Page 2 | My son is treated badly by mother in law

shellhughes · 2022-03-28T19:00:43+00:00

My son turned one last week and my mother in law did not come to see him and has not bought him a gift. It’s not the cost or quality of a gift that is upsetting, it’s just the lack of care she’s given. She didn’t buy him anything for his first Xmas either. Yet she buys for my four year old daughter. I just feel so bad for him. I don’t understand why she would be so mean! Or am I overreacting?

Everydayimhuffling · 28/03/2022 21:31

Your DH doesn't get to unilaterally decide that your children and their relationship with each other are collateral in his relationship with his mother. If he won't say anything then you must, and you should be protecting your children. Favouritism is really damaging

Sittingonabench · 28/03/2022 21:32

I think you may be over reacting a bit. I understand it’s disappointing but i don’t think it is being badly treated. Any gifts or association with a special occasion when a baby is so young is really for the parents as the baby is too young. Did she get your daughter a Christmas present and not your son? As that would seem very odd - in that case I would be considering if there were other reasons for forgetfulness. But I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she doesn’t care about your son.

BrightonBunny · 28/03/2022 21:36

Does your DH generally think he is the boss of you?

He doesn't get to dictate how you voice your feelings. If you want to tell her she's out of order you go ahead. I wouldn't see the bitch and see how he gets on taking the DC to see her on his own...

Riseholme · 28/03/2022 21:40

@shellhughes no you don’t have to let it happen.
You grow a backbone and advocate for your dc.
My dh’s granny pulled this stunt leaving dh’s little brother out.
My fil went round, it was his dm, gave dh’s gift back and said you treat the dc the same or not at all.

Next Christmas or Easter if dd gets a gift and ds not then you return dd’s gift.
Yes dd may not like it but it’s the fair thing to do.

Ottersmith · 28/03/2022 21:42

Well, babies don't need presents. I suppose if she carries it on when he's older then that would be a problem.

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2022 21:47

@shellhughes

If it was my mum then she would be told straight! But as it’s not, I’m not allowed to say anything as my husband does not want a family fall out. I’m just trying to stick up for my son but instead I just have to let this happen and feel sad about it- but it’s REALLY bothering me.

Not allowed?

He either sticks up for his family (you and his children) or he can go back to his old one.

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2022 21:48

@FinallyHere

son turned one last week

This made me laugh out loud. Your son cannot possibly know that he is being 'treated badly'. By all means express your sorrow at your MiL 's actions but why try and make it something it is not.

So he isn't acknowledged by his grandmother but the OP 'doesn't know'?

Of course she does!

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2022 21:50

@mummabubs

Just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know how painful this is. My MiL idolises my SiLs two children, buys them gifts all the time and is forever posting about how incredible they are on social media. My son's 4th birthday last year... Heard nothing from them on the day whatsoever and then when we saw them 2 weeks later she gave him something she'd openly told me she bought second hand on ebay and she hadn't even been bothered to wrap it up. I swear if she treated my nieces like this it wouldn't have bothered me but the difference is striking the older be gets and it's really painful for me as a mum. Your son will know he's loved and frankly if your MiL doesn't put in the same effort it'll be her that misses out on a close relationship with him long term.

Why didn't you throw give it back to her?

BigUpAllOfUshereOnMN · 28/03/2022 21:50

It has hurt you not your son so at least your son is not hurt by it.
If your MIL has no excuse to explain her behaviour well then she has shown you her true colours and that is, turning 1 doesn't matter to her.
You may chose not to bother so much on her birthday

mummabubs · 28/03/2022 22:40

@Nanny0gg At the time I sat there in silence as I was a bit taken aback by it. She didn't even say Happy Birthday, just sort of threw it at him. Again, my DH really doesn't want me to rock the boat so out of respect for him I won't. But I am taking steps to safeguard my own and my child's wellbeing in other ways, especially as he gets older and will be able to see the dynamic play out a bit more. Christmas last year was frankly embarrassing, nieces got literally double what he did and then MiL disappeared upstairs and found another bin bag full of presents, which turned out to all be for my nieces. Sometimes I don't even think she's aware of just how blinkered she is.

