I know IABU about his holiday - help me not be!

[pinkteddy100]

Me and dp have been together two years. We've been talking about going on our first holiday in May to his home country for agesss and we're ready to book this. He's now said his parents are going in two weeks and he's going to go with them and stay there for two weeks then come back - and a month later we both go together.

I feel disappointed and I know it's unreasonable as he is free to do what he wants but I feel like:

1. We are going away a month later and it's not an emergency
2. Why would you want to leave me voluntarily for two weeks to holiday with your family rather than me..?
3. He has got savings but is very tight, I somehow can't see him booking to go twice. It's around £1k for flights. He assured me he would.
4. This guy hasn't left the country in five years but now has to go twice in two months..

I just don't get it...I know I'm being unreasonable, he's his own person but I'm going to miss him a lot. I have a child so can't go during term time. I feel like I'm not an actual part of his family and a bit disposable. This is our first holiday together and first holiday since covid and I wanted us to experience that together.

I don't want to be a misery guts but already, I don't want him to be staying over at mine all week because I'd rather get used to him not being around! I'm feeling mopey! Someone talk some sense into me pls. I don't want to be that controlling, jealous girlfriend but I think I am a bit

Yabu. He's a boyfriend if you want live together so I can fully understand him wanting to go with his family. Can't you choose somewhere else to holiday together!

I think you’re being a bit silly. He still wants to go with you. He can do the family stuff and catch up with friends on his first trip without feeling guilty and then can spend more time introducing you and chilling on the second trip. I don’t get the problem. I doubt it anything to do with you and everything to do with him wanting as much time as possible with his family

Why can't you go there on the second week of his holiday, if two weeks with his family would be too much?

YABU, I don’t quite understand people’s obsessions with sharing firsts.
You are going to be going away together so I don’t see what the issue is

YABU.

Having a new partner there totally changes the dynamics- he just wants to see his family and friends by himself and that's totally okay.

Yabu massively.

Why is he coming back, just to go out again with you? Can't you fly out alone and meet up with him there?

YABU and ridiculous.

Why don't you go somewhere else on holiday?

I don't understand the issue? Is it that you're upset not to be meeting his family? Have you suggested/ asked if they can postpone their holiday so you & your dc can join them in the school hols?

You are not "part of his family". He's a boyfriend you've been seeing for two years.

Has he not seen his family for 5 years?

I think YABU regardless but particularly if he hasn’t seen his family for years - it’s totally different seeing them for the first time in years with his girlfriend along.

Op, you know YABU. But it's ok to feel disappointed, he will now be a little less excited because he will have already spent time with everyone. But it's good as it will leave him to do more stuff with you. Otherwise your AIBU could've been "went on holiday with bf and he spent all his time with his family and friends!"

It's kinda like when you're looking forward to watching a movie with someone, and you find out they've already seen it. It's not as much fun to watch it with them now , but you still need to see it!

Going with his parents is a totally different situation than going with you. With his parents he’ll be maybe seeing relatives, visiting places personal to the family rather that “sights”.
If you feel so strongly about the milestone of a “first holiday” why don’t you and he go somewhere totally different?

Ok it's not a case of he wants to catch up with his family and friends out there without me, it's just that his parents are going back there (for the Third time in two years), and he's decided to just go with them and then come back and go again.

Like I said I know I'm being unreasonable, he has the right to travel and do what he wants, I'm just a girlfriend but it hurts! I wouldn't be planning a two week holiday without him when we have already made plans! I'm seeing him later and don't want to be a misery guts so the voices of reason are helping!

Tell us more about him being tight. Does he stay with you a lot without contributing?

Does he actually have the holiday time from work to go twice in such a short time?

YABU. Your reaction to him leaving you voluntarily for two weeks is out of proportion.

As someone who has all her family living abroad I can totally sympathise with your boyfriend. The dynamics change completely when you bring an outsider with you and you can't enjoy it like you can when you go on your own because you are always making sure that the other person is enjoying themselves too and, in my case, I have to translate conversations which is exhausting. Please don't begrudge him this time with his family and friends after so many years of not having seen them all. Just be happy for him. You are not missing out after all, you will get to go there too, just as planned.

YABVU.

There are ‘family visits’ and ‘holidays’. They are visiting a home country and relatives that haven’t been possible to see for 2 years.

If you have a DP / DH with a ‘home country’ you need to understand this v quickly.

Also holiday often gets used for family / home visits. Great the first time when it is a big adventure for you, less so when the 5th family holiday abroad in a row is ‘back home’ rather than a destination of your choice.

YABU, you are acting as if he’s going somewhere brand new you had planned on visiting together. It’s where he grew up, nothing there will be new to him, absolutely nothing about his trip will take away the experience of the trip he takes with you.

I think it may actually be better as he could get out the way seeing and doing things that could be potentially boring to you that aren’t really holiday activities.

You are being unreasonable I'm
afraid. When you live abroad going back home is almost a necessity for your well being. It isn't done like a jolly holiday to any old place. I always enjoy it best when my parents and relatives are also there. If you are considering being serious with this person it's something to accept now. He shouldn't have to work round you or your child's school holidays.

And don’t be needy and clingy. Can you not function for 2 weeks? Being in a relationship does not mean he or you can’t do things independently.

I suppose it depends if he then says he can't afford to pay for 2nd flights & can't go with you

It's kinda weird to want to go somewhere far away twice in a short period of time

This is really very clingy and needy, you actually asked why he’d want to leave you for two weeks. You are not a small child.

This sounds ideal surely? Let him go and do the boring family meet ups and then the two of you go somewhere you actually want to go for a proper holiday? E.g. Carribbean?