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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Staying away for work

64 replies

Justonemoreepisode · 28/03/2022 07:54

Trying to settle an argument with DH and would like opinions on which of us is being unreasonable.
We are Married, 2 Dcs - one senior school, one primary. Both work in fairly stressful roles requiring some out of hours work but both ‘home based on paper’.
DH’s job requires away stays, this has always been part of the role - been less through Covid but now starting up again.
So the issue is Should nights away with work be discussed in advance or is it ok to announce on the day that they will be away. DH thinks it’s a known part of the role and Unless I state that I/the kids have plans he doesn’t need to say in advance away . I think it lacks respect mentioning it prior to the day.
For context, I have historically suffered with poor mental health which can make me paranoid/anxious, I am currently in a very good space though. He sees this as a reason for not telling me earlier so I have less time to worry.

OP posts:

Squirrelblanket · 28/03/2022 07:57

Do you worry if you know in advance? If you do, I can see why he might want to avoid telling you earlier.

Otherwise yeah, I think it's something that's helpful to know in advance. I used to travel a lot with my role and would tell my husband I'll be away on x date as soon as I knew about it. It's just polite.

GeneLovesJezebel · 28/03/2022 07:57

I’d expect you to know, at the end of each month, when he will be away next month, just as if he is getting a rota.
How far ahead does he know he’s going to be away ?

Pushmepullyou · 28/03/2022 07:59

DH and I both work away occasionally. Whilst we occasionally both have things at short notice, in general any working away is communicated and agreed the week before. Very rude and presumptive to assume the other parent will just pick up the slack and facilitate with no discussion. They are his children too and therefore he’s equally responsible for enduring childcare/pickups are covered in his absence

Weepingwillows12 · 28/03/2022 08:05

When I work away I discuss it with my DH as often he needs to rearrange schedule slightly to do pickups on my normal pick up days. It's also polite to let them know...

balalake · 28/03/2022 08:12

You should be told in advance.

girlmom21 · 28/03/2022 08:13

DP goes away for work a few times a year and will always tell me as soon as he knows. I'd be pissed off if he dropped it on me last minute.

Benes · 28/03/2022 08:15

Of course you should know in advance!! It's hugely disrespectful not to let you know as soon as he knows.
I would be furious if DH announced it last minute.

Underfrighter · 28/03/2022 08:20

I would be mad if someone told me they weren't there tonight. Yes it's a known part of the role that's arranged in advance.

There are things I do to prep when my husband is away so that it's a bit easier for me. For example if I know he is going to be away I will make sure we do homework in advance so I'm not trying to read with a 6 year old whilst entertaining a 4 year old and trying to keep them quiet. I might ask my husband to put them both to bed one night so I can have a bit of a break before it gets really hectic. I plan something easy to cook thats quick or that I can pop in the oven while I go and pick them up otherwise it seems to take all evening by the time I've sorted it out.

If he didn't tell me I wouldn't be able to take all these steps to make things slightly easier on myself

Philisophigal · 28/03/2022 08:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/03/2022 08:23

Both me and DH have overnights away for work. We sit down regularly and compare calendars.

It's not just to avoid clashes but also to accommodate the children activities, party invites etc

MissedItByThisMuch · 28/03/2022 08:26

I would want to know as soon as he knows he’s going away - you often need to make arrangements when there’s only one of you to do things normally done by two.

I would be very annoyed to be told on the day - and surely that would actually be much more stressful if your mental health is an issue than being able to plan in advance?

CMOTDibbler · 28/03/2022 08:27

DH and I both travel for work and the agreement is that we always tell each other about it as soon as it is requested as it is only respectful to not assume that the other doesn't have plans that day

ChaToilLeam · 28/03/2022 08:30

I often work away. Of course I let DP know in advance! We live together, it’s an important thing to know. Otherwise it’s a bit dismissive, as if you’re just there to do everything come what may with no regard to what you might have planned to do in the evening.

JurassicPerks · 28/03/2022 08:34

DH writes it on the calender when it comes in.
He will mention it immediately if it's more than a single night.
He reminds me before I do the food shop for that week.

I couldn't deal with the notification on the day. That WOULD make me anxious not knowing if I was going to get sprung with an absent husband that night.

LIZS · 28/03/2022 08:42

If he knows in advance he should say in advance, unless it is a regular pattern so on the calendar anyway.

comealongponds · 28/03/2022 08:44

YADNBU Surely a shared/family calendar with days he’s away would be the norm? He should be sharing the dates as soon as he knows them, why does he think it needs to be a secret?

It very much feels like you’re the default parent
and he can swan in and out at will because you’ll always be there to pick up the slack, like he has no responsibility and you couldn’t possibly have plans of your own.

DreamingofGinoclock · 28/03/2022 08:46

I occasionally work away as part of my role. As soon as I find out I will be away I let my husband know and stick it in the family calender .... He would need to know not to book things in that would prevent him from doing nursery drop off/ pick up ....he doesn't work away bit would do the same if he did .... He equally puts other things straight in the calender as soon as arranged ...i.e if he is going out with friends of an evening (I do the same) ....as a partnership communication is key!

Fairyliz · 28/03/2022 08:46

It depends. If he tells you three weeks in advance are you the sort of person who will be worrying about what could possibly go wrong over and over again?
He perhaps feels that it upsets you too much if you suffer from anxiety?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/03/2022 08:48

Your DH should tell you if he is to be away as soon as he himself knows; as you have expressed that as a preference and it is polite to do so.

Maybe just enter it on a family on the wall. That avoids it becoming a big topic of conversation. Or have a diary sync each Sunday evening by way of short conversation. It is courteous to keep you informed.

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2022 08:48

When DH used to work away I knew about 5 minutes after he did.
Sometimes there wasn’t a lot of notice but he always let me know almost immediately.
It’s just basic courtesy and respect

Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 08:51

Not telling you until the day is disrespectful and inconsiderate towards you and the DC.

not good to use your MH issues to seek to excuse his behaviour.

Also assumes that you will cover all of the weekday parenting while he’s away. If you share this, and him being away affects you in terms of what you need to do for the DC, notice is needed. If you always do all the weekday parenting anyway, your set up is likely unfair to you more generally!

Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 08:52

Even if you had no DC his behaviour would be unreasonable.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 28/03/2022 08:53

My DH and I have a shared calendar and share house/family responsibilities. Neither of us would book in anything (personal or work related) without confirming with the other and first checking the schedule.

eurochick · 28/03/2022 08:53

I travel for work. I always check the dates are workable for my husband before I book.

NumberTheory · 28/03/2022 08:56

It’s basic respect to tell you as soon as he knows. Otherwise he is taking you for granted. And I don’t just mean the childcare aspect, but the relationship aspect. Even without kids, very few people would enjoy waking up in the morning to have their spouse say “oh, I’m not coming home tonight.”. its normal to anticipate your time and having someone change things at the last minute is generally disconcerting.

If you’ve been a bit unreasonable in the past because of your anxiety, you might point out that you’re better able to cope now, and that anxiety tends to get worse again if you avoid the issue. So he needs to be telling you and letting you develop and reinforce your ability to respond reasonably to the information. (And then you need to practice responding reasonably and using the tools you’ve developed to manage any anxiety if it does appear).

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