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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My son is treated badly by mother in law

59 replies

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 20:00

My son turned one last week and my mother in law did not come to see him and has not bought him a gift. It’s not the cost or quality of a gift that is upsetting, it’s just the lack of care she’s given. She didn’t buy him anything for his first Xmas either. Yet she buys for my four year old daughter. I just feel so bad for him. I don’t understand why she would be so mean! Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:

WashableVelvet · 28/03/2022 20:02

Overreacting, given he’s oblivious at this age!

CarrieAnnQ · 28/03/2022 20:03

Absolutely not overreacting, what’s her reasoning?

HeddaGarbled · 28/03/2022 20:08

Did she buy for your daughter at the same age? Did you invite her over for his birthday? Did she remember it was his birthday? Is there something else going on in her life right now?

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 20:08

YANBU at all. It's one to nip in the bud for sure. No favouritism.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 20:13

We had this from mil. She had 5 holidays within a few weeks of ds's birth. Managed to get my dc (not her dgc) gifts but not ds. She continued to actually snub him until we went nc when nothing changed.
Been 7 years now.

Original poster

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 20:20

No reason. Just hasn’t been to see him and hasn’t acknowledged his first Xmas or bday!

OP posts:

Original poster

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 20:21

This is why I’m so upset. Because she’s treating him like he doesn’t exist. She bought for my daughter for her 1st bday and has done ever since.

OP posts:

Original poster

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 20:23

I have spoken to my husband and he just doesn’t care. He said our son is loved enough and doesn’t need her gifts. Not sure how to move forward

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 20:26

She is making a divide between your dc that your dd will cotton on to.
Being the one up there is as unhealthy as being the one left out. My dm did similar until I pulled her up on it. Mil was a lost cause.

TracyMosby · 28/03/2022 20:27

Id move forward by sending back the gifts to her daughter and saying creating a favoured child and a scapegoat is incredibly damaging, and you will no part of it.

TracyMosby · 28/03/2022 20:27

*your daughter.

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2022 20:28

I would give her 1 more chance - next event if he is left out then she doesn't get to see either of them again. Whether your husband chooses to tell her this in advance is up to him but thebend result would be non negotiable to me. No way would I let MIL show favouritism between 2 kids - and by 2yrs old he will know and your daughter will have worked it out too. Absolutely not on.

foreverroaming · 28/03/2022 20:31

Can you ask her why she is ignoring him?

I wouldn't accept any further gifts for your other child and would make it clear that she was to treat my children equally or not see either of them.

Original poster

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 20:31

I would stop them seeing her now but my husband won’t have it. I honestly don’t even think she would care if she didn’t see my son again. That’s how it feels anyway!

OP posts:

Beachbreak2411 · 28/03/2022 20:34

My mum has serious issues with favouritism between my dd and my bros kids. It upsets me so much and even my dd has noticed it and has some little comments she drops in when she’s telling me about her time with her grandma and her cousins.. but she is so matter of fact about it; not complaining just knows it is how it is. Breaks my heart 😭 mum treats me like shit too though and my bro & wife are idolised .. mum literally copies everything they do / buy / suggest and is constantly helping them in huge ways (they are very wealthy but somehow my mum ends up doing their weekly shops or marks and spencer visits for “things to treat them” .. right now I’m counting out 5ps so I can get the train to school with my dd tomorrow)

Thebig3 · 28/03/2022 20:34

I have this with my MIL she activitly ignores my 3rd child...no idea why. She offers to babysit but only for our first 2 not our 3rd. Drives me crazy! So YANBU

Original poster

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 20:47

Thank you! It really isn’t fair and I think my husband needs to let her know that. He is unfortunately too scared to say anything

OP posts:

Tomeeornottomee · 28/03/2022 20:49

My MIL was told in no uncertain terms either buy for both or buy for neither. She went buying for both but the Poundland tat she bought made me wish she had chosen the other option.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 20:54

Well if he's too scared then you do it. If anyone treated my children that the one to be scared of would be me.

mummabubs · 28/03/2022 20:56

Just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know how painful this is. My MiL idolises my SiLs two children, buys them gifts all the time and is forever posting about how incredible they are on social media. My son's 4th birthday last year... Heard nothing from them on the day whatsoever and then when we saw them 2 weeks later she gave him something she'd openly told me she bought second hand on ebay and she hadn't even been bothered to wrap it up. I swear if she treated my nieces like this it wouldn't have bothered me but the difference is striking the older be gets and it's really painful for me as a mum. Your son will know he's loved and frankly if your MiL doesn't put in the same effort it'll be her that misses out on a close relationship with him long term.

nokidshere · 28/03/2022 21:00

My mum has form for this sort of behaviour. There are 6 of us but as far as she is concerned she might be a parent of an only child.

I made it totally clear from day one that she was not to buy anything for my children unless she was buying for both and she knows that, even now they are in their 20s, gifts will be returned if they aren't for both.

Original poster

shellhughes · 28/03/2022 21:05

If it was my mum then she would be told straight! But as it’s not, I’m not allowed to say anything as my husband does not want a family fall out. I’m just trying to stick up for my son but instead I just have to let this happen and feel sad about it- but it’s REALLY bothering me.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 21:12

You really don't have to let this happen no matter what your husband says. His mother but you are your son's mother and your job is to protect him and your daughter too.

mummabubs · 28/03/2022 21:14

@shellhughes

So in addition to my last post I'm also in exactly this situation and it drives me nuts. DH very much wants to keep the peace and doesn't want a fall out between me and his mum (I'm happy to discuss it calmly and like a grown up but she has form for just cutting contact with family members that upset her). It all came to a head for me recently so my way of coping is a) reduce contact in general with them, so I no longer send them photos of the kids any more (which used to go ignored anyway), b) I don't buy his family any cards of gifts anymore, I leave it all to DH and c) just keep telling myself that MiL is going to be missing out as our DS is a gorgeous character and will not want for love from other people.

I know it's a bit different in your position as it's between your children and not cousins, but maybe stepping back from his family for your own wellbeing (and your children's?) is the way to go right now if you aren't 'allowed' to raise it with them?

FinallyHere · 28/03/2022 21:17

son turned one last week

This made me laugh out loud. Your son cannot possibly know that he is being 'treated badly'. By all means express your sorrow at your MiL 's actions but why try and make it something it is not.

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