in a different bedroom) told him that in the middle of the night he woke up the other boys in his room and they had a 'penis party' and looked at each other's penises.

I was driving at the time, but said I doubted it was true as they were all very tired and hoped it wasn't as you shouldn't show your private parts to other people or ask to see other people's unless it's a parent/doctor. Kept it light and then the subject changed but just wanted to reply in a way to make sure my DC knew that their parts aren't for others to ask to see.

What I'm wondering though - do I need to say any of this to the school? Parent of the child?

I can't decide if it's just kids stuff or if I should be mentioning it (how?) to someone?

OP posts:
worriedaboutmoney2022 · 28/03/2022 23:02

As a side note I think year4 is far too young fir a residential!!!

Mischance · 28/03/2022 23:05

It was a school trip so the school do need to know. If nothing else, they should be discussing safeguarding and supervision on future trips.

declutteringmymind · 28/03/2022 23:07

It could be something made up , it could be something more. It's up to school to investigate.

I'd put it all in an email to the safe guarding lead. Let school investigate and decide the appropriate actions.

It could be a one off or among other incidents you are not aware of. Always report. It doesn't matter if your son got the story wrong.

carefullycourageous · 28/03/2022 23:13

Yes tell the school.

And this is one example of why some parents are not keen on residentials at a young age, you never know what unexpected things other kids might do.

CoastalWave · 28/03/2022 23:28

@worriedaboutmoney2022

As a side note I think year4 is far too young fir a residential!!!
I don't disagree. My son is due to go and I"m not feeling happy about it! Year 6 is young enough!

But on a side note, they go away in Year 2 for one night as well! (just DS missed that due to Covid)

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 28/03/2022 23:33

Ex teacher, definitely contact your school DSL. It may (probably) be simple curiosity, but overt sexualised or showing genitals can be a signifier of sexual abuse or grooming.

Even if the incident was purely boys doing something stupid, it’ll give the team an opportunity to work on the NSPCC Pants work.

Boys do some ridiculous things (utterly unsurprised that there was some kind of willy waving on a residential) and unfortunately, these bouts of bravado can be mirrored from some Dads (you only have to look at the lovely pics on the Red Top front pages during the World Cup with men with flares sticking out of their arseholes to see where some boys may get their behaviours from) but inappropriate showing of genitals or sexualised behaviour, no matter whether in jest or not, does need the involvement of the DSL, and from there other agencies if necessary.

Original poster
DrelasSkills · 28/03/2022 23:38

Thanks again everyone.

DSL is the head so will feel like a big deal me emailing them but don't want to think I've not done the right thing.

Anything like this will be confidential right?

OP posts:
Original poster
DrelasSkills · 28/03/2022 23:40

I don't really want to bring it up with DS again and make it an issue. But feel I'd like to get the story straight and check he wasn't asked to show his and check he isn't upset.

Will maybe have a chat in the morning if we have time.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 28/03/2022 23:44

Email and say I understand that as DSL it is you I should contact in this regard. This shows you realise it is that role that need s telling rather than the Head per se.

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/03/2022 23:46

@worriedaboutmoney2022 As a side note I think year4 is far too young fir a residential!!! kids old school is year 2 year four is 8/9.

HallucinatingHilda · 29/03/2022 00:25

Honestly, if donor went to the effort of waking up others at 4am, and called it a penis party, I'd be worrying about that alone.

There's quite a gap between the subject coming up and everyone agreeing I'll show you mine, and a single child arranging it. If I've understood properly.

HallucinatingHilda · 29/03/2022 00:26

"Donor" is child!

Fairyarmpits · 29/03/2022 00:26

@DrelasSkills

Not really an AIBU although maybe you may say I am?

My DS just came back from a Y4 residential trip.

Told me that one of the boys (who was in a different bedroom) told him that in the middle of the night he woke up the other boys in his room and they had a 'penis party' and looked at each other's penises.

I was driving at the time, but said I doubted it was true as they were all very tired and hoped it wasn't as you shouldn't show your private parts to other people or ask to see other people's unless it's a parent/doctor. Kept it light and then the subject changed but just wanted to reply in a way to make sure my DC knew that their parts aren't for others to ask to see.

