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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Yes I know IABU

59 replies

SoSallycanwaitcanshe · 28/03/2022 19:24

And probably bitter.
Am so fed up. The gap between me and friends situation is widening as we are coming into the stage where inheritances are happening. DP and I not only won’t inherit anything we have had to take out a second mortgage to buy a place for a sick parent who was being put through a no fault eviction because there weren’t any available council properties that were even vaguely suitable/no one would touch them for new private rental as a sick pensioner even with us as guarantors/ our place is in no way appropriate for their needs. At the same friends are getting big - 500k+ In some cases inheritances from extended relatives. I know IABU but it just feels bloody unfair.

OP posts:

Kidsaregrim · 28/03/2022 20:04

Do you think it’s unfair that you have a house when other people can’t afford one?

They are getting money because people DIED

Do you realise, not just how unreasonable you sound but how bloody selfish and ungrateful you sound?

Shiningpath · 28/03/2022 20:10

It can hurt to feel a bit left behind or the have not friend. However, your friends with inheritances would, I’m very sure, swap the money for more time with their family members.

Stokey · 28/03/2022 20:12

Strange relying on other people for your money. I've never thought of my relatives like that.

OneGoodTurn · 28/03/2022 20:26

I inherited money last year and it’s a very mixed blessing. I have a degree of security now that I didn’t have before but would give it back immediately if I got to spend more time with a very much loved relative.

Not worth being bitter about, OP, honestly.

EmpressCixi · 28/03/2022 20:31

You should feel really proud to be self made owners of TWO homes. Instead of comparing yourself to those people with silver spoons and huge inheritances, why not visit a council estate and compare yourself to someone who will never be able to buy any home ever and not for lack of hard work, but lack of opportunity.

lemongreentea · 28/03/2022 20:33

you own two homes. some people are homeless. should they be jealous of you.

try to focus on what you do have and be grateful for it.

whatstheteamarie · 28/03/2022 20:35

It's bizarre that on the one hand you love your parent enough to get out a second mortgage on their behalf, but on the other hand wish them dead so they could leave you some money.

Many of us on here have just dragged ourselves through Mother's Day whilst grieving the loss of our mums; how about showing some compassion??

Moody123 · 28/03/2022 20:36

Wow ! Maybe they are saying the same thing about you, because you have living relatives
Someone has died to leave them money ... I think they would prefer the person !!

Original poster

SoSallycanwaitcanshe · 28/03/2022 20:40

Nope, don’t own 2 homes. The bank do. Yep will miss my rellies too, and there’s no money there filtering down it’s filtering up. I now have £50 disposable income pm. It’s just hard seeing the disparity between the friendship group. We were roughly equal and were Ona downward turn and they’re going up. All because of the inheritances. Ah well.

OP posts:

ReadyToMoveIt · 28/03/2022 20:41

So… you’d rather your relatives were dead?

PacificState · 28/03/2022 20:42

I think it's understandable to be bitter and I don't blame you. If they're good friends you might be able to just spit it out to them (carefully and with an emphasis on 'I know I'm being an arse').

I think it's a totally human reaction. I'm one of the ones who stands to get a decent inheritance when my dad dies. All my adult life I've known I wasn't at serious risk of not being able to pay the mortgage or feed my children, even if I lost my job. It's been a huge privilege and the inheritance will basically mean I don't have to worry too much about my old age. Meanwhile a good friend of mine has seen her entire (small) inheritance eaten up by care home fees for her mother, who has Alzheimer's. She's talked to me quite plainly about how pissed off she is - not pissed off that I'm lucky, but pissed off that she's not.

It's unfair, and it's ok to acknowledge that i think. Just be careful not to lose a friendship someone who you're otherwise fond of.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2022 20:42

FFS people. There is an issue with social mobility, unearned income and the price of housing. It is creating a two-tier society and it is notable.

