I know IABU about his holiday - help me not be!

[pinkteddy100]

Me and dp have been together two years. We've been talking about going on our first holiday in May to his home country for agesss and we're ready to book this. He's now said his parents are going in two weeks and he's going to go with them and stay there for two weeks then come back - and a month later we both go together.

I feel disappointed and I know it's unreasonable as he is free to do what he wants but I feel like:

1. We are going away a month later and it's not an emergency
2. Why would you want to leave me voluntarily for two weeks to holiday with your family rather than me..?
3. He has got savings but is very tight, I somehow can't see him booking to go twice. It's around £1k for flights. He assured me he would.
4. This guy hasn't left the country in five years but now has to go twice in two months..

I just don't get it...I know I'm being unreasonable, he's his own person but I'm going to miss him a lot. I have a child so can't go during term time. I feel like I'm not an actual part of his family and a bit disposable. This is our first holiday together and first holiday since covid and I wanted us to experience that together.

I don't want to be a misery guts but already, I don't want him to be staying over at mine all week because I'd rather get used to him not being around! I'm feeling mopey! Someone talk some sense into me pls. I don't want to be that controlling, jealous girlfriend but I think I am a bit

I understand how you feel but the opportunity to go with his parents to his home country is too good to miss.
Do you particularly want to go to that country? Would he want to go again so soon? Could you chose somewhere else to go together instead? Would you feel better if you booked your holiday together before he goes, so he can't back out/make excuses? If he's genuine about going away again so soon, he surely wouldn't have any objection to this.

The reason why he's going isn't to spend time alone with his family - he was born in this country and his families country all speak English. It's not the case that he wants to experience that without me - it's that's he wants a holiday and hasn't been in a while and his parents are going so he's decided to go to, rather than just wait an extra month.

Still I know I'm being unreasonable!

There is a slight back story re. money which I touched on but we've been living on a budget for the two years we've been together - me because I have to and him because he has a saving addiction. When we go on rare dates, he will pay but I end up feeling bad so I always send him half and now, because it suits him, he can take out £2000 to go on two holidays. He normally stays at my house and doesn't really contribute but because he has to pay petrol to come to mine I don't ask him to contribute anymore because he's always moaning money and petrol costs and driving from his parents house to mine.

I think I just need to accept that this holiday is a priority for him and we are not joined at the hip and his money is his to do what he wants with. I'm still disappointed though :-(

Definitely being unreasonable. It sounds like you just don’t want him to be able to do anything without you. Visiting his home country with his own parents sounds like a totally normal thing to do.

I feel like I'm not an actual part of his family and a bit disposable. They are his parents! Of course you aren’t part of that actual family.

Wtf is a “savings addiction”? Is it prudent saving that allows him to go on two holidays in quick succession?

You’re being deeply unreasonable. We’re all coming out of a pandemic, I can see why he’s jumped at the opportunity to travel with his parents, and it’s not coming at the expense of your holiday.

I suspect the bigger issue is whether the relationship is giving you what you want. What do you want it to look like in another 12 months and do you think he’s on the same trajectory?

If he is going to his home country with his parents, why not suggest going elsewhere (and with cheaper flights!!) for your holiday?

Spend this week researching snd booking.

Then you will have something definite to look forward to, as well as confirmation of his commitment to a holiday with you, as part of your reaction to his family trip could be that you feel insecure that his family trip replaces your holiday.

So he's a tight arse apart from when it suits him? You never get to do nice things because he insists on saving.

Tell him if he's going there you may as well go somewhere cheaper (and presumably closer judging by flight costs) and you choose where.

@moancup a savings addiction is when you save to the detriment of everything else. He honestly lives like he is broke and can do this as he lives with parents and doesn't pay rent etc.

YABVU and conflating different issues to make things seem worse because he's going away without you.

I think you know he has the right and should be encouraged to do things separately from you especially with his parents.

Money wise - If he is not contributing but staying at yours a lot... maybe go to his more? Regarding dates - why shouldn't you split the cost of dates equally?

You sound a bit controlling OP. Of course he should be able to take out money he's saved to go on holidays but if you think he should be more open to going on more dates that's a conversation you have separate to this.

[quote pinkteddy100]@moancup a savings addiction is when you save to the detriment of everything else. He honestly lives like he is broke and can do this as he lives with parents and doesn't pay rent etc.

[/quote]
You realise he'll always be this tight, don't you?

You are being extremely childish. I had to read that twice to even see what the issue is. If he had cancelled his trip with you in order to do something else, then yes I could understand your disappointment. But he is going to see his family, who just happen to live overseas.