What I'm wondering though - do I need to say any of this to the school? Parent of the child?

I can't decide if it's just kids stuff or if I should be mentioning it (how?) to someone?

It's very odd but I had a conversation with a friend recently (gay bloke late 30s) and he said that it was really common for boys to do this when when they are teenagers.

Said that it wasn't anything to do with being gay. He knew lots of straight kids do this.

I'm not condoning this. Just wanted to say that it potentially might be more common than you would realise if one of the children had older brothers.

DalarnaHorses · 29/03/2022 00:46

Kind of suprised at the unanimous replies. I admit I'd have been unsure about reporting this and would probably have put it down to boys being silly and a bit of exaggeration.

alexdgr8 · 29/03/2022 00:54

better to be safe than sorry.

OverTheRubicon · 29/03/2022 00:54

One of my friends used to want to instigate these types of games a lot at this age - it turned out later she was being sexually abused by a family friend. We never talked to our parents or teachers about this or other slightly odd things she did, and wish hindsight wish we had.

Maybe what you're describing didn't happen, and even if it did, it could well be within the range of normal curiousity. But a child who makes up that type of story, or who kicks off that type of game, has more likely (though of course not necessarily) been exposed to something inappropriate, whether it's a tv show or something much worse - and the school might be able to help.

OverTheRubicon · 29/03/2022 00:56

@Fairyarmpits but year 4 is age 8-9, so nowhere near teenagers. And if an 8 year old is being told by a teenage sibling about parties where they all compare penises, that in itself is very inappropriate.

GoofyIsACow · 29/03/2022 01:28

@Inertia

Agree with previous comments, it does need to be brought to the attention of the safeguarding lead. It may be an exaggerated tale, but OTOH it may be part of a bigger picture in terms of child protection.

I would call the office and ask for the safeguarding lead to arrange a phone call with you, but don’t go into detail with office staff.

The deputy DSL in our school is the office staff! How offensive, they aren’t doctors receptionists !
GoofyIsACow · 29/03/2022 01:29

I agree, speak to DSL or deputy, it could be part of a bigger picture

Fairyarmpits · 29/03/2022 01:30

@OverTheRubicon

Yes, I realise that. I'm not saying that I condone it. I'm just saying that I was told by a friend that it is more common than people realise between boys.

My friend said it is odd but his experience wasn't sinister. It didn't feel dodgy but there was a lot of comparing probably to satisfy a morbid curiosity. It was a fairly normal occurrence in the same way that boys are obsessed with farting and worms. He said it happened while at friends' houses. Nobody talked about it. He said he was sure his Mum would be horrified if she knew.

The more I find out about blokes the weirder it gets.

drspouse · 29/03/2022 02:20

@worriedaboutmoney2022

As a side note I think year4 is far too young fir a residential!!!
My friends (I have several with DCs at this school) have a Y1 residential!
raspberryjamchicken · 29/03/2022 02:24

I'm a DSL at my school. I agree with telling the class teacher - as a parent that is your primary point of contact. All teachers are trained to pass any potential safeguarding information to the DSL.

raspberryjamchicken · 29/03/2022 02:26

@DalarnaHorses

Kind of suprised at the unanimous replies. I admit I'd have been unsure about reporting this and would probably have put it down to boys being silly and a bit of exaggeration.
Quite likely is but the school may have other information. Over-interest in genitalia or sharing genitalia publicly are signs we are taught to look out for in children who are sexually abused.
Mischance · 29/03/2022 09:00

I think that it could be nothing to be concerned about - boys do this - there is a fascination with anything secret and hidden.

But the school should be told - in a low key way - just the facts with no shock horror overlay. They will need to think about how they deal with residentials in the future - and it may be that they already have a concern about one child and your information is another piece in the jigsaw puzzle for them.

zingally · 29/03/2022 13:43

I'd mention it to the school in a "this is what DS said, make of it what you will" tone, but I wouldn't be too bothered by it tbh.