Inherited wealth pushes up housing prices and means those with family wealth, get wealthier. Renting makes you poorer.

OP isn't wishing people dead.

EmpressCixi · 28/03/2022 20:43

Don’t be silly, you DO own two homes. You may not own them outright with no mortgage but you are the listed owner on the deeds and get to keep 100% the increase in property value.

EmpressCixi · 28/03/2022 20:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

FFS people. There is an issue with social mobility, unearned income and the price of housing. It is creating a two-tier society and it is notable.

Inherited wealth pushes up housing prices and means those with family wealth, get wealthier. Renting makes you poorer.

OP isn't wishing people dead.

Yes, but OP now owning two homes is in the upper tier of this two tier society. It’s the renters in the lower tier. So I don’t have much sympathy for her complaint she’s not rich enough to keep up with her £500k inheritance friendship group when she is already richer than the average Brit.

ReadyToMoveIt · 28/03/2022 20:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

FFS people. There is an issue with social mobility, unearned income and the price of housing. It is creating a two-tier society and it is notable.

Inherited wealth pushes up housing prices and means those with family wealth, get wealthier. Renting makes you poorer.

OP isn't wishing people dead.

But the OP owns two homes. The issue here isn’t that she can’t get on the property ladder. She isn’t renting. The only reason the OP’s friends have that money is because their loved ones have died. And FWIW we pay my mum’s mortgage as she is mortgaged until she’s 70 but is too unwell to work.

Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 20:47

@SoSallycanwaitcanshe

I think you don’t understand what a mortgage is? You absolutely own two homes. You just have loans in place (aka a mortgage) that you have used the house as security against in case you can’t pay the loan off. But you own the houses. Legally. Every which way. You own them.

VladmirsPoutine · 28/03/2022 20:47

There are ways of expressing jealousy at what appears to be the fortune of one's friends without putting it down to inheritance-envy

JaceLancs · 28/03/2022 20:47

I get it - but don’t let it show!
Most of my peers have had inheritances of between £200k and £2million plus
I paid DF nursing home top ups until he died and now supplement DM 83 with Alzheimer’s income and provide care and will inherit nothing
Hope my DC do better
It is luck of the draw so try not to be envious

Original poster

SoSallycanwaitcanshe · 28/03/2022 20:48

All bar one of my rellies ARE dead. The other is alive who I’m supporting. The place will end up be defaulted back to the bank in all likelihood. Just limping from month to month.

OP posts:

Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 20:50

It makes no sense you were permitted a second mortgage and then only have fifty pounds a month left. Lenders do affordability checks. No one would lend to someone where they had fifty quid leeway.

Movingonup22 · 28/03/2022 20:51

Well it makes you feel better you’re doing a lot better than about about 95% of the world’s population… and I imagine they could be a bit bitter that you happened to be born in a wealthy country.

And re having two properties you will benefit from the increase inncalue of both of them.

Tidlo · 28/03/2022 20:53

YABU for calling your relatives 'rellies'

PacificState · 28/03/2022 20:54

I think it's harsh to say someone can't express a sense of frustration about inheritance and inherited wealth. OP obviously doesn't mean that money is more important than family. She's frustrated that some families are rich and some aren't.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2022 20:54

Fair play @EmpressCixi and @ReadyToMoveIt you have a point!

nokidshere · 28/03/2022 20:54

SoSallycanwaitcanshe
Nope, don’t own 2 homes. The bank do. Yep will miss my rellies too, and there’s no money there filtering down it’s filtering up. I now have £50 disposable income pm

When your relative dies you will presumably sell their property and keep any equity you might have gained. And you will still own your own home.

Having enough income to be granted 2 mortgages in the first place makes you better off than the majority of people.

I get having no cash flow, sometimes we have little spare money despite not having a mortgage and owning our own home and I often think it shouldn't be this hard. But you have 2 mortgages until someone dies, you must have taken that into account when getting the second mortgage.

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