[quote pinkteddy100]@moancup a savings addiction is when you save to the detriment of everything else. He honestly lives like he is broke and can do this as he lives with parents and doesn't pay rent etc.

[/quote]
My DH is like this, it has its upsides in that we are mortgage free at 40 but it’s been shit at times too. Don’t go into a long term relationship with him lightly because it won’t change.

He lives rent free at his parents and stays rent free at yours?
You’ve got a much bigger problem than a holiday.

How old is he? I would find it very unattractive to be dating someone living with parents , not paying rent and then moaning about petrol costs to see his girlfriend
I’d say his parents are paying for his two week holiday
You are being unreasonable but he sounds so tight I’d be glad to be rid of him for two weeks

@Givemeallthegin8 I think you're right!

His parents may be paying. And it's true, that's two weeks that I can focus on me and not have to cover his costs too!

@mynameisjune

Ugh, his savings habit is honestly exhausting. I'm a single mum and I have to work very hard to afford everything as get no help from dad and I always feel guilt tripped that he can't afford things but really he has over £200k stashed away. You'd never think it though by the way he acts!
We are financially independent and he doesn't contribute so he can continue saving - and going on holidays I do have my own savings btw - just can't take out for now!

So is the issue him going away and leaving you for a fortnight, or that he stays at yours regularly without contributing?
Because if his saving addiction is impacting your life and finances, maybe use the 2 weeks without him to re-evaluate the whole relationship.

He just sounds tight OP - as he's obviously happy to spend money on himself when it suits. Also you realise there's no chance he's ever going to marry you - that would mean you were entitled to half that money and it doesn't sound like he'd want to take that risk.

I'd wait and see what happens with the holiday. I think YANBU because you say you think he'll go with his family and then not be bothered on going with you - and from what you've said it wouldn't surprise me either. If that's what happens then it will be time for you to move on and go on holiday without him.

You sound exhausting.

Seriously the holiday and savings and penny pinching are symptoms of the fact he doesn’t care about you as much as he cares about himself. Just like his savings pot is and all this exact contribution and moaning about petrol. I would be taking the time he is away to think about what exactly you and your child are getting from this relationship because it seems very one sided. He gets a nice place to hang out, sex and meals all the while squirrelling away his savings pot. I imagine next in the horizon would be him either buying a flat to rent out while he moves in at yours to make him more money or him buying a home for himself that you can move into but his name being firmly on the mortgage. He will probably be reluctant to marry you too so he can protect his assets. This man is thinking about his future and his savings there is no thought of us in his planning and I think after two years together I would be thinking if that is the future you want.

Hang on a minute.

So this man lives with his parents and doesn't pay rent, then comes to stay with you and doesn't pay for anything, either? And he has £200K in savings. He tells you how expensive petrol is as a means of avoiding giving you any money for bills and food.

Do you really want to be with a man like this? He's absolutely using you - can't you see that? He's using his parents, too. I imagine that if he has to pay for this trip he will be using the people he stays with and his own parents so that he doesn't have to pay a penny.

How on earth can you feel attraction towards this man?

You do realised that every £1 you spend on his comes from money you could spend on your children? You sound as though you don't have a lot of spare money, but you are giving him money every week in food and heating bills.

He's managing to live without spending a penny. Don't collaborate with him over this, OP. It's a terrible thing that he's doing.

@BloodyloveGeorge

You sound exhausting.

What?

@Anniefrenchfry

This is really very clingy and needy, you actually asked why he’d want to leave you for two weeks. You are not a small child.

^ this.

YUBMassivelyU For goodness sake, chill and stop being so clingy.

My DH is retired and also from another country. He goes off to visit there quite often and also goes on holidays to other countries with friends. I can't go with him as working full time still. We go away together when I take AL.

If you make a big deal of it, you may very well find yourself minus a boyfriend.

me because I have to and him because he has a saving addiction. When we go on rare dates, he will pay but I end up feeling bad so I always send him half and now, because it suits him, he can take out £2000 to go on two holidays. He normally stays at my house and doesn't really contribute but because he has to pay petrol to come to mine I don't ask him to contribute anymore because he's always moaning money and petrol costs and driving from his parents house to mine

A savings addiction? Fucking hell, he really saw you coming didn't he? You're subbing a bloke whose got enough saved to buy a house outright. You're literally paying him for booty calls.

He's making an absolute fool out of you.

Ah just seen update on his savings. Hmm sounds like a cocklodger to me.