Original poster

shellhughes · 29/03/2022 06:44

Yes. She came over a week after Xmas with my daughters gifts and nothing for my son. My husband said he’s only a baby so don’t worry, but then she’s failed to acknowledge his birthday now.

OP posts:

Aishah231 · 29/03/2022 06:54

Your husband doesn't get to veto what is or isn't said. It's your son she's potentially going to hurt in the future when he's old enough to realise what's going on. I'd have to politely bring it up - please can I ask why you haven't got anything for x? Tell your husband either he says something or you will.

Pandypuff · 29/03/2022 06:56

I'd not buy a gift for a one year old (even my own!) 100% would buy for a 4 year old.

SleeplessInEngland · 29/03/2022 07:01

Maybe she thinks (not incorrectly) that at 1 it doesn’t make any difference. But if she repeats it going forward then I’d be annoyed.

Riseholme · 29/03/2022 07:05

@SleeplessInEngland

Maybe she thinks (not incorrectly) that at 1 it doesn’t make any difference. But if she repeats it going forward then I’d be annoyed.

It does make a difference because at this age it’s for the parents.

Even something practical like a babygro would suffice.

blocknbuild · 29/03/2022 07:05

Apologies for a slight derail OP but I'm interested in understanding why some parents create a favourite/scapegoat. I've made a new friend through some volunteering and it's apparent that she's the scapegoat. I'd like to understand this to help her with some issues this has caused her. Right now all I can offer is that her parents are shit parents, which is probably the truth but that doesn't feel overly helpful. Does anyone understand the psychology behind this?

RedHelenB · 29/03/2022 07:05

@nokidshere

My mum has form for this sort of behaviour. There are 6 of us but as far as she is concerned she might be a parent of an only child.

I made it totally clear from day one that she was not to buy anything for my children unless she was buying for both and she knows that, even now they are in their 20s, gifts will be returned if they aren't for both.

In their 20s ? Way too controlling from you, they're adults.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2022 07:44

Maybe she thinks (not incorrectly) that at 1 it doesn’t make any difference. But if she repeats it going forward then I’d be annoyed.

OP posted that she bought gifts for the daughter on her first birthday.

malificent7 · 29/03/2022 07:53

This sort of thing is awful. How can you ignore a 1 year old...she should be welcoming him...what has a 1 year old done to her?
My mil used to shun my dd ( step gc) and fawn over dsdd ( real gc). I know the feelings ate different for bio children but no need to make it so obvious. It hurt dd.

malificent7 · 29/03/2022 07:54

I don't get the psychology behind scape -goating either.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/03/2022 10:30

I would just ask her to include them both. Say something like "it's important to treat them equally because DD notices even though DS doesn't yet". Give her a chance to realise and start including him. If she doesn't then reject all the gifts and explain why.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/03/2022 10:32

Maybe she thinks (not incorrectly) that at 1 it doesn’t make any difference. But if she repeats it going forward then I’d be annoyed.

Of course it matters. The 4 year old is going to notice even if the 1 year old doesn't. Would you only give Christmas presents to your older child and not to your younger?

Curlygirl06 · 29/03/2022 14:43

@blocknbuild

Apologies for a slight derail OP but I'm interested in understanding why some parents create a favourite/scapegoat. I've made a new friend through some volunteering and it's apparent that she's the scapegoat. I'd like to understand this to help her with some issues this has caused her. Right now all I can offer is that her parents are shit parents, which is probably the truth but that doesn't feel overly helpful. Does anyone understand the psychology behind this?

Yes, the parents are shit. Been there, done that, still trying to unravel the god awful mess that's been left behind by my mother's will that strongly favoured the golden child. Unless there's a good reason, and I mean a bloody good reason, treat all your kids the same. Can you tell I'm annoyed?

LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 29/03/2022 15:07

Not overreacting at all. Please nip it in the bud before your son is old enough to understand. Get your partner to have a word, saying until she accepts her grandson you won't be accepting any gifts to your daughter.

urbanbuddha · 29/03/2022 15:20

Why is your DH scared of his mother?
Whatever, if he won't tell her not to favour one child over the other you'll have to.